8/2/2013

I lay here thinking about this. This moment. Right now. I think about how amazing and beautiful You are. You never leave my side. You make things new for me. Me. Your biggest offender. An unceasing sinner. You take this all away. You open Your arms and pour out Your endless mercy upon me. I try so hard to make myself humble and follow in Your footsteps, but the judgmental heart of this world brings me back to where I once was. I NEED YOU. I don't care what anyone thinks. May I look like a fool to stand with my arms wide and my
Whole soul and whole heartedly surrender my very being unto Your will. Your love never fails. It never runs dry. Your love is like a constant stream that always carries me Home. Your word, spoken and etched into the very corners of my heart and soul. Forgive me of my
Sin, and let me spread the Joy of our love to everyone. Let Your light shine through me.

You have showered my days with blessings. May I forever rejoice in Your name and follow through with Your Holy Will.

Sometimes. Only a rare sometimes, will I stay awake.  I stay awake and watch my life flow past my eyes. It moves so quickly.

     I remember I was young. It was hot and the night shift. You were bored. I was bored. You wanted to have fun.  So did I. You had a girlfriend. I didn't know.  We almost had fun.

    I remember freshman year. You called me fat.  You called me ugly.  I grabbed a blade. I couldn't do it.

    I remember two weeks ago. You invited me to a party.  I didn't want to do anything I would regret.  I've never been drunk.  I have never cut myself.  I have never done drugs.  I am a ******.   I am a mountain

Since high school started, life flashes across my eyes. It caresses my face and tells me I am a warrior. That I am strong.  I am proud. I have conquered the negative.

I am genuinely happy. God has granted me with such an amazing life.  With amazing people.  I wish sometimes there was a way that I could thank those of you who have harmed me.  You will never know how much I appreciate it because you have change me for the better.

Now that I know the purpose of others in my life, I must find out my own.  I used to pray that I could be a bird so I could fly far far away.  I live with an open heart.  Come at me. Life is oh so good so good so so good.

Eye
Contact
Is
A
Dangerous
Thing
.

Dangerous
,
But
Lovely
.
Oh
So
Lovely
.

So summer is coming and I'm getting worried.
Worried about each calorie that enters through my body.
Worried that I look too fat to be presentable in public.
Worried that people will mocking me when I put on a swim suit.
I wish I wouldn't eat as much as I do, because today and girl who is 5'9 and weighs 130 pounds is fat.
I don't have a disorder. My reflection does.
I look in the mirror and see a fat, overweight, lard staring back at me.
I think of the perfect body I will never have. This idea of beauty that society has infected my mind with.  
The media flashes about weight loss and fitness. They say people will love you. You will love you. Well let me tell you something. Even just for the mere second I listened to the false words that spilled into my head and rang through my ears, I was destroyed.
There was no hope for me because my weakness took over.
Not ever do people hear that they are beautiful for who they are. You don't have to be thin and tall to be beautiful. Skinny is just a word. Not a definition. I'm finally waking up. Realizing.
I realize that the only thing to conquer this fear is love.
True love, that comes from God.
The one person who won't judge you for who you are or how you look. Because in His eyes, you are the most perfect creation He has ever made.

My emotions, they're taking over me.
Capturing my heart. Bottling my voice. They took it. I cannot express to you. I'm sinking in my own imagination, yet somehow I still can't escape. I'm reaching and grasping for you, but you cannot help me, because you're only a fragment of my imagination.

I lay here tonight typing.
I wonder about those who don't have the advantage to type.
I pray for those who didn't have a dinner tonight.
I mourn for those who part from this world tonight.
I sympathize for those who can't hear the voice of God calling Them to something more.
The overwhelming sadness that I bear penetrates me straight through my soul.
Who am I? Who am I to be living the way I do. To want more than I need? Who do I think I am? I cannot live with my selfishness. I cannot bear to live a life of unnecessary wealth when there are others who glance towards me from across the universe with the smallest Inkling of hope that I might give.

I cannot bear to take.

I do not know my history
     I just create my own.

All I know is
    I am one with the world around me.

It's the reeling.
I'm in a pit of passion.

I am infused with life and the feeling of enlightenment.  Beauty is the only way to describe my history.

My history is now.
In this very moment, I am creating my history.

The way your hair blows softly in the breeze

The way your lips curl into the perfect smile

The way your sway side to side and rock back and forth on your heels when you're nervous

The way you catch my eye and turn away shyly

The way your hand fits into mine perfectly

The way your voice plays through my mind like a melody

The way you comfort me when I need you the most

The way you humble yourself.  

These are the little things I find so irrisistable about you.

I don't know how I can explain things to you.
They are twisting and flowing through my mind.
They move so fast I cannot grasp them.
The ideas.
I feel them. They bring to me every emotion.
I have ideas, I wish I could explain to you,
But even I, their creator, cannot even explain the whirlwind of my imagination.

I sit at home alone.
I wait for my mother.
I long for my brother.
I cry for my father.
Silently.
But still I sit.
Drowning out life.
Yearning for eye contact.
It's a very very dangerous thing.
But oh, how lovely it becomes. So, so lovely.

The summer previous.  
He was beautiful.
A mastermind.
He cheated.

The summer previous.
He was kind.
he was wise.
He fooled me.

The summer previous.
He was talented.
He was engulfing.
He scarred me.

The summer previous.
He spent time.
with me.
the summer previous.

The summer previous I learned something.
Love.
Love is not a toy.
Love is not to be fooled with.
Love is God's gift.
It is his best plan for you.

Love.
it is what I learned.
The summer previous.

God.
He made
the sun.
He made
the moon.
Opposite sides of the earth, they reflect each other.  
They are, they are.
Infinitely they are love.
The crest of their love caresses the earth with each sunrise and sunset.
it holds the earth with its power.
there has never been a stronger love.
thus, the stars are born.

I sleep.
Inside my mind, there is a wild world, while on the outside, everything is dark mean and slowly fading to the deep of the self absorbed.  


Each and every corner of my imagination blooms with a vivid vision of tomorrow.  
The breath of each day moves in and out slowly while the vision of tomorrow slowly becomes my today.  

I sleep.
I don’t believe in suicide, but sleep is temporary.  I don’t believe that love is blind unless you dull your eyes to the beauty that lasts inside.  It dwells forever.  It penetrates the hearts of those who open their eyes.  They see the beauty through the ugly and through the hate.

My mind is not just a dull place I go to.  It is a whole world that is still yet unexplored even to me who possesses it.  My mind is equivalent to the deepest parts of the ocean.  I know its there, I just need to summon up the imagination to explore it.

I sleep.
This is not a poem.  Rather, this is a letter from my mind to your hands.  
I need to write down my thoughts.  I cried.  I think that I cry because there is no hope for me in this barren part of the country.  I cry for freedom from myself and from the world. The negativity is a shackle that binds me to home.  The secrets that I keep hold me back. I just want to float through life. I want to float through life like a speck of pollen.  It is small, but it goes on a great adventure, and eventually brings life to the object needing it the most.  

My mind is my only escape. I look forward to sleeping, so that I can travel to a new world that has yet to be explored.  I don’t know how to describe the strongest longings of my heart on a page.  I guess it’s almost like how a mother feels when she learns that there is a new soul that grows in her.  I have so many dreams for myself.  I just don’t know how to make them my reality.  Some one told me once that dreams come true, but they didn’t say that nightmares did as well.  I think that just being stuck here in this quaint drug infested, alcohol infected, *** addicted, littering, molesting town is my nightmare.  The town taunts me with my thoughts and dreams.  It whispers to me every night when I dream that I cannot escape.  Its like a melody wanting to play freely and rampantly from the page that its written on.  The world ways down my love.  I think that with out my dreams, I would just deteriorate.  Disintegrate.  Fall in to the trap.  Become part of the sands of time.  My worst nightmare.