I feel so brave
Yet so scared
I look into the mirror
And something dreadful stares

I feel a sickness in my mind
Feeling feelings
I thought I had left behind

White numbness in the days
blinding fury
bursting through the haze

Nobody seems to understand
Nor seems to care
Nobody seems to realise
I'm neither here

nor there

Have you ever tried to cry
But the tears just won't come?
Ever seen a darkness
That seems to block out your sun?

Have you ever hurt yourself to feel alive
From your own thoughts
Trying, trying, trying to hide

The doubts and insecurities
They just never seem to give in

I guess maybe
Maybe

One day I'll win

Are my words too hard to swallow?
Did I offend the offense in which you wallow?
We are quick to judge, to blame those in power,
yet we break our own rules, every hour

The truth is too scary so it's not a fact,
slowly humanity dies from a heart attack -
we are oh-so-happy to believe all the lies
and yet recoil in horror as we unleash the flies

Satan's on speed dial, but he won't pick up
too disgusted with this world we've fully ******* up
fear spreads to every nation
but progress is contagious, so it's stuck at the same station

In a world when diversity upsets the masses
in a stagnant society that kisses the ignorant ***** -
What have we become, has it really been here all along?
Are we forever doomed to sing our own swan song?

If life was a flutter
of the wings of a butterfly
and love was the mutter
of feelings both here,
and gone by

If sadness was a kiss
on my trembling cheek
and lies were a snake's hiss,
from a barbed tonge
it speaks

If remembrance held my hand,
comforted me through the sorry nights
and if silence were a flicker
a watching angel
keeping on the lights

If my love for you could walk
it would run faster than any cheetah
and if your trust could talk
it would embrace me,
grow deeper,

If time stood more than
and caressed all that is true,
and if I am only but a man
and you are my life

well for that

I thank you.

It’s been so long
Since I’ve woken to an empty bed
It’s been so long
Since I’ve had septic thoughts suffocate my head

Your eyes so blue,
I could stare for endless years

Cutting through the fog, you make me feel
Make me feel like I’m close to tears

Once seeking comfort from those
Who closed their blinds on my twisted mind
You wouldn’t understand what I’ve been through
And the pieces that I’ve left behind

The time has finally come
To move forward and forget the past
Like the cigarettes I used to smoke
That façade is now nothing but ash

It’s been so long
One foot in heaven, one in the grave
Shackled by a pain
this lovestruck fool you’ve willingly saved

Your eyes so blue,
I could stare for all of time

The time for change is now
I am yours, and you are mine.

As a nation stands still
swallowed by a tide so ferocious, it kills,
as our streets, once so lively, now stand dead
held by fear, a contagious anchor of lead

And yet the birds will still sing in the morn
and the sun will still rise at dawn -
life is more stubborn than the death it evades
you just need to open your ignorant eyes, see what's at stake

We may feel seperated, anxious, alone
and there may be others who are sadly gone
but together in this blindness we will *****
for even in the darkest corner there is hope

Marvels of technology abound
there is communication all around
from letters, to video chats and phone calls
as long as we stay sensible and not panic, we will not fall

Keep your loved ones safe by keeping your distance
only venture out if necessary, ignore your selfish insistence
do you really need the object you desire
do you not care about being a potential killer liar?

Our backs are up against the wall
the selfish acts still occurring, apalls
if you do not heed our government's cries
someone else, or others, will die

The sky will still be blue in a few months time,
the mountains will still stand for us to climb,
we need to wait, relax, keep our front doors shut
for if we don't, will some of us still be here?
I fear not.

Song birds sing in the morning dawn
no longer waking with a tired yawn
a calm surrender of things of the past
a path forwards I can pave, at last

Who be this new man -
moving onwards rather than stand?
There's a future in his eyes I can see
for, no longer in tears, he sleeps

Grasping a star and holding it close
rather than hold onto anger, he let it go
an absence of darkness, what is this?
What, no, could it be? Happiness?

There you are
with your new guitar and bleached hair,
stood before
a torrent of chants that do not care

Do you sing a song of pity,
of self loathing and freedom?

Do you sing a song of lies,
of politics and deceiving?

There you stand
with shaking arms inside a designer shirt
gazing out with
a smile fastened so tight it hurts

skin unfeeling as the grand drapes start unreeling
exposing a mass of faces vile and cheating

Oh shall we lead these fans and followers,
like rats to the water?

Do we take their willing hands
and lead the lambs to the slaughter?

When humans digest so much emotion it boats their heads
'tis the seed of exploding bombs and streets that run red
infected with disillusioned beliefs and false prophets
oh what do we do when the paranoia rockets?

*******, drugs and easy friends
writing songs and music, distracted messages that fail to send -

Do we sing a song of peace,
of fair equality and proprietary?

Or shall we sing a song of truth,
of gluttony, of the ***** stain that is our society?

Ghosts of past icons hung on the walls,
echoes of music whispering through halls

of stained chequered linoleum floors,
incarnadine crimson curtains and dead applause

welcome to Tranquility Lane Hotel
where all you see is broken
welcome to the devourer of dreams, where
you can buy shame with one chipped casino token

when all you fear is real, and all you wish is perished

when all the world around is charred, here we have everything you ever cherished

*****, drugs, fights and ***
money, food, water and insects

the mutant hounds of the apocalypse screech and howl
as you sit back in a freshly perfumed bath towel
watching old TV adverts of a world gone by
an era decimated in the blink of an eye

stretch back and sip that brilliant post-war champagne
please ignore the screams and mysterious stains

no one ever leaves, no one ever tells,

welcome traveller to

Tranquility Lane Hotel.

Strangers in the morning dawn
I saw your face against the morning sun
you kiss me though my lips are cut
loving me though my heart was shut

you drove a wedge between my tortured mind
you let me leave my nagging demons behind
those crystalline eyes of pure truth
never in all my time, never in all my youth

would I have thought
I'd have found the most perfect girl in you.

A man is not a man without a heart 

but a shell, wherein loneliness rips apart 

every morsel of truth, infecting with lies 

bitterness and longing buzzing about like flies 


there was a time a few years back where I could not see past the wall

a mental structure I built to crawl away from all

I grew cold, I grew callous, I did not care 

at the corpse in the mirror at which I stared 


the days were black and the hours mundane 

with each setting sun my lust for life waned 

I was broken, devoid of strength, seemingly through 

then everything changed the second I met you 


you know I care not for expressing feelings or emotion 

or should I say, expressing is something which I struggle 

but our stupid jokes, the little quips and kisses 

are something I've so long been missing


you're perfect to me, and that's the truth 

and I just wanted to say I love you

I can feel him clawing at my insides
a Swan blackened and broken -

lurking, he does hide

a figment of my deranged imagination

volatile, bruised, tortured, shattered

the altar of self pity, on which 
dead Angels wings are splattered 

help me, 
for I cannot think right 

help me, 
for all that is true hides in sight 

help me, 
I don't know who I am 

oh friend, where is thy former man?

Sorrow gnawing holes in these summer days 
nights passing trains, thoughts meaningless haze 
it itches my skin, contracting like muscle sinew 
the ***** dilapidated and cold from which he grew 

they wanted beauty, perfection, so I will giveth it 
the outside glitters like gold, but the inside stinks like **** 

who am I to stop the man that wants to come forth
for is it not true life will be better -

and so, if not?

To all you paranoid schizophrenic eclectics out there;
the Cranklatches are real
hiding 'neath your stairs 

dwelling under your sorry beds
creeping while you're sleeping
stealing your distorted heads 

who am I to obtain self control 
wish for just some clarity 
for thoughts non-hazy and whole 

It's not the drugs I think 
nor the ****** fluids in my 
ex-friends sink 

It's not the smell of decaying 
trust 
nor the world outside my wall
that fall, it must

It's the Cranklatches, yes the Cranklatches
spreading lies and hovering like flies 
polluting my ideas with fascist intentions

poisoning my days
with perverse hallucinations 

But I know of
yes I have seen

Their plots, their plans
their visions of a bloated and resolute future

watch out
they inhale your whispers

even here, are they with us?

Like the greying skin of a dying hand 

my sanity has diminished

alas had I not planned -

to lose touch with the outside world
to build a wall to protect from all that's rotten, curled?

[Mother made all your fears come true 
even absent Mother shadows what is true]

The days now pass distorted and hazed
pleading in the eyes that I gaze 
thus the jurors bicker, snicker, connive and remark 
passing judgement deep within thy dark;

"Evening Pale God, my good sir, my dire honour 
here we have the source of all the horror;

feelings. 

Feelings of emptiness and fury.
A concoction of illness and insecurity."

It's all in my mind, it's all in my head 
fascist ideologies and guilt dripping red 
am I not worthy of mercy -
not worthy of forgiveness -
oh how do I cure this volatile mental sickness?! 

"Never in all my time 
have I come across one so willing to die
but too fearful to pull the trigger.

You think the world laughs at your sorry state 
alas you're the one that sniggers."

Money money, greed's sweet honey 
buying all but honesty, and truth -
If only I could take that old revered gun 
point and shoot -

AHHHH!!!

Insane, deranged, perverted, vile 

I'm all and none

I've ran out of places to hide 

from the voices that contradict this depression 
finally rising to the top with blistering aggression


"It's time to **** the snake that mutated into disease
**** the snake of pain you try to appease.

Young sir, it's time to uncorrupt them all

It's time to bring down the wall.

- - -

The time has come to let things pass 
to not allow the loneliness to last

'Tis time to sing songs of peace 
and caring

and ignore the nothingness at which I have been staring.

A serious stare behind broken eyes 
half the man I was, wounded a thousand times

Who am I now?

Life chewed me up and spat me out 
ignorant to my pleas, to my juvenile shouts
stability refreshing in the ever-shifting sands 
happiness short-lived, greying like the skin of a dying hand 

I opened old wounds with the razor of disdain 
to feel alive I had to feel my own pain 
times change, I will not be 21 forever 
my youth as beautiful, yet fragile, as that of a feather 

a hundred times heartbreak I have cherished 
when the promise of hope constantly perished 
throughout my existence my dreams have evaded me 
nightmares forging the person I'm destined to be 

for now I have lost silver, yet gained gold 
lost my job but still my heart is sold 
a weary warrior of a war within myself 
forever anticipating losing it all, 
losing love
losing wealth 

Who am I now?
What have I become?

Who is that tired man?
Where has the old one gone?

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Valentine's a load of ****
And so are you

I ripped my heart out to make way for a new one 
the future is bright and the past is done 
I destroyed myself, yet I still brush off the dust
the new year's started and I've found someone I can trust 

countless exploits I've tried and failed 
and when all seemed destroyed my strength prevailed 
there have been days bleak, nights filled with tears
times I have broken down, myself I've feared 

and yet through all black, still I saw something bright 
a promise of hope that danced from my sight 
gathering my thoughts and my shattered pieces 
I snatched back my life and started ironing out the creases 

the downward spiral is but a tempest of inner fury 
all of a sudden you become judge, executioner and jury 
there were days where it was too easy to give up
there were days when I prayed my eyes would stay forever shut 

But I'm still here
still beating, still breathing 

I am my own god 
death will have to wait to start his thieving 

I'm still here, I'll shout it again, I'll shout it aloud!

I've re-started my life

and finally, of myself, I can say I'm proud.

Hey there pretty, I'm sorry I had to
fall in love

hey there cruel world,
I'm sorry I had to give up

- - -

HEY

GOD

oh won't you listen to me -

I've ******* had enough!

- - -

I'm throwing up the wall to block out the sin
for no matter how I try I never seem to win,

everything good is broken

now I don't even care

my eyes are bloodshot swollen

from the misery that I stare


when your heart beats

but you're not sure if you're still living

when you love others

but still they're not giving

you realise to yourself, maybe now's the time


to drop the final gear and just drive


surround yourself with emptiness, not much else to miss
take your shattered pride and give it a ****** kiss

rip out that septic ***** and replace it with something anew
mesh together callousness and loathing

by flesh, cartilidge and sinew

["You're Pathetic."]

- - -

I don't need no confirmation

I don't want no self control

broken hearts, slit apart

past and present to unfold

HEY GOD

oh won't you give me your hand to hold?

Your tongue's not needed to make me bleed

I've got razor blades to cut me

the drugs don't soften only silent me -

the writings on the wall


Oh Christ,


how long do I have to fall?

- - -

I took a bite of the apple and it soured in my mouth
again my mood has plummeted, dived South

the world stands with shifty feet and itchy gazes
as upon my mind the Archangel grazes

using his claws to separate my dying thoughts
his sly tongue lilts and distorts

The Pale God is dead, and so are all the other jokes
I grasped my nastiest and mercilessly choked

the nights out of my constant nightmares
but now I cannot think, now I am scared

I've destroyed so much I no longer cease to exist
just floating in this universe like a pathetic mist

I have tasted lust, I have tasted perfection

I have been betrayed by trust and ridiculed by deception

Happiness, if only.

Upon a yellowing canvas, a painting entitled Crimson Dawn,

leering faces peeping through the paint that it's been drawn 

It's red, it's dead, one cold frenzied mess
painted from the blood of the many that came to confess.

He's a priest and a disgusting liar 
worshipping not a god but the power he desires 
what's good is gone, buried in the catacombs of greed 
on grief and sins like a bloated mosquito he feeds 

give us temptation and our humanity instantly degrades 
memories, love, identity; all empty idols that fade -

shambling skeletons following us to our graves

manipulation is but a disease

unleashing the worst we strive to appease

leaving innocence a dry husk on the floor

lust draining our bodies like a leprositic *****

he's drawing pictures with stolen blood
not because he had to, but because he could
not insane, nor evil, but simply obsessed 
a Psychopath protected in the uniform that he's dressed - 

In a world that's pathetic and sin ridden

who is God, and can he ever be forgiven?

The Cranklatches are here
and they've come out to play

creaking and clanking
through the dying light of day

mechanical pixies
with robotic complexion

dead-pan demons
devoid of affection.

Leaving few traces,
and stealing children's faces -

oil stained, macabre and free

vile intentions disguised
by the perfect plans they've devised -

masquerading as you

or as me.

Auriferous
vicious
nasty
and sly

Grotesque
burlesque
hasty
and wry

but one thing I wonder
about these prolific creatures;

(or, Freaktures)

they're greedy,
they're seedy,
they're selfish and thieving -

but

Isn't that the same with us human beings?

Broken memories and shattered lies
embers of mistrust glowing 'neath bloated skies,
it foams at the mouth and stalks our littered streets
a manifestation of grievance walking upon cloven feet

the screech of metal on rust, within the night a cry
lurking in the shadows in the corners of your eyes,
the Jabbersnatch is here and it's come for nobody but you
an abomination stealthy, surveying all that you do,

his blood is gold, his teeth splintered tooth picks
his amber eyes ecstasy that fits and splits

his role is to devour the wicked and the vile
the blood of his victims smeared upon his smile -

- - - -

The Jabbersnatch is here, he chuckles beneath my sink
the Jabbersnatch is here, I haven't slept a wink
the Jabbersnatch is here; oh my God, oh my days - what have I done?!

the Jabbersnatch is here

and he wants to have some *fun

Surrounded by false idols, the emptiness stares
all I ever wanted was for someone to care -
dead as the beat thrumming in my heart
a pain dislocated from the world

restless

apart

get your hand off mine
you ain't 18 anymore
there's no point in life
if nothing's sore

the hurt says you're still breathing
because one day your winning
and the next you're weeping

they sing of Angels and Evil
whilst ******* upon their own steeples -
politicians, bankers, users and ******
matrimonial monkeys with ideals

greed and grotesque galore

teary eyes are just a disguise
there's a story behind everything you despise

[I hate our race, just make it quick
God humanity makes me sick]

like rabbits in warrens
we fornicate
we flaw

corrupting minds that were designed

*to experiment, explore

Face of stone she gazes at it's reflection
begging the darkness for its lurid affection
the silence doesn't care, for years secretly she's known
clearing the space where the bitter fury has grown

her bloodshot eyes hides a butterfly of crystal
fragile and delicate, majestic yet wistful 
the world turned, her strength shattering like glass 
a beautiful psyche intoxicated by its past

["Oh please! Don't go!"]

singing upon the banks of heartbreak's river
a voice once so strong now trembles and shivers
fingernails drawn, skin white, ribs concave bars
she gazes to the night's sky into a sea of stars

her babe flew away and left a whole
black and gaping in her heart and soul
whisked to another planet, a distant foreign land,
his kiss a statement forever lingering upon her hand

["The non-existent angels sing
I beg of them to guide me home -"]

*["but my ship's burnt, my virginity dead -
#sob#
oh baby what have I become?"]

When all your morals die

and even if one survives

your beauty taints the stars

a sickening smile like a scar

a corpse by the side of a moonlit road
hiding from the horrors that lie beneath your robe
I can feel the devil within your blood
grasping my dreams with your twisted glove

so just smile like a banshee -
and melt with the setting sun
just smile like a banshee -
and click your loaded lover's gun

****** tongues defy what's right or wrong
innocence a word merely pathetic and blonde
we take risks to live and survive
but I touched your heart and now I writhe

carving the walls of despair to where I've been driven

oh what is love -

and can love ever be forgiven?

Like a Wolf hiding from the hunter
I feel your bared teeth as my breath shudders

both playing the same dangerous game
both toxic in the tongue and mentally insane

I'm the Pariah of selfishness and stupidity
pained by your machinations and humility -

you're a lone wanderer driven by hunger and lust
caring not who you meet nor who you trust

but your ignorance preceeds you, a mundanity that's snapped,
you stole my bloated ego and temporarily sapped
the pride that runs through my vile veins
alas, I'm not one to stay chained -

tension pulsating
both still, waiting,
watching for the other's move
in this clash of hearts

who will win
who will lose

You took my heart and shattered it like glass
never did I need it, love never lasts
broken bones just dreams turned to stone
lies buzzing like flies,

sure, you'll miss me when I'm gone.

The alcohol  tickles like a feather duster
my brains implode as my lungs shudder
what's dead is dead, a corpse cannot rise
alas I have not yet become everything i ever despised

my nightmares are as common as my dreams
happiness is decaying, it seems
I look at my broken face in my shattered mirror
when the void opens, only despair is the winner

my sky was blue, my sun was bright
my fond memories are fading from my sight
like an astronaut roving the starscapes beyond
constantly I'm thinking are my decisions right

or are they wrong?

the lies explode like flak around me
I've seen so much horror i can barely see
but through it all
my past
my torment
scenes ghastly and abhorrent

I look from a window inside my mind
a place when things are critical i hide
like a star shining in the moonlight glare
I touch my heart

and feel that i still care.

It’s a pretty litlle place to call home
a burnt out shell when you’re rotting and gone
a box full of lies, buzzing like flies – sick and intense
a sorrow that simmers, a suffocating incense

Cut your fingers to bleeding stumps
your thoughts clatter round and around, and jump -
it’s all in your head, in your self-destructing mind
you run and run but can’t leave it behind

It follows, devilish and deceptive
your shadow, one ego a blade merciful and acceptive
again you burn the flesh to forget you’re still sane
but you can never escape your own pain

What’s done is done but never forgiven
who am I to play god, I get what I’m given –
if I give in to my insanity, to my fascinations and fears
tell me; will I sleep tonight with no sign of tears?

Did you mistake empathy in my eyes,
my face deathly white and dead
as deep down something broken cries

I shattered myself and was born anew
from the blank numbness an epiphany grew
for why should I care about others
when I'm dejected by all, the darkness covers,

there are rings around my sockets
but I'm wearing designer shirts with fortune in my pockets
my words, once cracked, now slyly lilt
embers of mistrust glow from what I was built

the Thin White Joke has returned
and away the fog of depression he burns
a depreciated figure approaching from the darkness
his strength and bitterness I harness

for I'm desperate, I needed a way out
when I reached to those I loved they ignored my shouts,
so now I've turned to the cruellest corner of my mind
for I know with the Badrock Lover happiness I will find.

My head's like a fortress, I keep my thoughts shut away
my heart is a failed church whereupon I go to pray
the birds seem to float in the golden morning sky
as my eyes bleed from a sleepless night of cries

CRASH!

every castle falls, nothing but shattered memories and rubble
lies and pretence form around like a protective bubble -
I gaze at myself in the mirror with no recognition
once a beacon of strength bled dry by self-mutilation

emotions seeping out like radioactivity
ideas twisted, obscure, lacking creativity
infected by the evil I've strived to appease
anger bulging from the vaults of disease

I can't hold it anymore, my insides are imploding
(corrosive)
surviving with a fear you can taste, ugly and foreboding
(explosive)
cursing my body of scars physical and transparent
on the outside my torture is far from apparent

seeking a saviour, someone to eat away my flesh when it goes black
I'm sick, I'm dying, I just need to go back
to the origin of the despair that's tainted my whole existence
then maybe, just maybe, I can find happiness without any persistence.

*(alas, if only)

A weary lone wanderer running on strength that's sprained
the survivor of a conflict that has left him drained
he walks the streets, paranoia bloating his skull
mentally exhausted, normal life mundane and dull,

reality after the fallout is twisted and pained
the questions that once seethed now die unanswered, unexplained
how could it happen, why should it, why is life so unfair?
Alas he walks the road surrounded by people that no longer care

there's no danger, for it perished when the Lord finally resolved
but the pollution in his mind still remains sick and unsolved
the past ripped apart his sanity, threatened his physical health
now he lives a lie, forever hating himself

for how is he supposed to accept what happened just 'did'
how am I supposed to now take back happiness and peace after they hid?

And when the rest of the world sleep their silent sleepy dreams
the lone wanderer cries to night and breaks at the seams.

Open up your pretty blue eyes and tell me what you see
a liar, a cheat, a shadow festering and torn
or a desperate heathen fighting to be free?

I walk these streets, once with pride, now with a limp
once I could breathe the air and smile, now it stinks,
I don't want a God but I want his power
to turn the ashes blue and the flies to flowers

I'd rebirth the sun to its former brilliant matrimony
at ease with a crystal blue sky, pure harmony
purging the stench of pollution and decay
I'd bleed gold from all that is grey

you only know you're living when you've felt pain
not when you've amassed filth, fortune and fame
life was never meant to be easy, the dark days to rival the good
everyone has a hidden torture seething through their blood -

So open your eyes you beautiful creature
look past my scars, my sins, my horrific machinations and features

saviours aren't like the fairytales, your heroes now wear masks
for it's in perfection that the fat belly of evil basks.

A phoenix rising with smouldering wings
again I drag myself up even though it stings
surrounded by the ash of my filthy lies
finally, finally, pushing away all I ever despised

life broke me down, the shadow I tried to appease
tearing my heart out and falling to my knees -

what's the point in living when you wish you were never born
why try to fan away the flames with a flag that's torn

I wear a different face everyday like a new fashion
I've learnt to pretend and forge false passion
masquerading so much I no longer know who I am
a sad delinquent wreck I'd love to say I'm more than

but the days pass slower, tainted by grey
I fear death but yet I don't want to stay
sickened by the festering tumour of mundanity
I turn to the twisted romance of my insanity

but I have no true friends
merely another being with loose ends

oh I'm so tired, it just drains

the loneliness is calm but it pains

I razored stiletto in my side

alas I must push it to the back of my mind.


*For why do we fall?
To rise back up.

Make a thousand excuses
you'll never be mine

wearing our mangled crowns
Cupid ran out of time

loving despair and our precocious bodies
we are desires lovers

the sweet beautiful nobodies

you whisper sins in my ear
things that others should never hear
a voice that makes my run blood cold
one sliver of poison disguised as gold

teeth that chatter in a perfect melody
a toxic tongue in which pain is the remedy

can you feel that shudder beneath my breast
that's my heart escaping my aching chest

you're filthy, you're pathetic
an obscene blackened liar -
I know I shouldn't
but I'm addicted to my desires

a flash of hope burnt by passion
we wear each other like the latest fashion

our hearts beat but that's not living

Cupid's rotting away

I guess we get what we're given

returning to our troubled pasts
to mistakes we should not go back to

but I don't care as long as I'm with you.

Love is a word too many times I've heard
say it to show affection
to indulge in temptation and lurid satisfaction,

thrown around like a leprositic disease
the blasphemy a sin enough to bring me to my knees

it reeks of fake and knocks me sick
a glimmer of hope that's just too quick
is it any wonder my mind's paralysed
when such a word is a substitute for lies?

The sound churns my stomach, rots my brittle insides
you stupid *****, you've unleashed the septic I tried to hide
a simple word you really shouldn't have said
for now the pale God's alive and my conscious is dead

and now I stroke the shiny scars I bare
wondering if I ever have the capacity to care
the confusion curdles and warps
for what is love when people continue to distort?

Surrounded by nothingness my tortured mind unwinds
I think of your face and my teeth grind
my sanity is shot, my patience is all but through
oh how I love it, oh how I'd love to have never met you

you took my ****** hand, shown me stained gold
you gave me a prize that I can never hold
you've scratched my surface, there's more I can give,
now I'm diseased, for lust is the only reason I live

like a butterfly trying to fly with charred wings
I flounder in self-pity amongst other pathetic things
I've lost my ego, my pride has all but gone
oh but trust me baby girl, you really haven't won

for you've opened up the lock to my narcissistic thoughts
a God within me that warps and distorts
the games you play, it's time you were the pawn
I'll rot your insides with pain, laugh as your soul lies torn

I'll inflict the damage you've done unto myself
I'll laugh as the addiction curdles your health
I'll fill your head with black bloated voices,
coded enigmas that were once the simplest of choices

your lips were only mine to take
you should've thought of that before you faked
you messed with a mind more twisted than your own
shot yourself in the foot, now your safety net's gone ~

*My pity.

I'll wipe away your tears when it gets too much
I'll kiss you softly when I've given you what I want
weeping rose, your sultry not mine but yours to keep,
exhausted and drugged we simply didn't want to sleep

high on adrenaline and forbidden lust
you took me to your garden and charred my trust
taking my decaying exterior, a mask corrupted and inferior -

stirring the freak inside with a stroke and ******

O' charred rose, you weeping liar
polluting minds with toxic desire
a dismembered head, horror's twisted invictus
a mind seething with cyanide and citrus

nights full of compassion and false respect
I take you as a friend but you know what I expect
I'd say I'm ashamed, horrified, but then I'd be a liar
for this sick addiction burns within like fire

you're disgusting, infatuating, twisted and vile
I'm full of obscenity, my heart beating bile

telling myself that you'll be a friend when I see you again
but deep down I know I won't be thinking with my brain.

Sunday hung-over mornings and golden glares
avoiding the dumb-hound dogs and their disapproving stares,
a bedside table lined with more coke than wood
a night-time of regrets, of differences of whether you would or should -

beware the dumb-hound dawgs
chewing upon fingernails rotten and curled
exhaling noxious fumes and Badrock
making everything see sense in a senseless world

they stole your pitiful cranium and filled it full of idolisation
jackhammering from high to low, like station to ******* station -
yes it was good, full of *** and blissful ignorance
but the harsh light of day brings addictions ruthless persistence

not in the full throes of its torrid grasp
yet you look at the half empty packets and ask
should you carry on clean even though it stings
or should you strangle your strength and clip it's wings?

For drugs don't love you, it's a one way relationship that spits
they'll leave you emaciated, broken, just like your mind that splits and fits -

those pesky dumb-hound dogs you loved oh so much last night

in a few broken years time you'll wish you'd never ever set sight.

A faded silhouette with a broken smile
sitting in my chair I gaze at the abyss for a while
wondering how things ever became so complex
my fingers numb, but still they flex

my muscles seeth with anger, bloated with fury
I'm the apostle of failure, just look at my story;
born from the womb of carelessness, now I can't feel
a scavenger in this world all I do is steal

grounded like a butterfly with broken wings
hunting for shards of truth amongst other things
I'm the height of sophistication, of lust, of adoration

*Oh if only I was

I am the god of nothing

I am the Lord of lies

I have fallen from my grace

to the very thing that I despise

whatever's good is broken

I don't really care

for when the inferno does erupt

I simply won't be there

Did you mistake my face for friendliness

Sorry but it doesn't exist

for I've rose up from the stagnating cesspit
within in which we continue to persist

I reward nothing with loyalty
I'll take and use and choose

fallen stars, broken hearts -
nothing to me but a bruise

For I am the righteous

I am the whole story

I am favored by nobody, inside grotesque and gory

I am the air you breathe, the dust upon your seats,

I am the Pale God

so get down upon your knees

Stroking the charred remains of the day,
to my non-existent God I pray;
don't show me light, oh let me rot and roil
for everything I touch I unwillingly spoil

I sneer at my reflection, falling in love
with my ego and horrific fascinations
***, stilettos, chains
drugs, cigarettes and chest pains

I've torn myself in two halves
slowly being taken over by my disease I've starved
I locked it away for so so many years
but now the pale God has the key to my fears

Rejection, perception, emotive mutilation
I climbed my throne only to be failed by damnation
using truth like a razor I undoubtedly hurt
but all he cares about is fresh flesh and skirts

Ah I disgust myself but what choice do I have?
Better to give into the dark, or place my neck on a slab?
My heart is but a stone with a speck of gold
I'll try fighting it but I fear my sanity I've already sold.

Eyes of wonder can you feel my glare
what I thought was dead now I feel I care,
forever on the verge of the downward abyss
stroking my demons and giving Satan a kiss

for here are we under a sky of brilliant white
oblivious to the signs surely in our sight
for yet I wonder again, what really is love -
yes, it's in my ignorance I've not yet understood

do I feel sorrow, compassion, remorse?
Hell I should but sadly my heart is a beating corpse -
no longer do I care about others and their irreverent needs
instead inside I hide and plant my cunning seeds

ready to taint, to take, to fabricate and humiliate
they all say I'm good but I can't help but manipulate
not only the minds of others, but of myself
my sanity is slowly dying along with my health

now I gaze to the sky above, and the little fly buzzing around
I listen as nature refuses to make a sound -

oh give me a sign Lord, non existent but I want to believe
tell me all is a lie that I apparently perceive.

Love is
when things turn black, you're always there
Love is
when somethings different you don't stand and stare
Love is
making that special someone some coffee, a cake or maybe their favourite food
It's pretending to laugh when you're just not in the mood

Love is
tending to the sick, to the poor, to the wasters and users
Love is
realising in life that we're surrounded by takers and choosers
Love is
waiting for another at the bus stop in the pouring down rain
It's the beautiful gift that just gives again and again

Love is
not sharing on Facebook hoping millions in other countries will care
Love is
focusing not on the fictional but the ones who are actually there
Love is
knowing who are your friends and who are parasites
it's watching out for your brother, even if it keeps you up all night

So pack up your worries, your selfish needs and excuses
reality's both exquisite and ferociously abusive -
when you're lay dying, will your tweets or wealth keep you alive?
No, for love is the drug that keeps living alive.

This heart
this heart
this heart is black and broken,

these lips
these lips
these lips choked upon words that can't be spoken

In space things seem distant,
a bloated biblical womb of belief -
chemical confusion, twisted violence and illusion

our God is nothing but a thief

God's sinful monkeys and alien babies
fed with drugs and frothing with rabies

what's black and stains the most sordid of lies
a torrent of angst, a thousand children's cries,
some lucky, some born survivors
others born to die from the disease their body harbours

for you were my mechanical example, no use but lust,
living a lie in this world so ******* devoid of trust
as death lurks around us, inside our closets, beneath our beds
the tendril of insanity curdles our pathetic heads

God's sinful monkeys and alien babies
fed with drugs and frothing with rabies
stealing newborns, fresh blood to medicate
creating new Gods to **** upon and hate*

and now I sit here in my little tin capsule above Earth
an Alien among my kind, such is open-mindedness' curse

when the days burn white and there's nothing but eternal numbness,
you wonder if it would be easier if you were six feet under.

My sister's sick with a disease that can barely be cured
a flash and all is gone when hope seemed restored

pumping veins with poison and chemicals, to ****;
when the cure's worse than the sickness all you're left with is will

when you have nothing but love and helplessness
you realise money and peace are just luxuries, excess -

for how much is a pure healthy soul
nothing to be afforded by countless billions or gold

she sits there now, starving but sick
there's nothing I can do but be quick

mop up the mess, fawn a laugh, a medicating joke
when deep down in my heart I just want to choke -

when her hair falls out and you can do nothing but smile
then quietly run away to cry for awhile

when she looks into your eyes and says she's fine
even with her voice bloated and trying not to whine

when the days feel black and you have nobody to turn to
even though they're all around you

when you curse the Lord, wish the cancer upon yourself
when you punish your body just to understand her health

when things become unbearable, but you're always there

*that's when you know, my son, you truly care.

Eyes of coal that sparkle in the light
breathing through mucus they hide from sight,
******* the life out of us but their hearts beat dead,
their teeth stained yellow, vile hands stained red

bullet wounds
gun shot holes
maggots and lice thriving
between fleshy folds

disgustingly perfect, attached together with surgical seams
ripping minds open and feasting upon dreams;
Bogeymen of the new age, souls unjust and undone
an obscenity to all even Death does run -

gods sinful monkeys and alien babies
fed with drugs and frothing with rabies
stealing new borns, fresh blood to medicate,
creating new gods to **** upon and hate

the Beautiful People are back and more horrific than ever,
their grotesque masked with wax feathers

masquerading as angels, slyly drawing you in
corrupting your mind with mutilated sin

everything makes sense in a senseless world
sanity insane, torturous, curled

and as I look at their swaying fleshy folds
I fear for humanity, for what the blackened future holds -
incarnadine stained nails, rotted bones, lungs riddled with pus
yes the Beautiful People are abhorrent

*but they're also one of us.

I burnt myself today
a pain that made me feel alive

I hurt myself with a searing knife
laughing at the past as I then cried

the fields of sorrow swell
as the faces I once knew fade away
falling asleep to salty tears
forever in my dreams I want to stay

what have I let myself fall to
lungs of tar, blistered skin -
in this game of torture who do I think will lose
and who do I think will win?

Sat upon my throne of isolation
gazing through a fractured stare
forever nurturing my pitiful ego
slowly sinking into my own despair

a life of lies is all I've ever known
oh the dark times are ahead - where have all my friends gone?
Seems the strength I once prided myself with
now lies dead
a corpse at betrayals altar, stained incarnadine

slashed red

oh if only I could twist back time

if only I could travel back free of these scars,

I'd say sorry to my loved ones
and build something different beneath these new killer stars.

Everything is gone now, just a jack-in-the box that scares
money's already wasted, **** it I never cared,
as usual this life has leadened, sped up my sorry death -
a song written for the heartbreakers; sung upon my last breath

bloated and black, happiness not as it seemed
destroying the gift that for years I've dreamed,
she gave me her heart and I slashed it wide open
for its clear to see I cannot love, it's clear to see I am broken -

who needs love and it's pathetic excuses
a gnawing feeling both corrosive and abusive,
thy gargantuan question looms with a killer in it's eyes -
had I been in a relationship built upon lies?

Flowers of abnormality bloom upon ashes of mistrust
as my tortured soul frantically flounders in the dust -
down
down
down
the downward spiral again I am shoved,
forever asking if I can ever love, and in return be loved.

We said we’d be forever
that when the others crumbled, we’d be together
a dysfunctional trio, flying upon broken wings
trying our hardest to fit into the grand scheme of things

we wreaked havoc; *****, drugs, ***
only when they ran out could we truly forget -
waking up on strange sofas, in pools of our own *****
the night before our brains pickled, our minds with the comets

with rusty needles and plastic bags we laid our hearts bare
not really knowing the dangers, and if we did we still wouldn’t have cared
for the ***** lead us to high ecstatic stardom
to the land of whispering voices and seductive secret gardens

we never had luxuries, three low-life crooks
the kind of scumbags you’d find in classic period or thriller books –
except maybe we weren’t; back then things were less formal
just three struggling youths trying to make life seem normal

you see the drugs helped us forget
those murky days bloated with confusion and disposable respect -
***** orange substances in broken needles, so exchangeable
we sat away from life and instead fell in love with the angels.

Home every night about half eight or nine
hand in hand with my latest design -
so super-sonic, he's angelic, he's demonic
my new name's feature, uh uh

sometimes the light is grainy
his face so pallid, hazy

I know he's in there somewhere, where there's no pain nor shine
oh so despotic is this thin-white-joke of mine

transmission inbound to the newly deceased
the chimes are ringing, he's been released

hopefully we'll go to the Haven where
we can be tied together -

*I know he's in there somewhere, where there's no pain nor shine
oh so platonic is this thin-white-joke of mine.

You've never been one to give up
a door to hope nobody will ever shut,
like a star in the nights sky, building your own constellation
you're my little sister and my biggest inspiration

these past few months have been the toughest we've known
but when it seems things had fallen apart and everything had gone
you still lit up the room - even knowing things will be difficult for a while,
powering on through with that infectious cheeky smile

I know I've not been the best brother
and that sometimes it's looked like I don't care,
but trust me I really do -
I just want you to know, if you ever need me I'll always be there.