it's been five years since I've felt absolute love. I can remember how I was with that person. so free. I didn't even know what restraining or containing was with them. I wonder when that changed? When did I begin to care about holding back, hiding, trying rather than being? when did I worry more about what came out of my mouth rather than listening? conversations and topics flowed easily, now I stress in forcing them. my first love was real love. but I miss it. the feeling. the ability to give and not realize I'm giving. countless hours talking about everything, fewer held in silence but nonetheless never awkward. when did that change?
maybe nothing has. I merely need to find a person once more. a person I care more for than I care about how I'm being seen. someone that makes me forget about myself, but reminds me of me when I do. because they care as much about my well being as I'd care for theirs.
I like reminiscing.

I want to write, story tell, create, and mold. Breathe life into pages. Force emotions in those that have not felt, bring tears to the heartless, and produce empowerment in the weak. When you think there's no words to describe it turn to my writing and praise me; call me a prophetess. As you lay awake in the silent hours of night and send questions to a higher power that you still question is there. As you despair in the pit you've found yourself in again..I hope that you don't need my words to soothe your soul, and in my absence discover the relief a pen and paper would do to a troubled girl.

insecurities. judgement. fear. shame. criticism. empathy
our imperfections are things we hide and exposed it feels like a great shame the world shouldn't need to see. secrets from our childhood, violations made against us, personality, our appearance.
let me see.
because the very thing that holds us back and makes us certain we are different from all the rest are the things that form bonds between us.
empathy and understanding. the ability to connect with someone else who had the same upbringing as you. the ability to connect with someone else that's unsure of themselves in a crowd. the ability to connect with someone else that doesn't like an artist everyone else loves. connect with the person with cakey make-up because they too have a bad case of acne. the girl that stays in her t-shirt while everyone else get's gawked at in their string bikinis. and larger. the kids that slept in the closet because a parent attacked the other. the little girl that thought her brother loved her but violated her. the one that does what they must to feed their kids, shelter them. the man in love with his friends woman. the young kids not ready for parenthood and visit a clinic. the life that believes they were the key to saving another, but didn't or couldn't. the doctor that made a mistake and cost a family a loved one. the boy that can't confront their religious parent about their sexuality. for the girl that had a fling and caught a sexually transmitted virus, and can't tell her mama. the ones that never have their fill because they sense eyes on their plate and weight.
ect. because the list goes on. all of it are chains that we form with strangers and friends. all of these insecurities, shames, imperfections are the reminder that we're all in this together.
we're human, and that's humanity.
I do not ask for you to reveal yourself to the world if you don't wish to. that was not my initial intention. what I ask is to remind yourself that what we hide is what another understands. so be open-minded and compassionate towards yourself because it'll ultimately lead to the bettering of our world.

plenty times we feel like life isn't worth taking part in unless you have someone to strengthen you. more times than even that is having someone but they show no interest in taking part in it. put yourself first
I know, we both know, that isn't new advice. We hear it plenty but what seems to enlighten us for the day doesn't impact the rest of our days. It' doesn't stick. I want it and need for it to stick. Not just for me but for everyone that seems to forget that in this world, that which faces so many social issues and seems to misguide us rather than lead us, you must believe in the one under the armor first before heading to battle. put yourself first
life is a curiosity and sharing it is wonderful. but do not limit yourself. share if it's possible but do not wilt because someone isn't watering you. evolve into something greater. something that surpasses the need for water. **put yourself first

have you ever come to the realization that life veered left so hard that you never noticed.
In one instant the clarity of what was and is appears so drastic, how you've come to change none but your solid is now transparent.
you catch glimpses of what was once there but not long enough to memorize it.
then suddenly your heart shifts and you don't know where to go.
because you don't trust the objects and people you see, knowing that just as quick as your solid they could start to dissappear.
faith becomes a word and love becomes absent.
just as strength and ignorance move in to replace them.
because you feel better not caring and feel secure not noticing.
In the end they're just feelings.
and you hope that it won't make you too different.

Watercolors spread across a plane.
The Red splattered across the Green.
Running together as soldiers pick up to leave.
The final stroke to a master piece.

The geometric pattern of the bodies slayed.
Fallin' to a specific shape.
As if by Hands they were precisely layed.
To resemble the fate at which we would all end.

                            .  .  .  .  .  .  .

A battle field is not the war I wish to address.
It is the war between Colors we face each day.
Stressed between individuals of a single shade.
The humor that when mixed together we become, all the same.

My tolerance has dropped to the point of no return.
I apologize if this is what you feared most.
But I've come to terms that I don't see and think like a basic person should.
I sit and stare around me like I've entered a whole new world.
Analyzing everyone around me and their reactions to one another.
I ponder.
Then wonder.
About the player of this game.
Is he winning or losing?
Because he just lost me.