admittedly,
i have wandering eyes
and a mouth that had kissed
too many hands goodbye
and for a while
i've gotten used to dry spells
and disenchanting love affairs that
has left me coughing black and blue dust

yet my loneliness craves the warmth
my cold bones can't provide
but i run away with heightened wariness
at any chance to defrost

i’m going to hold on
to the belief that you and i
met under the disapproval
of fate because our paths
were not supposed to cross just yet
with hearts winning over logic
and with mouths driving us over the edge
both of us were two young
angst-ridden teens trying to understand
what we cannot, what we should not
and our story ended with a semi-colon
—you and i will always be an
unfinished sentence

but maybe we can meet again
and maybe time and distance will
no longer  be the villain of our tale,
when both of us are not in distress
and none of us are in need of saving,
when we’re both the wholesome
versions of ourselves with hearts
that aren’t broken in half nor with
minds fooling us to believe we’re broken

we’ll be able to stand on our own
separate grounds
but with our hands intertwined
like the stars had written and intended for us  

i’ll wait for that day
and if we’re not lucky enough
then i’ll wait till the next lifetime.

you and i,
we’ll be okay.

i've tore through my cocoon with
urgency to change because i didn't like dangling under pressure and have expectations
poking, ripping, stabbing
me open
so it wasn't long
before the wings on my back
had spread and learned how to fly

but no one had warned me
that by taking flight, now i have
to worry about treacherous winds
and betraying storm clouds, too

i panic a lot.

for me, life has served nothing but anxieties in the form of a single phonecall, speaking up, ordering food, deadlines, crowded places, traveling, etc.. my heart hammers against my chest in hazardous rhythm of messy drumbeats over the simplest, everyday things. but nothing scares me more than the future.

i am terrified of thinking about what lies ahead of me. the inevitable stress, worries and insecurities that ties with growing up leaves me with nothing but quickened breaths, trembling fingers i hide under tables, and a mind that screams just breathe, just breathe--and it's not silly than it is disheartening that i can only imagine the worst, a flaw i've been working to get rid of.

i'm turning eighteen. and this ******* scares me.
i wish i was excited to grow up. i wish i can say i am ready. i wish i was one of those people who can throw all caution to the wind. but i'm not, i'm never ready, and i just can't. not just yet.

but i did enjoy being seventeen. it's without a doubt my favorite age. i got better. i've learned to love myself, fully and unconditionally. i've loved better, more openly, more vocally. i've seen the glass half-empty and i've seen it half-full. i fell in love with the life i have withered in the soil for.

and while it's true that my anxieties can very much crush me, my uncertainties can add unnecessary weight to my shoulders and the unknown simply scares me, but i'll find comfort to the fact that i'm breathing, i'm still living, i'm still alive. right now, that's all that matters.

i'm honestly glad i've reached this point.

so 18.
bring it on.

familiar claws opened
my chest revealing a heart
that only knows how to beat
for him, only for him, for years,
god ****** it has been 3 years
already, ******, ******, ******,
and its pointy nails punctured
my lungs until it deflated entirely, i
cursed as my throat clogged up and
god ****** i can't breathe and his
eyes watched the blood trail from
his hand while mine went blurry
when tears began brimming up
more and more, each tear escaping
my lids and god ****** i can't
believe the only thing i can think
of before i coughed my last breath
was how ******* beautiful he was in
his white t-shirt that remained cleaned

it didn't hit me in full force
like an unexpected rainshower
on the very day i decided
against bringing an umbrella

but it was in ice cream dripping
on hands, in cumulus clouds
on a sky painted pink and purple
just before the sun kissed our
skins goodbye, in whistles of wheels
against warm pavements and
conversations that holds so much
warmth defrosting winter hearts, in
little kids still enjoying their childhood,
in discovering new ways to love
the people i hold dearest, in breathing,
in living, in falling in love with life

and i didn't realize
how happy and contented
i really was at this very moment
until i saw the sun had set, all children
went home and my friends and i
had long finished our frozen treats
but i was still
enjoying every second

never have i ever felt so irrelevant
as if i'm merely an abandoned
building people will walk past to
to stop and appreciate the wall full
of vibrant graffiti next to it

never have i felt a stinging sensation
of watching you laugh at her jokes
when you refuse to crack a smile next
to me, of watching you jump through
currents just to swim with her when
i'm the one who brought you to the sea,
of falling down cliffs and you only saved
the girl who already has a parachute,
of seeing you give her a chance you've
deprived me off

never have i ever felt myself inhale
sharply at the prospect of you giving
her your attention when i'm still
waiting, day after day, for you to text
back, it's so painful to watch outside
clear glass where i'm here, i've always
been here, but i've never felt like i
belong in your world, i'm always
outside looking in, never with you,
never beside you while she already
has reservations to the chair next to you

never have i ever felt this way before

and never will you ever
feel the same way about me