It was bad.
I kept dreaming up realities—

one
where we swam in our spandex
after running
and you kissed me on the mouth.

two
where we laid side by side
in the bed of your old truck
and i showed you constellations
and told you each
and every story
that belonged to them.

three
where you held onto me
and your face was buried into my neck
as the tears flowed
from your swampy eyes.

each dream i dream of you
is a waste of energy.

you will never be mine.

In between the time
from when I get to my car and turn it on—
you're there.
nestled in my brain space.
between all the seconds and minutes
of my day.

you tango with thoughts of him,
i'd say it's a battle.
in between the two of you,
there is me.

this isn't a fight,
but my soul is racked with something
something i cannot name
something i've never known.

in between these fleeting thoughts
i see your faces flash
brown eyes and then blue.
one fighting to stay and threaten the other
to leave.

nothing goes.
your faces mold into
someone i do not know
and the confusion grows.

in between these spaces
are unpredictable thoughts
and feelings
i don't share.
(you linger there.)

i still remember the smell of you,
and the way you kissed me
one last time.

i find myself wishing i could open up
and cry to someone
(someone meaning you)
but you aren't here
and i'm left trying to find words
to describe these musings
in between seconds
to strangers.

Take me to the sea
when the rivers run dry.
Sit on the sand
and make our getaway:
a castle with assortments of shells.

The ocean is quick to take away
what it has given us.

Take me to the sea
and kiss me on the mouth.
Take me home.
(which is wherever you are
and you are very far from me.)

I sit on the beach,
the grains of sand caressing my skin,
hearing the ocean clap onto the shore–
It's my applause.

The sun kisses my face.
I close my eyes tightly,
feeling your hand on my cheek,
pressing my face to yours.
I smell the sunshine on your neck
and your saltwater sweat.

I am dreaming desperately
to find a piece of you that will linger
long enough to fool me.

I lay in the ocean,
the waves lapping at my body
all which are miniature kisses
sent from you.

I want to find words
to write about you
in the friendliest way possible.

I've never cared this much.
You're like my brother.
All i want to do is see you happy
and listen to your problems
as the pitter-pattering of rain
taps on the metal of your truck.

It all makes sense now:
you are my spirit brother.
I have taken up the task as sister.
Counselor.

My heart doesn't squirm for you
in nervousness.
Your last minute poem was a pep talk-
one i never got from my brother.

I care about you in a funny way
that i've never cared about anyone before.

There is an odd sense of healing
listening to the groans of your truck
and hearing your voice.
Inquiring about my problems
with a curiousness i have never known.

I knew there was always something different in the way you treated me.
Like i was an outsider,
Walls were miles high.

I had been grafted onto your family tree and you did not like it.
From my pale skin, to blue eyes,
I stole your spotlight:
Without even asking for it.

I befriended your brothers
And i love one.
You are angry and controlling
And where they found fighting in you,
They left it for my peace and friendship.
You did not like this either.

And so you began to grow:
Burying yourself with an envious green moss overriding your whole being.
You never learned how to bask in the joy of others.
You only ever tore it down.

There was a 30 year old man with two daughters.
You pretended to love him because you wanted to feel special.
You stayed because someone once told you both that it was ironic that your names were fighting countries.
Although, Syria and Israel never did get along.
You broke apart
And instead of being happy because others were happy:
You demanded the separation of your brother and i.
In which your mother replied:
"no."
You did not like this either.

To make matters worse,
We became countries at war.
I had never asked for it:
You thought building a berlin wall between your brother and i would change everything.
Even how you felt about yourself.
I am here to tell you it didn't.

I almost lost hope.
You almost won.
But i saw you through the curtains.
I saw the strings on your hands and the puppets of your family dangling from them.
You cannot control them anymore.
They are souls with a divine purpose that does not include you designing their destiny.

I know how to fight my battles.
I have fought with things much more dark and difficult than you and your leaf greens.
I have seen death and I am not afraid.
You think you have the reins of the horse,
You think you're winning this battle.
Unless you have danced with death, you will not have known victory.

We created the universe together,
Dancing through the sky like stars.
There was a music in your soul
That sang to me.

Love is a duet and only true harmony occurs when you find the one.

There is good in every goodbye
that travels from your lips to mine.
An indirect kiss,
Telling me through the cracks
That everything will be alright
to hold on tight to the delicate memories and never let them go.

I can feel your presence with me.
You aren't dead, but you are absent.
You are a living memory in the back of my brain
reminding me
That an ending is the start of a new beginning
and there is good to be found in every goodbye.

Black velvety water ripples,
carrying diamonds on its back.
I'm afraid of the dark.
Although,
You are the only monster
In this figure of the ocean.

We travel amongst the stars,
It feels like we're dying
Reuniting with the universe:
Our dear old mother,
Who gave birth to our fluttering souls.

I always dreamt of drowning.
Through the dark oceans of life,
You were the raft that tugged me back to shore.

You may have been the oceans once,
And the water in my lungs,
But you were the lifeboat
As well as the lighthouse:
Guiding me home to you.
Guiding me home

to you.