Never felt I needed you God
And I didn't care,
Never knew how to acknowledge
Something that wasn't there

And back when I was with thugs
I was use to it,
Life threatened, losing friends,
Can't believe I was use to this

But then danger comes to someone
Who you care for,
More than just a bro or another
Punk who went away for robbing stores

I've been stabbed, felt a cold blade
On my throat, and armed men
Outside my door,
Yet still I care for her life more

When I was followed I never
Gave a ****,
But he came stalking her and I went
Through an emotional fit

I felt like a father looking after
His child,
Seconds felt like hours
And steps felt like miles

I haven't felt fear like this for
Any of my brothers on the street,
This must be what happens when
My life and karma meets

Because I can't believe I
Caused this pain to others,
All she wanted was to be safe at
Home with her mother

I guess I grew my heart back,
And I took back a will to fight,
If anything bad happened to her
I couldn't forgive myself that night

I asked you to **** me to keep her safe
And I prayed from within,
And if she's ever in danger
I will pray the same thing again

So God if your there I have
One request,
Her life's more valuable so
Take mine if it suits her best

Where am I going with my life,
I wish it could all end,
Wake up every morning and think
"I have to do this again"

I'm thankful for my friends
Who are still around,
But who do I go to
When life goes down

Maybe I should have been a criminal
The way I always was,
But I made a promise to be good
Yet there's still no love

Trying to stay strong
But I've lost all hope,
There's a Vatican full of demons
And I'm the pope

Pretending to be happy and fine
I wear that cloak,
But pull the sheets aside
And you see a hoax

They say when you see an
Opportunity you should grab it,
Instead I've formed my life around
Bad habits

And I know smoking is
Bad for your lungs,
But I figured it's better than breathing
The smoke from a gun

"Please don't **** yourself
We need you alive"
If you knew the pain I was in
You would let me say goodbye

Cause I've cried, I've given up,
Please don't look at me,
I'm a shameful *******
So don't feel sympathy

In my own life
I don't have a voice,
I would love to die
But I don't have a choice

I promised to stay alive and survive
But I can't live,
All I can think is "Why did this happen
To me, I was only a kid"

Daddy hurt mommy and
My sister was my only friend,
After she was forcefully violated
I haven't seen that sister again

I lost that precious girl to
Drugs and gang violence,
I still hear her crying in the
Midst of loud silence

So hear I am,
Alone with nobody left,
Cause nobody wants to put up with
Me when I'm upset

And yet that same person will
Beg me to keep fighting,
If you think hearing about it is bad
Then imagine living these writings

Cause this is a true story
Not some kind of riddle,
As scared as I was, I wish I would've
Died in hospital

But due to a promise,
I won't be the cause of my life to end,
So now I wake up from my sleep,
And I have to live this again

I tried ending it a few days ago because I felt so alone.

People say you should talk about it to clear it up, but with who?

Not my mom, it would break her heart.
Not my dad, he's part of the problem and says depression is nothing but a chemical imbalance.
Not my sisters, they would overreact and tell mom eventually.
Not my good group of friends, the news of this broke their heart so badly they can't even hear my name without overwhelming sadness, and I refuse to upset them anymore.
Not my other group of friends, they would disown me and tell me to finish the job for being a coward.
Not even my counselors, they would lock me up in an asylum.

I thought I was alone before, but this is true solitary.

-My car
-My house
-My eyes
-My ears
-My accomplishments
-My music
-Everything I ever was
-My life

I would give all these things just to hold her hand once

Last night, I finally cried for the first time in 7 years.

I finally remember that gut wrench feeling and how your eyes have that slight burn.

I wasn't alone however.

I had 2 amazing friends by my side,
They were the first people who I ever told my horror scene of memories to.
I felt kinda bad because one of my friends cried with with me,
If there is a God, then bless her with everything good, she's such a sweet heart.
On one hand I like that she cries because it releases stress, but it pains me to know that she has stress in her heart.
I just hope she knows she can always talk to me and tell me everything no matter what day and hour.
Same goes for my other friend,
Most other males would have judged me, instead he handled it like a real man,
Understanding and acknowledgments of Loyalty.

I love both of those wonderful people to death,
And I will die before ever letting anything happen to them.

It's days like this I wish nobody cared so that I could end it all without hurting anyone.

However, as painful as it is to look in the mirror everyday, I still have people to care for and look after.

I lifted you from your grave.
Then you got out, shook my hand, then threw me in.
Then you signed the stone,
"Gone and Forgotten"

Funny how someone can hate you for caring.