the worst is over
and I reside under it

I slept to not think about you
and then I dreamt about you anyway

I can't remember much of it
I just remember you picked me up
we went home
we talked
and things were okay again

and I woke up
and I checked my phone
and there was nothing

HIM
what is real for you right now?

ME
hm, you.

HIM
me?

ME
yeah, you. because you're here.
what about you? what's real for you now?

HIM
us, because we're here together.

ME
ha, you win. that's so much better than mine.

you are easy to like
though sometimes it
did feel like an interview

I suppose I don't really mind
you know all these things about me
and you barely remember my last name
or even know my birthday
though all that information is
somewhere in my flight details
should you ever think to look back

you touched me and scratched my back
and held my hand and kissed me
and I reciprocated
I leaned into it
maybe too much
that I started wanting it more

but I think I am too sensitive
I hold your hand
and you don't really hold mine back
I touch you
and you don't return the sentiment

then why would you initiate so much in the first place
why would you make me want it
then take it from me
why did I fall for it

I hate feeling like this
looking for your name
I can't run away
not in the way I want to

love is too simple a word
how could I ever condense
all the depths and eternities
of this fondness I feel for you

you know when you’re in a car,
and it’s thundering outside,
and you go under a bridge
and everything goes
silent

just for that moment, everything is calm
my own sanctuary, my quiet place
everything is okay before
we descend into the chaos again

you are my bridge, my peace, my comfort
the sun in my sky, so much that is good and perfect
how can I ever say I simply love you?

it hurts to confront the truth
all I have in me is nothing but proof
of the unresolved trauma, the unbridled fear
the (your) voices that only I seem to hear

we're all better now, we're so sorry
sure you say that, but I still worry
the raise of a hand, the sound of a slam
these things, they still scare me, *******

I am the person I am because of you
for that I never know what to feel
I now have the compassion to never make
another person go through this very fate

whatever it is, to atone for your sins
I take no part, both you has-beens
I'm nothing like you, I'll never be
so goodbye now, please excuse me

A,

I don't think I'll be able to date anyone for a while
I want to, I want to but I can't get over this, over us
I'm scared I will get pushed like this again and I will lose myself again and who knows, maybe for good

I don't know who I was when we were together

I'm stupid like that
I let you use me because I was afraid of losing you
and you knew you were using me
but you said you couldn't help it
as if that was it

you said I loved you more than you could ever love me back
and left it at that, like I was supposed to do something with it
I love you, I miss you, I'm sorry?
where the hell did I go wrong