I feel so weak
When I eat
I feel so weak
When I bite
I feel so weak
But I cant stop the cycle
I feel so weak
But I binge and I binge
I feel so weak
But I eat until there’s nothing left.

Nothing left—
And my stomach aches with fullness
And I long to be empty
Like the new morn
And wallow in my thoughts
And dance on the edges of my bones.

But that I did days before
Has just been undone
In mere seconds
Because I’ve eaten my weight
In candies and chips
And unnecessary tastes
That I don’t need on my plate.

But my out-of-mind state continues to fools me
And I munch until I’m sick
And stripped of my desire
And all my work becomes dust
And my loss becomes gain
And my effort becomes mist
And I’m left to begin again.

Why do I lack the precious self control?
The will to say ‘no thank you’
In the face of a sweet
Or a meat or a snack.
How do I gain the precious self control?
The force to be strict
In the face of temptation
Or a growling stomach.

all of this confusion—
all of this  delusion—
the figure in the mirror—
the expectations in the frame

The bones to be blind and sharp—
Like jagged edges on cracked stone—
Like broken feelings and weak minds

The eyes to be empty—
The smile a smirk—
The lips to never part at mealtimes

To deceive the loved ones—
To bury their souls with your skinny leftovers
Once the disease seeps from your brain

But the longing to be delicate—
Fragile—
The longing to cry for help in quiet woods---
With no one to hear your truth

So what can you do but suffer
Let your thoughts take over—
Enjoy the ride—
This path is a one way street—
A flowing motion—
To the rest of this life

So spend every day trying to please the voice—
The voice is your purpose—
Your suffice

So stop winning—
Start losing

~~

like a fire that consumes all before it—
I melt away with the wind
I am so delicate—
The slow lap of waves breaks me—
And pulls me into the sea—
Deeper and deeper—

all of this confusion—
all of this  delusion—
the figure in the mirror—
the expectations in the frame

The bones to be blind and sharp—
Like jagged edges on cracked stone—
Like broken feelings and weak minds

The eyes to be empty—
The smile a smirk—
The lips to never part at mealtimes

To deceive the loved ones—
To bury their souls with your skinny leftovers
Once the disease seeps from your brain

But the longing to be delicate—
Fragile—
The longing to cry for help in quiet woods---
With no one to hear your truth

So what can you do but suffer
Let your thoughts take over—
Enjoy the ride—
This path is a one way street—
A flowing motion—
To the rest of this life

So spend every day trying to please the voice—
The voice is your purpose—
Your suffice

So stop winning—
Start losing

~~

like a fire that consumes all before it—
I melt away with the wind
I am so delicate—
The slow lap of waves breaks me—
And pulls me into the sea—
Deeper and deeper—

all of this confusion—
all of this  delusion—
the figure in the mirror—
the expectations in the frame

The bones to be blind and sharp—
Like jagged edges on cracked stone—
Like broken feelings and weak minds

The eyes to be empty—
The smile a smirk—
The lips to never part at mealtimes

To deceive the loved ones—
To bury their souls with your skinny leftovers
Once the disease seeps from your brain

But the longing to be delicate—
Fragile—
The longing to cry for help in quiet woods---
With no one to hear your truth

So what can you do but suffer
Let your thoughts take over—
Enjoy the ride—
This path is a one way street—
A flowing motion—
To the rest of this life

So spend every day trying to please the voice—
The voice is your purpose—
Your suffice

So stop winning—
Start losing

~~

like a fire that consumes all before it—
I melt away with the wind
I am so delicate—
The slow lap of waves breaks me—
And pulls me into the sea—
Deeper and deeper—

But yet companionship
Does not promise a cure
To loneliness—
And food does not
Promise a cure
To hunger—
And blood
Does not promise a cure
To pain—

While buried in sin—
Reluctant to give in—
Answers come from within

~~
it’s a shame what I seek
I cannot achieve—

perfection

~~
if there’s more to life
why don’t I see it—
if there’s more to experience
why don’t I feel it—
why am I blind—
why am I numb—

the pale rays of sunshine
leaking through the window
on promising mornings
no longer curl my lips into a smile—
instead I awaken sad and alone—
“another day still? Another day?”

I am a hollow being
With no soul inside—
I ceased to be living
When I succumbed to my mind

~~

I must display my bones
To the world—so they see
What’s so very much a part of me.
To display my canvas—my thoughts—
So they can be taught—
So I will be skinny

~~

a life without pain
is a body without a heart

A newfound driver
And I'm finding
That if each car stays
In their lane,
It's smooth sailing
All the way home

It's when tires
Blur the lines between
What is yours and
What is mine
That it starts to get messy

So as a human being
It is simple to stick
To your own path,
Keep to yourself,
Stay inside the lines

But when you're changing lanes,
Shifting mindsets,
Shifting lives,
Cars and people weaving
In and out of your future,
You must keep a close eye on
The road in front of your bumper

To not stray to one side
Over the other,
To not drift into obsession
Over another,
To always keep your focus
On what is ahead of you

i feel faint.
actually i feel the solid parts of myself seem to be
dripping away;
a dog could lap my sanity off the floor.

someone really fainting
could wash their hair in my skin;
someone scared
could slip in me and fall to who knows where.

"hey cathy it's dan"
they are solid, also known as
not fainting.

in a cafe in oklahoma! surprise!
are they home there with each other?
well it is known...they are known.
we are not.
we are faint: some
glimmer on the pearls of her teeth.

disappearing.
someone wearing cowboy boots
has never ridden a horse...
how is it the world has come to
this?
sad, fainting

everything boiling in simmering water
everything good boiling
everything good is leaving home
for the coast of faint stardom
faintly singing stars...
among them
she has a humble heart.

somewhere, God paints a figure
painting a figure -
up on a podium
is a new heart -
it is small.
faintest heart beat.

an even fainter kiss,
goodbye.

is that faint wave in the distance
really
a good-bye?

the sharp cut of the ink
temporarily tattoos
the A into my palm

“A”
for awake,
not lying in a cocoon
of blankets and pillows
but up and about
throughout the day;
awake

“A”
for alive,
with a readable pulse
and a flush
to the cheeks—
able to move, to speak;
alive

the thin drawn line
of the tip to skin
form the capital letter A
traced into the usual
clean canvas
of my inner hand,

laced with meaning,
singed with regret
flaming in the ashes
of how I remember things to be

awake, alive,
asleep, abandoned,

dead

So why is school, life
And life, school

Born for elementary
To learn to count the numbers,
Memorize the letters of the alphabet
And work the way up to the
Table
Stacked with multiplication
Problems

Just to climb to
Middle school
With ****** little
*******—
Their prissy little
Cliques—
That make or break you,
Decide your fate

And high school
Tries to even out the awkwardness,
With the cloud of the
Future
Hanging over your head
And still studying
For what, well,
You’re not quite sure

To grow up:
End up working at
A job that
Churns your stomach;
Curls your extended fingers and
Stretched palms
Into fists

To walk on with an
Empty face
And stare into the eyes of many
Empty
People, trudging along
With the same education
As you.

I like not speaking for a while—
Just serene silence in my room

A quiet so present you can feel it in the air
Hear the slow hum of nothingness—

Alone

let me be with you
like it was always meant to be--
like the waves
must nudge the shoreline between
each breath
to flow out smoothly and
return again;
recharge
again
and with your
breath
comes my
life force
like the moon pulls
the lapping water
from serenity to storm
and in the eye comes
calmness
and in your eyes comes
peace
like the balance of
night and day:
the circular rotation of
sun and moon
creates the energy
that created you
and you being another
glory
kissing gently at
my toes,
rubbing noses
with my essence and
dancing upon the pedals
of my red rose--
you are just another
mystery of nature;
another wonder
of my world

A Poet’s Response (a response to Pablo Neruda's "The Poet")


In the new daze(days) I go through life
in the grip of newfound love and cherishing
a tiny shimmer of opalescence
and my eyes weep for the eyes of those who will not know
I shop for new opportunities, stop
to go out of my way for others, exhaling
my own sprays of love, the unknown
acceptance of woman and man.
I live in a world where I move forward
where the sudden raindrop, the falling water
soak me in god’s tears
and wherever I step my feet my pant leg gets wet,
but yet I walk on.
This is the way my essence manifests--
a sliver off the source, life
throws you down in punishment, to wait
for your arise like it’s most beautiful flower
growing out of the asphalt, like you never thought possible.
Looking out on the bright horizon,
the vast and deep sea
I stay steady as I search for
a holy being, the daily prayer
I know the lessons make me thrive
by teaching me I can teach others
about the foreign lands, and in the small drop of
my life, I meet with God.
Blessings carving my path.
Enlightenment plastered among the walls.

we have to realize our ideals shape our world
change our consumption fueled
capitalist mindset
of oppression, poverty, power
and aren't we all human?
why tear down other nations?
why tear down the trees,
Mother Earth - the heavens?
will our greed end?
we create our greed and why?
we can create
all we dream -
we have power, we have steam
we are trains,
imaginatively stuck to rails
of society;
what will i be?
will i marry?
will i have money?
when we are truly
h o v e r i n g
there are no chains
no restrictions
to our peace, serenity,
wholeness, oneness.
the only question
we need ask is:
will we be happy?
or
are we creating a world
in which our children
will even be healthy?
i fear.
i fear for the lives of many.

will we realize our power?
we must
for we are shifters
we are dreamers
we are artists, creators.
we are angels;
we are alive.

I want someone who will take
my beating heart in their hands and not drop it—
in fact they would protect it,
and set it down gently but never leave—
I want someone who will always
pick my heart and hopes back up off the flat stone,
lift me out of the clouds and into clarity—
I want someone who will keep me
Happy, keep me alive—

*

2-15-12
im so terribly alone, wallowing in my own misery
its like if i lose the weight ill solve the mystery
like ill finally be happy, be free
from all this insanity
but im only digging myself in deeper
letting this voice be the speaker
letting it overcome my soul, my temple
letting her decide what i eat
how i think, how i speak

for the woman
with the faith
which keeps her afloat

even when
her Breaths are short
and she can barely move
in her cocoon
within her head
where she sits with dread
within a head
that pulses with pain
every second of every day

and still
she manages
to take a big Breath
and go on a ride

for a best friend
for a daughter,
A family;

for her passion
she crawls out of bed
and rises
with the sun

to one

big:

Inhale,
Exhale

of another day

I’m in some faraway place
In my head,
As if I could rewind
The hands of time:
I’m standing on a bridge,
Our bridge,
Waiting for you to join me,
But you never come.
I’m in your room
Sitting on your bed and
Watching harry potter,
Waiting for you to come back
From talking to your little sister,
But you don’t live here anymore.

I’m searching and searching
For you in the neighborhood
We both once occupied,
But I find not a trace.
You’re not anywhere
In my physical realm—
Not here, nor there,
And certainly not under that—
But you’re everywhere
In my heart

I wish that I’d recorded
Every conversation we ever had,
Because then I’d have
Almost a year’s worth of material—
Of you and me—
To watch over and over,
So I can further delay
My getting over you

Cant believe I did that
Cant believe how I’ve acted
Cant believe who I’ve slept with
Cant believe all the ways I’ve let myself down

Stare out the window of a moving car
Into the snowstorm parading around the town—
The streetlamps illuminate the strong flurries
As they fall and coat the streets
Disgusing all the pain underneath

Stare out the window of a moving car
Straight in to the searing eyes of nostalgia
Straight through the ghosts of people who have left,
Were once so happy together, and now are transparent—
As good as dead

Cant believe where I’ve gone
Cant believe who I’ve seen; who I’ve lost
Cant believe the world continues to spin
Cant believe I’m still alive

why don't you carve
the pain out of me
like I'm an ancient fossil;
hold my insecurities to
light, under a
magnifying glass
and marvel at the self destructing
primordial beast
biting on her own toes
or eating her brain..
and you can't even remove it
unless in
an autopsy

sometimes I wish you'd come
crawling back to me--
stripped of your dignity,
naked in your mistake

then thinking back to when
I actually could say
I knew you,
returning goes against your nature--
you will never come back to me

when you're done,
you're done--
and I'm just another one
you've left behind

I've got nothing to say
when luminescent tears
drip from faces
I haven't seen
and words crusted behind
lids of skin
I haven't touched

come forth

and when they sing out
with voices deeper
than the rolls of the sea
but soft like
a women
I wonder
where they've been

come forth

singed blades of grass
may be black
and they may prickle your
toes when you walk barefoot
but unclothed you
stand there

come forth

there's nothing to be said
when promises linger
drenched in viscous fingers
who's nails
have yet to scrape the dirt
from under the kneecaps of their own hurt

come forth

into the silence.
there's an ocean of salt
that leaks from the eyes
of every punctured soul
that cannot speak

please,
come forth

all the creativity's seeped out of me
every situation just drains my energy
no time to do anything constructive
just sit around and mope about my love life
and all these other circumstances
of past relationships and lost chances
and ****** up people and second glances
alone with my thoughts and introspective reflection
i run away from time and space
with all these drugs and silly things
all my demons devour my imagination
steal the creative motivation
and feed it to mindless tv shows and endless meals
and concerts that i let go of my fears
sit around a hopeless mess
smoke with all my so called friends
never write a single word or read my favorite book
just wallow in the past and extinguish my quirks
brain chills unused
its knowledge pushed aside for useless information
never making something of its own
but following those that are well known
until my feet carve a new path
and accept my gifts for math
and story telling and let my mind mold
a story
a poem
an idea
a life
creativity needs not be stalled
open the gates and go on a journey

I am simple, yet complex--
I am holy, but a peasant

I release, as I embrace--
I plunge into the depths,
         all the while recoiling like a striking snake.

I let you
so far in
believing
that you’d hold my discombobulated bones
in your weary boy hands
and devote your life
to being sure I hung
propped up and connected
by string
all 206 bones
right beside you mixing
your phalanges in with mine
owning my thoughts and finishing the sentences
I couldn’t
for the people
I couldn’t face and taking the
troubles I resurrected from the depths
just so you could take them
into yours and dissolve them
again in to the water
below the bridge –
cast in to that ***** water below the bridge that crumbled
and sank in that same pollution
as I did
when we were broken
and my bones corroded with my soul
along the muddy, trash-ridden bank
and when my faith dragged my
withered torn body towards the grass
and my mind longed more to fail
and to die and to hurt
it wasn’t you that picked me up,
but my faith
and how my eyes took notice
that none of my bones were cracked
only a piece of me left under that bridge
but not a shattered bone
and that leaves you gone
with me in one piece
and I have yet to discover
a bigger miracle

I cry for all this hurt in the world
For all the pain and suffering

I cry for all the people who don’t deserve what they get
For the kind soul that goes to jail
For drug possession
When he’s so lost and so depressed
He didn’t know what he got into in the first place

I cry for this world we live in
For all the judgments wired in our brains
When did we become such critiques of people
Who were already set in their ways

I cry for our sanity
I cry for the sanity I had but is lost
I cry because it should not have been taken from me

I cry for my self worth
And the self worth of many who believe their worth is nil
I cry for the extent of pain we feel
Just to receive a glimmer of acceptance
I cry for the pain I put myself through

I cry for anyone and everyone who’s cried (hopelessly)
I hurt for anyone and everyone who’s hurt (themselves)
I feel for anyone and everyone who’s felt (alone)
I die for anyone and everyone who’s dead (inside)

you were always scared
     & I always tried to be   strong

but I could only keep you up so long
And when the darkness consumed,
I went with you

and into your grave
               Went my hopes-
    six feet under and smothered,
starving for breath between packed earth

Your burial brought
                 the death of me
and when I swallowed
       That last pill w a swig..
..when the chair fell from underneath my "sturdy" feet...
...where my blood lay..and stained...
                         well
      I'd written you a letter in my head
(Because you could no longer
              Unfold it with your fingers,
and alas now neither can I)

because when I said
I couldn't live without you..


   and now we're both only
               stories


                            in heads

             *     *    

Fighting for someone who understands
But where's that mystery man
And when the time is right for him to be revealed
Will I revel in his presence, bask in his touch
Or will I back away based on just the hunch
That no ones who they seem
They might not be right for me
Some people's eyes hold gleams
While others silently scream
Let me out of this mess
Confess it's all a dream

So leave me to the scene
The white knight has finally come
But wait, something's not right
It's all become undone
It's hard to love a person
Whose essence of being is torn
Because no one gets forewarned
No one knows what they've signed up for

Who lays it out on the table
Puts their whole selves out there for review
So when picking your lover
Bite off only what you can chew
Because any more and you'll choke
On the lies they thought you'd bought
On your partners thoughts and smoke

Before you indulge
Know the depth of your plunge
So you won't have to scale a wall
When they're not who they said they were
And you're stuck at the bottom of love--

It's dingy

Does he notice when we meet eyes
In the hallway
In passing
But nonetheless: eye contact

Does it do to him what it does to me?
Send me back in time
to how things used to be

Does he remember all we used to say?
The way we felt
Holding hands in a crowd
United in his shed—
Simple in our time together

Does he reminisce and ponder
all that could have been different
between us, not this
rotten separation

I wonder what he thinks when he sees me.
Does it make him feel at all?

Seeing as you can't kiss me
You surely don't deserve me
And it'll take years
Before you'd miss me
But we don't have that long
Anyway

We have nothing,
Actually
And when the sting of your goodbye
Leaves me lonely
It's a joke
And I'm laughing

What
Are you
Doing?

I don't wanna be someone
you can just call up to ****
^
I wanna be valued for my mind
I wanna talk about your problems
I wanna care for you

I don't wanna be alone
but who wants to be around me
^
I wanna forget my mind
I wanna share my problems, my life
I wanna be cared for

Please just drown me
And forget I ever existed
Because then at least
I wont spend my days
In vivid remembrance
Of your almost embrace—
Instead ill spend them
At the bottom of the sea
With frozen open eyes
And breathless lungs—
A free mind,
And peace in my heart

it is not possible
for the days to blend
together

as each moment
is fresh
like fresh cut leather
(no wait, fresh cut leather
would be animal skin-)
so fresh
like the wet cracked sheet
of something beautiful,
molded around
the frame of a drum.

remember how
you made them in memory of her.

each second is a new formation
of destiny

remember how the rough, wet gravel
felt between your toes?
how the surprise rose
from your mothers' throat
when you said "i'll do it!" took off
your shoes, rolled up your pants and stepped
- without inhibition -
into a crate of mud, rocks, cement
remember
how you made wine
beneath your clumsy feet.

what a strange feeling, forgetting;
where is it
going?
let the essence of those memories,
of the things that make you
who you are
echo through your eyes
in conversation.
forget instead,
the unknown. coming. forget the question.
for in forgetting you are lost,
you are found.
in forgetting,

you

just

are

and that is the ultimate answer.

even this separation
I feel
becoming a dance
as you process the events of Sunday,
I slowly let you go
and tell you it's okay to leave
because I'll survive
(Probably
)
and you have never promised me
anything.

and even the separation feels
familiar
Like you are kidding and might return
home for dinner.
that you might return home
and welcome me into your arms
maybe with no hesitation
behind your eyes or
guilt ruminating beneath your bone
structure

And I don't want to break down
your structure,
it is not my desire to see
pieces of you on my bedroom floor
or a shattered heart
beneath your ribcage

and I never want to enter a realm
where I can hurt you
but you've already hurt me
every Sunday and every time
you feel unworthy and
every time you don't see the disparity
between what you say
is my truth and what you can't
see as your own.

even the separation between
these figures
seems close
to being intricate and a
twisted
echo
of who we are and who we might be
together

simply
we leave with no more
than what we started with;
alone at last again--
a soul floating among
the stars, after death and
before birth in some weary in between--
we exit like our entrance,
lose some of our senses and
once again reduced to
uncontrollable bladder action--
the same molecules as
the follicles of our baby bottom skin.

one person, one death,  
and who is to say what's left behind?
for the only thing that matters in life
is what's inside your mind--
the only thing or other
living being
with you at all times
is you,
and so you are lost at the grave
after spending one lifetime
blossoming from birth;
return to earth
mortal, naked, bare

I want to tell you I’ll extract the pain from your eyes
Like a cancerous tumor
But if I get close to you
The terror seeps from you and clings to me

I want to take your anguish
And feed it to the sharks
Watch them gnaw on the pointless doubts,
Made up faults, ****** up thinking—
Watch it all disintegrate between
Their massive sharp jaws.
See how easy it is for them to be destroyed—
See how harmless they are?

And I’ve had that pain in my eyes
The desire to extinguish it on your own
But I grew strong and helped myself
I conquered the pain once
But twice it kills

Your skin is precious
Yet you tear it
Like raggedy old clothes
In the garbage

It breaks my heart every time you speak
Of the hurt you feel every day
The feeling that never goes away

For I am scared

I want you to kick it yourself
To rise up from the death you’ve been embodying
And see the life in the world

Forget your limitations and live
Be kind to yourself

The world is not a tragic place
Unless you’re looking out from
Behind pained eyes

Its weird to look back,
I can see how much you liked me in your eyes
And it hurts me too much
To know you’ll never look at me like that again

Because I was blind back then
Too caught up in my head
And then I messed it all up with you
And now you couldn’t care less

So I’m left missing you,
left missing your company.
Because I lost my best friend,
And whatever we could have aspired to be

I don’t want to live in the past
But I need your eyes in my future
When you look at me straight I don’t breathe
And I don’t understand how you had the courage to leave

You put out the lights in your eyes for me
And started running the opposite way
Away from your feelings and anything real
So I’m left in the cold and the rain

Anxious and waiting for these emotions to fade
For the wounds to heal, mind to clear
And the strength to move on in my heart.

Forgive me for falling
But I cannot stand myself upright

Forgive me for staring
But I refuse to let your beauty out of sight

Forgive me for telling
But the words were clawing at my mouth

Forgive me for caring