You're moving on, well I think you are
You said you are
I’m still trying to figure out how to cope with that
Process it, digest it
Let it sink in, grab hold
A part of me is so happy for you
You found someone who can give you what I couldn't
Someone to love you in the way you deserve
The other part of me
The selfish part
Is so terrified of losing you
These years, you could say, have been ours
Every adventure, movie, dinner, trip, outing
We claimed and possessed
Now, you’re sharing what was ours with someone else
I don’t know how to cope with that yet
You’re more than a friend to me
You’re someone I don’t I have to hide from
Someone who notices the little things
Like when I laugh, you told me
I look up and to the side
And when I tease you
I get this glint in my eye
A smile too
You said I have certain smile when I tease
Also, when I concentrate my tongue sticks out a little
You said, you’re so focused on it
So “in the zone” as you put it
I don’t know all the little things about you
I’m not wired that way
But I do notice that in a movie
When you know what’s going to happen
You snicker and it’s annoying
Because you’re doing it through the whole movie
But it’s something I love about you
And you love to talk to people
Strangers
You will ask a complete stranger how their day is
It blows my mind
I could never do that
And you love to observe
What I’m doing, what others are doing, what’s going on
Like a kid looking at the world
As if it’s brand new
Some place that’s not corrupt
Some place that’s beautiful
So I’m afraid
Of losing you
Of losing this person
Who has become so much more than a mere friend
I’m terrified
That one day I’ll wake up trying to remember
Some of your favorite things
Your middle name, your birth date
Your eye color
Your energy, spirit
I don’t want to lose those things
And I’m afraid that I will
One day I’ll wake up
Not remembering
But I want you to be happy
With someone who can be everything and more for you
Who could be the person I never could
You deserve it
You deserve more than I gave
It’s funny
When I found out who she was
I called it
The moment I met her over a year ago
I knew eventually you two would get together
It was just a matter of time
I think she’s a great fit for you
I hope she challenges you
I hope she comforts you and gives you strength
I hope she realizes how truly amazing you are
I hope she cherishes you
I hope she loves you with everything in her
And I hope you do the same
You say you’re moving on
I’m still trying to cope with that
Process it, digest it
Let it sink in
Grab hold
Because I don’t want to turn around one day
And you be gone
You become just a memory
A slim outline in my mind
A blurry picture trying to come into focus
….I need more than a memory

Everyday I wake up to you
Makes me smile to see your face
A peaceful expression that etches across your features
So content in dreaming
And when you wake, your green eyes shine as they stare into mine
You smile and say all the right things
You push past all boundaries just to make me happy
And when you wake I try to reply to all your wonderful sayings
Try to express the same amount as you
But no matter how much energy I waste
It will never accumulate
Because your connection is deeper than mine
It always will be
And I can pretend
I can pretend to love you with all that I am
I can try to say all the right things
But I would give anything to go back in time
Change when I let you in and why I let you stay so long
I made you believe that you belonged
Sometimes lying here with you by my side
Lying awake, waiting for the day to take me away
I think of all the times when you made me smile
How effortless it was
Now every morning, I force one
Hoping that it will be enough
That you will never see past my facade
I pray for change, that I can tell you everything
That for once, a moment can be real
And there are few that shine through
That pushes past my memory gap
Believing that maybe this could work
Yet knowing on the inside I could never account for what you do
So I close my eyes and dream of the night
When you were mine
That very first time
When all was real and true
I didn't have to think anything through
Because it wasn't for a show, it wasn't for pretend
It meant something then
So every night when we gather in the dim light
And I let you put your arm around me
Hold me in the dark veil of the outside
All I think is— I want this to be true
I want it to be real; I want to feel something inside me come alive
But regret and guilt eats away all that remains
Yet you stay, I stay
Because I don’t know how to tell you in so many words
That you aren't enough
I could have prevented all that has occurred
With a few simple words
I never learnt to say a million things
Not in that way
So looking at you now and knowing in a few minutes
You’ll be awake, ready to start the day
I think this is a better way
Of telling you everything
Because I’m hoping you heard
All that I had to say
While you were sleeping
So tomorrow I think I might be leaving
I think that might be the day I start living

We never meant for this to happen
For it to go so far
Malicious and heart wrenching
Are our corrupted memories
Your face pops in and out
I try unceasingly
To rid of it
Push every thought of you out of my mind
But no matter what I do
To busy myself
Distract myself
You come back
Your gorgeous eyes memorized
Every speck of gold
Every eyelash
Every in take of breath
Captivated in stolen moments of nonsense
You stir these feelings inside me….
Breaking me open
This bridge on opposite ends
Meant to be cut, severed
Never to be crossed
Never to be mended
You have her; I have him
Enough
Because every time we meet
You ignite, against every fiber of my being, a fire inside me
Burning deep
Waiting to be put out
Turned to ice, turned to hate
But you stand so close sometimes
A bittersweet longing
In those non-existent touches
Out of your grasp
Dangerously poisoning
Are our little games
We try to ignore those locked gazes
Those outreached hands
Those distorted thoughts
That we become lost in
Because you take it so freely
All of it, every last bit
In one bite
In one moment in time
Taking what was always yours to begin with
Coping with the loss of my being
The blood loss
The mind aching regiment of your face
Of your eyes
Of that smile that makes my day
Diabolical are we
Caught in our own web
Randomly weaved
When will it end?
This heartache
Tell me
I entreat
Tell me, please
When will it end?
This thing
Say when
Say now
My knees are about to give out
When will it end?
These memories
These stolen moments
These horrible mistakes
Tell me, please
I beg you
Because I’m about to give up
I need you ….........to tell me
Please
Put me out of my misery
Tell me how long I have to wait
Tell me it needs to end right now
So late
Tell me, love, tell me
When will it end?
Say it
Please, say it
Say now
Say it ends now

I’m not sure if you remember
The crowds, actions
Or even the stars…or anything for that matter
We haven’t talked in over four years
And here you are in this brilliant white room
In that blue gown
Tubes hooked up this way and that
With dripping fluid flowing down
The machines giving off that annoying ring
You in some state of sleep
Maybe not to wake
I stand taking in your appearance
For the first time in a while
The last time I saw you
You mixed and blended in
But your eyes found mine
For the briefest time
Taking a deep breath, I clear my head
Walk over
Sit down and really begin
The doctors say all these words, phrases
And I pick up on a few
The key ones at least
We don’t know….
He might not….
His condition is….
Vitals show….
Results came in….
And then there was this one word
That seeped in above the rest
Stable
I think there was a for now in there too
But once I heard that word
I didn't hear much else after that
And I don’t know why I came
I don’t know what to say
My mind is so blank
The words gone
My eyes train on your face
Rough and bruised
Wrapped and bandaged
Okay, um, I think….
I think should stop thinking
It’s becoming really troubling
I want to tell you something
And it’s horrible that you’re in this condition
But I don’t think I could tell you any other way
Because if I saw your eyes
Looking at me in that way
That way that makes me forget everything…..
Okay….you…..you
You gave me something
And took away something
Without knowing it
You probably don’t ever think about this
But I do
We were at this game
It was so crowded
So many people
Cheering and shouting
And disbelief and relief and excitement
Flooded through the stadium
Everyone was so into the game
There came this small moment
Where we must have glanced at each other
But we locked eyes
And before I knew what was happening
You reached over and tucked a stray piece of my hair
Behind my ear
You’re excuse was adorable
You said, you had a curl
What was even better
There was someone sitting between us

But that night afterwards under stars
Clearing and heading out
A part of us changed
We had this secret almost
That no one knew about
But it was ours
Even we didn't understand it
We were young but it was there
An intense feeling
At least on my end
After years sometimes I still feel it
Unexpected
You took that from me
A part of me
In that year
You took a piece of me
You made me feel
Feelings, sensations unaccustomed to
You still do, even after all this time
But I gave it to you unknowingly so
I wish you knew
I wish you could understand
Right now, the implication of what I’m trying to say
To tell you
Why I came, because I do know
I deny myself knowing
Because it is too much
But I had to tell you
At least once
I know you might not wake anytime soon
But I hope that you do
Because I would want to tell you again
Even if you don’t remember the next day
Or hour or minute after I’m done
The fact that you heard it
Understood it for the briefest time
Is enough
For me, it’s enough
So yeah, I think that’s it
I’ll come back though
……yeah……I’ll come back
I rise up, unsteady and almost baffled
But I lean over and place a kiss on your forehead
Then I remember one more thing I wanted to say
So I whisper in your ear
Those three words
That I've waited so long to say
That I've endured for so long
And then I back away
And leave
But I’ll come back
Yeah, I’ll come back

I’m at this place
Can you picture it?
The images thrown together
To make this beautiful tainted scene
Standing and listening
For the waves of frequency
To reach
The first glimpse
The shinning light that seeps through
The first touch of heat….
These walls so tall, so massive above my head
I've spent years creating them
Building them up
Separating me from the world
You come up from behind
Unexpected, surprised
Broken pieces scattered at interval times
You seem to move past all defenses
Remove the broken pieces from sight
Before I know it
You’re halfway up my wall
Trying to climb, reach within
Peek to see
Before I can stop, protest
You’re beside me
Reaching for me, trying to hold on tight
Attempting to assure me
That this is alright
Time seems to stop
The rest of the walls come down
I fail to resist
Push away
Cease this mess
But then you whisper in the slitting light
I see it
You’re tainted scene
I hear your piercing frequency
I relish in your scorching heat
Before I know it, closed eyes
Kissing light
I breathe
New existence
New life
No more hiding
Open and uncovered
Waves come up
Tracing the shell of my ear
Creeping within
With mixed emotions
Shivering and grasping
I feel your heat
Your heartbeat
I hear your unsaid words
Touch the fabric of the sheet
See your eyes bored into mine
Feel your lips trace the skin of my cheek
The pitching sound of your voice
Whispering in the dawning light;
Hearing the sensations behind
Beautiful
I relish in your words, your touch….your heat
You picture it
That scene
You see it
Bare and raw for the first time
Untainted and real
Hovering above
Like some dream
I’m at this place
Can you guess what it is?
Your lips trace their way
Up to my ear
Sigh in a low tone
Yes, love
Peace
*You’re at peace

You were standing at that window again
Looking out, waiting for something to appear only known to you
Gazing at the trees, the sky, whatever your eyes could land on
I leaned against the kitchen door frame
You were in pain
Your body tense and rigid
Screaming in silence
You were seeing objects that weren't there again
Maybe hearing the voices in your head
You never ask for help, even when you need it
You’re too proud at times
I walk up from behind and wrap my arms around your waist
Bury my head between your shoulder blades
You’ll eventually respond
Right now too lost to hold on
It might be ten minutes or hour
But sooner or later I’ll feel your hand on mine
I’ll let out that relieving sigh
Close my eyes and breathe in deep
Knowing you came back to me, to this world
Where reality comes in at interval times
On occasion, you’ll open up and tell me
All the images that go on
So real that you reach out and touch them
Mid-air and you feel them
The texture so pure, so real
Hear their call, smell their presence
And then lying in bed at night
You’ll ask which was real
I try not to cry when I break your heart
And tell you that one, the one you hold onto
Wasn't
Because sometimes you’ll say
Rolled on your side
There were children this time
Hearing your voice crack at the end
Before you regain and tell me
They looked like ours
Had my eyes and your smile
That’s when I do cry, let the tears come down
Knowing that won’t happen for a while
But when it does; you’ll love them more than the world
You beat yourself up too much
As you punch this and that
Making your hand bleed
Tears stream down your face
As you scream
Pleading it to stop
Wishing for an end
To come, round the bend
Sometimes you scream at me
Sometimes your anger gets the best of you
Sometimes you break things
But this disorder, you feel as if it takes away all of you
All the aspects that make you great
Removes all your strength
Strips you down to nothing
Leaving you open and raw
But I think it makes you stronger
Because you survive all it throws at you
You work so hard everyday
And you comfort
You give me the strength to move forward
Soon, I feel your hand touch mine
Sighing in relief
And you ask how long
Wanting to know how long you were lost
As always, I respond, you’re here now
Then you give my hand that gentle almost reassuring squeeze
They say take it one day at a time
One foot in front of the other
Slow and gentle, but steady
It’s a beautiful thing
Watching you exceed any impedimenta that comes your way
There’s something magical about it
A purity in essence, wrapped up in this vulnerability
Exploiting all fears and goals at the same time
Miraculous are you, my dear
A miracle
A son
A husband
A friend
A love
A pure soul
Designed to be great and nothing short of it
And one day
A father

I don’t remember how long
We stood there silent
Before he turned and left
Along with our gathered audience
I faced you
Leaning my forehead against yours
Don’t—
Please, don’t cry anymore
You don’t have to explain anything
I said
Trying to gage all the emotions
Dancing in your dark brown eyes
I’m sorry
You said with a wavering voice
I know
I replied, trying to comfort you
When I knew you still had things to say
Get off your chest
Clear out your stuffed head
No, you don’t
You tried to explain as new tears began down your face
I want to tell you—
To explain……..
I don’t know how to in so many words
Because you mean everything to me
More than you think you know or believe
This thing I’m going through affects me—badly
And I can’t bear to see you hurt
I won’t
So, I think it would be best—
I knew what you were going to say
We can’t do this anymore
Me and you
It wouldn't work
I couldn't quite wrap my head around that
Don’t you dare say that
I’m here for you
And not because I have to
But because I want to
I love you
It’s enough
It always has been
You must see that
I know you do
So get it through
That stubborn and thick head of yours
You let out that breathy laugh
And I smile on accord
Both of us wiping our tears away
Me and You
Got it?
You shook your head in agreement
Very smart man
I said leaning my forehead against yours
Learning right from the start
—I've been trained by the best
Right then, did you realize
That was just the incipient part of our lives
Did you realize that?
I knew right then in that moment
After all the chaos had wound down
Me and you standing there
We’d be fine
It wouldn't be easy
We’d be tested time and again
But in the end, we’d be okay
Alright
Don’t you think?