you're so cool
far away. "off the grid"
sometimes I feel like I have you so close that you'll never leave (again)
your sweet face I just want to cup it in my palms and kiss
I want to make you smile
the expression on your face when I catch you looking at me, sometimes
so sweet
when we lie in your bed together
the mattress on the floor - the cold air, the screams, footsteps, whirring of car tires. wafting through your open window.
the barely audible whisper in my ear when you **** me
it makes me want to scream
my name dripping from your mouth like drool
I hold you so tight.
you lay back and told me why you couldn't speak to me
it was all happening too fast
I wanted to say just let it ******* happen
and I wanted to say that it hurt me
worse than I made it seem
and I wanted to say this:
*if you do it again I'll shut you out. and that'll be the end

sunny days that make your eyes/heart ache
damp, sticky nights
lying in your bed
finally this is happening
my stomach, tight as a clenched fist
cold sweats and shallow breathing
watching you and I'm mesmerized
crawling to you, so weak and helpless
blissful ignorance
so easy to take my clothes off
with your eyes coaxing me
the dim lights, comfort in the loud, thumping beat
your hands - urgent, gentle
tugging, squeezing, stroking
the raw, delicious feeling in my groin, needing you
such a powerful attraction, I could cry
I'm crying
why/how do you do this to me
STOP
I just want to run away from you and never look back
just let me be. I can never be
without you

hands gripping the icy cold steering wheel
so hard my palms are numb
passing the bus stop, the street we used to take to get to your house
my chest gets tight
my breath shallow
a white, painful hurt in my heart
a harsh stab of pleasure between my legs
I ******* miss you
the way you made me feel - so naive
never understanding you
trying endlessly to please you
driving I'm driving
thinking of your face and your eyes
your sharp, rough fingernails digging into my waist
wincing with pain
long, stumbling walks in the dark
the knives in your pockets
the summer
the time you lost your mind
I ******* want it back, I'd take you back
Please just please tell me you remember
the light changes and I accelerate
leave the familiar street behind, leave you behind
A beautiful, terrible memory.
smaller smaller smaller
goodbye

climbing up the stairs, into the sky
i can see a vast body of water below me, far below
he and i are climbing, he is young and scared he will fall through the stairs
the stairs are slippery, the wind is strong
i tell him it's okay but i'm scared too
i'm so scared.
i can feel myself slipping through
i release my grip and fall
i fall fast
"stop yourself when you feel safe"
i stop myself and i am just above the surface of the water
i look up and see the dock - a man is standing at the edge, staring at me
a crowd forms, i am hanging by a rope
i try to swim frantically to the shore and i see a floating ladder
i swim to the ladder, i climb to the top
"take this"
he throws a black inflatable at me
i fall off the ladder, i'm underwater
the coldness stings my nostrils and lungs
i come to the surface and the crowd is staring at me, laughing
"i said take this"
he throws the black inflatable at me again
i grab it and swim towards the dock
i see him and i miss him, need him
noise fills my head
and i'm awake

Driving away from the city lights
I watch them as they disappear and I'm wringing my cold, damp hands between my knees
Loud music and the sound of your voice, rising and falling
I have longed for you, for this, for so long
It's finally here now
Suddenly I can't breathe
The long drive to your house I had almost forgotten
what this was like
being so ******* happy I could cry. so exhausting!
I had almost forgotten what it was like to let everything go
become consumed by this secret universe that is you and me, the two of us
Escaping. Going so fast, so far away
escaping with you
You are so beautiful and it breaks my heart
I want to hold onto you so TIGHT I want to take away your hurt
I feel your hurt so much
Reaching for your hand, fitting the pieces back together
you have hurt me
I told myself no no no no no just leave me alone just go the **** away
abandoned
I am so afraid to let you in again
but you give me this feeling I can't explain
I can't get enough of
I want to show you the world I want you to tell me your every thought your every memory
falling fast
now it all makes sense

The leather boots I had to break in,
Rubbing my skin raw
The skirt I was wearing,
was too short. My legs got cold on that night in late April
I was so mad at you I hate hate hated you
Saw you looking at her and suddenly I
put it all together
My heart hardened in my chest,
a pebble
Wanted to cry when you hugged her, smiled at her
Then I pinned you against the bathroom wall and I
told you that I saw it all
The look of hurt on your face, you slammed your drink on the countertop
I followed you onto the bus and then you
held my head in your hands, a fistful of my hair
so hard
I finally cried that night in your bed
silent tears while you slept
squinting at the empty street until it became nothing
but a blur
a million miles away

i never want you to forget the day we went to the beach last summer. The sun was setting and we shared your towel on the sand. Snuggled in our favourite way like we were the only people on earth. And then we listened to your iPod together. To the song that makes me cry. You were singing and I was laughing but then we were quiet and we just listened. I was so in love with you that day. I cut my foot on a rock and it hurt so bad. It bled and you were worried. You put a Band-Aid over it and I held onto your shoulder. We walked to Lick's but walking was hard but I didn't care. I was so happy. So in love with you that day. We ate our burgers on the second floor and I told you I thought I looked ugly. You held my hands in your hands and you stared into my eyes until my cheeks turned red. Until I smiled. I looked out of the window. The view was so beautiful. We stayed on the streetcar until it was dark outside. I held my arm out and felt the breeze. We talked about all of the places we wanted to go someday. How I always wanted to be by the beach. Never go home. Never leave you. You had your arm around me. Almost, I fell asleep. Such a warm feeling in my heart. Almost, I wanted to hug you so tight and cry. Tell you that you are everything. You have given me everything I could ever want. Instead I watched the world pass us by. The low brick buildings and the neon lights. Languages I will never understand. That day will always be with me. I will never forget. Please never forget. So we can hold onto it and share it with each other when things aren't so right.

Don't let go of it
I love you