There is a pile of chopped up birch tree
That's death too
Even if no one notices

There is a brown maple leaf in the intersection
That's death too
Even if no one pauses to let it pass

There's a worm dried up on the side walk
That's death too
Even if everyone stomps on it

There's a quiet lady who's never lived alone
That's death too
Even if they all mourn when she goes

Sometimes when I am driving I pretend they are after me.
Anyone going the opposite direction is an innocent, oblivious passer-by; they can't know that I’m on the run. It would foil the plan. Those behind me are the enemy. They hope to quietly apprehend me before I reach the state line. I floor it going uphill. I turn the corner at the stop sign. For a moment I've lost them, out of view. I slow a bit, enjoying the few seconds of a victory drive. Then, suddenly, there! In my rear view mirror there's another one! I reach over and turn up the radio, just a notch, and smile. I am Bonnie minus Clyde.
And they are never going to catch me.

Fizzle out
Feign it
You're in
Wish you
The very best
In the club of lonely children
Don't you wish
You could've seen
The billboards of the long highway
Flouting your fancies
Forgetting every noisy minute
That soon you'd resent
The loss of the signs
You didn't see along the way
You brought you
To this filthy new start
The very best
Wish you'd
Feign it
I am
In too
Fizzle out

I've left a little running room
A little space between here and there
Guess I'm always on my way out the door
Never wanted it any other way
Never wondered what happened
I knew the moment I let it all go to waste
Given up, given in, moving on
Or whatever you will
I can't put you back together
It's you who always made me pull apart
Every time one more twist in my arm
I've seen stars go on much longer than I could
Peaceful pleasantries, I have no modest eternity
You don't know that you don't need me
You don't know it'll all be okay
Love and like and listless nights
They all come to pass one day or never
Just the same as all we asked but never gave
I know you wanted to keep your radio just the same
But I learned a few new tunes since the song began
Even if I still sometimes hear our old band

I feel a storm in my gut
It tosses and tumbles and groans against the waves
Clouds kick and thrash without the wind
Rain thick and fierce flies up
Impossibly drawn to my voice, my foggy head
My hands tighten to hold back the thunder
And lightening, oh light stings my mouth and eyes
From icy toes a deep anger resonates
Rough soles flash fury and singe my ears
I will not be cruel, I have known heartache
What I give I have received
This rain is nothing to a crack in the sun
With my storm came hammer and chisel
And now, for what you make me break, ache
You’ve given me a dull rolling hate
Pulsing and breathless a torrent on my sea

My knuckles sting
From an icy gust of lovers lost

Calloused are my palms
That gave up their soft beauty
To a beautifully temporary green

Nails short or jagged
Sometimes they cut and bleed
A snag between your skin and mine
Not all of my ventures bring me peace

Small and stubby fingers
Thin bones just below the skin
Overused muscles and tight tendons
My hands are ugly and they often ache
They are broken --but they serve me well.

All the things we put off until tomorrow
And the worries we let linger another day
               Just the little things child, don't fret

Somewhere we each get lost along the winding way
Somehow we refuse to find the words to say
               Be still child, all troubles will pass in time

Listen and let lay, set it off for a faraway someday
But what of those things that don't fade away?
What of moments left to linger and laid to waste?
               Don't fret child, be still in times of trial

Like the rest you hold to hope that tomorrow never comes

I'm looking
for my reflection
in the shine of painted
crosswalk lines
and with every
changing
glow of the stoplight
my hope is growing
weary. I'm not
giving in
but I swear to you
New York is not the only place they
rebel
against the flash of a lighted
hand.
I was built to find
and call
a far more unconventional
place home
but until I finally have the chance
to run across this
reckless street
I'll try to find
something worthwhile
in what's left of these
plastic
paint lines.

There's a boy in my hometown
He loves me more than anyone
Said he'd wait until the end of time
But his is the love of a child' s memory
And he can't catch one wild as me
He says he just wants a simple kiss
A quiet afternoon in the same old place
And he doesn't understand why
I spend so long starring at the moon
Or why I'll always turn and run
When we talk he says he's good
And I know all he says is true
The things he says are blatant casualty
He is steadfast and I am distant
His word is honest, he smiles carefully
But I won't be rescued or protected
I know he won't stop chasing after me
And I know I break him a little more
Each time I reach out to lock the door
But I can't help if I don't feel
Everything he swears is real
I can make him smile if I look too long
My words can hurt and heal, I know
He is young in so much younger than I
But I am long gone much too high
And all the things I crave fall to me
When I am alone and untamed
In that moment he can't see in me
Where reality collapses on fantasy
I leave him his bewildered smile
My head and heart run far and further
It's everything I ever wanted
But it's everything I want alone
So I smile and again I'll leave him
To the innocent love he'll give
There's a boy in my hometown
Who loves me longer still
After I've secretly found the freedom
He never thought was worth finding
All this he can't see inside of me

Can you see me?
Gazing up from the ground?
I'm still breathing.
Every breath is harder.
Than the last.
But I'm not stopping now.
Not anytime soon.
My hope is louder.
Than the blows you throw.
A heart can fracture.
It can even break.
But breath keeps breathing.
Long enough to heal.

If I could tell you anything
I'd say call me
Let me take your hand
When things go wrong
Smile for the good days
Long gone now
Like a dandilion in the grass
I'll be there
To brighten the day
I hope you will always see
The luck in a lost penny
Like me

If you kissed me now, I'd kiss you back.
Run my teeth across your lip.
Maybe let a little taste slip.
I'd pull my fingers through your hair.
In the silk of my back you'd find your grip.
Down we'd go into the peace.
When we're done, there will be nothing.
Nothing but the broken and bittersweet.
But now I won't think.
Now I need arms and lips and more.
I want everything I don't know.
I'll push my hands up your chest.
I've buried my soiled soul.
Here's the grave I'd lay in with you.
A feather-down headstone.
And linen caskets carry us on.
If I kissed you now, I would breakdown.
Run a blade across your hip.
Maybe let a little vengeance slip.
You'd pull your blade; we'd stop and stare.
In the leather of our skin blood would drip.
Down we'd go; into pieces.

Banjos and vagabond songs
these are your heroes
I don't think you're wrong
but Neil Young doesn't know ****
about the weight of a heart of gold
I wish I could see it all
in that backwards view
of a freight train flying by
and I wouldn't mind
you by my side
like Janis and her romanticized McGee
but I've never been anywhere
longer than a few days
worth mentioning and I'm
covered in spider bites
from the dust and courage
of un-making my bed again
the ache of a blue-collar soul
song never caressed my ear the wrong way
I've got vagabond dreams
but too much of a rebel soul to go
with the flow of whiskey rivers
where flasks don't refill
I meant well but the dog bit back
too bad I still have trouble with
feral friends not ready for saving
cities build you up or down
you're either made
a liar or an idealist
always a cynic either way
you've been thinking
but I've been Janis too long
to think I might have won
I'm starting to believe a heart
of gold needs love
a little tarnished but Neil Young
was wrong
it's the expressions you give
not the mining you did
that remind me
these stale-dust spider bites
don't make a heart any
less gold.

This is no far-fetched fantasy
There is no loop this is incendiary
Every battle is just one more
Without ever going to war
Here’s the door if you want it
It’s the only way out of insanity
But there you go caring again
There you go, never letting it go
If you hadn’t seen it you never would
But there it was and there it goes
A disappearing hearse rings destiny
So here you’ll stay with fear
Here you will live with sickening
Hate, Pity, Jealousy, Pride,
And self-deprecating Insufficiency
*You can’t be everything to everyone
You can’t save them all this time around
You can’t prevent all their catastrophes
You can’t help if they don’t help themselves
You can’t hold them quietly for eternity
You can’t . . . You can’t . . . You can’t . . .
You can’t . . . You can’t . . .
You can’t . . .

I haven't got anything left
Nothing left to change me
No one left to change my mind
I'm sorry if you're still hoping
But I haven't got the time
It's all alright, it'll all be alright
If not now then before long
Everything will fall together
Everyone finds their way in time
This is us smiling even when we cry
Willing each other back and away
To who were and what we want
I haven't got even one inch left
To remake the choices I made
We've never been so scared
Living apart from each other's eyes
I made the right choice and so did you
I promise, no matter what we find
We'll be the bravest there's ever been

Objects in mirror . . .


                                        Look like the playthings of my past

                                        As they stand a little smaller than I recall

                                        They're the candles that left their scars

                                        When they branded me their soft memory

                                        They became hastily written notes on hand

                                        And long battered clothes I threw away

                                        That haunted my flourishing faltering ways

                                        Every one a sweet and long forgotten drop

                                        Swallowed in a stubborn summer fade

                                        I waited for the chance to come and go

                                        So I could watch each and every one erase

                                        But now I find my waving good-byes


                                                     ­                                                              . . . Are closer than they appear

Pain escapes his eyes and stains his cheeks
Does she know what she's causing by fighting the end?
Doctor smiles wide to shake my hand
I hate that I feel rude not smiling back
He asks again how long (not long now)
There is a dusty cobweb on the ceiling
I've never noticed it before, must've always been there
Nurse fidgets with some papers and bottles
Questions asked, doctor jokes and laughs too loud
Irrational voice in my head hates her
One room dying, another crying, in a heavy house
Thick and tired air between us and he is falling into it
Only seen him cry three times
Once for fate
Once for her
Now for himself

         I never realized how bad the front door sticks
                   Must've always used the back

Like whispers on the quickening wind
Fire burning through brush-untouched
A moment gained is a moment lost
Some loves deepen and some escape
But from here on out I'll try not to take
Trust given I hope won't be trust lost
It's a petty window that won't keep shut
And a foolish child who lack shame
Everything that evades, remains
Good intentions never last for long
Reason refuses to stay in sight
All the things I hoped for never could stay
I wouldn't ask for very much
An hour or maybe one long day
Without the traumas of some inevitable day
A day when a moment gained is never lost

You would've been perfect
If you'd have come along
Before I changed my mind

We could've been perfect
If you had been there
Before I made my plans

I should've been perfect
If I hadn't seen the road
Before you came along

Rocky and blanched as they are
These mountains are mine

They are not evergreen
But they do see sun and snow

Tufts of flowers and snake's tombs
Paint their sides

Winds and rains bruise their peaks
And beat their sides

But deep in their valley
They protect my heart

So next time you glance
Please remember

These mountains are mine

Its more like crashing than any other feeling I've known; to be somewhere you've been before and knowing all too well the familiar sound of screeching tires headed for this cinder block these unstoppable things will come my way again. I know that helplessness tastes of bile and blood close but not yet on its way up. In my car I listen to jazz as much as the blues and most days I don't mind that I can't always tell the difference. Just so long as the music keeps my mind from replaying the sounds of glass and steel and cinders crashing down.

I am made of something malleable
A painted earthen sort of softness
And I can push my pulses
With the warmth and pressure of my thumb
You'll see me differently than I choose to be
For someone else but in this small way
I'll revel in knowing beyond all else
I remain the very best at allowing you
To keep the memory of a mystery
Hidden in the sun-shattered way
I've chosen to let you see me

Caught on the threshold
             Of freedom and fire
                        Holding to the hinges
                                Of not yet fallen plans
                                      Please don’t let the sea wash away
                                             Everything I have left to say
                                                   Looking for the sun
                                                        On a moonless night
                                                           ­  Seeing the stars
                                                           ­     And knowing mine’s there
                                                           ­        Separated by the fear
                                                            ­          That morning won’t come
                                                            ­       Balancing on broken ground
                                                          ­      Glancing back without a sound
                                                           ­  It’s a little hazy up the way
                                                        But sand and stone don’t stop
                                                  My unfolding, unwinding starlit path
                                             The steps back are easier than forward
                                      Steely heart and day-made dreams
                                  Of gold and tarnished silver
                              Help to hope my star like step-stones
                                   Will give me the first stride
                                                                                                                                        Beyond the celestial doorway

The door's wide open
               Why don't you come inside?
                              come inside?
Here lies happiness
And all you desire
I desire
Day's end
Now is its twin
It beckons
I beckon
                    Won't you come inside?
                              come inside?
Sitting pretty
Head on a silver platter
There is a tragedy
None to hold near
Unless you come in here
You cannot hide
I see you now
                    Will you come with me?
                              come inside?
All that stands in our way
The air in the open doorway
Fingers black, oh, so cold
Snow and ice dark as night
Look up, up at me
I wait quiet as can be
A frosted empty glass
Begging, fill me
                    Can't you come here, to me?
                               come inside?
                               come inside?
No longer, longer will I fight
                               come inside?
                               come inside?
The door is
                               --come inside?
                               come inside?
Wide open.

You make it hard not to love you.
You sit alone when I want to see you smile.
Yet you know when to hold me just a little bit longer.
Some days you scare me more than I can say.
But when I'm not near you.
I can't stay away.
And just when I think I've let you go.
You say something that lifts me off my feet.
Underneath it all
All you want is to be saved.
Somehow all I want is to save you too
But you won't let me.
So I let love fade.

I'm missing the heart beat
Of someone tonight
But he's long gone now

I'm wishing I fell asleep
On his shoulder
And he never knew

I'm hoping I'll find that
Simple feeling again
Even if I have to wait

I'm breaking, or very nearly so
Because I know someone else
Is missing me

He's missing my smile
And the love I couldn't give
But I'm longer gone

And he'll never know
I'm longer gone now
Than I've ever been

Here it is and there it goes
Like sand through my fingers it slides
Smooth and untouchable gleaming
A flickering flame it leaps
In and out of my grasp
One blink and its gone away
Until I wonder if it ever was
Then it lands subtle as a butterfly
On my open palm

You are not a desert rose but a three-headed spike --the reason
for the pinholes in my shoes You are not a soaring
beauty --so many of the souls who call
you home are gnarled and cruel
You are frigid and the vicious
guardians of your sky scream
****** when I walk by You did
not always welcome me despite
the lover's whispers you blew my way
You are merciless --insatiable in how you
thicken my skin with the grit I gnaw
in my teeth You are not a peaceful
sun but a chaotic creator --anarchist
god You are the companion I so dearly miss

I was but a child
desperately trying
to teach a child
to be a child.

An angry sun setting
Once saw me smile
And burned a blue hole
In my every sight
And every now and again
I find myself wishing
I could smolder too

Trees often elude me
When I most want to hear
The sway of branches
And the grace of leaves

Concrete is most cracked
When I crave something
Solid under unsteady feet

And some electric nights
My moons are serene
But mostly the little stars
Remain unspoken and unseen

Closing my worn and wary eyes
Makes it hard to feel
Dew and troubles anew
But even then I can find
That little blue hole
Pulsing fiercely in time
With the back of my mind