anxiety
A select spot
and involuntary
gyration
of the hand

there really is no tingle
or tickle
but it is comforting
-- a safety mechanism.

I get no pleasure,
but rather distraction.

  coarse,
      
    thick

anxiety makes me itch.

Slick,
slick yellow lining
it protrudes from chins
and abdomens
and arms.
one can pass down genes
but just as easily
chicken fried steak
crisco
lard.
siempre son gordos
that is not genetic.

I hear your larynx tremor
in the hallway;
I’ll peak through the window
mistake me for active.
the involuntary squeal
and sudden river eyes
I am Caucasian.
I blush.

so as I blot my eyes
   simultaneously submit them
and my whispers are octaves lower than usual
I will fanaticize of log cabs
and corduroy

I am not your student anymore

I have never held your hand
but rather only experienced it
when it danced tight
ellipses
on my scalp.
I have witnessed
its mistreatment
and the sudden removal of layers;
the acidic outbursts of peroxide
pink sundaes of pain.
the constant pick of ***** fingernails
they will never be clean.

I could recognize your hands
from a distance
but would easily mistake their brush

it is noisome
but rather unnoticed.
easily remembered scents;
sawdust and masculinity.

What was likely apple jacks
that resembled arroz con leche
was the primary factor in
an eleven
year
anxiety
attack

the frozen inability to enter
muraled cafeterias
clement j zablocki
you hold torture chambers

"call my mom I am sick"
distract me from my nausea
my mental nausea

I am not ready for this confrontation

Let me be a woman you write of
with montaña curves
tuffs of hair

I want to be admired like chile
and upheld like your literature
kiss me with ink and paper
acid free
and coo me with love letters from mistaken authors

pablo, release your fire
and aim towards my fur;
Am I not a worthy candidate
for an unhealthy obsession

Trivial they may seem
one worded acknowledgments
provide the greatest of hopes

sing into my seashell
slung around my neck
it tremors with my heartbeat

lay vertically on my pillow
and let the coolness
influence your words

I cannot trust an idle mind.
my psyche
   makes
      me
         sick.
and along with a heightened
   uvula
and bruised stomach
   potential convulsions
an elevated heartbeat
suggests the illness of my mind
rather than a bacterium induced
expulsion
I have avoided the great depths of seas:
   this is the second night in a row

I cannot vocalize
verbalize
and instead build steam
pound my eardrums
flutters twenty times per second

they burst
I’m open
tremendous winds
escape the cannel
cold winds
they sting my eyes

we have reached
another ultimatum
you are cold
I am timid

I wait for you to cut me into chunks
rather than in gradual bits had I been sooner

I will give you the benefit of the doubt
as always
and when you’ve beseeched my benefit
I will doubt some more

I love you and your unchanging scent
let this be as constant

After nearly forgetting your face
I crave nothing but to study it
respect my wishes
and my longingness for affection
I pray my face be more radiant
with warm rose light
than cold blue
artificial glows

after such absence
you remember who I am
the map of my anatomy is built into your brain
and the nerve endings are excited
spinal cord reminiscence
awake my dusty adrenal glands

but as soon as breathing changes
sadly we are interrupted
an uncomfortable force
lumbering awkwardly
rests at the bedside

we hadn’t kissed in three weeks
today is no different

My subconscious mind would worry you
lingering attractions
prevail gaps in my desires
I must be missing something
there is something I miss

Stalling
get your foot off the acceleration
hold my hands not my thighs
the lights gone red
this may take a while

once were off
my head: blown back
I love the speed
but our senses failed us
my body lied
we hit a tree
a ****** accident
who was the victim, really
the wounds were the same
my blood
stained you
save me with your holy hands
I’m bleeding out of every nook and cranny
this red light
may be longer than expected

It was the heavy breathing
I think
that I liked the most
our mouths made no movement
as our faces dried
and sternums rocked
planted kisses in a chalk line
wet florettes on my chest
pretended to worry
about potential marks on my neck
such gentle
aggressive manners
heart rate raised
resulted in the breathing

Are you trying to convince me
or yourself
that these confessions are real
I have heard such words
so much they’ve become a habit
your voice: a culture
I beat drums in my chest
adorn my best clothing
move heavily to beats
shower me with fruits
let this grow plentiful
I know not if your words have certainty

Can you appreciate what I offer
Those dimples developing in my abdomen
come as quickly as the months
my back is pulled up
crescent moon
hearts
no rest for breaths
I hope those curves
that you once goose bumped remain
stick to me like oats
I desire shape
but adorn bones

For whom do you sacrifice
my child
slave over sweat
is this for yourself
you are excited by attraction
and attractiveness
find time for little but
introverted social butterfly
tell me
sweet daughter
what have you done for me
each night you ask
protection from fear
healthiness
then thank for the generic
do you think about it often
how little you feel you need me
how often do you visit
a dying man

then you insist upon apologetic mannerisms
send your tears
worship rosaries on your death bed
to you I am but a figurine
to match your decor
do something noble perhaps
with your false sense
of kindness to all
you know of truth
and are belittled when it’s said
I know I am in your head
when his is three times more strong
your commitment is noble
this you have not lied
but you sinner
come home

We have romanticized the idea
of a large ceramic bowl

an area
to potentially suffocate

lay until water drops body temperature

sticky humidity
is this sweat or water

cinnamon scented
and flavored
snafu: flames
singe my nostrils with your desserts

naked
and vulnerable
but completely content
I am stewing
in ceramic bowls

What in your life could be so difficult
that you confide in keyboards
when surrounded by voices
your adult nature
in a malnourished body
is the culprit perhaps
negligee that neglects curves
your synapses are not firing
can you not get the message to your brain
   your oxygen starved brain
so you breathe more quickly
and in turn produce tears
you’re not happy
unless you don’t see him
but are still melancholy
and exaggerate
   this is getting monotonous
   as we sit at round tables
   and discuss your behavior
you lone hairless baby
shush your sickly sweet sniffles

For you to understand your self-destruction
must I demonstrate
sweet sugary ellipses
to help initiate dreaming
but what if I postpone
and begin to
talk of inanimate objects
ramble meaningless words
would you call me
as I continued
while you goodbyed
must I demonstrate
force fear upon your intestines
for your eyes to open
from your ellipse induced daze?

your stomping and shaking
cause violence in my eardrums
and riots in her ribs

but your actions go unpunished
and remain unpunished
therefore I waited
with sticky
swollen eyelids
for justice
right and truthful discipline

burden: you are
let us weigh your heavy heart

Since when has it been acceptable
to insult and torment
to label "disgusting"
and insist you hold nothing but hatred

make a mockery--
leave crying on
carpeted floors
circus fools

then to have such a sudden revelation
of the wrongs committed
and use the voice of sinners
I recognize
to act like but the best of friends
ignorant fool

We are friends
we are burdens
I’ll send her forget me nots
but at her touch they whither
she is wind
she is air
she whispers through my fingers
maybe shell visit
bearing gifts of complaints
no one cares for

but when called for
she sends tsunamis
she swaddled me with water
I initiated destruction
sweet salt
and red veins
my eyes are but an ocean
the wind has picked up
she blew out candles
despite her lapse of absence
she comes with wholesome concern
she is worth a wait
or more

I detest the sugar surprises
found only when swallowed
it tricked my tongue and burned me
whipped fire upon my buds
mislead them
but when swallowed
and the canyon of giant mounds
is scorched
a sweet tsunami arises
squints my eyes
lips aimed south
give me warmth
without the artificial sense
greens and blacks
no more fruits

A gate unlatched
enter and exit as you please
an ellipse
they repeat
each new
yet no different
but the end is known
it has not changed
I fight the jittery feelings
of new relationships
for familiarity

Let’s take on
deforestation
to get what lies in the
center of the forest.

Come on
mister
let’s see what’s in the forest
let’s play behind the trees
I’ll let you hold my hands

lets climb up in the willows
and kiss behind the curtain
lets walk farther
find a rabbit hole
undo the knots in my tree
my roots are twisted
from your hand in my hair

and soon well find a log cabin
oh I just know it
and the water will be warm
let’s turn my white dress ivory
lets go into the forest

It is pure torture
sitting in a room with hungry eyes
faces pulled tight
as they smell their food
I sit
with food grown on trees
and narrow my eyes
in despise
of pizza loving fools

I am still
in the cocoon of your
tall grass
and my fingernails stopped growing
after I chewed them off too many times
my dress keeps getting shorter
and sometimes the clouds peek at my *******

the wind has just picked up
I’m not sure if there’s a storm
because I am
face down

I heard lightning
but felt no thunder
the grass grew tall above me
taller than previous years
and though this might be a scary sight
I love those weedy willows

My head and hands
lie on different pages
the passion heated thoughts
do not reach past wrists
so icebergs
they remain
and when instructed
to complete the most
simple of tasks
they disobey
disobedient
little morons
and blame
other elements
for their underlying timidness
no wonder
they are always blushing

comparable to a parasite
but with a higher mortality rate
it has opened its mouth
and found a way to my insides
it began to multiply
an asexual creature
and slowly I was being consumed
they nested in the linings of my stomach
giving me sudden lurches
which triggered my anxiety
then frolicked in my eyelids
irritating the iris
and I was forced to cry
then such creatures
tunneled their way back to
my flaking epidermis
and for a split second my body remained its shape
but one could soon see
I fell victim to a consumption

I would like a gap between my thighs
at least one inch
so they're small enough
to wrap your fingers around
both hands
cup them
and I want to look like a doll
small
and slim
and pale
my freckles
big eyes
long hair
do not ask me to eat
do you not notice my smaller portions
and how I walk to the fridge
then disappear
I will disappear
and bones will take my place

My favorite times with you
are spent with our lips
we stand above stove tops
and smell like smoke
politely kiss the cook
and sample
and pick
and when finished
we share body heat
with hot foods
and after we finish
we allow little time for settling stomachs
because our bodies move
in what was once a gentle touch of flesh
and as food sits in my stomach
we tumble
and breathe hot air in each other's faces
you are as rough with me
as you are with your food
but I enjoy
entering just the same

Rather than placing those
through the webs of my fingers
place them through my bare ribs
use my hipbones for leverage
this could be worthwhile
or turn me into
another common cold
but I can’t help but think
no one wants to see me naked

then I remember how you have
but not truly
bits and pieces
never the whole
and how your teeth left a permanent mark
on my chest
scratch and claw into my back
and remind me
that you still want me
be hungry
I cannot be

With wet hair
my bed was unfamiliar bed
and I sobbed the majority of the night
while all were sick around me.

and I felt alone
helpless
and wanted you to be with me
more than I ever had
to warm up the cool patches
in those sheets
and to offer your chest
as I mimicked waterfalls

I am camera shy
around you
but fearless among
others
take pictures with me
to go along with
our memories
because I want to see
what will one day leave
my brain

I surely must be that
woman you speak of
who calls herself an artist
when she is obviously not
who’s makeup is horrifying
and has an opposition to pants

when really

she makes art
which makes her an artist
and she loves the fact
that others enjoy
when she wears that makeup
because of compliments
and doesn’t wear pants
because her boyfriend likes it

so greetings
I am that woman

You're are preserved in
my thoughts of later dates
where I am fully bloomed
and independent
and you are a working man
with a steady income
I see us living together
and saving for another place
and I see spring buds
in our arms
that we created
and can now keep
and one day we will be
gray together
and your face will be scruffy
and you will not care
and I hope that I can do it again
in heaven

I lay here
barefooted
and my pants will loosen
and begin to fall off
but I am alone in this
twin
under layers
but alone
and I lay on one side
and arch my back
and pretend your arm
is slung around me
close to my *******
and you'll hug me
it’s my favorite
and were close from the most
inappropriate angles
and you'll kiss my neck
and your body heat confuses me
because you are ever so warm
then I fall asleep
and its morning

I have never learned to love so much
as I have these purple fins
and whether they are
wide spread and masculine
or shriveled as they are
he is too perfect
and I may not touch him
as I would another
I feel him swim in the back of my eyes
and the back of my heart
and he snuggles his head between rocks
and recognizes my faces
and dances with adrenaline
and I have never loved
any fins more

For months you fed me
and I rejected
until I finally shriveled
and was left to die.
but in that state
I understood
and took in your offerings
and now may grow
and we may be parallel
   because now that I understand
   and don't mind occasional
   brushes with wind.

we can share pollen

with red ribbon around your finger
you are a man missing half a body.
but a man so perfect
with his other half next to him
with the other half of ribbon.

but who could have created a man
so perfect
but a higher power.
and you have inspired me
to talk to God.

sit next to me on wooden benches
and listen to sweet sermons.
hold my hand now
but tighter in prayer.
because I feel closer to God
than I ever have before.
and though I know not of Heaven
I know your faith is true.

and every night I lay still
and pray so gratefully
because God has not cut our red ribbon
and has given me one like you
to forever hold on to

tell me love confessions
of how you miss me
and love me
and are doubtless
then your words
materialize
a sugarless sweet
calorie free taste
and there is but no
sweeter satisfaction

I wish for your rays to extend past me
to darken my surface
and warm my core
you are bright
the color of awakenings.
you are my sun.

blow debris around me
cocoon me with your breath
make me move in your
directions
because you are unseen like ghosts
and stronger than gods
you are my winds.

We are planted together
roots underground
intertwined.

we share water
and you so generously
shade me with your leaves.

and even in the summer’s heat
when I am beneath you for shade
I wish to be closer

and even in the winters edge
when you are bare and I am gone
I wish to be closer

and though our roots wrap among each other
and you taste but sweet nectar
I wish to be closer

but this feeling
is unreachable
unless I grew inside you

With little feet
I scurry up your leg
a noble ascension
and fly over your groin.
my feet patter on your stomach
my presence remains unacknowledged
because you are far in your dreams
and  my small body makes no sort of an impact

I wish to climb to your face
and gaze
but I will do of no such thing
because I have found warmth by your heartbeat
and I curl myself atop it
and though it is unsteady
it assures me you are alive
and this has become my favourite of spots
I cannot drown in the waves of your chest
and finally
I am not fearful of swimming

My garden
a city
surrounded by water
ridden with smog
and to you
my love
I open my gates
and you may tour
my many attractions
but if you ask
to enter my buildings
your access
is denied

Do not struggle, my love
the others have led you to quicksand
the more you stress
the faster you descend
slow down
and enjoy your remaining time

she is so loved
by those whom see her as sunshine
and smiles
a rose colored woman
so mature for her age
and with stability on her
shoulders
and motivation on her
back
one who is oh so
lucky
and she is ever so
blessed

with thorns I lash.
I tear into your weakness
use your voice against you
but with your eyes
you unfold my petals too easily
and you seemingly know my anatomy
with a sense unlike others

and with those eyes you pick me from the ground
and rapidly I deteriorate
because I meant not what I said

then one by one
my petals fall of
and am left with but a stem
but despite the lack of petals
my thorns remain in place