Wonderfull, you're back.
The offer is upgraded this time
Now you're actually trying
To have a real conversation
Before you try to get in to my pants
It's not going to happen
You were so bad
I wanted to regrow a *****
And convert in to a nun.
Let's not revisit that.

Later on...
I sat out with my sister
Watched him check out the goods
You're cute, come here
But then your friend
Started looking
No. No. No.
I wasn't looking at - aaargh.
Oh boo!
Why do the Gods hate me?

Can't date you
You're too old
And my body goes tick tock
Can't date you either
Because regardless
Of your fleeting interest in me
My best friend
Is in love with you.

And you.
I wouldn't date you
*** you're a ****.

That old guy I know
That's you
I've watched you
Grow old and age
I always wondered
When your black hair
Would turn gray
It did eventually.
Why couldn't I have black hair?

Now you take
A whole arsenal of medication
And your kideys gave up
I bet your liver
Functions on pure anger
And you're only still here
Because you're too scared to die

I think I'd miss you.
Even though we share
A wide range of genetic information
You have never been around
Never reached out
Even though you could hear me cry
Never looked up
While I basically hung up side down.

I still love you
The only person I ever trusted
To never let me fall.
Granted you never saw me fall
Because you never
Wanted to look
That's ok
I never missed having a dad
I'm not even sure I know
What that means

I'm not resentfull
I know you enjoy my antics
That you love the crazy **** I pull
That I could tell you anything
Because you are probably worse
That I can make fun of you
Pins and needles
And that you know
That that's just me saying
I love you

Without ever really saying it
Because I know
That it would make you cry.
I know how hard it is for you
When I hug you
When I kiss you
When I curl up against you.
It makes you cry
Because it reminds you
Of  a time when you knew
You were worthy of such affection.

I just wish you hadn't
Changed your last name.
Now it's different from mine.

Why did I do this to myself?
Not like I didn't know better.
Didn't have to add you
To be reminded that
You are in fact
The prettiest man I've ever seen.
You're so far out of my league
I can't even see you.

Stupid, stupid, stupid

The C-Pilot
You look just like all the other files
And yet you are different today
Because you're the only one left
The last one.

I watch him look at you
With appreciation and gratitude
He's joking about you
As though you were a woman.
I smile and ask him:

*Are you going to say the same
When the new order of C-pilots arrives?

It wasn't weird
Hanging out
Just wanted to see the cats
The furr babies
The Handsome Fluffybutts
But as I arrived
To the house
That was my home
For 5 years
I just got comfortable as ****.

I opened all the doors
Meditated on the couch
Waited for you to come home
And let you make me coffee
While chatting as always.
And **** was I ever impressed
You finally opened up
You told me your worries
Your finances
-Kudos for paying your debts-
Your fears and all the gossip
Your training schedule
And what your friends said.

I did what I always do;
Told you everything.
About almost everything.
Including the fact
That now that you're
All pumped up
And training like crazy
That you need new clothes.
That shirt's starting
To look funny on you.
You should get rid of it.
Meanwhile I'll go
Through your closets
As though they are still mine.

Another single girl
In your mid-twenties
I still remember the day
Of your wedding
You looked so beautiful
In your wedding dress
I nearly cried
As I stood waiting
For you to arrive
I spoke the vows
And blessed your relationship
You both eagerly agreed
Yet something turned in my gut
Why doesn't it feel right?
I announced you
Husband and wife
And "may you kiss the bride"

Now I'm sorry for your divorce
Feeling somehow
Responsible for
Marrying you to him
In the first place.
Will be here to catch your tears though.

"Look at me
I have nothing
To show for my life!
I just bought sunblock
With an anti-wrinkle agent!
I haven't had ***
For 6 months
My body is wasting away!
My eggs are wasting away!
What am I going to do
With my life?
I'm almost 30!!!"

Um...you're...26....
I think you still have time.