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2h · 35
nothing new
lizie 2h
open hello poetry
search your last name
click on your profile
check for new poems
(they’re not common
but they come in floods)
write poems
contemplate the what-ifs
feel immense sadness
(for no reason)
it’s nothing new
2h · 15
do-over
lizie 2h
i don’t want a new life.
just this one,
rewound.

same people,
same streets,
same chances.
but this time,
i choose right.
i speak when i should.
i leave when i must.
i keep the pieces
of myself intact.

maybe then
i wouldn’t carry
a body full of regret.
a mind
scribbled out
and rewritten
too many times
to read clearly.

i don’t want to vanish.
i just want to undo
what broke me.
2h · 28
sunshine girl
lizie 2h
i smile,
and sometimes i almost mean it.
most times,
i don’t.
i wonder if they notice
how tightly it’s stitched on,
this grin
i wear like armor.

it drains me,
faking light
when all i carry
is the weight
of everything i can’t say.
my body rots quietly,
while my voice plays pretend.

every laugh is a wince,
every joke a plea.
“you’re the sunshine,”
they tell me.
but storms don’t shine,
and i’ve been thunder
for years.
lizie 1d
i don’t want
to keep writing these,
especially not to you,
but it’s kind of
an easy way
to let my feelings out.
hope that’s okay.

you don’t gotta read them,
of course,
i don’t even know if you do.
doesn’t really change much
i don’t think.
unless you think it does.

i’m real nervous for my
ap u.s. exam tomorrow.
but then afterwards
the jazz band field trip
to rehoboth
will be real fun.
if i’m not sad the whole time.

i’ve got more pain in my neck.
i don’t know why,
i don’t feel sick anymore.
it kind of makes everything
feel so much harder
than it already is.

i had to get blood drawn today.
it took me back to last year
when i got blood drawn
and i passed out.
but you were there to comfort me.
this time, i didn’t pass out,
even though i was really close.
and you weren’t there.

i hate it when
i’m playing my music,
my dex solos or something,
and then the music has to stop.
because it all does eventually.
i hate that.
1d · 62
lie
lizie 1d
lie
“i’m not fragile”
i said
through trembling breaths.
“i know”
my mom replied
a little too quickly,
both words filled with pain,
almost like
she was trying to convince herself.
and we both were
pretending it was true.

all i ever do
is lie.
1d · 39
stupid medicine
lizie 1d
all that this stupid medicine does
is make me fall asleep at 10
and wake up at 6.
it’s stupid.
2d · 249
Untitled
lizie 2d
i made it through the day,
but not yet through the night.
2d · 53
the kind of sad
lizie 2d
it’s the kind of sad
that doesn’t cry loud.
it just sits,
quietly,
in the corners of the room,
curling into the shadows
until even the light
feels heavy.

the kind of sad
where you can’t tell
if you’re tired
or just empty.
if you’re lonely
or just lost.
where music doesn’t help,
but silence hurts more.

it’s the kind of sad
that doesn’t need a reason.
just wakes up with you,
sits beside you on the train,
follows you into class,
and climbs into your bed
before you can even
close your eyes.

it’s the kind of sad
where you drive in the car
and you think you’re okay
until you hear the music
and burst out into tears.
for no reason.

and you want to talk about it.
but what do you say?
“i’m sad,”
like it’s news?
like it hasn’t made
a home in your bones already?
like it hasn’t decorated
your ribs
with every memory
you swore you were over?

it’s the kind of sad
that makes you ache
for people who aren’t coming back,
for versions of yourself
you barely remember.
for a feeling that used to be yours
before everything got
so heavy.

but still,
somehow,
you keep going.
even when it hurts.
especially when it hurts.
and that matters,
even if no one sees it,
though you wish someone would.
lizie 2d
okay but my world still fell apart
so you didn’t help with that.
you didn’t stand
between me and the cliff,
you pushed me towards it.

you can’t say i quieted your voice
because that’s all i wanted to hear,
remember?
i didn’t say you held me back.
no, you held me here.
but no that’s okay.
maybe i’ll get over that one day.
i’ll just add it to the list.

is that only how you see me?
broken?
hurt?
fragile?
self destructive?
i mean,
you’re probably right.
but i do try to have more substance,
i try to do things
that make me happy,
even if it feels impossible.

and sure,
just impose your senseless ideologies
upon my vulnerable mind,
and then tell me they aren’t good
but don’t tell me how to fix them.
it’s not your fault though,
sorry.

maybe it doesn’t matter
how you see me anymore.
maybe it never did.
sorry,
these are just my rambling thoughts.
don’t take them to heart,
except for the ones you should.
(not an attack)
lizie 2d
it’s funny how
you’re at your highest
and i’m at my lowest.
it’s okay,
if this is the price to pay,
it’s okay.
i deserve it,
you deserve happiness,
and all that other *******
you know i believe
but i’m too tired to say.
i’m just really sad.
not about this situation in particular,
but all the spaces,
in between,
inside,
every pore of my being.
but no i’m happy for you,
i really truly am.
(not an attack)
2d · 38
gateway drug
lizie 2d
you were never poison,
but you were the first sip.
the first ache in my chest
i couldn’t name
until it spilled over.

i loved you like a secret,
buried under skin and
shoved between apologies,
but still, you found your way out.
every time.

and now,
every spiral starts with your name.
every hollow night
traces back to
your golden eyes
and the way i used to be
before i ever met them.

you were the gateway drug.
not the overdose,
not the blade,
not the shaking hands or the
bottle of pills i keep by my bed.
but you.
you were the first high,
the first crash,
the first reason i stopped
trusting the calm.

and it freaks me out.
because i’m old enough now
to know what love isn’t.
to know that you opened a door
i still can’t close.
and you walked through it
like it didn’t even lock behind you.

i think i hate you for it.
but mostly,
i miss before.
before you.
before i knew what this meant.
and it freaks me out i’m old enough to know you as a gateway drug
lizie 2d
sorry for all the things i’ve said
about hatred and stuff.
feelings don’t make sense anymore.
i heard you sent screenshots
of our conversations
to cooper,
and i don’t know who else.

i only wrote those things
because you hadn’t been active
on hello poetry.
i thought you were done.
maybe you will be,
i should stop checking.

i’m glad you’re doing better than me.
it’s not hard though,
when your competition
is only still alive
because of a stupid pinky promise
to her mom.

i think i’m gonna
skip some school tomorrow.
i have another doctor’s appointment,
and my mom has off
so we’re gonna hang out a little.
it was her idea,
probably because her child
wants to die.

i’m sitting in the wawa parking lot
because it’s too early
to go in for my shift.
so i’ll just sit here.
have a good practice,
or a bad one,
i don’t know
if i’m allowed to care anymore.
lizie 3d
i don’t like
how i unfollowed you
on everything:
insta, snapchat, tiktok, whatever.
but you still follow me.
i don’t like that.

i still check up on
when you were last active,
or if you reposted something new.
i have to check
that you’re still alive
now that you don’t
write poems anymore.

everyone looks at me
with disappointment
and accusations in their eyes.
it’s okay, i deserve it.
your eyes haven’t
looked at me yet,
but soon they will.

i’m 2:21 minutes into
transcribing dexter gordon’s
body and soul.
i was gonna give up on it,
but then i pictured
you being proud
of me finishing it.

i wish i wasn’t like this
anymore.
you know that though.
i’d rather you break my heart
than me have to do all the breaking.
i mean,
you have though.
lizie 3d
i forgot you wouldn’t
be in class today
because of your
ap human geography exam.
i hope you feel good
about how it went.

i never would’ve told you this,
but i think that class is stupid.
or, it sounds stupid.
but that’s just
what i think.
and even though i say i am,
i’m usually never right.

had my first day
of training at wawa today.
i made some drinks.
i’m still thinking about
that milkshake i promised you.
ugh.

i’ve been thinking about
why everything feels so much harder
now that i’m getting help.
i feel so broken,
so unstable,
so vulnerable.

i think it’s because
i’m finally getting that help
we always talked about
but i still feel the exact same.
or maybe
it’s because i’m exposed,
and i don’t like that.
think i’m gonna cut tonight
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