I go up
Then go down
My head is spinning around
First I'm gregarious
Then I'm diffident
Chaos starts to begin
As new pages rip in
I get irascible
When people ask me questions
I'm an emciated person
With stress going about
With this bipolar linking on
Tears begin to crowd
To a laughter if mismaze
My relationships are hard
For I cannot keep one
For this bipolar is to strong
I wish I could be normal
And not take pills
But bipolar has controlled me
To my birth to my will
I will have it till the end
Till I'm old and grey
It's going to be a part of me
Forever and today

I'm loveing you once again

True Happiness comes from within
Not from the new trends or how many friends
Nor It doesn't come from popularity
Or how cute you look
It cannot be purchased by a store with new clothes and new looks
Or with a new pair of those high heels that you want to get
You cannot attach a value for it
If you want true happiness take a look inside and find it
Its deep inside in your heart
Its the treasure that you must cherish
Its happiness

It's tooken over her body
Now she's an emciated person
Who can't control her actions
Who just eats excessively
Then makes herself throw up
Who tried to make herself skinny at first whiched worked
Then she wanted to stop but she did it to much
Now she has builimia
But no-one knows
But people say
Your too skinny!! You need to gain weight!!
She says I know
And sobs away
People give her a hard time
But they don't know
How she wished it never happened in the first place

I'm sorry

I'm sorry I cant do this anymore, living day to day
I'm sorry that I'm a disgrace
I'm sorry I fell in love with you
I'm sorry that I'm boring, that I'm just bland
I'm sorry that I have scars all over my body
I'm sorry I am lame
I'm sorry that I am this way
I'm sorry I am like this
I'm sorry for saying sorry
I just can't do this anymore....

I give up on my life
The school I go to day by day
I'm just going to drop out
And go on my way
I don't care what people are going to say
I give up on this ****, I quit
I just don't care anymore
I'm done with this
I know I will become homeless
And go live on the streets
I know that I give up on everything
I give up on my family
Then my friends
I give up on ny life and want it to end So I guess ill just go ahead and **** myself
Goodbye friend

Why is this a cruel world?
With evil, guilt and sorrow?
With monsters and demons roaming around that are living inside of us?
Why must we cut our beautiful bodies to feel alive and to cut the monsters out of us?
Do drugs to feel free and to escape the reality?

I'm a foster kid as you know
With no one by my side to stay
I am alone with problems
Great...
I still cut and hide but that's what I'm good at
But let me start at the beginning
I was a gregarious kid who was witty and smart
Then came the day where it all went wrong
A CPS lady came to the house
And commotions came about
There was yelling and screaming
There were tears that were running around
And I had to pack my bags to get out
As you know I was abused in the household and was threaten here and there
But I still loved my mom for she was the only one there
But it was an unsafe
I couldn't stay
She took me away and here I am today
A sixteen year old gal who is living on her own
With no one by her side
With scars on her skin
I say "it's my fault I was taken away" but "it's for the best" they'd say
But she loves me but in reality that wasn't true
So now I hide and no more gregarious as I was before
I'm no longer smart as Im starting to fail school
I'm no longer witty cause there's no need for that anymore
I'm just useless in this world
For no longer I shall stay
For there's no reason to
For I am actually no one

Body shaking
Can't speak
Feel like screaming
Can't breath
Heart pounding
Want to get out
Heart racing
Time slowing down
Sweaty palms
Headache
Anxiety just won't break

I fake a smile so you wouldn't know what I feel
I hide my feelings so I don't have to cry
I fake being happy so you don't have to be sad
I fake everything...
Cause the real me is just a depressed little girl with no hope at all
My heart is broken that has fallen into pieces
That can not be fixed
I fake a smile a laugh even emotions
I put a mask on my face
I don't want people to see me like this
See me in the dark with no light

Yes I'm the girl who has scars on her wrists, arms and legs
But my heart has the most from the people leaving
I have emotional, mental and physical scars
I used to hide them with long sleeve shirts and skinny jeans
But people would ask why would you wear that its 90 degrees
I stopped hiding
My scars showed
But...
People stared and looked and cried...
They never knew the reason why I hid them this whole time
But now they now and now they left
I'm all alone just me and my scars

I miss when I was a kid
Feeling free with no care in the world
Just skippin along with the breeze flowing through my curly hair
doing cartwheels in the grass and picking dandelions here and there
Just smiling with no care no reason just happy

I found it!!
My wish finally came true
Happiness came to be
While the darkness was around me
The dark is getting smaller the light is getting brighter!!
God is giving me hope
I can do this
Stay positive I say
For now I can look forward and not be so down on myself
Keep your head up!!
Walk forward more into the light
I got faith now
I'm going to make my life right

I'm broken hearted
That's what I am
I'm broken from outside to within
My heart has been in pain and stabed to many times
I can't take it anymore!
I say in pain
With tears going down my face
My parents don't approve of me
My friends hate me
I'm just a failure as I can be
I hate my life
For my life hates me
So why don't I just end it and let things be?
I don't know I'm still searching for hope
But I'm starting to give up
Because hope hasn't found me

A 14 year old girl running away from home, to a older man in his 40's,
The two lived with each other, in a junkyard, with a trailer they called home,
****, *******, heroine, pills they did
Then...
She got pregnant with a girl who was me,
Unfortunately she didn't stop the use of drugs,
Somehow I survived,
With a baby in the place, things did not change,
Parties, drugs, alcohol, people came,
With an innocent baby in a messed up place, I was given drugs and touched by strangers hands in a forbidden place,
My birth to this world.

I was sleeping, then I woke up
I heard a creak at my door
I quickly put the blanket over me
But it was my dad, so I said hi
But he grabbed me and pulled me aside
I said, what, what is it daddy?
He said, hush my princess
He started rubing my back then to my skin
That's where it all begined
I thought I was getting a night rub, but it turned into something that was not right
He reached for something, in his back pocket
It was ducktape
He thrashed ontop of me
ducktaped my mouth shut
Then and there the worse thing that could posibily happen
Just happened to me

The dark has come around once again
To eat me alive to break me down
But this time...
They're bigger and stronger and know how to distroy me this time

Just look at me...
I'm a mess!!
I got cuts, scars and brusies on me...
I ruined myself with ***
I used to be very smart
Then eveything I achieved just went down the drain
And here I am today thinking of death lane
I wished I was dead
Burried deep in the ground
I'm no longer happy
I'm just allways down
My grades are falling by day
I'm just passing highschool by a string of thread
Now I drink alchol just to pass time
I'm not even living
I'm just wasting time
I don't want to fall in love
To be cared for when I'm old
To have a husband and kids to make me happy and bold
I say these things cause I'm passed the point of going back
It's too late for me
Too late

One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Here I am cutting again
Soft
Hard
Need more pressure
Let my blood draw from my skin
Let me bleed to my death and set me free with relief
Find a new spot and cut it all up
Cut up all your worthless self
And just give up

Sad, distroyed, upset I am
Pain, memories are getting stronger than they were
Monsters, demons are coming alive once again
Oh no...
Here goes to the past I once lived in...

I'm thinking bad thoughts
Thoughts about hurting my self like I did in the past
Great... It's starting
I'm in pain crying
I need help!
I'm taking to many steps back!

I want to feel the blood dripping down my arm as I scream and holler in pain!
I want to tear my skin apart and start new scars that would appear once again!
STOP!
I want to start making myself throw up like I did in the past
Not to make me skinny, but for the pain it gives me when I'm too under weight!
Please stop...
I want to do something dangerous that would put me in the hospital for months!
Please don't say it...please stop...
I want to die! Please by anything at all! I want my body all ****** and my guts to be everywhere, but it has to be a painful death!
(Crying)

I want the pain to come alive again because I deserve it...
I DESERVE IT!

My whole life I've been strucked by lightning and have always survived,
As years gone by I dug a hole to hide all that caused me pain,
They went to a locked file in my brain.

Im crippling apart, but saying everything is "PERFECT,"
I dont want to face the truth, the truth of my past that terrifies me,
I just want to pretend that nothing bad ever happened.

Situations got better, Im beyond pleased
But...
The the locked file unleashes memories,
New information comes to me.

Im being strucked down by the lightning once again, repeatedly.

The darkness is a dangerous place. It's where demons and monsters crawl into your mind, to distroy the things you build up in time, but be careful to not venture far or chaos will fall

I hate Valentines day
With all of my guts
Why should we celebrate it?
I just hate it so much

I hate seeing people in love
All up on each other
Giving their loved ones gifts and hugs
"Ugh, its disgusting" I say
Get a room for goodness sake

To be honest I wasn't allways like this...
I used to love it, with all of my heart
I used to get special things
Then one day my heart got broken
It fell into million of pieces
I was sad at then anger took in

she is crying
she is in pain but is still smiling
she wants to go away
she is suicidal
she is hurt
she is cutting
she is screaming but its silent
she is depressed
she is misunderstood
she is confused
she is ****** up
she is judged
she stressed
she is alone
she is me...

I am lonely day to day
With no one by my side to stay
Everyone just leaves me
Which is sad
I have no family but I guess that's too bad
I'm a foster kid so now you see
How I feel and how it came to be

Hope is where you start to begin
To hope for the better than the worse
To hope to have a brighter future and to live on
To actually smile than the fake ones you do everyday
Hope brings you further in life
To love
To care
To shine

I'm so numb
I cant feel
I need to know if I'm still alive
But how there's only one way
and I cant go through that path again
I cant... I shouldn't... BUT I MUST!
I grabbed a blade dugged it into my poor lifeless skin
I started to feel
I feel the pain
I feel the blood dripping
and I hear it splashing to the floor
to the puddle by my feet
I feel alive I stopped for a second
But here comes the numbness and the lifeless me again
I needed more
I cut again a I ripped my skin apart inch by inch
I felt so alive like I'm not dead that I'm actually living

I'm in the dark with just little light I'm scared and sad with many frights I'd've been down here for so how long it's been days and months to years to come I have no family nor do I have friends it's just me with these monsters in my head the monsters are mean they tell me to do things they tell me to cut one two three they say the have I be deep deeper than the blue sea they want to see me bleed I looked down at my stained red feet I want to stop but they want more so I guess I'll be gone it doesn't matter because I have no one I'm in the dark with just little light I'm scared and sad with many frights

I stand on this bridge facing my death to end this agony and pain to fly away to the heavens above to feel happy and free again I don't want the darkness to surround me I want light and joy and shine but I can't have those things down here on earth so I must take a step a forth to fly
I'm falling and falling till everything goes black I wake up to an angle all dressed in white I feel something thumping on my chest  a heartbeat I got one at last then something changed inside of me a relief of happiness came to be my frown went upside down with my teeth shinning so bright  with a relief and a sigh and giggles started to come out

I'm like a dead flower
With my petals falling off
With no water or sun to keep me alive
For I am dead with no love
I'm in despair with a broken heart
That can't be fixed
Once a flowers petals fall off they can't be put back on

You don't know what I've been through
Te childhood I had
How much I hate myself
What I do to myself When I'm alone
How much I want to give up...
How tired and how hurt my heart is
How much I cry at night
How much I want to die...
I'm slowly giving up on life I have left
And If you could read my mind everyday you'll be in tears
The only thing I'm good at is hiding
For me its like walking through a dark hallway with little light not knowing where it will end and when you'll reach happiness

He hits me here and there leaving bruises left and right
he does these things day and night
He is coerce with me
Making me do things I don't like
I cry myself to sleep with the pain erupting in my heart
I was in love with this boy but he turned into a monstrous man
I can't no longer be with this guy
Or I'm going to die

Finding hope isn't easy
Falling in love is
Breaking someone's heart is simple
But finding strength is not

day after day
my sadness became anger
my smile became a frown
the pain started erupting
I got more stress
tears filling my eyes as my mind grows wild
I got into drugs to just pass me by
my happiness turned into a depression
as I wanted to die

You think you know me
But you don't
You think I'm allways happy
But I'm not
You think I'm a amazing person
That's false
You think I'm pretty
Your wrong
You think I don't hurt myself
Well I do
You think you know me
But you dont

She sat alone in her room
Her screams are silent
but her mind is very violent
Her insecurities are mean
and they eat her alive
A tear rolled down her face
And her heart started to race
She grabbed a blade took it to her skin
She cut deep where her depression lives
It went on for days, months and years
Until one day she cried and said she had enough
This world is to tough
She took a gun to her head so congratulation society she is dead

Sad
That's what I am
I'm constantly sad
With no reasons to be
I'm sad here and there
With tears filling my eyes
I have no reason to be down
But that's how I feel inside
I wish I could be happy
With my life
But I am not as you can see
I wish I could be happy for once
For happy deserves me
But apparently it doesn't
I'm still sad and depressed
I still have a frown and I'm still upset
My sadness becomes stronger when days go by
My sadness took over my entire life
I have no motivation
To do anything
I just want to give up

She just lays there motionless
With her boyfriend by her side
She just lays there and wants to cry
All that she is thinking about is suicide

Shes screaming
Shes yelling
Shes in pain
Her heart is broken
Shes torn into pieces
She cant fix herself
She started getting into fights
Then cutting then to drugs
Next comes death corner
She comes home with agony and guilt and sorrow
she goes to her room with tears in her swollen eyes
Grabs a chair and a belt to go with it
wraps it around her little neck
She fell off the chair and just hanged
she struggled at first cause of the pain
but soon the pain washed away
and she is sleeping
so goodnight
sleep tight

Im in the dark with just little light
Im scared and sad with many frights
Ive been down here for so how long
Its been days and weeks
I  have no family nor friends
Its just me with these monsters in my head
The monsters are mean
They tell me to do things
They tell me to cut one two three
They say they have to be deep deeper than the sea
They want to see blood
They want to see me bleed
I looked down by my red stained feet
and notice I made a pool of my own blood
I wanted to stop but they want more
So i guess ill be gone but it doesn't matter cause I have no one
Im just in the dark with just little light with monsters in my head

I'm trying to scream
But nothing comes out
I'm in pain but no-one is about
I'm lost in my world of sorrow and guilt
And all I want is to get out of the darkness
But I'm stuck here with just little light
The demons and monsters are coming
They are telling me things to do
I cant even forget about...
I cant take it anymore...
Its time for me to give in, to give up
Do what they say
I took this **** thing I pooped it in my mouth
I put one in then two three four five
Then everything gets dizzy and I faint
I wake up and I'm surrounded by them
They tell me to take something else
I do it once twice even more than three times
I get higher and higher
I start forgetting everything
Now I'm in my own world with colors and spirals and even butterfly's
When I forgot everything I felt happy
I'm free its a whole new me
But while I take more of this it leads me down the path no-one wants to go
It leads to hell
They want me to forget what actually happening
I stop and I realized whats going on...

I have a lot in my life that I care about so
but I hate my life still as I did long ago
I'm still insecure
a worthless person you should say
I wish I could end my life and fade away

I want to die
End this pain and agony
But My demons know how to swim
Why cant they drown and take me with them
This world doesn't need me
I'm boring and I'm lifeless
I need to drown and end this all
End all of this
End me...

I know how to give
Not because I have much
I just know how it feels to have nothing