Sirenes

Sirenes Aug 2018

It hurt, it always hurt
But when it was with them,
It wasn’t so bad.
It wasn’t even bad, it was addictive.

In the world of unlikely friends
People like them
Were the equivalent of a shot of Jack
After a ****** up day or week.

Then he smashed that glass on my face
And forced himself on me.

He shoved his fingers in my ***
So hard I came.
Later that week he watched
Me get wet through my trousers,
In the mirror behind me.
All that from just a conversation.

And if it had been anyone else,
I would’ve kicked them out.
It was hardly a question of being unable to defend myself.

But in their hands
Pain and pleasure slept in the same bed.
In my bed, between my legs
And made out till dawn.

If it had been anyone else,
Heads would’ve rolled.
But he just gave me a painkiller
And rubbed benzodiazepine on my skin.

And somewhere between
Them pulling my hair
And threatening me
You know to make it feel more real

I fell in love...

Sirenes Jul 2018

Distant memory

Me, you, he, she, they we
Table, stool, cup, plate, tea
A green hill and a flock of sheep

I said there were 75 a pack
You counted 71,
And 4 watching your back.

Two months with you
I got lazy and fat,
Got a funny accent too.

Taught me french for a week or two
And multiplied numbers
5x5 is 25, threw a tandrum too!

And yer right, I shoulnd’t rearrange yer stuff.

Sirenes Mar 2018

Children’s dreams

Tick tock
And the days pass by.
What am I doing
But letting it.
Some call it depression.
I called it an impasse
All the pawns are set to place
No one moves
And no one gets hurt.

But I linger in my bed
Half asleep, half awake
As your scent passes
Through the hallways of my memory.
Or is it my insanity?
The warmth of hands caressing me
And children singing
Of the sleeping beauty.

Am I asleep, awake or just crazy?
There is only so many closets to clean
Yet mine just keep pouring
Their quite strange contents.
I woke up unable to move mostly
My arm slowly rising in the air
As though I was to touch the ceiling
And the voice of a polite little boy
“When you come down
We’d like to know how you’ve come to levitate”
The memory of the will to kiss him
We were only children...
Children’s dreams...

Yet I still have no wings to fly
And the child within me must obey.
People don’t really fly, do they...?

Entertaining dreams

Sirenes Feb 2018

Recovery

Who do you want to be when you grow up*

What a strange question...
who would I want to be
But just simply who I am?
What should I want to be
But simply just me?
Just one problem...
I can’t remember me?
Every dream of becoming better
And the process of getting there,
Led me to one thing?
Just me.
It turned out that Just Me
Is burned out.
And all the things that I dreamed of
The simple things
Like being able to get lost in a book
Or cooking three meals a day
And getting some excersise,
Were just there to be done
But how could I,
When all these things
Remind me of me?
If I did all that, I’d own up to myself
And I’d remember me
And everything I’m made of.
But somehow I became it anyway...
There are herbs growing by the window
And my sleep needs less of me,
The excuses to get fit
Have been silenced
And there’s a long list
Of fun things to do
All by myself
There’s a long lost voice saying
“Go for Sunday coffee with a friend”
The will to smoke has left me
And the things I always wanted to do
And always stalled infinitely
Are so close, I can feel them.
There’s still work to be done
But the view you get
Half way up the mountain
Is priceless and I’m grateful.

my last year's New Year's resolution was to become better than I was before.
I just became more of myself and it's paying off. yay

Sirenes Nov 2017

nothing changed

the severing of ties
that's what it was called
but they never faded
never vanished
and never made way
for anything else.

there was the pen
to be followed
as you moved it
before my eyes
and the words to remember
of a language
I would never come to perfect.

there were tests and games
I tracked you down
and sat by the tree.
drew hearts around your shoe tracks.
there were issues and wagers.
and nothing ever changed.
my heart always smiled at you.

and you asked yourself
who was the love of my life?
it has always been you.
and him
and her
and them.
now who is the love of your life?

I swallowed the sings of you
the traces, the links, the connection.
and humored you
by calling it accomodation
instead of stealing.
and you laughed
so I guess I'm off the hook.

Sirenes Oct 2017

Jew

He said he was a Jew
And I was an arian.
I hated that label.
I am a Protestant!
But I hardly knew how to speak.
So I just called him “Jew”.
And he was the sweetest.
He was 6 and I was 4
And I wanted to be his girlfriend

He asked his mom
If it was ok, him being older and all
She said we were allowed to kiss.
But I snuck out of bed
To sleep next to Jew
And he cuddled me back to sleep
And complained in the morning
That I stole his blankets

I cried for three days
When he left.
Whispered in the silence
At the age of 8,
That my best friend was a jew
And I’d never turn on them.
He waived at me when I was 10,
Watched me swim at 12,
And kissed me when I was 14.
He caressed me and I lost my senses.

He fought for my honour at 15,
And that was the only time
I ever flashed my ***** to anyone.
He found me when I was 16.
And told me he still loved me
At the age of 17.
We cried together for months
When I was 19.
And many times after that.
He is still today
My very own Jew.

I’d still hide you if I had to
Like that time we lay beneath the stairs
While your father screamed
Anti-semitic statements
And you covered my ears.
And I eventually fell asleep holding you tight.
You were John Smith and I was Pocahontas...

I guess that’s why I got these tattoos.

<3

Sirenes Sep 2017

Kiss You

If there was a world that I could hold in my palm, I would gift it to you.

But that would not please you.

If there was a book, that contained all the words for Love, in all expressions in the universe, I would lay it by your feet.

But that would not impress you.

If there was an act of respect and reverence, the way I feel it, I would perform it.

But you would not want it.

Nor would I find it adequate in what I'm trying to say.

In the end I would not do any of the above...

Because the only way, I ever got through to you, was through a simple kiss... through the touch of my hands and the words within my soul, too complex for the human mind.

So I guess, I'll simply kiss you, knowing, that that has always been enough.

Loving whispers from a kindred spirit <3