I'm no melancholy beauty
I am not a gypsy queen
I'm young and troubled but
I refuse to let you see me and
I suppose to you it may seem
I'm living the way I should
I follow the paths I paved and
I can't easily change my mind
I'll never let you see me sway but
I am forever hoping and fearing
I will let the truth I've hid slip
I usually come to blows when
I most need arms to hold me
I sometimes think its strange that
I'll always be on my own but
I try not to pause in my smiles
I don't know it now but
I think maybe one day
I'll find peace with you and
I

Wood stains and carpet burns
little miscalculations in the curve of my lips
spun plastics and scentless dyed pine
false communications and misinterpretations
my bruised eyes carry images of my own ancient horrors that must pass
as easily as an assembly line to your chronic melancholic sight
the burn of ancestral blood lining my gums was temporary
now my shelves are lined with books whose words must look like hieroglyphs to you
some truth is found between the curl of my roman toes and the fibers of linoleum carpet
the warped wooden shelves can't recall the grain under every layer colored new
and the carpet was never anything but manufactured tenderness
don't look to my books for some insight you will find none
unless instead you run your finger along
the blemishes that line my cheeks and conceal words
unspoken from ancient wounds healed but not forgotten.

If you're wondering
What I think of you

I don't.

There is a river
That runs
From here
To the end of time

I am just
A current-fighting fish
Looking for a way
Around the rapids
Of any given day

Waterfalls of love and pain
Frighten the small
When I find them
I hope I'll find
The strength to be tall

Laughter rings from another room.
I wish to be alone.
Still they laugh.
Scream and giggle, jabber and jibe they are incessant.
Life is high, life is happy, for them, but they do not know it.
Party-goers at a day old rave they giggle, blind to catastrophe.
I wish to be alone because I can see, my eyes maintain where theirs have failed.
I have no illusions, no fallacy.
I am balanced, pure, time and again I reach to help, heal, my blind.
I wish to be alone because I am not the cure.
It drives me mad and still they snicker, content in blessed ignorance.
Here they leave me wise and bitter.
I wish to be alone.

I love you,
But
You scare the **** out of me
Sometimes.

I hope you know that.

Things that
~
{a dented brass thimble}
~
Mean so little
To us
~
{a broken shard of sea shell}
~
Mean so much more
To those who
~
{a rusted and splintery shovel}
~
Mean the most
To us
~
{a hand-written grocery list}
~

White light like ice without the cold
sun going down, down
down
on uncanny land
mine is not kin
but I remember lavender through glass
snow I let burn a slow
slow burn
frozen flowers I thought would last
and fear like slow
blooming frostbite
born in my belly
bred in white, white
sunlight
falling now
as it was
and I was
then.

The leaves are changing, can't you see?
Each new shade turns my heart
And brings me back to the me I used to be

I miss the trees' leaves of green
Effervescent colors of life around me
The tousle of falling emerald locks
In the brief and gentle passing breeze

Evergreens and pines flourish in the chill
Beauty, I find, gives little piece of mind
When needles fall, just dreams withal

I miss the northern mountains' touch
The way the streets climb close behind
Mystery and mischief just a break-away
Yet never revealing the secret of youth's fall

Scarlett trees remind me of pain gained
From joyous memories distorted by pain
But love remains, in hues of pinkish stains

The longer I stay ...
The more I find ...
The roots
That ground me ...
Strangle me ...
... From time to time

I'm not beautiful
But neither are you
When mountains are moved
I begin to lose sight
Of all the places I want to go
You never left me lonely
I hope you never fade away
Long after I'm gone
I hope all these mountains
Will remind you to always stay
Roots and sculpted earth remain
Long after slow and steady love
Has left its faded mark on history
Silver peaks and rolling valleys
Become cool, creaking alleys
I'm leaving you bruised and beaten
I'm leaving your mountains unscathed
This is for all the lives you lead
Long after I'm gone

My head says I should be
heart-broken
My heart says I'm fine and
I don't know why
But to be honest
Even that
Is
A
Lie

Falsehoods and fantasies                                                  

~

                                                            ­                 Flirtations with romance and psychology

~

Never-ending battles with self-inclinations                                                ­                                

~

                                                        Here­’s hoping you’ll make it

~

Here’s hoping I’ll survive                                                  

~

                                                            ­      All your not-so world-weary sighs

~

Every little thing                                  

~

                                                      You never thought to bring

~

And all the little pieces                                                

~

      ­                                           You’d never leave behind

~

Will find you, one day lost in your mind                                                             ­           

~

                                                 ­         Sometimes madness ravages

~

Carrying and clawing ****** ties                                                             ­   

~

                                                         ­               But ours is more substance, less wave

~

Poets and martyrs and murderers and mystics                                                          ­                            

~

                                                            ­            Dig softly at the veins of your eyes

~

Following the fortune and favoring the plain                                                            ­                          

~

                                                            ­           If you ever wanted real catastrophe

~

You’d never find it without me                                                               ­ 

~

                                                           ­  I never wanted to free my mind

~

Those things never change                                                    

~

  ­                                                                 ­                             After all its only bodies that feel the rust of chains

~

And so my madness wavers and falls to its knees                                                            ­                                    

~

                        ­                                                          No man ever married Christened chastity

~

Without the fleeting hearts of broken wings                                                            ­                        

~

                                                    Let me cling or let me go

~

Madness in red is nothing if not me

~

She didn't know when Mary Poppins flew in
She didn't know the world was falling down
didn't know the roof was caving in
and the walls leaked
and the floor creaked
the first stair was gone

She didn't know Mary Poppins was hers
She didn't know Mary was her mother's
didn't know Mary was her grandmother's
and she didn't know Mary
and Mary is hers
Mary is mine too

She didn't know Mary Poppins meant the end
She didn't know Mary meant one less
didn't know Mary wasn't real
and Mary couldn't fix all this
and Mary would go away
mothers could too

Frogs fall
From far below
Little limbs
Spasm --gasm
Into the crystal sky
I have seen
And once
Lived inside
A juniper tree
Thorny sprites
Poke and ****
Never thought
I'd see the spiders
Help and hurt
Eat me out
My escape
I hate your
**** rodent
Dreaming of
My **** parade
You don't know
A **** thing now
I could've said
Something much
Much different
I've got the chance
To lose my way
Contented to sit
And sit inside
My cave

Alone
Together
Need
Losing grip
Dire
Compassion
I care
Live
Alone

And I just realized
I'm still hanging on
By more than a thread
A little less than a rope
Tethers me to you
My mind whispers let go
My beating heart says
I'd rather not know
What's it like to lose you
To find yourself lost
When groping for hope
But still it skips a beat
When you're in the room
You see me near
I know you'd say yes
If I'd only relent
But I won't do it
Not just yet

I wonder who you'd be
Without your misery
You say you want a better life
Reaching for a happier day
But will it leave you with less to say?
Who you are and who you want to be
Are separated only by your plight
What becomes of a soldier after the fight?

Tearless you, when it rains
Can't let go of your pains
Falling hopeless, you won't change
Beneath your fear you are curled
I wonder what you'd ask of the world
After you'd had freedom from your chains
Would life be the same with no one to blame?
Or would you crack without a cursed name?

Bliss should help you to soar
Could you even tell anymore
What it is to be happy?
Yet laughter frequents your face
Has your heart ever truly left that place?
Where did you hide the key to that locked door?
Lost in the darkness of your misery?
Why is your own happiness so hard to see?

My mind is racing. Chasing. Something. Strong. Its pulling me back. Pulling me in. Pushing away. Thoughts of another day. Don't drift. Far. Away. Escape. Reshape. Beyond. Space. Creeping. Crawling. Silver sky. Screen. Falling. Soaring. Flickering winds biting. Fall leaves. Autumn stalling. Time is growling. Meowing cats. Crazed dogs. Drooling. Pooling. Swimming. Dripping. I want to go skinny dipping. Laughing. Giggling. Kissing. Take me dancing. In a field. On a starry evening. All alone. Forget the cold. Nevermind a mother's scold. She's not near. Have no fear. Find a light. My fire. Wishing. missing. Hoping. Moping. Sighing. Winter's crying. Shiver. Quiver.
No more good-bye-ing.
Satisfying.

Lullabies eating me
alive
like I'd never heard them before.

Would I ask or would I say,
I grew up
in this self-deprecating way.

Privilege had its folly and I'd like to think
much of the fault I took
was not my own, but at best that's
a privilege
no man could truly own.

Catch me with my pants down,
catch me with my hands
******.

****** may be
the only thing
that takes the merit from embarrassment
the way I turn men to stone.

I hear lullabies like battery acid dripping
into the ground
and I'm cold-starting again.

I no longer care that its all that bad
to destroy
what I could otherwise create.