I want to discover you
To peel your layers back-
I want to find you
So you can find yourself
     In this mess we call life
I want to stare into your teary eyes
And be the one to tell you
It’s all going to be all right and you’ll get through
Because I’ll help you
So you can help yourself
     In this mess we call life
I want you to know you’ll always be safe with me-
That I’ll always be here to welcome you home
Be a shoulder to cry on
A hand to hold
So you can find strength
     In this mess we call life.

I wish you’d look at me and see beauty—
Something you’d want to hold close to you—
My hand against yours.
I wish you’d look at me and see my light—
Make me see it—
My sun against yours.
I wish you’d look at me and accept me—
So maybe I can accept me too—
My confidence against yours.
I wish you’d look at me and see the love of your life—
Someone you can laugh with—
My heart against yours.
I wish you’d look at me and see beauty—
See trust and hope and life—
My love against yours.

I cry for all this hurt in the world
For all the pain and suffering

I cry for all the people who don’t deserve what they get
For the kind soul that goes to jail
For drug possession
When he’s so lost and so depressed
He didn’t know what he got into in the first place

I cry for this world we live in
For all the judgments wired in our brains
When did we become such critiques of people
Who were already set in their ways

I cry for our sanity
I cry for the sanity I had but is lost
I cry because it should not have been taken from me

I cry for my self worth
And the self worth of many who believe their worth is nil
I cry for the extent of pain we feel
Just to receive a glimmer of acceptance
I cry for the pain I put myself through

I cry for anyone and everyone who’s cried (hopelessly)
I hurt for anyone and everyone who’s hurt (themselves)
I feel for anyone and everyone who’s felt (alone)
I die for anyone and everyone who’s dead (inside)

Forgive me for falling
But I cannot stand myself upright

Forgive me for staring
But I refuse to let your beauty out of sight

Forgive me for telling
But the words were clawing at my mouth

Forgive me for caring

Its weird to look back,
I can see how much you liked me in your eyes
And it hurts me too much
To know you’ll never look at me like that again

Because I was blind back then
Too caught up in my head
And then I messed it all up with you
And now you couldn’t care less

So I’m left missing you,
left missing your company.
Because I lost my best friend,
And whatever we could have aspired to be

I don’t want to live in the past
But I need your eyes in my future
When you look at me straight I don’t breathe
And I don’t understand how you had the courage to leave

You put out the lights in your eyes for me
And started running the opposite way
Away from your feelings and anything real
So I’m left in the cold and the rain

Anxious and waiting for these emotions to fade
For the wounds to heal, mind to clear
And the strength to move on in my heart.

I want someone who will take
my beating heart in their hands and not drop it—
in fact they would protect it,
and set it down gently but never leave—
I want someone who will always
pick my heart and hopes back up off the flat stone,
lift me out of the clouds and into clarity—
I want someone who will keep me
Happy, keep me alive—

*

2-15-12
im so terribly alone, wallowing in my own misery
its like if i lose the weight ill solve the mystery
like ill finally be happy, be free
from all this insanity
but im only digging myself in deeper
letting this voice be the speaker
letting it overcome my soul, my temple
letting her decide what i eat
how i think, how i speak

I feel so weak
When I eat
I feel so weak
When I bite
I feel so weak
But I cant stop the cycle
I feel so weak
But I binge and I binge
I feel so weak
But I eat until there’s nothing left.

Nothing left—
And my stomach aches with fullness
And I long to be empty
Like the new morn
And wallow in my thoughts
And dance on the edges of my bones.

But that I did days before
Has just been undone
In mere seconds
Because I’ve eaten my weight
In candies and chips
And unnecessary tastes
That I don’t need on my plate.

But my out-of-mind state continues to fools me
And I munch until I’m sick
And stripped of my desire
And all my work becomes dust
And my loss becomes gain
And my effort becomes mist
And I’m left to begin again.

Why do I lack the precious self control?
The will to say ‘no thank you’
In the face of a sweet
Or a meat or a snack.
How do I gain the precious self control?
The force to be strict
In the face of temptation
Or a growling stomach.