I don't know
where I stand with him

And I don't know
what I mean to him

All I know
is that every time I think of him
I want to be with him

For a moment
I was distracted

Books always did that to me

I liked the creamy pages
the smell of ink

all the secrets locked inside

But you don't understand
I'd give you everything I have
I'd dedicate every piece of love in my body
Just to have the guts to tell you
That I am weak
And you are strong
I am the lowest of lows
And you are the highest of highs
You make the sunrise bright
And the sunset slower
You send shivers down my spine
And I can't breathe when you say my name
All I can do is take you in as you come to me in a blur of words
So I sit for hours in end trying to figure you out
But you are too beautiful for my understanding
And I am selfish and miserable
But I will never tire of this
You are rooted too deeply in my system
I couldn't get you out even if I tried
And it's been a privilege
To feel my name roll off your tongue and onto mine
And the taste has found a way to stay
Even if you didn't

Failure:

It leaves a sour taste in my mouth, a ***** feeling on my hands, and bitter memories stained into my mind. I have failed more tests than I can count, more than I can remember. I have gotten bad grades, one after another, day after day. I have been on the verge of ruining my future, but gone ahead and failed another class anyway.

I have been the girl with grades as low as her age, I have been the girl you whisper about in the hallways as you walk past her: did you hear she failed because she didn’t even study

But who cares if I didn’t study, I would rather sit back and do nothing and fail an exam than dedicate all my time to studying information I will never understand, just to take a test where the teacher can tell me I didn’t study hard enough if I could still get such a low grade

I have seen my best friends spend an entire weekend pouring over their physics textbook, their math notes, their history study sheets, and then I have seen the crushed look on their faces when they still get a failing score. I have seen people try their hardest to do well and then get it thrown in their faces as the grade on the paper tells them it wasn’t enough

SO DO NOT TELL ME I NEED TO STUDY MORE, DO NOT TELL ME I NEED TO TRY MY BEST WHEN THE SCHOOL SYSTEM IS JUST GOING TO SAY MY BEST ISN’T GOING TO CUT IT. DO NOT TURN YOUR NOSE UP WHEN YOU HEAR I DIDN’T STUDY FOR MY MIDTERM BECAUSE WHAT YOU DIDN’T HEAR WAS ME CRYING MYSELF TO SLEEP BECAUSE I CAN’T BEAT THIS SYSTEM, I’M EITHER LAZY AND IRRESPONSIBLE OR JUST PLAIN STUPID, I’M STUCK IN THIS NEVER ENDING CYCLE AND I CAN’T WIN, I CAN’T PLEASE YOU, I CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT, SO MAYBE NOW YOU UNDERSTAND WHY I’D RATHER DO NOTHING

I no longer believed
in the idea of soul mates
or love at first sight

But I was beginning to believe
that a very few times in your life
if you were lucky
you might meet someone
who was exactly right for you

Not because they was perfect
or because you were
but because your combined flaws
were arranged in a way
that allowed two separate beings
to hinge together

1) I love you not for who you are,
but who I am when i’m by your side.
2) No person deserves your tears,
and who deserves them won’t make you cry.
3) Just because someone doesn’t love you as you wish,
it doesn’t mean you’re not loved with all his/her being.
4) A true friend is the one,
who hold your hand and touches your heart.
5) The worst way to miss someone is,
to be seated by him/her and know you’ll never have him/her.
6) Never stop smiling not even when you’re sad,
someone might fall in love with your smile.
7) You may only be a person in this world,
but for someone you’re the world.
8) Don’t spend time with someone,
who doesn’t care spending it with you.
9) Maybe God wants you to meet many wrong people,
before you meet the right one, so when it happens you’ll be thankful.
10) Don't cry because it came to an end,
smile because it happened.
11) There will always be people who’ll hurt you,
so you need to continue trusting, just be careful.
12) Become a better person and be sure to know who you are,
before meeting someone new and hoping that person knows who you are.
13) Don’t struggle so much,
best things happen when not expected.

chapped lips

dark circles

boring days

anxious nights

dangerous habits

and thoughts

slipping back in my mind

how much longer

do I have to do this?

it's hard not to
fall in love
with someone

when
they see the
mixed up parts of your
soul.

when
it's four a.m.
and they all
because
the know you're
not
asleep.

You fall
you rise
you make mistakes
you live
you learn

You're human
not perfect

You've been hurt
but you're alive

Think of what a precious privilege it is
to be alive-
to breathe
to think
to enjoy
and to chase the things you love

Sometimes there is sadness in our journey
but there is also lots of
beauty

We must keep putting
one foot in front of the other
even when we hurt

For we will never know
what is waiting for us
just around the bend

It’s obvious that I look at you
and see perfection; even where
there is none, even where
your ugly is. I know that’s why
I hear from you whenever you
feel rejected. Ultimately, you’re
going to find the door again
because you’re looking for
someone a little harder to tame,
and I’m going to end up the
rejected one who can’t seem
to understand why an outpour
of care isn’t enough for you to
stay with me. You call and your
apology is the meekest I’ve
seen, but I run to you faster
than I’ve run before because
it’s you. It’s you. It’s you. I want
to call you selfish but I forgive
you for it before the word makes
it past my mouth. I’m always so
happy to see you that I forget
to ask you to please let me go.

There once was a young girl with green eyes
who wore her soft blond hair
in braided pigtails

at the age of seven
she watched her older sister
stand in front of the mirror before school
and pinch her stomach with a disgusted face
          neither of them ate breakfast that morning

at the age of nine,
she watched her older brother
make fun of a girl with glasses
for reading on the bus
          she went home and hid all her books
          in the attic

at the age of twelve,
she watched the older girls at school
with straight hair and short skirts
put makeup on in the bathroom
and discuss how boys would only like you
if you looked perfect, like them
          the next day she arrived with red lips,
          short shorts, and no braided pigtails

at the age of fourteen,
she watched her father hit her mother for the first time
her mother cried when she saw her standing in the doorway
and told her daddy didn't mean it
          the next year, she told herself that
          her boyfriend didn't mean it, either

at the age of sixteen,
she was paper thin and empty
with straight blond hair, red lips
purple flesh and lifeless green eye
          while staring at the reflection
          in the bathroom mirror
          she thought to herself
          "at least I'm normal"

One day, whether you
are 14,
28,
or 65

you will stumble upon
someone who will start
a fire in you that cannot die.

However, the saddest,
most awful truth
you will even come to find--

is they are not always
with whom we spend our lives

Put yourself in my place
for just one day

Watch all the colors in your spectrum
fade grey

More aware than ever
that I might never
be calm again

And it shakes every ******* bone
Trying to do the right thing
on my own

We were stuck all night
in quicksand light
and talked for fifty three tequila
hours, from bench to bar, to
dusk lit park, to the rust and arch
of the Golden Gate Bridge—
death watched us from
windowsill alleyways, between drying
sheets and shirts, and men’s
underwear, while life
climbed down the fire escapes
to greet us.
You smiled, with your eyes—
illuminating the still
second hands of streets clocks,
and the whole
infinity of Time between.
We lit cigarettes in pedicabs
unspeaking, vibrating mind
telepathy at midnight between
imaginary African angels.
And your smell reminded
me of an art lined fireplace
I once knew in Buffalo, with no fire
burning, but a window lighted
neighbor *******, while
the Main Street sirens howled.
And we don’t know each other
anymore, but
I still remember the You,
who broke down crying
in a light green kitchen, trembling
before a dirtied stovetop, and
ending on a bed—
missing a life
you couldn’t remember

**** it.
**** everyone
**** everything.
I’m banging my head against a wall
And I’m nearly brain dead.
Scratch out my fingerprints
Nothing good can come from me
Torture me
And bury my mind
I need you to put me down
Suffocate me
Set me free

You asked me, mother, why I only ate six seeds, then,
and I didn’t know what to say, way back when.
Why six seeds?
Because I love the places living things grow,
but I love more the home of lifeless bones.

Why six seeds?
Because I love the summer breeze,
but I love more the falling leaves.

Why six seeds?
Because I love the blue skies,
but I love more the things that died.

Why six seeds?
Because I love you, mother,
but I love more my broken lover.

Why six seeds?
Because I love the echoes of that distant shore,
but I love my freedom so much more.

It's crazy
because I don't even know
when you became so important
to me

It's like watching a snowstorm

You see the flakes falling
you don't realize how
they're adding up

The suddenly your whole lawn is
covered

Once a year on All Hallows’ Eve we wear our masks with pride,
but masks aren’t just for Halloween, we use our masks to hide.
We fool ourselves by thinking we don’t wear them all the time,
but all the things that we conceal each day should be a crime.
Society has turned against us and created this beauty brawl.
They taught us if it’s not obvious, it’s not beautiful at all.
They told us to use make up and to cover up our scars,
but how can we be beautiful if we’re covering who we are?
Some men may want a woman who is beautiful inside,
then turn around and pick the most overt beauty in sight.
Some women say they want a man who’s open, honest and real,
but turn around and pick vampires who don’t know how to feel.
It seems no one is truthful with the things they want the most.
It’s like we all just hide so much we’re practically living ghosts.
We live in a world where beauty is one of our greatest tasks,
but how do we know if we’re beautiful if we never take off our masks?

stop telling girls
that they’re not skinny enough

stop telling girls
that their feet are too large

stop telling girls
that their stomachs need to be flat

stop telling girls
that they should always cross their legs

stop telling girls
that they have too much muscle

stop telling girls
that a d cup is too large

stop telling girls
that their thighs are too fat

stop telling girls
to **** in their guts

stop telling girls
not to sit like a man

stop telling girls
that their ******* curls are too big

stop telling girls
that they can’t take up space
like a ******* man can
because
yes
they
*******
can

if i’m going to see you again,
why did the back
of your blue dress shirt seem like
such a finality?
what bitter ends are these we taste,
spitting the seeds of our sunflower love
out into the pavement,
god but
what we had was
so ******* beautiful;

i could never love you but
that doesn’t mean
i didn’t care at all.

imagine having
to walk through a fire
alone

somehow mornings spent
with you in my arms
breeds a different kind of light
swimming through the blinds
dancing on our skin

ships on rocky seas
shadows in your sheets
In your dreams

is that how it felt
before you had me
is that what still finds you
sometimes
on dark nights in my arms

i forgot to close the window last night
but no rain was forecast -

i wipe the water from your soft skin
.

when she was 7, a boy pushed her on the playground
she fell headfirst into the dirt and came up with a mouthful of gravel and lines of blood chasing each other down her legs
when she told her teacher what happened, she laughed and said ‘boys will be boys honey don’t let it bother you
he probably just thinks you’re cute’
but the thing is,
when you tell a little girl who has rocks in her teeth and scabs on her knees that hurt and attention are the same
you teach her that boys show their affection through aggression
and she grows into a young woman who constantly mistakes the two
because no one ever taught her the difference
‘boys will be boys’
turns into
‘that’s how he shows his love’
and bruises start to feel like the imprint of lips
she goes to school with a busted mouth in high school and says she was hit with a basketball instead of his fist
the one adult she tells scolds her
‘you know he loses his temper easily
why the hell did you have to provoke him?’
so she shrinks
folds into herself, flinches every time a man raises his voice
by the time she’s 16 she’s learned her job well
be quiet, be soft, be easy
don’t give him a reason
but for all her efforts, he still finds one
‘boys will be boys’ rings in her head
‘boys will be boys
he doesn’t mean it
he can’t help it’
she’s 7 years old on the playground again
with a mouth full of rocks and blood that tastes like copper love
because boys will be boys baby don’t you know
that’s just how he shows he cares
she’s 18 now and they’re drunk
in the split second it takes for her words to enter his ears they’re ruined
like a glass heirloom being dropped between the hands of generations
she meant them to open his arms but they curl his fists and suddenly his hands are on her and her head hits the wall and all of the ******* words in the world couldn’t save them in this moment
she touches the bruise the next day
boys will be boys
aggression, affection, violence, love
how does she separate them when she learned so early that they’re inextricably bound, tangled in a constant tug-of-war
she draws tally marks on her walls ratios of kisses to bruises
one entire side of her bedroom turns purple, one entire side of her body
boys will be boys will be boys will be boys
when she’s 20, a boy touches her hips and she jumps
he asks her who the hell taught her to be scared like that and she wants to laugh
doesn’t he know that boys will be boys?
it took her 13 years to unlearn that lesson from the playground
so I guess what I’m trying to say is
i will talk until my voice is hoarse so that my little sister understands that aggression and affection are two entirely separate things
baby they exist in difference universes
my niece can’t even speak yet but I think I’ll start with her now
don’t ever accept the excuse that boys will be boys
don’t ever let him put his hands on you like that
if you see hate blazing in his eyes don’t you ever confuse it with love
baby love won’t hurt when it comes
you won’t have to hide it under long sleeves during the summer
and
the only reason he should ever reach out his hand
is to hold yours

You don't always
need a plan

sometimes you need
to just breathe

trust

let go

and see
what happens

Your soulmate is not someone that
comes into your life
peacefully

It is who comes to
make you question things

who changes
your reality

somebody that marks a
before and after
in your life

It is not the human being
everyone has idealized

but an ordinary person
who manages to
revolutionize your world
in a second...