for the first time, my level of pouring into someone is reciprocated if not more and I could not be more thankful for this.
I’ve stomached many bodies of loves: inconsistent like streams, limited like ponds and never more than half deep like rivers..
none of which have ever felt like an ocean. Sparks of love, made love, and one sided love. Where was that love of all loves?

now, I am surrounded by beautiful and limitless love, where the quantity of watering me is not govern by the weather of the day. My supply is never shortened. Never withheld. The amount of pouring is boundless, always unveiling like the depths of the ocean. Never yielding. I have reached it. True love. I am blessed to experience you.

‪it’s unfair to process your trauma while having your significant other tag along bc
they.
     will.
          drain. comes a time where you have to pick up on signs that they are fighting the urge to run but won’t out of commitment to you. ‬
‪but if you love them you have to free them‬.
even when it tears at your heart and you beat yourself ruthless for not being perfect.
you.
     must.
          set.
              them.
                        ­                    FREE.

i want to take it all slow. stay damnnn near still in this space of blossoming. to explore by step all that makes u. drag my fingers through your hobbies. pause to soothe your demons. stare and stare some more at your laughter. the colors that surround u. to be compassionate about mistakes and thumb over every sharp edge i find. to adore your human ways. the hard ways and the great ways. to cry at the direct way u ask for me, all of me, bc no one’s ever demanded each inch of me. my chest feels so full. my feet so grounded. my mind many more brighter like u waved away the clouds with every ‘why not great?’ to my ‘it’s okay’. i feel safe beside u. anywhere. im looked after not from obligation, from sincere appreciation for my presence in your life. u kiss me never just once. as insignificant to u this could be it makes my stomach flutter that u don’t get your fill off just one. when i speak i’m heard, and when i hesitate u lead. u take the time to heal where i need healing and be patient when i’m selfish and keep from being the same in return. u are someone that i will love no matter the future stones we stand on. there will not be anything higher than this. a bright patch in my night. the sun to this moon, in every literal way.

yet as the same way u are strong for me, u shoulder your darkness so your chest is free to comfort me, u beat your own struggles to death and trap them in a yuengling bottle. i am your silence when the sound of your doubts try to break u. i’m the night to your ever restless day. the lap to close your eyes in. i’ll take on the isolation when you’re tired. the cloud phases where u may try to push me away. and protect u as best i can.

i am not sad. i am tired. defeated repeatedly by my mirrors. i am just a pretty face. a good time. for a short time, not a long time.
cross my fingers.
not a long time.

crosslegged on a bed. i’ve caught myself capable of great thoughts in this position, but today it’s my place to heal. i can feel a pressure, almost like the fist of a hand against my lower chest... right where my rib cage ends and my vulnerable spot begins. where my emotions spread first. i tighten up in my attempt to best protect it. and breathe as my thoughts reach it. “a waste.”
a fear
a lie
i hear daily.  but no matter how it stings I’ll listen. so I can/it can heal. our darkest corners need comfort too.

'do you hear me?' 'this is the voice of an imperial past' 'the sound of horses, and the strong walk of men' 'do you feel me?' 'this is your cultural thrill, the smell of a powerful land' 'can you see me?'
...I want to protect the beauty in this world. The ones I've seen and the ones I have not. I want to stand a wall between the pure hearted and the hate. To preserve the magic that happens when, without labels being used, there's a silence when all is not lost and so much is to be looked forward to. To experience and know that I shall not be had. When looked at me, I will reflect all this world has offered me.

In life you live first and then learn.
And sometimes you learn again, bitterly.