PURE*       is attractive
because they can corrupt it--
they can tear it to shreds,
leaving tears in your eyes;
defecate on the innocent
like stealing candy from a baby

And once you are used
like a tool, worn out
from the pain,
the pleasure

The masked face
The empty face-like death-
coming to reap your soul
and **** your heart

*****        is old and bent
flexible like a contortionist
whose bones were removed
by force.

Tie me up and beat me--
until i erode like a mineral,
until i dissolve from solid to liquid,
until i break down my components--
I'm all I've got left

I'll never know your touch
Like the first frost
Cascading over the changing figure
Of the Earth

I'll never know your touch
Before the snow melts
Every inch if you disappearing
From sight and soul

I'll never know your touch
As the infinite white blindness
Recedes and you are gone

I'll never know your touch
Like the awaited "almost" snowfall
That never froze anything over--
But instead a warm
Sun on my shoulders
That should warm me, but only
Leaves me wishing
For the first frost

It’s a line I’ve heard
So many times before
“Afraid of commitment” –
an excuse to mean they don’t like me..
scared to get serious with someone
who feels as deeply

it’s a line I’ve heard
so many times before
just helps to make me cry,
ruins my perception of people just a little bit more
soils my hope just a little bit more

why all the false hope?
The false sense of security,
Like you want to love me
But only
To retreat so fast like the recoil of a snake
Who bit me
In the hand, so fast and left two clean holes
Bubbling blood
That traced down my hand slowly and left
Red tears in the wake of the
First time,
Time that ruined everything

Like the thing I should have done but didn’t
Like the words I never said, I couldn’t
And the empty replies
And long sleepless nights watching movies
And never kissing,
Never admitting

And giving in to urges
to be told they feel weird, they feel off
he needs to leave,
and so he’s gone

they are all gone

this is a trick.
the ghosts of the past
are not gone.
sweeping smoke
beneath their doormats
whispering, "get in"
within their smiling teeth.
they are talking
to my rubber face.
happy to be learning to say no,
i can contentedly and stubbornly
say "are you crazy?"
and walk away.
this is something
i never would have been able
to do before.
i was never good at knowing
when indulgence
under the surface
was for pleasure
or to reverberate even further
into the echoes of pain.

notice the easy grace
in the red flag painted morning
warning some
of the coming rain.
tell them
i am typing this poem on a
phone screen
walking into a building
supposed to fill me with knowledge.
tell them
that some of these people
took in the lonely smoke
wandering around
in the night
looking for a warm mouth;
they are high today.
tell them
that some of them
don't need the bitter whip
of substance
to substitute for beauty.
tell them
i have walked away;
and let them know
that i
am the happiest that i have ever been.
                                ~

why is it you reappear
    just when I no longer long
to see your face besides mine,
to be inches from your eyes.
  why is it you know
         when I'm over you
so you can return again
and plague me with the same cycle
I've never gotten your logic
  and your decision making skills are poor
and you have done me no service
              but my feet won't walk away,
and I wanna peel you back at the seams
and lose my bones underneath
       the surface of your skin
and I want you to like it...
but you keep sewing yourself up
     and you've got me thinking:
there may not be many layers
       to uncover under there
except you're good at faking it
                 and you're good
                            at making me fall
                      all over again
          over my own feet...  
       over my own shoelaces  
   that you tied to the opposite side
                                 so I would trip
        and you would laugh
         and help me up, again

I let them tangle together
And I flow securely on the wind
I am free

I am free
Like a bird
Soaring over the mountains

Soaring over the mountains
While you're down
On the ground
Herding sheep

When loneliness strikes in the darkest hour
We do our best to let it slip from our minds,
Please don't let the mood go sour
But keep it light, polite--
No one likes a stupid fool
Who savers the mistakes
And disregards the opportunity that awaits

For someone who dwells on pain and loss
Will never stand up and will always be soft--
Always taking on the weight from others,
Can't get enough breathing room to see that she's smothered

For someone who dwells on the good in the world
Will reap the benefits; be a glorious girl.
She's someone with class and a balanced head,
She fights for herself and prefers her own bed.
For one like this brings light
To the clouded eyes of birds without flight
Or lovers who lack insight

She is a person respected
A trophy on her own shelf
Wanted by many but owned only by death.
The power of her mind thrives
Through the lives of people that are pushed to survive

When loneliness strikes in the darkest hour,
She holds up her light, and releases her power.

this smile is a timid grin
a sad smile
a “don’t lose hope” smile,
the innocent raise of the child’s cheeks;
a closed mouth smile
with no teeth inside.
this smile is an excited smile
free to convey the ups of the day.
the “just turn your head a little
to the left” picture day smile;
the natural, unforced smile of
greeting an old friend like no time has passed,
the gentle smile while resting your head
on a lover’s shoulder,
with their returning smile more coveted than your own.

if I could only love myself
today
there's no telling what would come
on the morrow--
maybe I'd be courageous enough
to put down the pipe
and pick up
a pencil
more often;
maybe I'd glide
through love
without feeling like I'm
soaring
to plunge deeper than
I've ever been
before. and
if I could only love myself
today
I'd give it all up
if you'd let me
love you...

if I could just love myself
today

If I hadn't made that one mistake
Would your kiss be mine to take
Would your hand be mine to hold
Would my mask be less of a fake
And more of a mold
So we could take this life that is ours to make

If I hadn't said that one phrase
Would you still want to spend your days
With me, tangling out the maze
And working through the haze
With a lovely smile on your face
To find a better place

If I had never made a sound
Or wanted you to be around
Spending all that time on the ground
Waiting for a time to shed the pounds
The weight, the wait for you to free me, bound
By our friendship and your vow

If I hadn't met your soul
I wouldn't feel the torture of your flee
Or the burning emptiness left in me
But if I hadn't met your soul
I'd miss out on a friend who gave me company
An ear for my grief,
A heart for my story--
Even if in the end, all you did was flee

Interesting
        The chance to start over
The smooth clean slate of a brand new surface
Never corrupted nor covered
Never torn to shreds by an unnamed power

Compelling
        The opportunity of new love
A chance to kiss a new pair of lips
To caress the curves of the hands so personal
And walk amongst the wet grass with new life

Sacrificing
        To give up the habits to please the guest
To not wonder about yourself when you rest your head
But depend completely on another for contentedness
Equal forces of give and take, a balance

Committing
        An act of finalization
A marriage proposal, a slit of the throat
Some trenches just too deep to wander
A few possibilities to be left unexplored

Separating
        Forgetting the magnetism of the first touch of fingers
Longing for a kiss on a new, softer mouth
A trail of footsteps leading down different paths
The pedals of a rose begin to sway to the floor

Soaking
       The pedals curl and harden, touching ground all too dull
Melt into the earth and return to where it came
The roots begin to emerge on a mutant species
Water is sprung from the dirt and rejuvenates the body

Interesting
        The chance to start over

I watch the way
your paws swing at
every moving thing,
Your eyes darting
to and fro-
back and forth
between every stimulus.

The birds chirping
catches your attention
and the window becomes
your throne, staring longingly
into unexplored territory.
A passing car
turns your head,
perking ears, and
curiosity on your
sandpaper tongue.

As a small, young kitten
every thing is new.
You look around at
each passing object,
and each one excites you anew.

You entertain yourself
with hanging window strings,
and chew on the zippers
of my backpack,
ignorant to the existence
of "school."

When I was ignorant of school
and every passing thing
excited me-
I was a child, young,
innocent.
You are a child, young,
innocent.

I dangle your fluffy
purple, jingling toy in front
of your small cat eyes,
praying the day that
it doesn't excite you
never comes.

It's weird what goes on
behind these "simple" eyelids--
the thoughts and the urges
I simply cannot control

In one moment, I feel like
cleaning my desk, my vanity, my life--
next I am moving in a fluid dance,
and every object has it's place so
please
don't touch my pile--
just watch as I rearrange
the makeup and bracelets,
don't speak as I shift the contents
into a perfectly patterned formula.

Don't look as I starve myself raw
let me tear up inside and tango
with the devil - once dormant - parading my soul.
everything's just a means of control.

And then there's the highs, like one
speedy night,
where the right words escape me, yet I
never shut up.
they roll on out
and with the drop of my tongue,
the tragic downs
shred the place where my hope once hung

The world is distorted--
all senses curved and
odd thoughts odd actions--
when there's more than
one of you
inside

I want to discover you
To peel your layers back-
I want to find you
So you can find yourself
     In this mess we call life
I want to stare into your teary eyes
And be the one to tell you
It’s all going to be all right and you’ll get through
Because I’ll help you
So you can help yourself
     In this mess we call life
I want you to know you’ll always be safe with me-
That I’ll always be here to welcome you home
Be a shoulder to cry on
A hand to hold
So you can find strength
     In this mess we call life.

I put my faith into words
I try to articulate my feelings for you
To explain through text the emotions
Rattling through my blood and my heart

The words never seem right
The text never manages to get the point across
I wait for your response
And it is never what I hope for

But neither are the words i spoke
And I blame myself for your ignorance
Of my love for you.
Excuse me, I'm speechless

I search the cavities of my heart
Scour my brain for the lines-
The strings of letters of words 
That I must compose to let you know my cries

But I never can say the right thing 
And you never let me in
And I can see the words I speak mean nothing to you-
I can see that now 

You did all the listening 
And I did all the talking.
And when you finally spoke up
It hurt my ears and heart to listen

Just like that you end our relationship-
My mind never was enough
My body never was enough
My words never were enough 

And I'm left to wonder where exactly
The perfect words reside.

if there is anything left here
we’ll find it –
dig it out
of the rippling earth,
So we can mold it;
******* –
by the immense pressure
(of the bulldozer)
(of the needlepoint)
pointing
towards our future
(of the system)
caressing the victims
and swaddling the thief’s throat,
                 chest,
straight-jacketed to the depths of
near death
near the light
of the universe expansion
boiling in the brains
of us as human
        and we as human
have worked this earth
to ruin
and died ourselves
from exhaustion

and held in the calm stirring
of waking up every morning—
satin sheets and
pampered hands,
where there’s gas in the car
but it’s not too far
from crumbling
like that bridge that
lost its footing
on a spontaneous
mid-afternoon
swooning,
falling for the
water
being
so….close….
….to flooding.
The dams don’t hold a chance
To the masses
of hands
beating back
I’LL DIE WITHOUT IT
DON’T TAKE AWAY MY MAC; I’ll cry
                 because they’ll die
without swallowing the
puffy blue air
       and breathing the
red diamond
waters.

And the caves
could never whisper
to the drums of those
whose ears beat drums
through their headphones;
the leaves
cant drip on the
                                tongues
that are inside other peoples
mouths

and I wont allow sorrow
to seep in my bones
for all they’ve missed
because while they kissed
the soft bellies
of misfits
I rolled an underwater bull
on its back
so I wouldn’t drown—

if there is anything left here

I’m not sure the soft glitz
would catch the
cones of the greedy
souls diving
for pearls

i’m sure we’ve missed it

You won't be here forever.
You won't be here forever.

Sometimes I wish I could survive
         on the insides of your skull
     as a parasite
                    you hated...
I'd always be with you,
close to your flowing
                      stream of conscious thought;
    you could never rid yourself of me.

I wouldn't have to leave you
                   and
I wouldn't have to change you...
  maybe I could just see you
                  grow
I wouldn't have to break you--
  maybe you wouldn't break me
                  either

  maybe we would both crumble;
     I know I can't escape--
--you cant escape--
                     we...

                     we.

                                         *I'll miss you.

somewhere under the earth lies the truth. somewhere written in the heavens; the true nature is out there. every single living creature being on anything at all is an ugly distortion of the truth. i’m not saying we’re supposed to spend our whole lives devoted to becoming a less-ugly rendition; i’m not saying pleasing God is the answer for me. we are all meant to be faulted,
flawed.  we should not be tortured to claw at a nothingness we can never
obtain. there is
a lot left in the emptiness of rain. there is a lot left in the pair of eyes that refuse to meet my gaze. we fall to the basis as we raise the base higher “be this much – reach this level – for God’s sake, go to college!" God does not need me in college. maybe i will go there and struggle to find God in the faces that pass in the dust after it settles;
there will be peace there. there really is no need for this; for things to be this way. we are keeping ourselves in cages and God is throwing away the key. it is not his job to set us free. it is not his will to enslave us. it is WE that don’t let ourselves be. the scary, sad, condemning thing—that’s the irony.
we are fractals. reoccuring patterns deemed nothingness but:
there are colors there. there are colors within the folds. “life is but a soaring dream”
when we see, we laugh, we think, we pray, we dream; we be.
when we cry, we die, we fail, we lose, we pray, we dream; we be. there is not  one separate thing we ever did see. we are all fractals. reoccurring dreams.
reoccurring days when nothing seems to change—those are the still moments. the still moments are sacred. for it is only in the stillness (if we ever let ourselves be still—in thought, form, in space)
that the peace will come. the truth will come. and the truth will come ugly; to remind us we are ugly too. that dreams can turn to dust and we can watch and feel as they disintegrate.
the truth will never be pretty. i hope we can find the recognition to allow
peace to flow –
and i will marvel all the same. it is the truth that makes me stay.

things swing by me
in an instant.
passing whirlwinds.
the sun casts a
rainbow on this page as the ink flows from my hand
that
i wish i could capture.
i wish i could paint
the rainbow gracing this paper.
it is beautiful.
the sun will pass because
the earth will spin
or it will
move behind a cloud
and disappear;
things
swing by me
in an instant.
i'm still here.

I've seen the debate of leaving
And the pain of being left,
I will not love like you have loved 

I've seen the torment in the others eyes
The guilt in your tears,
I will not leave like you have left 

I've seen the all night partying
And all the desperate men,
I will not betray as you have betrayed

I've witnessed the days in bed 
And the nagging duties,
I will not die as you have died

You exposed me to the truths 
While all the same lying to my face,
I will not deceive as you have deceived

It might be your childhood
Your codependency that kills
I try not to be bitter,
I will not hide anger as you have exploded

You've left broken hearts in your wake,
Forgotten faces at your feet..
And then there's me,
I will not destroy as you have destroyed

I wish you’d look at me and see beauty—
Something you’d want to hold close to you—
My hand against yours.
I wish you’d look at me and see my light—
Make me see it—
My sun against yours.
I wish you’d look at me and accept me—
So maybe I can accept me too—
My confidence against yours.
I wish you’d look at me and see the love of your life—
Someone you can laugh with—
My heart against yours.
I wish you’d look at me and see beauty—
See trust and hope and life—
My love against yours.

NO ONE CAN **** THIS IN ME,
IT'S SUCH AN ECCENTRICITY

AND I LOVE IT'S DEFINING POWERS,
HELPS SEPARATE ME FROM..."THEM"

SO PEOPLE DEAR TO ME KNOW
IM NOT JUST ANOTHER,
COS I HOLD MY OWN

What a kind soul you were
So easy for me to trust
And depend on
So simple for me to talk too,
Taught me to be open
And that people aren't
So bad

What a kind heart you were,
We spent so much time together
Without boredom crusting
Behind our eyes-
With free flowing words
And never a moments silence
Or lull in conversation

What a kind man you were
A gentleman,
A listen to your gut kind of guy-
No wonder,
I didn't deserve you

What a gentle soul you were
Always trying to comfort me,
Or let me down easy

What a ****** up person I was
To let myself become
Entangled in you
And all we could be

What a sad life I was leading
To always need your help
But depend too strongly
Until the breaking point,
Until you turned to go

What a disappointment I am
For me to have lost you
You and your kind soul  
To never touch,
Speak or listen to
Mine again

wanting to pursue
                        encourage

getting fingerprints,
        splatters

                        "It's amazing.
They're mesmerized."

                                                           end of their workshop,
                                               children watched                                              active detectives
                                                                                       while hooked
                                                                                          right questions
     investigative tools,                                                                  
                                                                                                                         early interest
                                          a lifelike mannequin
                                     in as the victim

                                                molds of footprints

                                                                                mind is made up, for now.

Let me put the smile that I wear for everybody on
And continue with my day
And hide all the pain I feel inside.

Let me put the smile that I wear for everybody on
And talk to my parents
And pretend that nothing is wrong.

Let me put the smile that I wear for everybody on
And go to school
And talk about nothing with people that mean nothing to me.

Let me put the smile that I wear for everybody on
And pretend that I don’t want to scream
To anyone who’d stop to listen.

Let me put the smile that I wear for everybody on
So that hopefully someone will see it
And take it off.

Let me put the smile that I wear for everybody on
So that maybe someone someday will care enough
To help me.

Let me put the smile that I wear for everybody on
So that when I dream about things like that
I don’t actually believe they will happen.

Let me put the smile that I wear for everybody on
So that I can come home at the end of the day
And finally remove it.

Let me put the smile that I wear for everybody on
So in the privacy of my room
I can cry for hours and no one will think a thing.

Let me put the smile that I wear for everybody on
So no one will worry
And I’ll be “fine.”

Let me put the smile that I wear for everybody on
So maybe you’ll see how happy I am
And you’ll notice me.

Let me put the smile that I wear for everybody on
So that someday someone will love me enough to know when it’s gone.

Like a fire that consumes all before it
Like a voice that takes a hold and never loosens,
Never lets go of her grip.
Like a fire that consumes all before it
Rips your insides to shreds,
Your self worth into millions of shards.
Like a fire that consumes all before it
Leaving you stranded and broken
Leaving you alone in your world.
Like a fire that consumes all before it
All of your thoughts and actions
All of your pitiful bones.
Like a fire that consumes all before it
Leaving nothing in its wake
Leaving nothing but fog and haziness.
Like a fire that consumes all before it
Leaving you staring in a mirror,
Hating your reflection.
Like a fire that consumes all before it,
Burning everything in its path to ash,
Leaving blood and tears scattered across the ground.
Like a fire that consumes all before it
Taking your old life in its flames
And leaving your body to reconstruct anew.
Like a fire that consumes all before it
Leaving your future open ended
Your crystal ball cloudy.
Like a fire that consumes all before it
Like a fire that consumes all before her
Like a fire that consumes your thoughts
Like a fire that consumes Y o u .

Like a snake sheds his skin--
Leaving the cracked dry shell,
And slithers with new, shiny,
Untouched scales into a new being--

I firmly step out of my old restrictions--
Leaving the past and all it's doubts behind me,
And walk with a firm grip and eyes on my vision,
Into the early morning sunshine of a new day

lick your lips before you sleep
and hope they stay soft
within your dream
so when you wake to my kiss,
lively
your lips will seem

I brought this couch here
with new hopes for a
changed room
and it won't fit through
the door
and I brought this couch here

but nothing is right
about it's existence here
because I realized
I can't have nice things;
I destroy the change;
I put out the fire
                before it ignites;

and her first marriage
wasn't right
her second wasn't
either
but that didn't stop her
from proposing to nature
(Trust me, there were men
there
too)

and I wanted this couch here;
wanted to hire the men
and bring it up the stairs
and I did it because
I wanted it
and I can do things
myself
and I
am not hers
I'm not her baby--
I don't want to be
like her

but my new life won't fit
through the door
and I can't sit down
on the plush
in my own world
because it won't budge
pushed up against the doorframe

and so I am crying;
all hope is lost.

I need to just look at the little things
like the pattern of the clouds
in the sky, the way they look like
skid marks on wet sand,
just licked by the salty lips
of the vast ocean--
and yet you redefined my
whole perspective,
especially on the little things--
The small curve of your smile
and the sweet twinkle in your eye
became my everyday suffice,
and every simple movement
you'd make would knock me
off balance,
tumbling into the abyss:
the emptiness that comes when
someone who was your whole world
decides not to provide you
with the little things
you so desperately need
to survive

i can feel that i don't belong here.
feel it in their stares
their "airs" of "wisdom"
sat there the first couple days
feeling twisted
in my ways
and a whole lot more
than my gut
felt like puking.

felt like extracting
the pointy smiles
porcelain fingers of humanity
a constant war
with my painted skin.

if it is a sin
to condemn and judge
a brother
tell me with a smile
and a hand on that book
how so much hatred
and resistance
hides behind their
lash plumped eyes;
their porcelain hearts.

beating far
to the beyond that i'd go
if they could know
to accept like me.

i'm learning to uncurl
my foiled toes to the world
tread with the tips of my fingers
molding my identity, a print
the sharpest laser couldn't forget.

cast my rusty skin to the sky
so i could show them
we are brother
derived around one another
a formula.

a formula skewed
for porcelain mates turning out doll faces
on the conveyor
belt.

we are moving too fast.
i can feel that i don't belong here.
i can't feel their warmth.

Will you always have my heart
On the end of a string
So close you could reach out and grab it—
Making it yours forever
But so far that I am left alone and dangling
By your thread
One I know well and
Cannot let go of myself
One only you can save me from
But you choose to keep me there
Because
You like always having my heart

You left me all alone-
with nothing but the memories on my phone.
I wonder if I'll ever again hear your laugh,
or you utter my name through your sweet teeth-
and oh, how beautiful it sounds.
I wonder how you're feeling about me,
but then I remember you don't feel for me at all.
Never a kiss from my lips to yours
and yet you left me full of hurt and remorse.
You gave me beautiful words
and then you stole them back,
like they didn't mean the world to me.
I wonder when you'll get off my mind
but I've got too much time;
I've got too many thoughts, too many what if's-
Never a touch from your hand to mine.
Never a look suggesting feelings from your
sweet eyes to mine. So
you left me all alone-
Never being mine to start,
seems I'm the only one who can fix my unsteady heart
but there's too much pain
so I'll sit and I'll wallow away

listening to the music you showed me:
Butch Clancy
"for yours are the sweetest eyes
I've ever seen"
only digs the knife in my stomach
deeper, to my heart--
to the slice you left of my skin,
my ears, reminded daily
of how you made me feel.
how good
how bad
how deserted

I'll call it a victory if
I go one day
without picturing your face,
listening to you
in my earbuds...

I guess it's time to find
some new music.

I can get up
Get ready,
Go out
With my “friends”

Celebrate the beginning
Of a year
So similar to all the others

I can sit here
In my bed
And mope about the
Past;
Past people
Past home
Past life

I can lay here
Sick
To my stomach,
In my heart

Listening to the cheers
Around me;
The rosy-cheeked faces
Of a little too much
Champagne

Only living in my mind
To a year behind
From this day,
I could only call it a
Celebration,
Because I was with you

And you watched me
When I fell,
Helped me up and
Stopped the torture

Now,
One year later
You’re not here
And I’m crying
As I’m falling
And falling

IS IT OK?
                  if I am soft
                   like an
                   innocent
                   child's' skin
IS IT OK?
                 if I am not
                  thin--but
                  you can rest
                  your head
                  on me
IS IT OK?
                 if I don't
                  moan
                  when it doesn't
                  feel good
IS IT OK?
                 *if I go somewhere
                  else
                  entirely

To look into your eyes is like gazing in the stars
To look into your eyes is like gazing in the stars
Watch you caress the grass like you would me
Watch you caress the grass like you would me
Watch is me gazing into the stars in your eyes like
Like you would caress the grass; look to you

Hear the words I whisper in your ear
Hear the words I whisper in your ear
Like the pitter-patter of rainfall, or faint footsteps travel
Like the pitter-patter of rainfall, or faint footsteps travel
The rainfall travel in your ear like pitter-patter,
Faint words or the whisper of footsteps I hear

Every day spent with you is a dream
Every day spent with you is a dream
Slowly seeping into my pores and beneath the skin it’s away
Slowly seeping into my pores and beneath the skin it’s away
Every dream slowly seeping away into the day
Beneath my pores is a skin and it’s spent with you

Rainfall is seeping in my pores like
The stars whisper—like grass—the dream you would caress me—
Beneath the words you hear in your ear or it’s like
With a day spent gazing slowly into your eyes,
And every look into skin is faint—
I watch you: the pitter-patter of footsteps travel away

Can't explain the rumble I felt
deep in the gutter of my stomach,
couldn't believe how fast
I got taken over and
brought down to my knees
like a servant
to some devious beast.

It was a party gone awry;
the kind of get together where flashing
red and blue lights interrupt the rowdy kids
just as soon as they've got ****** up,
but we hadn't even reached there yet;
and here I am shaking
in front of empty girls with
mean eyes; full makeup

and a new kind of burn came next
when I saw you come through
the front door
and bypassed me like every other
soulless flesh-and-bones--
and you are just as empty
as you passed me
as I shook
and I crumbled
and not one soul took notice,
especially
not
you

¿Promise me. Can you please
promise me something?

Forever and ever ago,
there was this girl
with a toxic
smile who would
glammer her way to the style
of her elders and gamble her way
up the staircase of success.
That girl once answered a question.

Promise me you'll never lose yourself.

Poetry is like diamonds
With glistening shards that shine
The light of your life and your essence,
With every word another truth rings its bell
Can’t wait to be heard, to be spoken, to be known

All my weakness transformed into strength
All my doubts turned into beliefs
All my pain melts into a liquid
That slowly runs down the parallel slopes
Of my mind and out both my ears
All my worry in a split second to confidence
When I compose a poem

When I compose a poem
It is all the words I’ve never said
It is the full opinion, the whole truth—
The truths I voice and the truths
That stay hidden deep inside

To speak a poem is to confront your fears-
With every scary detail of life rattling
Around your brain, cluttered-
Each poetic word like a knife,
Tourneing each fear like a vegetable
Into smooth constructed bite sized pieces-
You rise up like a giant and swallow them whole

Each letter a new building block
For the path your own feet must tread

When I write, I am not myself
I am everything I aspire to be

It is the action before the thought
It is the explosion before the reconstruction
It is the storm before the calm

ill miss my friends birthday
and ill miss my friends
when im gone for a week
with family and family's boyfriends
and my technology
and my loneliness
and my craving to be wanted,
to be missed
by my friends
but i wont be missed
and i know i wont be missed
because they wont
do anything for me
while im here;
they wont compromise
wont give up their selfishness
to help me
and i dont get it
because all i do is bend over backwards
for my friends
who i miss so dearly
and always will

and i think maybe
i feel too deeply for this world
because everyone seems to be swimming
in their own decisions and passions
and ive never dipped a toe into the water
but ive stood on the shore
looking out at them go
and grow
and i stay with my feet scratching the sand
my feet imprinting my place in the world
into one footprint
because i have not yet walked a path
but only left one tiny
thought in the sand:
the stagnation of me will
leave my soul to be pruned
by the breeze