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31m · 5
how do i explain
lizie 31m
how do i explain
to the little girl
with long white-blonde hair
and blue eyes filled wonder,
that i want to hurt her.
that i’ve thought about it
more than once.
that i’ve cried over her
like a funeral
i didn’t attend.

she used to sing
in the grocery store,
twirl down hallways,
laugh so hard
she snorted.
she didn’t care
who was watching.

how do i explain
that now i flinch
when people look at me.
that i pick at my skin
just to feel
something.
that i miss her
like she died
and somehow
i’m the one who killed her.

i can’t explain.
so i whisper
i’m sorry
to the mirror.
and try,
just for tonight,
not to hurt
what’s left of her.
39m · 9
relapse
lizie 39m
i miss it.
the sting.
the ache.
the tiny rush of
doing something wrong
on purpose.
like i was in control.
like the hurt
was mine.

i know it’s ****** up.
but sometimes
i still want it.
not for attention.
not for drama.
just to feel
something
i understand.
lizie 1d
i don’t want you
to worry.
i just want you
to stay.

i’ll say
i’m fine.
just don’t
go away.
lizie 1d
mom says
i’m the best person she knows.
i smile.
i’m good at pretending.

she says i’m kind,
but i know when it’s a performance.
she says i’m gifted,
but it feels like a trick
i’m barely pulling off.

my sax squeaks,
my test scores blur,
my muscles ache in the water.
and still she calls it talent.

i nod along,
quiet and guilty.

if i’m so good,
why do i always
feel like a lie?
2d · 1.1k
fall into you
lizie 2d
baby,
when i say i love you
i’m half-asleep
and whole in it.

you’re the reason
i don’t need
a wind-down.

i close my eyes
and fall
into you.
i only say “goodnight, i love you” when i’m already half-asleep. that’s how i know it’s real. i never stay up scrolling afterward because he’s the one who winds me down and revs me up all at once.
lizie 3d
the sky is soft tonight
and so am i,
thinking of you
the way i always do,
reminding myself
of my overflowing love.

baby,
you make everything
feel like music again.
like late summer light
on tired skin,
like laughter in the car
with nowhere to go.

i’ve written you
a hundred ways,
but still
this feels like
the first time.
lizie 3d
the sky is orange,
and so are we,
faces lit by the last light,
music shaking the air,
hair caught in the wind
like it wants to leave too.

she’s back.
we’re thirteen again,
laughing like the year
never stretched between us.

sunlight spills through open windows,
sticks to our skin,
melts the silence
between heartbeats.

i’m in love.
she’s home.
the sky is on fire.

everything is orange.
everything is alive.

and for a second,
everything
is exactly
enough.
my long distance friend is home!
lizie 5d
ohhhhhhh i get it
this is what i deserve!
5d · 61
i think
lizie 5d
i think i
used to
be a person
lizie 5d
i say i’m sorry
so you know i care.
because silence feels like giving up,
and i’d rather bruise myself with guilt
than make you wonder if i feel anything at all.

i say it
because i don’t know what else to say.
because love doesn’t always come out soft
when it lives in a body like mine.
a body that flinches from closeness,
but aches for it all the same.

i say it
because i break things.
people.
promises.
quiet moments that deserved to stay whole.
and i want you to know
that i see the damage,
that i’m not blind to what i cause.

how long can i be sorry
before i break?

before the guilt becomes a fault line,
and all my trying
just splits me in two?
before the apology
is the only thing left of me?

i say i’m sorry
because i still believe in glue,
in hands that hold,
in second chances.
but i don’t know
how many more times
i can be the one who breaks things
and still expect
to be held.

i say i’m sorry
because i love you.
and i’m terrified
that won’t be enough.
im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry. i hate this and myself. truly. it makes me wonder why you’re still here, when you very obviously would be better far away from me. i really truly hate myself and i don’t even know how to handle this. it was nice, pretending i was okay and that there were no cracks, but every time you say “it’s fine, i’ll figure it out” i feel another one forming. im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry. i dont want to have to be sorry anymore.
lizie 7d
i think i’m like the sun.
you bask in me,
let me warm you,
fill you.
i light you up in ways
you didn’t know you needed.

and it feels good,
until it doesn’t.
until you wake up
burnt,
red,
empty.
betrayed by the very thing
you thought was saving you.

i never meant to hurt you.
i only meant to glow.
but maybe i don’t know
how to shine
without setting fire.
7d · 153
the hurt
lizie 7d
i slide the blade
s l o w l y
across my pale, soft skin.
it burns,
i don’t smile.
but it’s satisfying to watch
the blood pool in beads.
it hurts.
but it doesn’t hurt as much
as the pain i caused you today.
so i do it again.
Jun 19 · 55
i wish you were here
lizie Jun 19
i wish you were here
so i could tell you everything
without trying to make it sound okay.
just talk,
about things that matter
and things that don’t.
about why the sky feels too far away today
or how i’m tired for no reason.
i think if you were here,
the words would come easier.
or maybe i wouldn’t need so many.
Jun 19 · 29
summer lullabies
lizie Jun 19
i like the way the sun prickles my skin.
like it’s noticing me,
saying my name in heat.
i lie there and take it,
grateful to be wanted
by something so distant.

it burns slowly,
soft as a lullaby,
and i tell myself it’s warmth,
not warning.

i lie still,
my body blooming into color
like a secret i forgot to hide.
no one sees it.
but i’ll feel it later.

just like always.
Jun 19 · 51
the difference
lizie Jun 19
there’s a difference
between loving someone
and being in love with them.

i know that now.
because i love you,
in the way that feels steady,
in the way i’d hold your hand through anything,
in the way you live in my days
without needing to try.

but i am also in love with you.
and that’s different.

that’s why i think of you
when my legs ache
and my chest burns
and i want to quit,
because once,
you said pain means progress.
and somehow, that stayed.

it’s why your laugh feels like sunlight.
why the shape of your name
sits softly in the back of my throat
when i’m too shy to say it.
why i memorize your voice
like it’s the only music
i’ll ever need to hear again.

being in love means
i don’t just want you near me,
i want to be seen by you.
known by you.
still wanted anyway.

and that’s what scares me.
not the loving,
but how deeply i feel it.
how much i want to deserve it.
how quiet the ache gets
when you say my name
like i’ve never been too much.

there’s a difference.
and i know it
because i love you,
and i am in love with you.

and that truth
doesn’t hurt
quite like it used to.
lizie Jun 18
you told me “pain means progress,”
and now i hear you
in the ache of every muscle,
in the quiet burn that comes after trying.

not because we worked out together,
but because you said it once,
like it was nothing,
and it stayed.

and now,
when i run farther than i want to,
or breathe through the hurt,
i think of you.

not in some distant way.
you’re here.
you’re mine.
you’re the reason i don’t give up
even when it stings.

and maybe the idea is a little twisted,
but it reminds me that loving you
makes me stronger,
even if it hurts.
lizie Jun 18
do not fall in love with people like me.
i will destroy you
so beautifully
yet so quietly
that you won’t even realize you’re gone
until you are.

not because i want to.
because some part of me thinks loving me
is something you have to survive.

i will pull away
when all i want is to be pulled closer.
i will freeze
when you offer warmth.
i will try to disappear
just to see if you come looking.

and you will.
and that will break me
more than it ever breaks you.

so do not fall in love with people like me,
unless you can love someone
who is still learning
how to be loved.
Jun 16 · 58
sean
lizie Jun 16
i’m only seventeen,
i don’t know anything.

but i know i miss you.
betty - taylor swift
lizie Jun 15
there’s not much longer, i hope,
before the sky stops feeling too big,
before vacation doesn’t sound so far,
before missing you stops echoing.

there’s not much longer, i hope,
before the waiting softens a little,
before i stop checking my phone
just to see if you thought of me.

there’s not much longer, i hope,
until we go back to our little world,
the stolen minutes, the quiet updates,
the kind of love that hides in plain sight.

there’s not much longer, i hope,
and even if there is,
i’ll still be here, counting minutes,
and loving you through the distance.
Jun 15 · 34
i miss you already
lizie Jun 15
hey love,
i know you’re only gonna up there for a little while,
but i’ve been missing you this whole time.
i keep thinking about you in the clouds,
somewhere between here and there,
and how even the sky feels a little quieter
when you’re not around.
how far are you away from me now,
at this moment?
i hope vacation is good to you,
but not too good.
i want you to come back.
i miss you already.
Jun 15 · 32
plane ride
lizie Jun 15
you’re in the sky,
and i’m still here,
counting clouds
and minutes
until you land safely,
until you message me back,
and feel, again,
like the world makes sense.
Jun 15 · 87
green means go
lizie Jun 15
green means go
but i hesitate.
because every green light
turns yellow eventually,
and i’ve learned to fear
what’s coming.

it’s not really about driving.
it’s just,
every time life feels good,
i’m already scared
of losing it.
Jun 15 · 53
what i deserve
lizie Jun 15
i don’t deserve
the soft things.
not love,
not light,
not even quiet.

everything i’ve earned
is a lie,
and everyone knows it.
they just pretend they don’t.

i only deserve
what cuts.
and maybe
i always have.
Jun 14 · 66
poeticize
lizie Jun 14
i poeticize too much.
a glance becomes a story,
a pause becomes a metaphor.
you say “hi”
and suddenly i’m writing about the way
your voice cuts through the noise in my chest.

i turn us into sonnets
before we’ve even lived the scene.
your hand brushes mine
and it’s a whole stanza
about skin and gravity
and how maybe the universe
meant for this moment to happen.

you say “i didn’t sleep much last night,”
and i think:
the moon must’ve been jealous
of how bright you were yesterday.
i poeticize.
because the truth,
as it stands,
feels too raw.
too terrifying.
too good.

so i cover it in metaphors
and rhyme it with prettier pain
until it sounds like a poem
instead of a prayer.
and maybe that’s my way
of saying
i love you.

not in a loud, bright way.
but in the margins of notebooks,
in lyrics i never share,
in every sentence i twist
just to feel closer to you.

i poeticize
because plain words
can’t hold you.
but maybe
poetry can.
maybe i can learn to, too.
Jun 13 · 52
i love him
lizie Jun 13
i love the way he listens,
like nothing else matters.
i love how he always makes me laugh,
even when i don’t want to.

i love how easy it is
to be myself with him.
how he makes everything
a little less heavy.

i just…
i love him.
simple as that.
Jun 13 · 17
a study of him
lizie Jun 13
he tilts his head back when he laughs,
like joy is something he trusts will catch him.
he moves like music.
fluid, unbothered,
as if the world bends a little to let him through.

he talks with his hands,
but listens with his whole heart.
he remembers small things
like my favorite songs,
what makes me happy,
what time i usually start to spiral.

he’s the kind of boy who says “i miss you”
in between ordinary moments,
not afraid to feel with his whole heart,
and doesn’t shy away from mine either.

he works harder than anyone i’ve ever known.
he dresses his achievements
up as failures,
but he knows i see through it.

he’s gentle with people,
even when they’re not gentle with him.
he thinks too much,
but it’s only because he cares too much.

he believes he’s a mess.
i believe he’s a miracle.

and when he tells me he loves me,
it sounds like a promise
he made to himself
long before he met me.
a study of sean 🫶
Jun 13 · 55
i chose you on purpose
lizie Jun 13
you say you’re too much,
like love is a burden i wasn’t ready to carry.
but i knew what i was doing
when i reached out both those times.

you might unravel some days,
and i won’t flinch.
i won’t fold.
i will gather the thread,
and hold it gently against my heart,
until you can breathe again.

you worry you’re broken,
but i’ve never asked for perfection.
i never needed easy.
i only wanted real.
and you,
in all your aching,
your effort,
your heart that still tries,
you are the most real thing i’ve ever had.

i don’t want someone simpler.
i don’t want someone “less.”
i just want you.

every tangled thought.
every quiet panic.
every soft smile that fights its way through the dark.

i didn’t stumble into this,
i chose you.
on purpose.
and i will choose you again
every time the world asks me to prove it.
Jun 13 · 149
summer with you
lizie Jun 13
summer with you
will be
forbidden meetings
and “tell me about your day.”
laughing in whispers,
loving in glances,
missing each other
endlessly and unforgivingly.

it will be
the ache of wanting more
and the sweetness of having enough.
murmurs of nothing across screens,
and talking in code,
listening to songs that only we understand.

it will be
the quiet promise
that we’ll stick together
in every way we know how.
new, different,
a little secret,
but still,
undeniably us.
Jun 12 · 86
adorable
lizie Jun 12
“have there been any safety concerns
since last week?”
“no,” i lie,
hoping she doesn’t
see the truth
sitting heavy in my eyes.

“have there been urges?”
“yes,” i say,
truthfully,
but like i’m afraid she’ll flinch.

“why don’t you act on them?”
“because i’m not allowed to anymore.”
it was the truth,
just wrapped in a lie.

she smiles.
“that’s adorable.”
Jun 11 · 58
something
lizie Jun 11
school is out.
the air smells like sunscreen
and grass clippings
and some version of freedom
i’m still learning how to hold.

i want to be the old me again.
the one who didn’t flinch
at every memory.
but i never quite live up
to who she was.

there’s no more
funny band classes with him,
no more hallway glances
that meant more than they said.
and that hurts more
than i want it to.

but it was the worst year
of my life.
and maybe,
just maybe,
leaving it behind
is something.
not everything.
not healing.
but something.
Jun 11 · 58
spin
lizie Jun 11
i’m trying not to think too hard.
because it hurts.
because it always does.
but you can’t stop an overthinker
from thinking,
just like you can’t stop a heart
from wanting.

my head aches
with the weight of everything
i can’t fix.
my nose won’t stop running,
my cough shakes something loose
in my chest,
but not the part
that misses you.

and i do.
miss you in a way that
makes the room spin,
makes me wish i was
dumb and lighthearted
and easy.
but i’m not.

i think too hard.
feel too much.
want too deeply.
and right now,
i want you
more than i know
how to handle.
lizie Jun 10
forbidden doesn’t mean unloved.
it just means we had to get clever,
had to learn the quiet art
of slipping past the noise,
finding each other
in the cracks between rules.

we speak in hush tones
through fake personas,
a call tucked
into the folds of night,
your laugh breaking softly
against my ear like tide.

they told us “no,”
so we invented yes
in the language only we know.
stolen minutes,
a heartbeat shared
over a signal no one can trace.

the world doesn’t see
what it means when you say my name
like it’s a promise.
but i do.

and maybe we’re breaking the rules,
but we are not breaking each other.
we are not wrong.
we are not alone.
forbidden doesn’t mean unloved,
it just means
we love anyway.
lizie Jun 9
in december,
i swore i wouldn’t write
another poem for sean.
said it with a sigh,
maybe even meant it.
i thought,
never again.

but then came january,
quiet and cold,
and somehow he was still
in the smoke of my breath.
a year since we began,
when i fell in love.

february found me
stitching metaphors together
like valentines
i never sent.
february saw the worst of it.

march marched in
with memories and melodies
i played our songs
and called it practice,
but it was always more.

by april,
i was blooming poems
like daffodils,
soft, persistent, yellow with hope.
a year since we ended,
but we grew again during that month.

in may,
every line was him
in some shadowed corner
of what i didn’t know how to say.
we were broken,
but stitched together once more.

and now it’s june.
i’m still writing.
still choosing him
in verse
because i don’t know
how not to.
so much for never again.
Jun 9 · 43
someday, maybe
lizie Jun 9
you said you’d plant
weeping willows for me,
one in the backyard
of a house we don’t live in yet.
but i can see it.

the wind makes the branches sway
like they already know our names.
like they’ve been waiting
for us to come home.

you say,
“whatever you want,”
and i think
i want everything
as long as you’re in it.

maybe someday
we’ll take that car ride
where we’re not supposed to go,
laughing too loud,
with the windows down,
breaking a few rules,
but not each other.

and maybe
the world won’t always be kind.
but we’ll have that backyard.
those trees.
this promise.
and i’ll know i was loved
by someone who wanted
what i wanted
just because it was mine.
Jun 8 · 103
today is kind
lizie Jun 8
woke up wrapped
in the warmth of being loved
by him, by the quiet.
the world felt gentle today.
no red lights
on the way to work.
no rush.
just open roads and soft skies,
like the universe decided
i deserved a breath of ease.
maybe,
just maybe,
today is kind.
Jun 7 · 64
gold
lizie Jun 7
you shine in a way
that makes me forget
how scared i am
of things that don’t last.

your laugh is gold.
bright, rare,
the kind of sound
that makes the whole room softer.

your eyes carry the light
of every sunset i’ve ever missed,
and still, they find me
even in the dark.

your love feels like a sunrise
i get to keep waking up to.
gentle.
glowing.
mine.

and i know what they say:
“nothing gold can stay”
but you’re the exception
i want to believe in.
you’re the one i’d hold on to,
even as the world lets go.

maybe,
if i hold you close enough,
if i tell you this often enough,
you’ll stay.
you’ll stay.
lizie Jun 7
she’s not in broken pieces.
she’s whole.
like she’s never had to tape herself back together just to get through a day.
her stomach is flat,
but all that’s flat about me
is my humor.
when i try to be enough,
and still fall short.

she’s hilarious.
she knows what to say, always.
how to make people laugh,
how to make him feel heard,
how to end a fight
with a kiss or a joke.
me?
i freeze.
i shut down.
i say the wrong thing,
or nothing at all.

she can argue with him
and still make him feel loved.
i argue and feel like
i’ve already lost.
she knows how to be fire and warmth.
i’m just scared of being
too much heat,
or not enough.

she can fill his bed
like it’s made for her.
like she belongs there.
i flinch at the thought,
afraid my body isn’t
something that could hold comfort.
she fits into all the places
i don’t.

he rests his head on her shoulder,
like it’s the only place peace lives.
with me,
he only watches from a distance,
like i’m something delicate he can break,
or something heavy
he’s too tired to carry.
i am.

she is everything i’m not.
she is confidence,
and comfort,
and beauty,
and laughter.
she is ease.
and i?
i’m just a pause between heartbeats.
i’m just trying to be worth
the space i take up.
she is everything.
and i…
i don’t know what i am.
Jun 7 · 104
11:11
lizie Jun 7
11:11,
and all i want
is for you to feel full
with the way i love you.
like maybe, for once,
i’m enough.
lizie Jun 7
i wish last night didn’t happen.
where we were both falling apart,
just in different corners of the night.
i should’ve been there
to hold in all the hurt.
but my hands were full,
and i think yours were too.

i don’t want you to feel bad,
but i also don’t want to pretend it didn’t hurt.
i needed someone to hold me together,
and all i could think about
was how you usually do.

but i still love you in the morning.
i always will.
lizie Jun 7
i feel like i’m never enough,
like no matter what i do,
it’s not enough to matter.
but at the same time,
i’m too much.
too intense,
too complicated,
too hard to handle.
it’s like i’m stuck in between,
too much, yet not enough.
and that makes me wonder
if i’m worth it at all.
Jun 7 · 187
the count
lizie Jun 7
the count
has gone from
26 days
to 30 seconds
Jun 7 · 76
Untitled
lizie Jun 7
using my nails,
mimicking the feeling of a knife.
it’s not working.
tell me to stop.
Jun 7 · 59
stolen moments
lizie Jun 7
blade pressed into skin,
about to undo 26 days
of strength and silent pain…

but then,
my sister walks in,
and the knife stays still.

a breath held,
a moment stolen from falling apart,
and somehow, i keep myself whole.
lizie Jun 7
E. your laugh is a melody that i long to hear.
i’ve memorized how it feels to find you in every moment.


S. I missed you more than anyone could know, and I can’t lose you again, don’t leave anymore.
You know me more than anyone else, and nobody knows you know anything.


E. the secret of us is in the way we keep making eye contact when no one’s watching.


S. I can’t stop looking at your beautiful face, did you notice?


E. those golden eyes are sometimes stormy, yet somehow always home.


S. Your hair waves in the breeze, golden strands shining brighter than the sun.


E. with you, i never feel like drowning, it feels like breathing again.


S. I love you so much my heart grew.
Jun 6 · 96
sense
lizie Jun 6
saw a cut on my wrist today.
wished it was deeper.
wished i had done it.
at least then
it would’ve made sense.
Jun 6 · 74
just this
lizie Jun 6
i want to pull you close
and never let go.
i want to thread my fingers
through your brown hair,
to hear the melody
of your laughter,
like a favorite song
i never get tired of.

there’s something about you
that makes the world quieter.
makes the air easier to breathe.
like maybe i was always meant
to end up here,
in the warmth of your smile.

i don’t need grand gestures or gifts.
just this.
you.
me.
and the kind of love
that makes ordinary days
feel like music.
Jun 5 · 87
forever
lizie Jun 5
i wish it was just
you and me,
alone,
forever.
Jun 5 · 54
if you were here
lizie Jun 5
“i think i hate everyone here,”
i texted.
and it was true.
in the crowded room
with people laughing too loud,
i wasn’t, though.
i felt small.
not lonely exactly,
just misplaced.

but if you were here,
i think i’d scoot my chair real close
in the way that says,
“thank god you get it,”
we’d make fun of everyone else
without even saying a word,
just one look
and i’d feel understood.
i would laugh,
and make you laugh too.

maybe i don’t hate everyone.
maybe i just miss you
in places
that don’t feel like mine
without you.
Jun 5 · 199
for you to notice
lizie Jun 5
it’s weird.
it feels like everything i do
is for you to notice.

but somehow,
you notice things
no one else ever has.
things even i
never knew were there.
i feel like a silly child! but it’s true. everything i do is for you to notice. i think you do. sometimes
Jun 5 · 122
eye contact
lizie Jun 5
for once,
no one talked over me.
the air felt light.
we kept meeting eyes
across the noise.
not awkward,
just right.
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