Is there one word to describe several tumultuous emotions? How can one feel broken, defeated and relived all at once? Is there one word to describe that I am a fool over and over again but I refuse to stop loving & making amends? I will be free, I will be open and show myself clear. At least until someone hurts me bad enough to change my mind and put me in fear. but it's not you , you didn't defeat me. I refuse to be bitter, it was a grand adventure I'll treasure forever.

The wall too high, the moat too deep; if I'd met him years ago he would have been more free.
The ache has obscured his sight so much, he can't even see me, refuses my touch.
So he guards, he deflects and strums his guitar, sings of past loves and looking at stars.

I've always wished I could relive my life knowing everything that I know now.  Well today I had that opportunity, sort of... I dreamt of you and I got to relive a day in our very recent past. And I thought "oh finally I can make some things right". The first time we lived that day you came up behind me and started tickling me and I squirmed away. I felt very self-conscious thinking I was overweight and didn't want you to feel my fat jiggling around. This time I let you tickle me and I started laughing so hard just with happiness of being with you and having your hands on me again. And then you started laughing really hard too, what a glorious sound that laugh is. And then you stopped tickling me and our faces were only inches apart and you looked at me for a long moment and then you softly said "that's enough" and you turned around and walked away. That's when I realized I couldn't do it. I can't relive even another day of this journey with you. Because I remembered the way you continually  let me get close and almost let me in, and how you pull away and walk away every single time. I remembered  how that makes me feel and how It makes me feel is small.
So regardless of how fantastic it was to see you, your beautiful hazel eyes, that amazing  smile and inhale the wonderful smell of you, I forced myself to wake up and softly said "goodbye"

I'm falling in love with him and he only things I'm cool.
I take only what he's willing to give because I'm a fool.

How do you heal a broken heart?
Two were one and now torn apart.
You watch your friend hurt and cry.
You want to say it'll get better but you don't want to lie.
When I'm the one in pain, my friends make me feel better.
Should I maker her some tea and bring her a comfy sweater?
Of all of my friends she's the best.
I need some wise words to help her heart rest.

Do you remember when we stayed up all night while you read your poems to me?
The day we watched movies, didn't get out of bed & cried our eyes out because the stories were so moving?
It mattered not that we were broke or that there was a recession, we laughed and cried made our own fun and enjoyed all of our our obsessions.
I miss that man that first came to stay with me.
I no longer know who you are and why you decided to leave.
I try not to miss you while hoping that you miss me.

You make me happy and sad all at the same time
The road is where you belong and you'll never be mine
I do get you every now and then
We have lots of fun and you introduce me as your friend
You make up for it at night,
We sleep tangled together and you hold me so tight
I love the way you kiss me and feeling the scratch of your beard
I'm always sad to see you go
But I'm so happy when you're here

It's as if there's an echo of you in every room I enter.
The last strands of a melody draining away as the song ends.
Your shadow lingers in the corner of my eye but when I turn you're not there.
You're gone but you're not gone for me.
Please GO, stop haunting me.
Maybe once I stop hoping for your return, maybe that's when you'll finally leave.

The thought of you makes me smile more than seeing his face.
Since you left I feel there's an empty space.
I don't sleep well unless we're tangled up together.
Anyone else's touch makes me feel fettered.
You walk in and you leave, you can never stay.
I have just a small part in your petty little play.
But, for all that, I'm OK

I'm leaving this world surely but slowly
Leaving behind everything I once thought holy
The cares of this world will be shaken off
The soul and the spirit, we will see how tough

I have to let him go again.
Keep repeating; he's just my friend, he's just my friend.
Each time I swear I won't be hurt this time.
But that's my Everest, an uphill climb.
He comes but never stays.
He's content for a moment but then he goes away.
I promise myself this time I won't cry.
I'll be happy once he's back, home and dry.

I'm losing everything I thought I wanted gain.
Once I had it all I didn't feel sane.
The car, the house, the sweet little pup,
I feel so liberated now that I'm giving it up.
The words he spoke were sincere and sweet
But the reality of life with him makes me feel like I've been beat.
I'd rather be alone than be here with him,
And for the thousandth time, I'm swearing off of men.

He never kisses me hello or goodbye.
He never tells me I'm beaufield of that he loves me.

He does;
pour my wine, open my medicine, and gets me a glass of water at 4am.
He knows how I like my sandwiches cut and he learns to play my favorite songs.

Is that love?

Or is it the least he can do?

I'm not heart broken. I'm not grieving. I'm not devastated. But there's this thing inside me, this little thing that reminds me that he wakes up every morning and he's happy without me. And it feels not great. I'll be ok. Not today but soon. I just need something to be good...

You think when you become a parent you put your needs second to theirs.
But instead you take them for granted because they're always there.
You're human and you hurt. You're selfish and you forget.
They are watching everything that's a part of you and me.
They don't learn what they're told they do what they see.
If you're in pain you might forget theirs.
You make bad decisions and of your mistakes you make them your heirs.
The sins of the father (or mother) are visited upon the sons (or the daughters)
We don't notice till it's too late, we've taught them to sin and to hate.
It's us they hate but love at the same time.
We punish these children and don't notice till we're past our prime.
We can only hope they'll forgive because forgetting would be to say that they've never lived.

It has been so long since I have been loved. So long since I have been cherished, worshipped, looked at like I'm the only woman who exists.

I have been wanted, lusted after, even needed.

But loved?

A man who looks at me because he can't look away? A man who kisses me or grabs my hand because he can't stand another second of not touching me?

It has been so long since I have been loved.

I've missed it...for so long

His beauty takes my breath away
He has no idea how he looks when he sits with his guitar and begins to play
Long hair curling on his neck,
The sight makes me hold my breath.
I know he's leaving one day soon,
Maybe tomorrow or next week
maybe not till the full moon.
I enjoy every minute like it may be our last
He never stays long...
Now it's the past

His scent lingers on my skin.
I should shower but I hesitate getting in.
I know when I'm finished I'll be washed clean but then I'll only smell like me

I'm a thief of the worst kind;
a mother who's selfish, bitter and out of her mind.
I stole their childhood,
because of me it wasn't great,
it wasn't even good.
No one to bake their birthday cake
no one to play with or skate.
I didn't take them to the movies or the park
I was always ****** up, everything dark.
I stole and and they can never get it back.
They forgave me anyway
because they're awesome like that.
Some people lose their kids but I threw mine away
Too lost in my addiction to take them out to play.

How does love turn to hate?
No more conversation but a tragic debate.
"There's nothing I wouldn't do for you"
turns to "give me back my ring or I'll sue".
"Your happiness is all I want"
turns to anger and an ugly taunt.
"I'll give you anything just ask for something!"
turns to "I'll burn it all down and see you with nothing".
I knew I didn't feel enough to stay,
that made him angry and now I'm his prey.
Always looking over my shoulder,
you'd think i'd make better choices now that I'm older.
I tried to remove myself from the chaos,
now he won't stop until I feel his loss.

Loving you is like eating glass if the glass were made of cotton candy but poisoned. I refuse to **** myself for you any longer. If you love me you will fight to win me back. But we both know your a liar not a fighter...

I think of you almost every other hour.
I always think of you when I'm in the shower.
He does his best, but to my heart he can't lay claim.
And for that,  you are to blame.
I sleep in your old shirts you left at my place
and when I dream, I see your face.
I know that you will have no mate and no home
but when you're in town, I'll answer the phone.
I'll take what you give and be happy with that.
I'm one of many and that's a fact.
But just to hear you whisper my name,
I'll risk it,
I'll play your game