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lillian Mar 2013
climbing up the stairs, into the sky
i can see a vast body of water below me, far below
he and i are climbing, he is young and scared he will fall through the stairs
the stairs are slippery, the wind is strong
i tell him it's okay but i'm scared too
i'm so scared.
i can feel myself slipping through
i release my grip and fall
i fall fast
"stop yourself when you feel safe"
i stop myself and i am just above the surface of the water
i look up and see the dock - a man is standing at the edge, staring at me
a crowd forms, i am hanging by a rope
i try to swim frantically to the shore and i see a floating ladder
i swim to the ladder, i climb to the top
"take this"
he throws a black inflatable at me
i fall off the ladder, i'm underwater
the coldness stings my nostrils and lungs
i come to the surface and the crowd is staring at me, laughing
"i said take this"
he throws the black inflatable at me again
i grab it and swim towards the dock
i see him and i miss him, need him
noise fills my head
and i'm awake
lillian Nov 2010
Now look here
You’ve left me with nothing else to say
I’m here, my arms outstretched, my body curled and aching
There are no unspoken promises
No feelings left unfelt
You have undressed my heart
Made love to my soul
I watch the perfect curves of your mouth
As they sing the songs of love that I’ve heard
But never listened
Never believed
Until I felt the melody
Humming deep inside of me
This is love this is what it means how it feels to be loved
Love
Like being in a comfortable daze
Perfectly happily hungrily
No matter how much you give me I want so much more
The second that you turn away
I feel lost
Comfortably lost
I close my eyes and there is a thick blanket of darkness
Nothing else, not even pain
It is love but it feels like I am going to cry forever, without tear drops
It is love but it feels like I have just woken up
Living in a cocoon of memories that are fading and almost gone
I miss it but soon I’ll forget
Because I live this dream every day
When I think of you and see your smiling face
Precious and beautiful
You are
lillian Mar 2012
the sun is rising through the cracks in the shutters
the sky is purple and yellow and blue
i'm so tired that i'm shivering
sweating
pain in my stomach, pain in my back
my forehead is against your shoulder and i wonder if you're asleep
i feel frustrated
why has the day begun so soon?
i close my eyes again and match my breath to yours
i wish you were awake too
i'm lonely


fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck there are so many ******* people in this ******* world and i can hear them outside and in my head and on the other side of this paper thin wall. so many ******* sounds and i wish they would all drown or i would drown or anything to make them stop. I am watching you sleep and I ******* hate you because you see and hear nothing. you're so far away and so beautiful. I miss you.so many of us consuming the rotting flesh of the planet every second of our lives feasting and gorging and yet none of us even exist and nothing is important and everybody dies anyways
lillian Nov 2011
i'll never forget that.
the darkness, the silhouette of your large, hulking body illuminated by the screen
the tangled sheets, a mess at the center of your bed
shivering
my clothes on the floor
afraid
your voice
quivering with tears and rage
growing louder, hurting my head
wishing i could cover my ears and eyes, shrink into dust and get swept away
your expression, that of a wild and exotic animal
fascinating
but i was so scared of you
crawling on the cold floor towards my jeans
like treading through water, my legs made of lead
you screamed and screamed NOBODY HAS EVER HURT ME AS MUCH AS YOU HAVE
i cried
hysterical sobs and trembling hands
you stare at me, breathing noisily
and your eyes are so filled with painful and seething hatred, but they plead with me
please don't cry. please, please.
"this whole thing was a mistake"
slipping between the small crack in the door and into the thin air of the early morning
nothing is the same
lillian Mar 2013
Driving away from the city lights
I watch them as they disappear and I'm wringing my cold, damp hands between my knees
Loud music and the sound of your voice, rising and falling
I have longed for you, for this, for so long
It's finally here now
Suddenly I can't breathe
The long drive to your house I had almost forgotten
what this was like
being so ******* happy I could cry. so exhausting!
I had almost forgotten what it was like to let everything go
become consumed by this secret universe that is you and me, the two of us
Escaping. Going so fast, so far away
escaping with you
You are so beautiful and it breaks my heart
I want to hold onto you so TIGHT I want to take away your hurt
I feel your hurt so much
Reaching for your hand, fitting the pieces back together
you have hurt me
I told myself no no no no no just leave me alone just go the **** away
abandoned
I am so afraid to let you in again
but you give me this feeling I can't explain
I can't get enough of
I want to show you the world I want you to tell me your every thought your every memory
falling fast
now it all makes sense
lillian Jan 2011
He told me I was precious
I ran a finger nail across his collarbone
And he was on his elbows, kissing the flesh above my jeans
His eyes sank into me like an anchor in the ocean
Yeah
Is what I wanted to say.
Instead I said nothing and let my eyelids collapse
And felt that moment
Felt it
The sun setting and the sounds streaming from the speaker
The voice
Singing the same words I listened to yesterday
Singing cheer me on cheer me on cheer me on cheer me on
And we are lying side by side
My eyes are growing
You tell me you can’t believe it
And I smile and let you in
Because this is the closest I’ll ever get to trust
And love
And lust
A flame under the bed
lillian Apr 2013
hands gripping the icy cold steering wheel
so hard my palms are numb
passing the bus stop, the street we used to take to get to your house
my chest gets tight
my breath shallow
a white, painful hurt in my heart
a harsh stab of pleasure between my legs
I ******* miss you
the way you made me feel - so naive
never understanding you
trying endlessly to please you
driving I'm driving
thinking of your face and your eyes
your sharp, rough fingernails digging into my waist
wincing with pain
long, stumbling walks in the dark
the knives in your pockets
the summer
the time you lost your mind
I ******* want it back, I'd take you back
Please just please tell me you remember
the light changes and I accelerate
leave the familiar street behind, leave you behind
A beautiful, terrible memory.
smaller smaller smaller
goodbye
lillian Feb 2012
curled inside your arms
in the hard and unforgiving porcelain tub
dimmed lights
loud, shrieking voices past the locked bathroom door
I feel so safe with you

you look at me with your calm and bloodshot eyes
drooping eyelids and lazy smile
I lie against you and pretend to sleep
you say you're so amazing
my heart beat slows
my socks absorb a pool of lukewarm water
I am healing
lillian Nov 2010
I love the way it looks, the flickering lights licking your cheeks
I love the greens and the golds, embracing each other around the window frame
I love your smile, and your warm hand on the nape of my neck
I love the way it feels to go back in time
I love my name on your lips, smooth and sweet like sugar melting on your tongue
I love it when you say I’m staying
I love it when you laugh
I love cupping my hands around our eyes and making a secret universe
I love never knowing when I’ll see you again
I love hearing your voice quaver with so much truth
I love falling asleep in your fleece
I love red lights in the night time
I love walking in the cold with my hand in your pocket
I love this nothingness
I love you
I love the lingering smells on my pillow
I love that you think I’m smart
I love your little messages
I love giving you everything that I have
I love lacing fingers, locking hands
I love the space in my heart for you and feeling it grow every single day
I love closing my eyes and trusting you
I love everything
I love this
I love what you have given to me
I won’t let it go
I promise
lillian May 2013
sunny days that make your eyes/heart ache
damp, sticky nights
lying in your bed
finally this is happening
my stomach, tight as a clenched fist
cold sweats and shallow breathing
watching you and I'm mesmerized
crawling to you, so weak and helpless
blissful ignorance
so easy to take my clothes off
with your eyes coaxing me
the dim lights, comfort in the loud, thumping beat
your hands - urgent, gentle
tugging, squeezing, stroking
the raw, delicious feeling in my groin, needing you
such a powerful attraction, I could cry
I'm crying
why/how do you do this to me
STOP
I just want to run away from you and never look back
just let me be. I can never be
without you
lillian Dec 2011
there are five of us, shivering at the side of the house
passing two joints around
raindrops floating to the ground like tiny stones
fading into my clothes, illuminating the ends of your hair
you hold the glowing joint to my lips
I close my eyes, pull hard
your face becomes lost in my smoke and I laugh
we all laugh
your arms are so tight around my shoulders, your calloused fingertips on my back
im so happy
you draw in December air
My lips around your open mouth, stealing your smoke
You smile at me with your glittery, hopeful eyes
*come, come with me
lillian Dec 2011
there are five of us, shivering at the side of the house
passing two joints around
raindrops floating to the ground like tiny stones
fading into my clothes, illuminating the ends of your hair
you hold the glowing joint to my lips
I close my eyes, pull hard
your face becomes lost in my smoke and I laugh
we all laugh
your arms are so tight around my shoulders, your calloused fingertips on my back
im so happy
you draw in December air
My lips around your open mouth, stealing your smoke
You smile at me with your glittery, hopeful eyes
*come, come with me
lillian Jun 2011
It was dark in the back seat of the car. The cold metal of the drum set was digging into my ribs, the midnight April air floating through my hair, into the hole in my jeans. He looked back at me, his eyes reflecting the glimmering strings of lights. He was smiling. The music made my eyes lower, the low and chipping buildings in the market becoming a blur. I drift into a dreamy rest, open my eyes and I’m looking into the eyes of a stranger. The city is busy, there is noise. The air feels wet and I want to reach my arm through the hole in the roof. We pass the corner I know so well, the wall I’ve leaned up against cold and drunk so many nights. I will never forget. It is not as empty as I remember now, people run across the streets and the diner is lit and the seats are taken. The sun is gone and the moon is making a curved shape in the balmy sky. There are no stars, just clouds and smog and street lights. I hear him talking but don’t lean closer to listen. He talks with his hands, he is happy.

Hours ago, we sat in the leather seats at the Back Alley. It is late at night; the People give us strange looks. Do they know something that we don’t? It doesn’t matter because we share our own secret. You sat next to me, feeding me with your other arm around my waist. Everyone disappears and it was just you and me. I felt so sad, and you didn’t know why. I told you I needed to cry, and your heart sank because you can never understand. You are frustrated. Nothing is right.

I’m so sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. You don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve you.
lillian Jan 2013
The leather boots I had to break in,
Rubbing my skin raw
The skirt I was wearing,
was too short. My legs got cold on that night in late April
I was so mad at you I hate hate hated you
Saw you looking at her and suddenly I
put it all together
My heart hardened in my chest,
a pebble
Wanted to cry when you hugged her, smiled at her
Then I pinned you against the bathroom wall and I
told you that I saw it all
The look of hurt on your face, you slammed your drink on the countertop
I followed you onto the bus and then you
held my head in your hands, a fistful of my hair
so hard
I finally cried that night in your bed
silent tears while you slept
squinting at the empty street until it became nothing
but a blur
a million miles away
lillian Aug 2010
Naïveté
She thought she understood the world because she was in love. Here, her future lies before her, picture perfect and happily ever after.

Stupid girl.
She thought that love meant abandonment; she left her whole life behind and followed him wherever he chose to take her. She thought love meant obedience; she smiled silently as his words burned into her mind. You don’t need anything, I’ll give you everything. She watched life pass her by. She thought love meant forever; stupid girl, nothing is forever.

Nothing
Is what became of love as she knew it. He left her, and she fell to her knees and cried because she felt broken. He walked away, told her she needed to grow up. She was so small. She tried to apologize, to follow him and hold him tight until he threw her away. This is for the best. But love is for always, forever!

Forever does not exist
She felt pain until the sun set on the summer, until the leaves floated from the trees. But she has grown, grown and woken up. She’s free and she gets into danger, runs and lives on the run, on the fly. She follows her heart.

Now, she is strong
She is smart. She knows to never love that way again, to never put her whole heart into anything again. She will not be broken again. She tore away from pain; she left it far behind her. Look at the way she smiles as if she’s never been told that she’s not loved anymore. Look at the way she smiles as if she’s never had to start over, forget her past, and free herself.

And I’m so proud of her
lillian Sep 2011
I sat on the edge of my bed and stared at the earth disintegrating. He was saying something but I registered none of it, and felt my brain vibrating and my lungs stinging. Everything was sideways, up side down and backwards. Nothing made sense and it didn’t need to make sense because I was far from understanding, far from earth and my life and the universe, like a dream.
“What do you see, Lilly?”
I fell to the ground and rolled in the carpet. Colors and sounds were all white noise and space. I reached for his hand and I held it in mine but it felt like needles and I thought I was going to bleed. I’M BLEEDING. I look down at my hands, but they don’t feel like my hands. I stand up, and I sit down. I want to laugh but laughing means nothing and I am falling into a hole of swirling sights and feelings.
“How was that?”
I begin to land on the earth again. What the **** just happened? I ask him, but his words mean nothing. Am I still bleeding? I ask him again, and I forget to listen. I watch his mouth move and I feel scared. I feel like I have been gone for hours and days. I want to ask him again but I am aware that it would be the third time, so I sit quietly and I feel the bugs biting and tearing under my skin.
“How do you feel?”
I look at the shadow on the wall. I wonder if it will get big enough to swallow me whole
lillian Oct 2010
Life moves so fast I can’t stop to think a second, just to take it in and let it sink and become reality. We are moving in a single frame, running between bodies, our hearts laced. You watch me watching you and the sweet, pulsing, bursting excitement in our souls, growing every new sunset towards the day we are released, set free. Hold my hand and pull me into the sky with you. My legs are carrying me across freeways and through tall fields of grass, my brain rattles in its cage. Floating, gliding body take control! Tell me where I’m going, who has pulled me here? I’ve repeated his words again and again inside. Are they clear yet? He coaxes me into his dreams, into a secret place where the sun rises later, the rain falls longer, the air stays sweeter, where we can be together and alone. The evening lights blur together and I’m sinking. He heats me like a fire in the twilight, ignites me like spiralling sparks, like neon flies. Kisses me like I’ve never been hurt, like he knows exactly how he is making me feel. He runs and I chase him sometimes, he stops just before I can catch him sometimes. He will let me fall into him, feeling me just to make sure it’s all real. Everything is real. Too fast, too crazy, too sweet to be real. But I can feel you, you can feel me too. So we live the reality until the magic runs thin.
lillian Aug 2012
something about it was strange
the way you looked at me
so pensive. perplexed. curious. concerned.
hurt.
is something wrong?
as you drew back, away from me
the shifting weight of your body on top of mine, hot and damp with your sweat
i don't know
you smiled and something in your smile revealed a side of you i have never seen before
let me take care of you
is what you said as you slid your finger inside of me
it felt sharp and painful
why do i feel so far away from you right now?
is what i asked myself and i crossed my arms over my ******* and it confused you, hurt you
i want you
i tried to kiss you but my thoughts were racing
i am so tired
the flickering glow of the candle above your bed gave me solace
i turned my face up towards its light
it was so dark in your bedroom but your face was glowing, smiling at me
i am so sorry, baby
i wish i could tell you why
lillian Oct 2012
i never want you to forget the day we went to the beach last summer. The sun was setting and we shared your towel on the sand. Snuggled in our favourite way like we were the only people on earth. And then we listened to your iPod together. To the song that makes me cry. You were singing and I was laughing but then we were quiet and we just listened. I was so in love with you that day. I cut my foot on a rock and it hurt so bad. It bled and you were worried. You put a Band-Aid over it and I held onto your shoulder. We walked to Lick's but walking was hard but I didn't care. I was so happy. So in love with you that day. We ate our burgers on the second floor and I told you I thought I looked ugly. You held my hands in your hands and you stared into my eyes until my cheeks turned red. Until I smiled. I looked out of the window. The view was so beautiful. We stayed on the streetcar until it was dark outside. I held my arm out and felt the breeze. We talked about all of the places we wanted to go someday. How I always wanted to be by the beach. Never go home. Never leave you. You had your arm around me. Almost, I fell asleep. Such a warm feeling in my heart. Almost, I wanted to hug you so tight and cry. Tell you that you are everything. You have given me everything I could ever want. Instead I watched the world pass us by. The low brick buildings and the neon lights. Languages I will never understand. That day will always be with me. I will never forget. Please never forget. So we can hold onto it and share it with each other when things aren't so right.

Don't let go of it
I love you
lillian Nov 2013
you're so cool
far away. "off the grid"
sometimes I feel like I have you so close that you'll never leave (again)
your sweet face I just want to cup it in my palms and kiss
I want to make you smile
the expression on your face when I catch you looking at me, sometimes
so sweet
when we lie in your bed together
the mattress on the floor - the cold air, the screams, footsteps, whirring of car tires. wafting through your open window.
the barely audible whisper in my ear when you **** me
it makes me want to scream
my name dripping from your mouth like drool
I hold you so tight.
you lay back and told me why you couldn't speak to me
it was all happening too fast
I wanted to say just let it ******* happen
and I wanted to say that it hurt me
worse than I made it seem
and I wanted to say this:
*if you do it again I'll shut you out. and that'll be the end
lillian Oct 2010
It is always dark outside when I see your face
Your wide eyes glisten against the moon
I keep my hands folded, my ankles crossed
My body twitches in confusion
Time passes and I ease into a comfortable, careful state
The first time you kiss me is always the sweetest
Never lasts long, but drowns out the sound of car tires and fluctuating voices if only for a moment
I search for signs in the way you brush an arm against my back
Signs of what I can’t expect
Signs of what I want to expect
Staring into you as long as I can, until my gaze shifts past you
You toy with me; tease me as if this is a game.
As if I am a game.
We walk together
You talk to me, I talk to the sidewalk
You make me want to burst
Something about the way that you never seem to care in the way everyone else would
If I stood up and walked away, you wouldn’t come after me
Something about that frustrates me, but makes me want to stay
Never go home
I know I should let it go, let it fade into unfulfilled memories
Before I hurt
I know that every step I take will pull me down
I know that
But I listen beyond a melody, to the mumbling verses I can’t yet understand
For signs
I’m always searching for signs
lillian Oct 2012
sometimes there are these places in my head
I can see them so clearly just like the raindrops on my windowpane
they are faraway places
they remind me of a time that never existed
and I know that if I find these places
that is when I will be happy
that is when I will find home
I see flat, grey buildings overlooking empty roads
the sky is the brightest shade of blue and it makes your eyes hurt, your heart hurt
flapping clotheslines
I want to run to this place as fast as I can
I want to close my eyes and be small again
see nothing, know nothing except what is right here, right now
I see this place and almost
it feels like I am there right now
and I can hear the steel guitar and the faraway traffic sounds
my home, my childhood home
nobody understands
lillian Oct 2010
I watched it unfold, watched our beautiful creation fall apart in a second, a wall crumble down.
The whole world stopped and I became silent, frantic.
Hold on, do not fall apart.
He reached for me, tried to see my eyes but I didn’t look up I was so sad
Afraid
Oh God, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Please…
He fell back
I watched him drown
I know it’s not your fault, but look at what you’ve done
Now I am trembling
Hurting
He pulled me into him, kissed me until I was comfortably sedated
His words are morphine
I feel them in my blood, in my limbs, veins vibrating
Forever I will consume
A slave to this restless hunger
This precious, fragile love that I hold so tight in my fists
But now I lie here in this nest of fabric and skin
And this small place inside of me is crying
Just let me forget
And feel numb
Nothingness
*Please.
lillian Oct 2010
I hear the sound
Pain
Disguised with thin sighs of pleasure
It is an angry sound
Pent up rage
Sadness
Excitement
Never stopping once but its hurting so bad but there is no rest
These things don’t last
They never do
I try not to smile because I know it is almost over
The night is ending
I lie in your lap and let it go
Until you can’t focus
I plead with you but I am silent
I wish that you’d understand
Don’t go yet, you told me you would be there this time.
You said.
The dull sound on the other end of this conversation
Leaves me with trembling wrists
Confusion
Doubt
Confusion
Resentment
ANGER BECAUSE I CAN’T UNDERSTAND THIS AT ALL
Tell me why you must still play this game.
Or drain me
Until there is nothing left here
lillian Jan 2012
the sun is going down again
in the backseat of your car, I'm watching it disappear behind the trees
frosted windows
your hands are like warm water over my cold and rigid bones
warmth
the sweet, growing smile that wakes me up every morning
I kiss it and feel myself begin to melt
sh...
the secret that I'm hiding inside the deepest place in my heart
you know, the one that changed my life
and that I'll keep so safe for you
because it makes me feel like I'm at home with you
even when I'm sick and shivering in the early morning darkness
the moment I feel your eyes on me
I have never ever been so happy

time makes me hurt
when I remember that so much of it has passed
please don't let go of me
please
when I'm with you, life is in slow motion and the lights and sounds fade like I'm in a dream
But I'm so awake
let's keep each other awake
so that time is never lost
I love you too much to lose a single moment

— The End —