i traveled to the city of angels,
and i didn't know what to expect.
i saw the wingless seraphs weep,
but gained so much respect.
i traveled to the city of dreams,
where the land gods were lost.
i saw the people who wanted to be found,
and those who were trying to get a cost.
i traveled to the city of angels,
and i saw heartache and pain.
i did't know what i was expecting,
but i think i'll go again.

i couldn't help
but get lost
in the flames
that caressed
your pretty
little head.

although i was
taught to grow
out, i told my-
self to grow in,
like the women
who create this
space around
them, for the
men in their lives.

i shrunk my-
self skinny, i
made myself
thin, because
i didn't want
the rotund
lifestyle all the
men in this
family has.

instead of late-
night drinking
and going out
for dinner every
night, i stayed in
and threw my
dinner in the bin.

i made myself
a living dead
person, all bones
with a suit of
human flesh.
i went days with-
out eating a thing.
i didn't eat until
they took me to
the hospital and
forced fed me there.

they are trying
to teach me the
art of growing
out, instead of
in, because it's
not normal for
the boys to do
what the girls
do - growing
inwards in-
stead of out.

it wasn't until
the other night
that i started
thinking about
you, and how
much i wanted
to be around
you, and how
badly i wanted
to kiss your lips.

it wasn't until
i saw you with
him, that i began
feeling this feeling
called loneliness
come creeping
back into me once
again, and it's
t e r r i f y i n g .

just the other day
you were just a
little girl, playing
with barbies and
playing make-
believe, but just the
other day i saw
you sticking your
tongue down his
throat, and i never
thought i would
ever see this day.

you called it love,
but i call it lonely.
he calls love some-
thing else entirely.
love to a boy like
him is psychical,
and when he is
done, he will leave,
like the others did.
and i am so sorry
that you have to
go through that.

"sorry miss,
but the way
you glance
at me, well,
it drives me
i n s a n e . ."

"sorry, sir,"
she replied,
"but do i
know you?"

"sorry, miss,"
i turned away.
she must not
remember me
from the other
day at the park.

"don't go!"
she hollered,
and grabbed
my arm, like
a child would
their parent.

"but why?"
i question,
turning around,
to realise that
i was alone.
it was all in
my h e a d .
she was my
thoughts and
all my dreams.

i am still alone
in the world,
and she is never
coming back, so
i should get that
out of my mind.

across from me at the table,
an elder lady sat.
she grabbed my hands and gasped,
but her eyes she did not bat.
she stared directly at me,
her eyes searching mine.
the tears welled up inside hers,
before streaming down a line.
when i asked who she was,
she only shook her head.
she wasn't anyone anymore,
she was already dead.
i fled quickly out of there,
to see my therapist again.
i told her about what had happened,
i told her about the pain.
it doesn't really help,
when you're as crazy as me.
because i don't know what's real anymore,
i don't know what i actually see.
it's not fair for a teenager,
to be seeing things like i do.
i'm still just a kid whose had it rough,
but i don't have a clue.
i wish it all to go away,
i never wanted part of this.
i just want to be a normal boy,
who laughs and hugs and kiss.

i sit at the curb,
my head in my knees,
they think i'm begging,
i just want to please.
i got my head in the clouds,
i got my feet in the ground,
no one notices the lonely one,
because they lonely one doesn't make a sound.
i got to stay high all the time,
i can't go home alone again,
but i have to pay her a visit,
even if it brings me pain.
i have to show my face to them,
and get over my fears.
i have to say hello to old friends,
after all these long years.