There's a moment of orderly silence
Well calculated and planned silence
Before you allow your eyes to cross mine.
You know I'm going to look away
But you also feel my eyes following you
As you pass by without looking at me.

you sure are beautiful
I think to myself
As I bend a paper clip
Out of it's intended shape.
There's a cool calmness
And a fear of my heart imploding
In to my chest.
It's just lust

I don't mind and I'm not giving in
take the high road
The whisperers tell me
And I'm intending to
But I know my posture gives me away.
Aware of my youthful mistakes
The very same ones
You never make...

You never speak directly at me
You always address someone else
But I know that you know
That I know.
And when no one's watching
You allow your eyes to wander
Always taking a moment
To gaze in to my eyes
As to challenge me.

I rarely respond... on purpose.
And if someone ever asked me
If you had made a pass at me
I could never come up
With any solid argument
Even if I wanted to give you away.
And it's not like you started it.
It's also not that you would not have ended it...
It's just that I'm a horrible liar
And you know that.

If there's been a lifetime
Where I've had to fight
For my God given right to be sane,
Then this must be it.
It's a lifetime that contains within it
A constant silver lining.

It's not because I've suffered
That that should hinder me.
The clean-up just takes more time.
More persistence and faith
To wash the dirt off my worn hands.

And as I gaze out of the window
Of the large office building
Which somehow stumbled
On to my winding path,
I see cranes and constructions.
Humanity's lego blocks,
Reflections of our deepest selves.

I smile and come to realise
Somehow, this view
Looks much like myself...
Always building, never giving up
Always on the look out
For better solutions and structures.
It must have been
Humanities gift to me...

The orange winter sun
Caresses this view
And with it
It caresses my broken hands.

Is some years someone will say
That Lily, she sure was a riot.
There's something to be said
About the vague mocking
I cast upon myself.
If it wasn't for my misfortune
I would not have had
Such dark sense of humor.
I'd rather put myself on the spot
Than give you the pleasure.

If there was a statue
For all the broken women
Would she smile?
I'm sure she would.
I guess I would, if it was me.

There's gratitude in the peace
That resides in my so called
Lonely home.
I'd rather kick back
On my own
Put my feet on the table
Than spend another minute
With a man
Who needs a trophy wife.
For I'm certainly no trophy.

So unpredictable
I can't tell what I'll do next.
My lips tear apart in speech
At the first sight
Of flawed logic
If not of you, then of me.
I'd smile, laugh and mock myself.

But the wounds are on the mend.
In the midst of the process
I'd only wonder
"Is it a witch burning or a burning witch?",
Is there love to be found
To cast upon my abusers
And how much suffering can I take
Before my mind collapses on itself
And I'm introduced to the padded room.

At fear of losing my mind,
I can only work harder
To regain my mental states
And hope that someday
I'll be free of the streams
That pull me away
For thinking straight.
I spill my guts
Sit through the cold sweat
And grind my teeth
Knowing, that someday I'll understand.

I forgive myself
For shamelessly staring
I can forgive myself
For the missing years
That pile on
Between us
I could forgive myself
For falling in love
And having my heart
Torn out once more.
Indeed I could tear out
My very own heart
As long as yours is safe and warm.
Such is Love in Sacrifice
Or Sacrifice in Love.
Whichever way you put it,
You're one of those Light Bodies.
Visibly imperfect and somewhat lost.
Maybe not entirely but certainly in some way.
How could my Light guide you home
When you shine so bright
I can't tear my eyes off you,
Hell I couldn't see home if I tried.
In some way you became
The missing Sun ray
And I became the troll
That wanders in the night.
Alas, such is life
All the good ones
The missing puzzle pieces
Are hanging on another woman's arm,
Or are gay as ****.

"I'm a ******* Starboy"

The words are spelled
On your forehead
I smile at you
The real smile
That you always see
Playing on my features.

"I love you unconditionally and always"*
You think I don't know that?
You look away each time
You see my adoration
And know deeply and truly
That I will never act on it.

I'm done waiting around,
If you can't see that
I deserve better than anything
You are willing to offer.
Of all the beauty you hold
None of it will belong
In my life again.

And as you leave
4 minutes to catch your train...
"It's fine I'll pay"
I say once again.
And I think maybe today
You may have understood
Why I won't give in to you.

It's always the same with you.
But there's a warm place
In my heart as I think of you.
There's a virtual kiss
Landing on your forehead.

To you it means
The kiss of death.
To me it always meant
The kiss of loyalty.
You may never agree on everything
But maybe today
You understood
That I'm nobody's side *****.

it ain't proper*
I think to myself
As I watch you
In all your sereen authority.
I listen to your quiet low voice
And cover my smile
With my hand leaning closer to the computer screen.
Got my feet firmly on the ground
But nothing degrades
Your natural grace.
I'm not a fool about it
I just like to watch you
And I think you
May have noticed.
The cracks on your face
That form friendly lines
Around your eyes
Do not diminish your natural light.
I look away as a blush
Decorates my cheeks
And of course
You saw that.
There's a sweet twinkle
In your eyes
Of a man that just received
An unexpected compliment
That must've been so far
From appropriate it made you grin.

I'm getting back to work.
This is embarassing...!

There was something here before
A kind of residual light
I held within my heart
Under the caress on my palms
There was a preseverance
Despite all the attacks on my persona
The abuse that was addressed to me
And the cold hard impact of your hand
On various parts of my withering body
There was a freezing rage in my voice
As I promised you to one day
Provide the hand that kills you.
Never corner a scared animal
It is more likely to fight
Than to ever take flight
Don't worry, I won't flee
I'm however not so kind as to **** you
Odds of you suffering are higher
Once left alive
Stop approaching me
I won't be a lady this time around.