I wish ladybeetles could talk,


They'd tell the sweetest stories.

She's a girl and you're a man,
A man not a boy,
When you said she was entertaining did you mean only like a toy? A toy you can just play, break and throw away?
She's confused.
Maybe you're just busy with life while she's still just growing up, my God you're old enough to have a wife.
She's confused.
One great night,
Maybe that's all it was and she should just accept it.
If it was up to her she could forget it.
The age difference is killing her and the mixed signals are willing her, to do what?
Keep trying, give up?
She doesn't know.
She doesn't want to.
Yes she does.
She's lost.
The girl is lost and confused, but what about the man?
Tell me _ , what about you?
Do you feel the way I do?
When you said you loved me I thought it was a joke,
But was it true?
I'm confused.
I haven't known you long but it feels like forever to me,
Forever.
How can one night be forever?
Is it worth it to endeavor?
Or just to wonder if I'll ever,
Ever be good enough
I ask myself in vain.
Either way I know ends with pain, that much I am sure.
Living so far away, having a difference in age,
Is true love even a cure?
It should be.
It could be.
Maybe I wish it would be.
I'm confused.
I'm lost.
I've been through a lot.
I'm still waking up in hopes that it was just a dream.
A dream or a nightmare?
I can't recall.
If I took a risk could I lose it all?
Would that help?
Losing it all?
Maybe I'm being stupid,
Compared to this "problem" I feel so small.
I must be diluted
To just fall.
To fall so hard.
Staring at this wall maybe I'll get away?
Get away and forget the day,
Forget the time I was confused and lost.
How long until I just exhaust?
Love, it comes at too high a cost.
I'm confused and lost
Lost in my thoughts.
I don't cry easily but maybe it's time
I once heard a friend of mine say "Crying only means you've been too strong for too long"
Too late, I'm gone, so far gone
Lost in my thoughts, gone, unending as it seems
Somehow I'll survive, I'll figure out what exactly God's test means.
In the future I'll hopefully be, no, know I will be
The girl who was once confused, once lost
The one that became a woman
After she defined lost and beat the cost.
The cost of love.

The
worst
time to
have an
existential
crisis is when
you're home, broke
and out of cigarettes.
The smoke can still my
mind and it can clean my
soul. It's funny, the cleaner,
the more sober I get the dirtier
I feel. I think it's because
in these sober moments
I learn more about the
crystal I sniff into my
nose and I learn
more about
myself
and I
learn
more
about
the
world.

Dawn
I awaken,
slowly, to a light cool falling drop of water on my cheek.
I arise from my soft, cool bed of leaves and pine needles.
Gazing through magnificent towering redwoods, I stand in awe.
The night storm has passed and the clouds part.
The last few falling raindrops race to the ground before the sun emerges.
Birds chirp in the distance to bring in the new day.
The air is fresh, crisp
Quiet.
I breath deeply.
Happiness.
Sun rays penetrate the forest
kiss my cheek.
Warm.
My castle of trees has many halls but no walls.
Towering columns
Gentle giants to watch over me.
I walk for miles, barefoot
On a soft carpet of pine, cool beneath my feet
I look up
gentle drops of water land on my outstretched hands
I reach a clearing
The sun is setting, falling asleep in his bed of clouds.
He bids farewell and goodnight, but to return soon.
I lay myself down on the ground beside the Oak.
The root is my pillow
Peace
My eyelids slowly, surely close as I rest.
The mockingbird quietly sings me to sleep.
Sweet, pleasant dreams, majestic forest.
Dusk


-John G. Thomas

I don't think you'll ever understand me,
Like the way I do you,
The way I'm constantly unhappy and do the things that I do,
I lie,
And I sometimes tell too much truth,
But I still want people to like me,
I mean doesn't everybody?
Not that I'll change,
I'll stay the same of course, but I wish I wasn't just watching,
I wanna stop looking to be like you,
But being different has its vices,
No one gets it,
I may sound like an the infamous teen angst,
But really, never have I ever met another who truly gets my brain,
I'm an alienated person who likes knowing she's in control,
I won't party or drink because what if I do something that isn't me,
That's the reason though people do those things,
I'm not like that,
I sorta wanna be,
Have fun,
Every now and then,
Just throw back my cares,
For once,
Be free,
Just for a day, I don't wanna be me