Hate
Pain
Love
Sorrow
Why do you have to do this to me?
You were the person who wasn't supposed to break me
You were supposed to always be there for me,
I loved you n I love you I'm so pathetic for doing so.
You broke me n I'm sure you're glad you did.
Does it help your ego to know that you're capable.
I'm so sick, I hate myself for actually trusting you with me.
Hate
Hate till there's nothing left.
No more feelings, no more pain, no more sorrow.
I'm so done. Hate till there's nothing left.
Good job, you made me trust in humanity again
Only to scar me deeper than I was before you.
I hope you realize what you put people through
I hope that one day, you'll come to know the pain, in the depths of your soul
Knowing that you reap what you ******* sow.
So eat the **** you fed so many
And be poisoned by the heartache you put so many through.
I never deserved this pain.
Now I know where you stand, I always knew it
But you covered up so it was ok
But to be so blatantly stabbed hurts more than you will ever know.
My demons are back, they will always come back
No matter how many time I **** them.
Nowadays in the pain I feel,
Their whispers of insanity are comforting.
With them it feels like I'm finally not alone.
My insanity is back on its spiral of descent.
Keep your painting, your canvas will again turn blank
But the face that once occupied will haunt you.
I hope it shreds all that you are.
I can't believe I wasted my ******* time on letting you close.
You warned me that you would break me but I thought
For once I was strong enough to survive the pain
But it turns out you were right and I was wrong.
Your promises turn to poison in my ear
Slowly acidically burning through me.
Melting what's left. I hate you and the pain you cause....
No I don't hate you, who am I kidding I love you but I hate myself for it.
The black is coming back and soon the scarlet will follow....
Oh wait the scarlet is already here decorating my darkness
Reminding me once again that insanity is the only sweet escape
From this life, this pain....hopefully I don't wake up again....
Hopefully those little white orbs hold a sweet rest for me.
Let the black consume me
Those scarlet lines making it so much more complete
You've broke me...
Hate....hate till there's nothing left
And as I cry I hope I never forget this pain
So I know better than to hope.
Oh sweet insanity
Oh loving darkness swallow me so I can once again join my demons.
Let me join them
And let not even death tear us apart.
Shred all humanity left in me
So this pain goes away
And make everything cease to exist.

Colors. Colors have so many meanings and the images the convey vary widely.
Black- the color of night, the only time I saw the outside. The color of my room, during nights I silently cried as I was lulled to sleep by muffled shouts.
White- the colors of the walls that I stared at for hours, while I felt myself lose touch on reality.
Gray- the haze in my mind on the days I didn't get out of bed. The fog that many days passed in, melting one memory with the next.
Purple- the bruises from being pinned into place. The marks left on my body because I "deserved" it.
Red- the colors of welts left on my body. The color of the little lines that decorated my wrist and arm.
Yellow- the color of the sun, the treasure I was blessed to see on rare occasions. The cheery brightness that I try to show others, because I'd never wish the other colors on anyone.

he's leaving
i surrounded by nothing
the nothing that is so heavy
it suffocates me
so silent
that it deafens all other noises
so hollow it fills every crevice of my body and mind
like you could touch me and your hand
would simply pass through my entire being

he's leaving
i feel everything
the laughs shared
as i cried in his arms
words whispered
as we declared our love to the world

he's leaving
i feel joy, pain, sorrow
but not anger
i love him still
so i can't say i wish him dead or gone
i love him enough to wish him the best
even though my heart is being handed back to me
in a million pieces
those pieces are all the memories shared
they're the kisses, the hugs...
they're everything

he's leaving
i wonder
does he knows that as he walks away
he still has a part of me with him
a part that can never be given
nor taken back

he's leaving
i remain
or  what's left of me remains
still loving what i shouldn't
hoping for useless things

he's leaving
i can't hate
not someone who was my best friend
someone i cared for completely
someone who showed me
how beautiful the world could be

he's leaving
and as he does
i hope he sees in my eyes
the love i still have
the wish i'm hoping
that he can forevermore be happy

he's leaving
he's gone...

Loneliness
being alone
I've tasted it at its sweetest
at its bitterest
but nothing could match this hole in my heart
they say that missing someone
is your hearts way of reminding you
that you love them
if this is true
I've never loved anyone
as much as i love you
this ache that consumes me
shows how much I've come to love you
your presence gone from my side
my hand left empty
your scent no longer lingers near me
how is it that at one time
i could last on my own
without any real ties
to hold me down
but now i catch myself looking over my shoulder
looking for you
there's so much I've gone through
moments i wanted to share with you
But every time i looked
you weren't there
you've become my weakness
but if weak is what i am
then why do i feel strongest with you by me
you pass through my mind every day
all day
how could a one time stranger
affect me in this way
how could someone make me this happy
how their happiness can become mine too
i guess you could call me a fool
wanting something every one is telling me is not going to last
thats not real
but im gonna try
i will always be there for you
i guess being alone
has taught me how to love
and love in a way that i never thought possible
i won't ask
for forever
because forever is a hell of a lot to give
but i promise all i have to you
even if its not much to give
i give it to you

Am I worth keeping around? Truly? Then why isn't anything I do right to you? Why can't you accept what I've chosen for myself? Am I not intelligent enough to chose the right thing? You sit there criticizing me, yet say you're proud? You take out all your anger on me, yet say you love me? I don't understand. How can you say I'm one thing but then say I'm something completely different? Is it me or you?
How can you expect me to stay as you push me away while you chase after something else? Am I not worth it? You say you do it for me but when something goes wrong you say its my fault? I didn't make you come, so how's is your decision my fault? I can't say these things out loud because of how you'll react? And yet you wonder why I'm not completely open with you when all you do is point out that everything I say is wrong.  How I won't speak my mind, but when I do you drop me to the floor. I'm smarter than a dog, I learn that doing something that led you to hit me,  will most likely lead you to do it once more.
You sit there talking down to me....You have no right to criticize me, not after what you've done, what you did, not even last night. You get mad at me when you tell me these things and I don't jump for joy. I'm sorry if you feel guilt as you do these things, but that's not my fault. That is your own conscience speaking.
Why must you take everything out on me? Is this my purpose? If so, I'd rather not exist, because it would be less painful. Not existing could never hurt more than the  disappointment I see in your eyes, the anger in your voice,  or the daggers you call words.
I bang my head against the wall trying to figure out where you and I stand. Who are you? Who am I? Are you right or am I? Why does everything fade into a gray blur when it comes to me and you? I sit wondering if things will get better, or if that's another false promise you gave me to cling to? Is anything you've told me true? Can I hold onto any of the promises, or should I be warned by the venom that you spew in my direction when things don't go the way you wanted...Can you see what you're doing to me?
I'm so torn, I don't think I can be mended. But I never act on these things, not the way most people would...I guess you could say my undying respect and loyalty for you are some of my more pathetic traits. So here I'll remain, with my mind melting in it's fiery turmoil, standing beside you regardless...

My heart
Will you hold it?
After years of wear and tear?
Can you hold it as it crumbles
Through the worn out bandages?
Are you gentle enough not to shatter what's left?
Are you strong enough to hold it together?
Are you warm enough to keep it from turning into ice?
Are you hot enough to spark a fire from within?
Will you?
Can you?
Should you?
Are you?
Are you the one for this challenge
Or are you not?
Should you stay here for me
Or should you not?
Tell me now, you must
Lie to me not
Will you hold my heart,
Or will you leave me to bust?
Will I?
Can I?
Should I?
Am I?
Will I be the one to mend your broken heart?
To show you its okay to love once again?
Will I be the one to make you smile?
Or be the one to make you laugh?
Can I hold on to the fire in you without being burned?
Can I light a passion that will last?
Should I let you in?
Or should I not?
Should I try?
Or should I not?
Am I the one you'll keep?
Am I worthy enough to stay by?
If I let you hold this wreckage
This wreckage I call my heart
Will you keep it safe within the fortress
The fortress you call your heart?
Within you
Within me
If you say "I love you too"
That is where you'll always be

I saw... I saw how you broke the strongest person I know. How you made her fall to her knees. You'll never know how her cries haunt me to this day. "Never trust...keep them away...walls" these thoughts ran and still run through my head. Over and over like a broken record that's beginning to shred my sanity. Look at what you've done.
I can't understand how you can walk in here like you've done nothing wrong. Do you feel no guilt? Does the fact that you crushed her mean anything to you?
But no, you're right, you always are. Your excuses will always defy logic while you manipulate all your wants to seem right, proving us wrong. Your hypocrisy shreds all other insanities.
Will you ever know how when you broke her you shattered me? These scars I have, the scars I hide, they came from you always reminding me what happens when I trust someone.
Own this, take responsibility. You boast about your accomplishments already, so why not this? Because it might ruin your image, show the rest that your not all they perceive you to be. Or will it hurt your ego to know that you've done wrong.
Because of you I play it safe. Not trusting those around me with my thoughts, emotions, heart... But thats how you wanted it, isn't it. For me to not trust.
You know, I find it funny that you wonder why I try pulling away harder every time you tighten my leash. Yeah its ironic how I don't want to come to you when all I get are the verbal smacks of what a terrible person i am, of all I do wrong, of how disappointed you are that I'm not better.
But I'm done, I'm not a dog and I refuse to let you dictate this part of my life. I'm human. I'm allowed flaws, opinions, and imperfections. These scars, they make me beautiful. They're battle I've fought, that I've won. So i refuse not to trust, because not everyone judges me the way you do. I refuse... I refuse to be refused my rights as a human being and I refuse to deny everything that makes me, me.
So here, take it back. Take it all back. All the lies, false promises, persecution,denial,hate...take it back, all the blows you gave me. All the cracks to my body while I cried for you to stop, but prayed you wouldn't so that you would not see the little boy I was hiding in the corner.
You know, I'm standing here right now broken, busted but I am not defeated. I will never let you hold me down. Because...because I'm worth it. I'm worth all the dreams I have, all the hopes I carry and all the love given to me. And for all those people like me, so are you.

It makes me smile
When nothing else can
I'll do anything for it
Jump a building
Do a handstand
Sing my ABC's
I'll be the queen of comedy
So that I may hear its music
It builds friendships
Breaks barriers
It's so special
Yet so common
Laughter

you don't know me
and you never will
unless you stop looking at me
and only seeing me the way
you visualize me
in your narrow mind

you can't force on me
the "me" you want me to be
if you do
i will disappoint you
for the real me
is like nothing you know

why can't i be enough
just as i am
why can't you understand
why can't you see me
how can you know
the real me
if you refuse to see anything
that wasn't your ideal

So until you finally choose
to see the person I really am
I will leave you in your own denial
and not return til you truly understand

walking worn streets
passing alleyways
I see them again
they are standing where they always do
I yearn to join them
but cannot
for I am coal

they sneer their distaste
"go home," they growl
"you're not welcome"

dogs in the alleyway
bark as they chase a cat
poor cat
cat that is coal

we are coal
not wanted
***** filth
better burned

longing to be wanted
we are not
for we are coal

when will they see
that within the coal
there is a diamond
waiting to shine

There was a time when I was alone on the unsteady ground of life. I was too scared to stand; the shadows of life telling me that I'd fall if I tried.That fear was so over whelming it caused me to sink lower so that I could feel the comfort of the ground.
That's where you found me.You walked in confidently; so sure of your own balance. Then you looked my way and smiled. My heart stop of wonder and shock. Who was this that could stand so easily? You came and offered your hand. I took it and you helped me to my feet. Together you helped me steady myself.
I thought you a gift from heavan. But then as I leaned on you in this shaky world, you showed your true self. You let me get usteady smirking at me because I needed you and you knew it.Every timed this happened I gripped tighter to you. I didn't want to fall. Just when I thought I would; you'd steady me once again causing me to forget that is was you who had almost caused it.
You took me on your merry ride...
balanced, unstable, balanced....
Then one day with that smug grin, you let me fall and walked away.You didn't even look back. I was alone again, on my own in this unsure world. I didn't know what to do, but I knew one thing--
I wanted to stand again. I tried on my own despite the doubts telling me I couldn't.Slowly I got up. As I did I expected to fall, but I didn't. After all you put me through I actually learned to stand on my own. So instead of looking back and hating you; I look back thanking you because you helped me find my balance.

One more breath to take,
One more heartache to live through,
One more tear to shed.
One more...
If there's one more I swear I'll shatter.
None of this can I do on my own.
Only through your love can I survive this.
So, please...
One more.
One more hug,
One more whisper of reassurance,
One more 'I love you' given to me only the way you can.
Lord, I can only live through this because of you.
So if I have to face one more heartache,
If I must shed one more tear;
I ask for one more...
One more of your loving embraces
To hold and comfort me.
So if I must face one more
I want to face that one more with you.