Tears fall
running down my cheeks
dripping off of my chin
onto the notebook.
Inside my notebook
I write,
"Dear Teds"
I scratch that out.
"Dear Theo"
that is scratched out too.
"My love"
I write,
the tears come quicker.
"My love"
I break down.
"There is no easy way
to tell you this"
my tears have blurred my sight,
what I write is through a haze.
"we just can't go on"
My chest is closed,
there is no air for me to breathe.
"But I can't do this to you,
I can never be
who you need me to be.
I can never love you
the way you need to be.
I can never be
the perfect person
you deserve.
I cannot sleep
or breathe
or function,
knowing that you suffer
and all because of me.
You need to go.
To move on.
Please go,
I'm setting you free.
Please believe me,
not you,
it really is me.
I love you,
I always will.
I miss you already,
too much to put into words,
Don't forget me my love,
but please don't try
to wait for me anymore.
I'm not worth it.
Find another who is worth it,
one who will love you
and hold you
and keep you safe.
No matter what.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
I'm letting you go."
My tears have run their course,
I have my letter,
I type it up,
and
I
press
SEND.
MESSAGE SENT
MESSAGE DELIVERED
READ
...............
................
.................­..........
Teddy has left the chat.

No one
around
darkness
pressing in.
No voices,
no sounds,
just the heavy silence.
No talking,
no laughing,
no elephant feet on the stairs.
No welcome home
No "I missed you"
No hugs
No kisses
No smiles just for you.
No love
No companionship
No one
Walking through an empty house
with empty walls
and empty rooms.
Shadows cast on the walls
from my body
and only mine.
Curled up on the floor,
tears streaming down my face
trying to hold myself together
before I fall apart
Dark hearts
dark minds
dark thoughts
swirl through the house.
You never should have left
you know how you're like
and only when you're....

I cannot sleep
through the night.
I cannot breathe
from the pressure I feel.
I cannot eat
I've lost all taste.
I cannot see
the hallucinations are taking over.
I cannot function.
I just need to
stop.

But I can't.
I need to push,
to live up
to the impossible expectations.
To look perfect
and put together
for everyone.

Nothing bothers you.
Answer with,
"I'm okay."
But you're not.
They tell you,
"You're so smart."
Even when my grades are dropping
faster than I can move
to stop them.
"You're so strong."
But what they don't know,
is that I'm breaking inside.

You just can't see it.
I've learned to hide
who I am,
how I'm feeling.
I learned to appear
perfect
even when
I'm crashing
behind my perfect mask.

I'm falling behind,
and I'm so lost
and so far.
I don't know
who I am anymore.

My head is screaming
in pain
and with words.
It hurts
from what
I'm screaming inside.

I'm stressed,
I'm hurting,
I'm sad,
and I hate myself.
I'm not the perfect girl
that I'm expected to be.

Stop telling me
I'm better
and I'm smarter
than this
when I'm already pushing past my limits.
Stop telling me
I'm a mess up,
a ***** up,
a bad daughter,
sister,
friend.

Just stop.
Please.
You're just killing
and by now
I'm almost
dead.

And when you ask
if I'm "okay"
what does that even mean?
What would be the definition of
"Okay"
in this messed up,
awful, world we live in.

So no,
I am not "okay"
but at least I'm still alive.
I'm still moving.
I'm trying not to stop.
If I do
I know
that will be the end
of the awful human being
that is me.

"I love you."
he whispers.
My heart is fluttering in my chest
like a billion butterflies
are loose and stuck inside.
"I love you too."
My foolish young heart answers.
Months pass.
My first kiss stolen
by one who doesn't deserve it.
He touches me
in ways he should never
have been allowed.
But if I left him alone
he would "**** himself."
I couldn't let that happen.
It would be my fault.
Plus I loved him,
right?
Hands in my hair
sliding on my skin
up my shirt
down below.
"No one can know."
I let him control me
overtake me
then hurt me.
Over and over again.
I was empty.
"Leave him"
"He doesn't deserve you"
"Look what he's doing to you"
"Leave me alone, you don't understand"
Seconds, minutes, hours, days
Then months and finally a year passes by.
I know I should leave him,
but I love him,
right?
"You need to stop."
So I do
"I'll die without you"
His last words haunt me,
but I knew they were lies
crafted to poison my mind.
I turned my back
and I walked away.
Now seconds, minutes, hours, days
then months and now a year has passed
and I am okay.
I am alive.
I am still hurt and afraid to let myself think
of trying to love again
to trust again,
but I'm moving on.
I will make it.
I am tough.
I am strong.
I am me.
I am free.

I'm in love
Or am I?
Holding hands and stolen kisses.
Snuggles and hands in hair with skin on skin.
Gentle and lovely.
Urgent or patient.
"Falling in love" is never true
It's more of "Falling in like"
I don't need these things
to be in love.
To be in love
I only need you;
and no matter what,
I will work and I will try to always be there.
No matter what, I will be there and I will stay.
No matter what.
I am in love
and not just in like.

Dear Younger Me,
you are going to love and love often.
But do not give yourself away to boys
who do not care.
Younger me,
please listen
stolen kisses in a hallway while whispers of
"I love you"
are sent back in forth is not love.
Love is not the same as lust.
When he touches you
and you feel uncomfortable
tell him no.
Pull away.
Your discomfort to make him happy
is not love.
When he tries to touch you
when you already told him to stop you run.
Run like hell.
Don't look back.
Younger me,
you are not some prize to be won.
You are not some toy for him to play with
and leave you cast away
like some forgotten childhood toy.
You are not some object
with which he can do whatever he wants.
Dear younger me,
When he says
"I love you"
only when you are letting him control you, is not love.
Love is being patient. Love is waiting.
Love is only touching you with your permission.
Love is only touching him with his.
It goes both ways.
Love is work. Love is hard.
But love is worth it.
Do not search for love in all the wrong places.
Love is patient,
so wait.

My head
Filled with pain
Of many types
Lost loved ones
Stress of life
And the headaches
The daily headaches
That haunt you
The pain rocketing through
Every fiber of your being
Explosions of pain
Leaving you gasping on the floor
Wanting everything to just
Stop
For one moment
For life to hit the pause button
To have just one breath
Free of stress, pain, and depression
Hovering over you like a dark cloud
Reaching its cold hands
Freezing you where you stand
And leaving you
Wishing you were dead
Instead of dealing with this agony
Of this game we call life
And this disease
The doctors call incurable