such a feral, taunting creature
   concealed in anxious mind shadow
elusive as the day is too long

its refracted image submerged
   beneath comprehension's surface
defying every attempted grasp

its soothing and alluring voice
   subtly indistinct to my disquiet
like words whispered into a fan

It's all coming back to me now;
     or are these just dream shadows?
If only I could fade into
     the wistful images and claim
        their reality as my own.
I must have some good Karma
     to spend....I just must.

I'd purchase wishes in the colors
     of redemption and salvation.
Brush away past mistakes with strokes
     of love and acceptance,
        appreciation and compassion.
Allow the beauty and purity of innocence
     to resurface and dominate my life's canvas.

fragments of life
scattered on the photoshop floor
discarded moments
deleted before fully developed

urgency depicted as living for today
overexposing the instantaneous
cropping a disjointed existence
from the bitmap of impatience

why the aversion to time's darkroom
where future's blur slowly comes into focus
giving clarity to the contiguous
splicing realization from potential

cut to ending...

a panoramic view of destiny's horizon
where paths converge but never vanish

personal journal musings from last week...*

Stopped in at my neighborhood pub last night
  a couple of pints, some word exchange
Colorful place on a perfect Spring evening
  people on tap, constantly spilling in and out

The place is bustling and packed
  loud and dynamic
Sound flowing on open air
  drifting in from sidewalk patio and out to beer garden

Luckily nab a lonely stool near the entrance
  girl sitting kitty-corner around curving end of bar
Casually we cover topics from her mac 'n cheese
  to wind chill generated by ceiling fans

Conversation is suddenly confiding
  prior night's end-all fight with her live-in boyfriend
Obvious need to talk to someone neutral
  bartenders are busy, so it's me and we do

She's come seeking emotional sanctuary
  awaiting his departure to some event
Unhappy with her role in the argument
  unhappy with the person she has become with him

They'd intended to go ring shopping
  as recently as last week
She now looks forward only to the comfort of
  quiet, pajamas, ice cream, dreamless sleep

Upon leaving, she twice asks that I promise
  to be here if she finds no solitude and must return
This is no request...more of an appeal
  alone in privacy is one thing...alone in festivity another

I promise twice - I'll be here
  she doesn't return
I sincerely hope that she's well on her way to
  an ice cream induced pj slumber

              Less than an hour later...same bar stool

Pleasingly boisterous bachelorette party arrives
  staking claim to a nearby parcel of floor
Numerous "excuse me" squeeze-throughs  for drink orders
  rendering me a semi-familiar bar obstacle

One reveless wedges in, questions me
  what color underpants do I have on...don't recall
Insists that we check...dark bluish-grey
  too bad...she was hoping for purple to match her own

Impishly waiting long enough for my mind to stew
  she finally reveals the query as part of a formal interactive checklist
I apologize for not being more daring in spectrum
  we laugh, nevertheless...strike one

Eventually exchanging pleasantries with another
  a more subtle approach, but the inquisition repeats
Here we go again...Batter up!...Red?...very sorry...strike two
  I'm feeling of no value to this effort

Red offers me a redeeming pitch from the list
  someone must serenade the bride-to-be
I accept and get to meet the veiled celebrity
  she wears an engaging and jubilant aura

Gauging the atmosphere, I decide against romantic
  opting for a song that playfully questions the sanity of her choice
From my heart, I sing the chorus to Matchbox Twenty's "Unwell"
  It goes over very well and I avoid strike three

She and I hit it off, we discuss her wedding plans
  discover our roots are in the same part of the city
I'm rewarded for my musical contribution
  allowed to buy her a shot of Patrón...the checklist dwindles

Now partaking in the excitement of their celebration  
  an honorary addition to the large but exclusive group
My joyous new acquaintance has us take a picture together
  a snapshot of this special occasion to which I've somehow been privileged

A train of waves, goodbyes, thanks, and good lucks
  trails the party as I watch it crawl to the next establishment
In the hushed cacophony, I return to my thoughts
  a fantastic diversity of emotional experience within two short hours

My elbows on the bar in sober contemplation
  counting crows ...one...two...juxtaposed
A contrast of simultaneous realities
  somberly lamenting vs vibrantly anticipating

Reflecting on the beauty in such contrasts
  that serve to define the images of our lives
I finally come to the inevitable conclusion
  it's time for another pint...of ice cream

an onslaught of words
a stampede of wit
the mundane trampled
the futile escaped

shouts absorbed
idiocy exchanged
insanity tempered
reality revealed

bent elbows flowing
pints of clarity instilled
brief release of balance
falling through the craic

appearing without warning
gently viscous in her flow
oblivious of her potency

infusing the atmosphere
breath of anise laced honey
tasteful in her subtlety

gifting sanity gracefully
a willow swaying on hilltop
palatable sensuality

a playful elegance
colors the uncertainty
in her whispered concern...
are you sure?

make no mistake...
this is a poem of love and libation

personal journal musings from last week...

Reading in my local coffeehouse last week
  a very large, urban place, always crowded
Well...reading, talking, and watching the human circus in action
  I go there a lot

Taking a standing break from my comfy chair
  one of several surrounding a fireplace
I turn around to view the street activity
  through the windows behind me

A girl I noticed walking by a bit earlier is seated at the window bar
  she catches my eye and lights up like a firework
Exploding from her seat with purpose
  she moves directly toward me with a sparkling trail of excitement

I race through the flash drive of my mind
  searching for a memory to go with the vaguely familiar face
It bothers me when someone recognizes me
  and I can't reciprocate and this appears to be an extreme case

No luck...so I go into my identification crisis default mode
  basically over-animation to distract and buy time
She's quickly in front of me and very close
  greeting me with the type of enthusiasm that leaves me breathless

We hug, or maybe not, unclear right now
  as I am lost in the sparkle of her intense eye contact
She is speaking fast and familiarly, but I don't catch much of it
  until she asks if there is room for us to sit together..."ummm sure"

She flies back to her seat to collect her things
  as I stand there stunned and pleasantly confused
My whole being warmed by our interaction
  feeling so beautifully interconnected

Returning with the same effusive energy
  she engages me with a huge, expectant smile
She lifts her hand so that its contents hover next to her beaming face
  exclaiming "I even brought you a red velvet cupcake!"

Well those words are the death knell for my improbable daydream
 now obvious that this is a rendezvous, probably an internet date
I apologize (more sorry than she could know*)
  relating that there must be some mistake

She asks whether my name is ...
  I reluctantly reply that it's not
Then her face takes on several shades of embarrassment
  as she glances past me to her actual date a few chairs away and she flees

It happens so fast that I don't even have time to thank her
  not that she'd appreciate the gratitude in her present state
I turn to see them immediately leaving
  likely, and understandably, a sudden change of plans

I hope to see her again if only to elevate her recollection
  of our shared experience, laugh about it together
I know this is a big city
  but a small world...I tell myself

Whenever I replay this film short of my life
  I may just edit out the scene after the cupcake presentation

  I so cherish red velvet greetings

reality abruptly removed the veil
  realization mercifully provided the light
a binary being seeking his own level
  attempting to rise to the surface of himself

if peaceful existence is based on choice
  then personal dogma tablets need chiseling
if afterlife is fashioned from belief systems
  then intimate mysteries need conceiving

dialogue of a dress rehearsal for an actual life
  faithlessly hidden within lines of complexity
alliterated ambiguously, expressed equivocally
  setting the stage for reincarnation's passion play

I'm tired of beauty
incessantly meddling in my affairs

luring me to venture outside myself
revealing hidden radiance within

disguising life's dismal undercurrent
reducing it to a superficial veneer

randomly appearing by surprise
stubbornly eliciting a smile

performing alchemy on the mundane
dousing my awareness in the elixir of life

beauty...
the pulchritude of spirit...that's all it is...

The ivory light of moon surrounds you,
emanates in tones you send to me
on my staircase perch with a bittersweet view of forever.

I hear the melodic beauty of your love,
your courageously wrapped gift in pink ribbon,
as you concentrate through your pain.

I sadly sense that I'll soon lose you to your journey,
but you know better than I how to celebrate life,
how to play the music of now.

I'll carry every note with me always,
replay them quietly on my heartstrings,
harmoniously tuned to the genuine energy of your soul.

the clothespin is growing full
time for hanging out to dry
initially the tears gone by
followed by freshly inked pages

words beyond lyrics escape me
sounds without notes are tuned out
a brand of merciful oblivion
melodic morphing of the moment

having forsaken reconciling past
having abandoned present rationale
the future becomes mine to ignore
merely rogue feelings incarnate

Inherent nearsightedness
  a natural tendency
  to appreciate flaws up close
Inherited farsightedness
  an acquired ability
  to step back and perceive beauty

microchaos...macrobalance

a semblance of perfection...
all the reality one needs

Emotional ground undermined
   without a warning...
      no trembling earth
      no animals evacuating

I must have unintentionally fed
   the natural frequency of my support.
It rocked to music and unfinished memories
   until it failed me.

Dropped like a stone...long fall...hard landing.
Dark down there...Don't think I'll venture that way again.

reverberating down endless fjords
  louder than an aching heartbeat
an alluring cardio-tinnitus
  ringing at the wavelength of life

clouds appear oblivious to such calls
  forever bordering sea and sky
albeit restlessly on the move
  concealing their turbulence within

myself bound to superficial drifting
  keel scraping along jagged depths
aimlessly navigating the narrows
  deaf to the serenade of reason

when one door closes...
then it can also be locked
an unintentional specialty of mine

some close of their own volition
others require a little nudging
leaving those that need be kicked

i've walked through them all
beneath their porticos of promise
over their thresholds of dreams

spaces beyond so warm and inviting
or ominously dark and foreboding
but entry is inevitably mandatory

a lament in keyhole retrospective
reduced in scope and visibility
incomprehensibly limiting foresight

begrudgingly resigned to redesign
wishes trapped beyond mortal reach
accessible only with a skeleton key

cultivating the energy
of inner space
balancing on the meridian
of organic growth
breathing with the pressure
of profound feeling
stretching the spectrum
of infinitely blue moments

…so as to triply warm hearts

Don't want to speak too soon
   or speak too late, for that matter

Should speak up and speak out
   ...cat got your tongue?

But not speak ill or speak out of turn
   ...bite your tongue!

Above all, speak the truth, your truth
   ...not with a forked tongue

Truth be told
   sometimes I don't want to speak at all
And if you knew me
   that would truly be saying something

Speak!...Speak!...Good boy...

Exclusively molded in the divine image
  or egos big enough to declare it so
A dangerous theory
  a disastrous belief system

Gardeners of Eden
  turned stewards of entropy
Superiority conquest of nature
  symbiotic balance forsaken
  
Jealous hoarders of spirituality,
  sentience, self-awareness, intelligence
The irrational glorification of reason
  despite a history of upheaval and war

Bullies on the playground of manifest destiny
  exploitive excess worshiped as progress
Arrogantly intoxicated on the dregs of Pandora's jar
  blindly stumbling toward self-destruction 

Welcome to the valley of the shadow of death
             Environmental Armageddon

A black and white world doesn't suit me
  I have a visceral response to generalizations
  that serve to minimize, demonize, marginalize

Neither can I accept an existence sheltered in grey
  restrictively deliberating in the narrow space
  between cautious optimism and healthy skepticism

The spectrum of possibility is infinite
  when seen with an open mind and giving heart
  at the risk of discovering beauty

the moon is waxing
the tide is flowing
my soul is coming into estrus

there are no answers
only decisions to be made
actions to be taken

the universe is waiting
courting my being
an invitation to expand

a natural work of art
   unnaturally rearranged
delicate sensibilities
   under patterns of shadow

self-portrait of inertia
   depicting withdrawal
pursuit of recognition
   motionless in futility

muted colors of being
   imbalance in the spectrum
intrinsic inquisition
   casting quality of light

fruits of perseverance
   nourishment for survival
openness and acceptance
   creating spatial composition

flowers in heart's vase
   healing from suffering
light from obscurity
   still life with darkness

Will you please watch my stuff?
    I don't know how long I'll be gone.
You may finish my iced tea if you'd like;
    I've had more than enough.
In fact, you may keep my stuff;
    I've had more than enough.

junkyard patchwork
mismatched symmetry
residue recalled to life

a tale of another city
one stanza at a time
reborn to dichotomy

should fate reveal
passionless existence
would poetry still be written

Slumbered scratching into a bedside notebook
   lying in darkness under a thick blanket of revelation
Afraid that lamplight may blind these 3am eyes
   to the dim, wispy glow of mystical comprehension

Trusting that valued mysteries will later be deciphered
   from this barely legible scrawl of the night
Refusing to squander such moments of divine lucidity
   captured in a poetic hand written outside the lines

Reluctant to wait until morning lest the light of day
   exposes a tenuous relationship to reality
Causing rays of enlightenment to glance off its surface
   in beams of obscure and superficial logic

Tangential truths
   scribbled in the dark

a structure for intimacy
a romantic equilibrium
energy expressing unity
spaces defining togetherness

a shelter for connection
a purity for tender hearts
floating amid life's tensions
compressing the trance of time

a twofold architecture
a stability of shared dreams
separately exploring life
integrally discovering truth

Stanza 1
yada, yada, yada
...something clever

Stanza 2
blah, blah, blah
...something sincere

Stanza 3
la, la, la
...something profound

Stanza 4
yeah, yeah, yeah
...something vague

Stanza 5
etc, etc, etc
...something touching

Stanza 6
hmm, hmm, hmm
...something to ponder

Should I post this mess?
...meh...

delicate springs of sensibility...
wound so tightly
by life's twists and turns
relieved intermittently
by uncoiling poetic release
ticking away periods of peace
...like clockwork

Sifting through your words,
     anxious to find a nugget of truth.
Chipping away at your facade,
     desperately searching for a vein of hope.

I was a fool for mistaking hope as precious,
     trying not to rub you the wrong way.
You barely allowed me to scratch your surface,
     which should have told me everything I needed to know.

that we exist
that we are whole
that we are worthy
that we are accepted
that we are respected
that we are connected
that we are appreciated
that we are of consequence

that we even matter at all...

I'm unapologetically a bit too sensitive
   highly attuned to inanimate feelings

the lone Cheerio circling the drain is given
   a kindred companion for its journey

considerate thought is given to the preferences
   of animal crackers...heads or legs bitten first

many items are thanked before discarded
   others parted with reluctantly if ever

a twinge of conscience is felt while pruning
   perfectly healthy leaves from house plants

objects are arranged in pairs and groups
   in a compassionate effort for inclusion

The Velveteen Rabbit makes perfect sense to me