I miss you.
and the sick satisfaction of adrenaline.
the openness of your pantry
and sensitivity to dander that remains solely to your house.

jovial but once this year
I have exiled myself to other islands
to watch in golden telescopes

some others fill the gaps in which I made
yet I’ll blame you
for my own banishment

I am a prime example
of brains before beauty
putting my heart on the lines of loose leaf

Serotonin production ceased when steam was industrialized
drown me, dopamine
save my friendship

i am not prayer; i am poetry
and exist within
(and outside)
a realm of preconceived notions
about choices from august nights

and i still experience
that uncomfortable humidity
that pours from hot breath and hollow hearts

have you ever stopped to think
that i am more than
a look on my face
(an aparent sign of ****** activity)
and that the feelings we share are not mutual

i am sexless
and will not submit myself to: *** of sorry/
of fifty mile travels/
or because you are homesick/
or because you walked me to my car
parked 50 feet away

because i am more that fifty feet
and i am more than prayers and poems

**** sapien*
fluid secretion from fountains
   under
      my
         tongue
escape when I talk
fumble over words
pool in the cup
by my bottom teeth
   lower lip ****

and when I spit
all
of my secrets
    those I promised
desertification occurs

i am rock
   knock with bone
dry
come and pick me, cotton picker
the seeds of my ignorant youth
   will
      stab
         at the
            hands
   slaver is hurt

saliva

Which lips did I come out of
that you feel the need to yell

conceived on your tongue
grew in your vocal cords

the tremors
the tremors in which I developed
vibrated so deep
I do not feel swaddled

when your throat opens
I shake
   close it for my comfort

I am late
eight
ten
sixteen years
I, child of showers,
I was birthed like no other

but I am still
a carrier of DNA
do
not
adapt
to make me a burden
or blame them on me

cut this cord
mami
take pride in my existence

I detest the sugar surprises
found only when swallowed
it tricked my tongue and burned me
whipped fire upon my buds
mislead them
but when swallowed
and the canyon of giant mounds
is scorched
a sweet tsunami arises
squints my eyes
lips aimed south
give me warmth
without the artificial sense
greens and blacks
no more fruits

tengo que recordar
que mis amigos
no son posesiones
sino extenciones
de mi existencia
de mi sustento

y mis amigos hablaran
de mi molestia
y de mi gloria
y cambiaran historias
de mis luchas

pero no soy una criminal
yo quiero sentarse n el coche
de ***** y oro
y no enterder la musica
que eliges

y cuando yo voy a mi casa
despues un noche
de cigarillos
y bufandas
yo quiero olor el humo
en mi pelo y mi piel
y recordara
que mis amigos no son posesiones
pero son extenciones
de mi existencia
y de mi sustento

I want but true affection
rather than that
produced by guilt

desperate to stay one
you succumb to old habits
and donate no reassurance

i doubt
in cycles
and I am at the top of the ferris wheel
i see the land
and not the man next to me

am I more than just a variety
of frozen food and prepared meals
and the occassional agressive "ive missed you"
exhaled between kisses

i am acustomed to your familiarity
and your soap scent
and harsh tongue
your lashes at my best men

but you are calming
but you are rough waves

i am tired of being brushed against the shore
i should be the ocean

you are brewing
and steaming
and boiling
and churning
in the hot air
and hot water
in your nervous system

and you are
making yourself sick
from the words you’re swallowing
debes masticar las palabras
de sus amigos
before you ***** up
tangled messes

is your heart on your sleeve
next to the tender ******
of your sharpened blade
limpialo! stop crying
i am tired of your stirring

a ti yo soy la bruja
ill shut the lid of the cauldron

What in your life could be so difficult
that you confide in keyboards
when surrounded by voices
your adult nature
in a malnourished body
is the culprit perhaps
negligee that neglects curves
your synapses are not firing
can you not get the message to your brain
   your oxygen starved brain
so you breathe more quickly
and in turn produce tears
you’re not happy
unless you don’t see him
but are still melancholy
and exaggerate
   this is getting monotonous
   as we sit at round tables
   and discuss your behavior
you lone hairless baby
shush your sickly sweet sniffles

un simbolo profundo
de los jovenes rebeldes
ignorantes
se puede encontrar
en las tiendas
el las camisetas
de un pais
lleno de sus enimigos
de amigos del pais
que apoyan
la idea de capitalismo
y la cara
de un hombre guapo
un hombre argentino
un hombre cubano
un revolucionario
es incomprendido
por las tiendas
que usan su cara
para ganar dinero
para difundir confusión
entre jóvenes
me interesa que
un hombre tan inteligente
cayó a un país
que terminó su vida
y ahora
usa su casa
de un lección
y símbolo
de las similares
entre capitalismo
y comunismo

Have you watched them scale the mountain?

i did.
i felt it.

they are a swarm
red and pink and orange
tightly knit
and drag through goo

crescending river
flow oppositely

it is not a volcano
will not erupt
but pools
and waits
acidic and tangy
a trigger

i have felt them
i am everest

Can you appreciate what I offer
Those dimples developing in my abdomen
come as quickly as the months
my back is pulled up
crescent moon
hearts
no rest for breaths
I hope those curves
that you once goose bumped remain
stick to me like oats
I desire shape
but adorn bones

i am not firm
and we are not like-minded
and maybe we are wrong
or care just right

you are not merciful
you are angry
and vengeful
and appreciative
at the wrong moments
and so curious
with the wrong questions

and i am not patient
but am ill tempered
and am made of estrogen
and progesterin
and every night at 7pm
7:05 7:23
i release more
and want to cry alot

we are bad breath in the morning
and secret geatures and pet names
and we are bread and soy
and lazy individuals
and i need hugs
and you need me

I can never do anything right
I can never do anything right
I can never do anything right

and while my mom asks God
for a path out of misery
I shut my lips
and wash ranch dishes

splits in my hands
lotion and alcohol
do nothing but burn

Lord, take away these chest pains
and the fact that I enjoy so little in my life
I am a failed parent Lord
I can never do anything right

An extreme ***** of loneliness
rise over run
has plateau’d and remains constant

and on that ray
the fixed end is frustration
a sense of familiarity
and the inability to mobilize
in order to project anger

in desperation I contact.
send out my words
with underlying whimpers of pleading
I move from high to low
and in order to ground myself
I omit the most vibrant of energies

you are blind, I am unstable
if only my words grasped at your throat
sweet swimmer
and took attention to your voice
I was once so attracted to

be the man that your larynx suggests
I want some **** attention

My head and hands
lie on different pages
the passion heated thoughts
do not reach past wrists
so icebergs
they remain
and when instructed
to complete the most
simple of tasks
they disobey
disobedient
little morons
and blame
other elements
for their underlying timidness
no wonder
they are always blushing

I have never held your hand
but rather only experienced it
when it danced tight
ellipses
on my scalp.
I have witnessed
its mistreatment
and the sudden removal of layers;
the acidic outbursts of peroxide
pink sundaes of pain.
the constant pick of ***** fingernails
they will never be clean.

I could recognize your hands
from a distance
but would easily mistake their brush

I lay here
barefooted
and my pants will loosen
and begin to fall off
but I am alone in this
twin
under layers
but alone
and I lay on one side
and arch my back
and pretend your arm
is slung around me
close to my *******
and you'll hug me
it’s my favorite
and were close from the most
inappropriate angles
and you'll kiss my neck
and your body heat confuses me
because you are ever so warm
then I fall asleep
and its morning

you are sinful
abrazce mi cuerpo
and eat it wholly

We are planted together
roots underground
intertwined.

we share water
and you so generously
shade me with your leaves.

and even in the summer’s heat
when I am beneath you for shade
I wish to be closer

and even in the winters edge
when you are bare and I am gone
I wish to be closer

and though our roots wrap among each other
and you taste but sweet nectar
I wish to be closer

but this feeling
is unreachable
unless I grew inside you

is it sad
that two beings
are eachothers
replacement for loneliness
and share minimal
mutual attraction
but the same amount of holes?

and it has been written
in electronic contract
and blue light
the extent of their flirtation
and absence of emotion

Do not struggle, my love
the others have led you to quicksand
the more you stress
the faster you descend
slow down
and enjoy your remaining time

I cannot trust an idle mind.
my psyche
   makes
      me
         sick.
and along with a heightened
   uvula
and bruised stomach
   potential convulsions
an elevated heartbeat
suggests the illness of my mind
rather than a bacterium induced
expulsion
I have avoided the great depths of seas:
   this is the second night in a row

I am rock candy
unstable
and I melt

and your mouth is warm
i am liquifying
decrease in matter
fall in on myself
and inside you

and all is left
is a wooden stick
and sticky lips
from rock candy

I wonder what it'd be like if
your rests were endless
and you never awoke
and how my life would be hollowed
and my chest would be empty
and it's hard enough to crave an embrace
let alone to lose you forever
so my worries flood me like bodies in cemeteries
praying that you are never among them

so rather than scaring myself blind
I’ll appreciate your time now
and sleep with you for short whiles
until it is eternal

Are you trying to convince me
or yourself
that these confessions are real
I have heard such words
so much they’ve become a habit
your voice: a culture
I beat drums in my chest
adorn my best clothing
move heavily to beats
shower me with fruits
let this grow plentiful
I know not if your words have certainty

I hear your larynx tremor
in the hallway;
I’ll peak through the window
mistake me for active.
the involuntary squeal
and sudden river eyes
I am Caucasian.
I blush.

so as I blot my eyes
   simultaneously submit them
and my whispers are octaves lower than usual
I will fanaticize of log cabs
and corduroy

I am not your student anymore

I am not godly
and with that
and my triangle shaped torso,
my shoulders are only so broad

i can not carry the weight of my body
ever expanding
with that of glistening papers
and paintings
and customer service

you have not felt my nausea
or seen my list
a weekly redone reminder
of what I must remember to do

am I your star child
or am I obedient

Rather than placing those
through the webs of my fingers
place them through my bare ribs
use my hipbones for leverage
this could be worthwhile
or turn me into
another common cold
but I can’t help but think
no one wants to see me naked

then I remember how you have
but not truly
bits and pieces
never the whole
and how your teeth left a permanent mark
on my chest
scratch and claw into my back
and remind me
that you still want me
be hungry
I cannot be

I’ll admit to having missed you
despite the thorn-tongued remarks
"never again"
compatibility was inevitable
common factors in conversation

have two years passed
or did we glance away and forget
your voice is calming
and emotions astonishing
brush my hair
and tell me stories

I will feel inferior in your presence
but never more equal with another

I would like a gap between my thighs
at least one inch
so they're small enough
to wrap your fingers around
both hands
cup them
and I want to look like a doll
small
and slim
and pale
my freckles
big eyes
long hair
do not ask me to eat
do you not notice my smaller portions
and how I walk to the fridge
then disappear
I will disappear
and bones will take my place

dear lord
we are on rough waters
of a pool of saliva
you produced while sleep walking

and only in your sleep
do you acknowledge my existence
through blind retort
blue-glowing retort

I am the sail and will decide the direction
and you are the wind propelling us into jagged rocks and jagged water
your crew has abandoned ship
and you are a whirlpool
and eventually
your twitching eyes
darting eyes
sleep walking eyes
will creak under crusty cement
and you will too acknowledge the ship you destroyed
on jagged rocks
and rough waters

sometimes i wish
that the faint set of
vibrations on the carpet
were caused by the alarm
of your desire to talk to me
to reach out to me
to miss me

but the only vibrations
are those i remember
after the first kiss
and me laying awake
for two hours buzzing

and how can it go for three months
and how can you not remember me

My thoughts have transitioned
from short term to long term
less of sunday afternoon
and more or future apartments

but let it not divert you
from the fact
that I miss you daily

your laundry soap smell;
you taste like nothing

With little feet
I scurry up your leg
a noble ascension
and fly over your groin.
my feet patter on your stomach
my presence remains unacknowledged
because you are far in your dreams
and  my small body makes no sort of an impact

I wish to climb to your face
and gaze
but I will do of no such thing
because I have found warmth by your heartbeat
and I curl myself atop it
and though it is unsteady
it assures me you are alive
and this has become my favourite of spots
I cannot drown in the waves of your chest
and finally
I am not fearful of swimming

They live in apartments
and pueblos
sobrepoblacion
it is overcrowded

and the littlest one
she is kicked out

weak
and left to wander
   to
      linger

que lastimo
poor baby

but I will not stop her
      it is her own problem

eventually
she'll cause more trouble
and
   evolve

she will climb stairways
and cry in the window
of their apartments

they are tucked away
in neuron drywall
and she wails
lacrimas/
and haunts me

she has since october

conceived
and birthed
prematurely
i clung to you
and the little life you'd shown

and i cut
the umbilical cord
     too quickly
but you were compiled of
    nutrients
i feed you through transfusion

but after having nursed you
though ******* and lips
your detachment
is my greatest loss

Your phantom is so satisfactory

and the blurred visuals of your face
conjure great heat
  Burning heat

your sweet words
less than three daily
are more pleasurable
than the goose bumps of dopamine

scarcely say you love me
and it won’t matter

we are stronger than my doubts

I cannot vocalize
verbalize
and instead build steam
pound my eardrums
flutters twenty times per second

they burst
I’m open
tremendous winds
escape the cannel
cold winds
they sting my eyes

we have reached
another ultimatum
you are cold
I am timid

I wait for you to cut me into chunks
rather than in gradual bits had I been sooner

I will give you the benefit of the doubt
as always
and when you’ve beseeched my benefit
I will doubt some more

I love you and your unchanging scent
let this be as constant

It’s when you begin to tremble
tremors in your breathing
that I worry.

limited experience
and uumined knowledge
are the real driving forces

lets quiver together

flare them nostrils !

your heart requires more oxygen

and your body more blood

I spent many a-night crying
about how my future is changing too suddenly
about how the man who'd so generously
given me his x chromosome
kicked out us three mice
no x's
no o's

he left us to scurry for food
and to quickly find shelter
but this was no easy task
seeing as every golden opportunity
was blocked by traps

and on that final day
you stayed and helped me move
and before anything was even loaded
you stopped
and took me in your arms

then for a split second I didn't breathe
but you were so warm
and I was so scared
then I didn't want to move
because I did not belong in houses
as much as I belonged in those arms

A gate unlatched
enter and exit as you please
an ellipse
they repeat
each new
yet no different
but the end is known
it has not changed
I fight the jittery feelings
of new relationships
for familiarity

I have never learned to love so much
as I have these purple fins
and whether they are
wide spread and masculine
or shriveled as they are
he is too perfect
and I may not touch him
as I would another
I feel him swim in the back of my eyes
and the back of my heart
and he snuggles his head between rocks
and recognizes my faces
and dances with adrenaline
and I have never loved
any fins more

After deep accomplishment
ten-fold
i wind back
to the insecure disposition

oh resolution
you have cost me so much
and not enough
five less than enough

i have made permanence
with the tens of yellow cells I flattened
tens of thousands
my organs dont need you
i am soft as a cushion

it must have been after the shaky hesitation
and half naked runs across rooms
or after the time I saw all of your skin
(all of it)

it was after the time your shyed away
silent laughing
or were we home alone?

maybe it was after the time
you wished for me in your bed
and there I appeared
fully dressed and unaware

and I have won trophies
for sneaking in and out of houses
for staying put in your bedroom
for spitting toothpaste out of windows

and I have won trophies
and heavy medals I wear around my neck
for my jealousy and attitude
and aversion to drinking while stealing your liquor
and making you angry
so angry
and so scary
and for making it up to you
and for forgiving you when you have done the same

and in some point
on some squeaky stair
I feel in love
with fishing poles
and the fingers that hold them
and with front seat riding
and a sudden desire
to maybe not be so independent

and sometimes when I think about
the rapid growth
of a flower and a ****
and how easily comparable they are
to coconut drinks and spoiled rice
I wonder if you will get sick of me
and my jealousy
and my attitude

or if after we have shared skin secrets
for month upon month
I still get nervous
when you walk out of bathrooms
and at long eye contact
and for my constant crying
I am not sad
but do you still get nervous?

Come on
mister
let’s see what’s in the forest
let’s play behind the trees
I’ll let you hold my hands

lets climb up in the willows
and kiss behind the curtain
lets walk farther
find a rabbit hole
undo the knots in my tree
my roots are twisted
from your hand in my hair

and soon well find a log cabin
oh I just know it
and the water will be warm
let’s turn my white dress ivory
lets go into the forest

My garden
a city
surrounded by water
ridden with smog
and to you
my love
I open my gates
and you may tour
my many attractions
but if you ask
to enter my buildings
your access
is denied

With bone in my gum
I control you
through forceful clamps
and humid brushes
you posses limited control
with your vulnerable jugular
my coffee bean teeth
are your determining factors

she is so loved
by those whom see her as sunshine
and smiles
a rose colored woman
so mature for her age
and with stability on her
shoulders
and motivation on her
back
one who is oh so
lucky
and she is ever so
blessed

You're are preserved in
my thoughts of later dates
where I am fully bloomed
and independent
and you are a working man
with a steady income
I see us living together
and saving for another place
and I see spring buds
in our arms
that we created
and can now keep
and one day we will be
gray together
and your face will be scruffy
and you will not care
and I hope that I can do it again
in heaven