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Adrienne Toles Apr 2017
One day I sat in bed and I wrote a note
It was about a boy, I think
He had blue eyes
And I would follow them anywhere
But he confused me and told me love was evil
but that evil was beauty  
And if I loved then whatever happened would be okay.
But then he stole my soul and I thought that I should be heartbroken
"But if you love me its okay,” he’d whisper through my tears
So I quieted my thoughts and said okay.

10 months later I sat alone on my bathroom floor
My blue eyed boy was gone
He left me covered in bruises
And filled my head with false thoughts of love
And fresh feelings of self hate
But if I loved him it was okay.

About a year ago from today
You’d think all the feelings would’ve disappeared
Because 2 years from then
Was when the blue eyed boy went away.
I sat in bed and thought of a note.
But this time it was about myself.
And everything I could think of that was wrong with me
From my eyes, to my skin, to the way I breathe.

But I was too scared to write this note
Because I couldn’t believe what I felt was true
So I swallowed a pill to help with the pain in my heart and I kept going just living
But the pain wouldn’t stop,
It came in tidal waves pouring out of me in streams of tears
So I took another pill to help with the pain,
And another..
And another.

But then there was nothing— not even a beat

And then there was something— doctors and lights

So then there was everything— all at once and I was back

So here I am,
Feelings pouring out of my fingertips because
I’ve learned to keep my tears at bay.
I’m sad,
I know it
But I truly don’t know why and my feelings won’t go away,

On this day I sat in class and wrote a note,
That started with a murderer
And ended with a living dead girl.

Today I wrote a note,
Just to try to see if I’ve ever been okay.
Adrienne Toles Apr 2017
Do you smell it?
The way my skin burns underneath your touch?
Can you see how every bit of the sin you call love eats away at me and leaves **** little scars?
Because you swore you would sweep me off my feet but now you have broken them and I can’t get away.
Because you swore our love would be forever and I loved how it felt to be loved
But I’m scared and I’m held down by the shackles you call love.

You’re like oxygen and I need you to live and every inch of my body thrives when I have you
But sweetheart you must the oxygen pulled through the cigarette between my fingers because you poison me.

Do you hear that?
The way the world shatters and puts itself back together every time my heart breaks
Every time my tears fall
Every time I break.

Do you feel that?!
Because you say I’m your better half and that our love makes us one
but you don’t feel the amount of torment and fear and pain that comes from our
“love.”

So tell me, love of my life—
The light in my dark, please tell me—
My hope in a world of despair, tell ME
Why do you touch me and leave bruises on my skin rather than butterflies in my stomach?
Why do you breathe the same air but leave none for me to breathe myself?
Why am I expected to evolve and live off of the toxic waste u emit?

Please tell me something because I’m looking at you the same I do every morning and questioning why I am supposed to love you and why we are forever.
Because every time I stare at you, you just stare back.
And your lips move in time with mine but there’s never an answer.
Never a sound.
Never a response.

Because the mirror shows who I’m supposed to love with all of me and never any less.
But tell me, love of my life—
Light in my dark—
Hope in my world of despair—
Why do I keep trying to love you when you’re nothing more than a reflection of my own destruction.

— The End —