It was the sort of dawn when the
Clouds were jagged and heavy with
Rain-soaked regret,
So you and I with our downcast eyes made
The smallest footsteps on our long journey home.

You would find me drinking champagne on basement stairs
Looking through the cracks in the floorboards
Counting the number of times we had been here.

I was tangled in your sheets before,
I was pulling my hair out by breakfast.

I cried and you pretended not to hear, just rolled over and
Looked out the window, mumbled something about
How bad the weather might be later
Mumbled something about kissing me
But I am not sure if it was regretful or
Nonchalant.
We walked down to the water and I told you
There was no way in hell I would be here tomorrow.
You kinda laughed.

You were right about New Year’s.

My dress was too short and I was too easily persuaded to
Follow you anywhere.  To lie to my mother.
And we awoke to a dawn that made me think about the movies,
where you cry but it ends up so happy.

The rain came flooding through the doorway
All blue and grey behind you.  Without an umbrella I
Walked to my car.
I thought you might be watching
I turned to find you gone again.

There’s this hole in the shape of your hand
Near my collarbone-
Makes me lose my voice now, some days.

Makes the connection from my head to my hands
A little shaky now, some days.

We broke every bottle in this place.
We scribbled on all of the walls in that bathroom,
Hearts and other nonsense;
It never amounts to anything, anyways.

There’s this gap between my back and
your fingernails-
Makes me acknowledge my rib cage.

Makes my heart shake instead of beat
now, some days.

I was grown-up for the first time
Sitting at the bar alone.
I left my scarf on, let my
Coat slip off to reveal bare shoulders.
If it was cold that night I never noticed.

We slipped into the car and
Sat breathing the same soundwaves.
I just wanted to be happy.
I just wanted you too look at me with
Older eyes that used to take
My clothes off, that used to keep me
For later.

We sat on the edge of your bed and
Slowly laid ourselves down into
Strange hands; new calluses we never
Felt and new feel
To those same sheets.

I don’t remember the morning overtaking us.

You stood in the doorway.
I cried as I kissed you.
The only night you let your love show.

On Wednesday nights I
drink a little too much
and become obsessed with the lines
of my palms, yours.

I count the bottle caps and wonder
How many it takes to get
Your clothes off.

We should have kept a tally going.
We should have been softer and
Turned some music on.

I laughed as we crossed the street.
I shivered and you shrugged but did not
Take your coat off.

I thought about growing old without you
I thought about growing old and out of you.

I wished for a summer, but none came.

I shake when I step on that airplane.
I look at my hands, wonder if I should eat something
Or if I will continue to tremble for days recalling
How happy I could have been here.

“You should love with your heart and your head.”

“You should look at your fingers and remember what they
Touch more often I don’t know if you
Have been aware but everyone is looking at you, they know
You are not happy.”

I call you and you tell me it will be fine tomorrow.
I call you,
You tell me how much you regret.

I know what you were expecting.

You can’t remember the last time you met my eyes.
I can’t remember the last time I believed a word
Out of my own mouth.

I shivered in the dark and you thought I was crying.

You held my hand in the car.
Just to keep me upright I was drunk and
Stumbling I was so ******* angry
At you and everyone else.

I forgot what listening to music alone felt like.

I forgot how we are the mistakes we make
More than the questions that come later.