8/2/2013

I lay here thinking about this. This moment. Right now. I think about how amazing and beautiful You are. You never leave my side. You make things new for me. Me. Your biggest offender. An unceasing sinner. You take this all away. You open Your arms and pour out Your endless mercy upon me. I try so hard to make myself humble and follow in Your footsteps, but the judgmental heart of this world brings me back to where I once was. I NEED YOU. I don't care what anyone thinks. May I look like a fool to stand with my arms wide and my
Whole soul and whole heartedly surrender my very being unto Your will. Your love never fails. It never runs dry. Your love is like a constant stream that always carries me Home. Your word, spoken and etched into the very corners of my heart and soul. Forgive me of my
Sin, and let me spread the Joy of our love to everyone. Let Your light shine through me.

You have showered my days with blessings. May I forever rejoice in Your name and follow through with Your Holy Will.

Sometimes. Only a rare sometimes, will I stay awake.  I stay awake and watch my life flow past my eyes. It moves so quickly.

     I remember I was young. It was hot and the night shift. You were bored. I was bored. You wanted to have fun.  So did I. You had a girlfriend. I didn't know.  We almost had fun.

    I remember freshman year. You called me fat.  You called me ugly.  I grabbed a blade. I couldn't do it.

    I remember two weeks ago. You invited me to a party.  I didn't want to do anything I would regret.  I've never been drunk.  I have never cut myself.  I have never done drugs.  I am a ******.   I am a mountain

Since high school started, life flashes across my eyes. It caresses my face and tells me I am a warrior. That I am strong.  I am proud. I have conquered the negative.

I am genuinely happy. God has granted me with such an amazing life.  With amazing people.  I wish sometimes there was a way that I could thank those of you who have harmed me.  You will never know how much I appreciate it because you have change me for the better.

Now that I know the purpose of others in my life, I must find out my own.  I used to pray that I could be a bird so I could fly far far away.  I live with an open heart.  Come at me. Life is oh so good so good so so good.

Eye
Contact
Is
A
Dangerous
Thing
.

Dangerous
,
But
Lovely
.
Oh
So
Lovely
.

So summer is coming and I'm getting worried.
Worried about each calorie that enters through my body.
Worried that I look too fat to be presentable in public.
Worried that people will mocking me when I put on a swim suit.
I wish I wouldn't eat as much as I do, because today and girl who is 5'9 and weighs 130 pounds is fat.
I don't have a disorder. My reflection does.
I look in the mirror and see a fat, overweight, lard staring back at me.
I think of the perfect body I will never have. This idea of beauty that society has infected my mind with.  
The media flashes about weight loss and fitness. They say people will love you. You will love you. Well let me tell you something. Even just for the mere second I listened to the false words that spilled into my head and rang through my ears, I was destroyed.
There was no hope for me because my weakness took over.
Not ever do people hear that they are beautiful for who they are. You don't have to be thin and tall to be beautiful. Skinny is just a word. Not a definition. I'm finally waking up. Realizing.
I realize that the only thing to conquer this fear is love.
True love, that comes from God.
The one person who won't judge you for who you are or how you look. Because in His eyes, you are the most perfect creation He has ever made.

My emotions, they're taking over me.
Capturing my heart. Bottling my voice. They took it. I cannot express to you. I'm sinking in my own imagination, yet somehow I still can't escape. I'm reaching and grasping for you, but you cannot help me, because you're only a fragment of my imagination.