I knew you were damaged and broken
But I never knew how much
You hid it so well at times
This thing with us was new
I couldn't tell at first how hurt you were
There came a day
When we went on this special date
You surprised me
By taking me out to the country
Setting up a beautiful scene
In front of a mountain view
Under the stars
For a while, all was fine and normal
Then, tears started out of your eyes
You became so angry
Before I knew it, I was on the ground
Shellshock and dumbfound
Part of me wanted to get up and fight
The other part knew you never meant to
My face already feeling the ramifications of the attack
When you saw what you had done
I had never seen such horror before
Your eyes so wide
Kneeling down and tenderly grabbing my face
Kissing me
Punctuating each with I'm sorry
Trying to console and reassure you
It was alright
But we both knew it wasn't alight or okay
You needed healing
When I got home
Making you sure you were gone
Before I went in alone
Trying to hide the injury under my hat
Run to my room as fast as I could
Without looking stupid
He was coming down the hall
Asking how things went
I replied then went on
But he could tell; he could see things weren't okay with me
He blocked my way
Then gently lifted my hat
Much similar to your reaction, he responded with horror
Wide eyes, confusion and then realization
Anger came right after that
I knew he was going **** you
Putting my hands on his chest
Blocking his forward passage
Stopping him
Telling him the situation
Almost yelling at him
There were things he didn't know
That I did and understood
Then the door bell rang
Suddenly, desperation was replaced with horror
I knew exactly who it was
……And so did he

I never thought after three years I’d see you again
But there you were
Sitting a little ahead
I could feel my breath catch
My heart beat a little faster
Yet it was still hard to believe
To grasp
That even after all this time
You still had that affect on me
When I got your number and we talked a bit
All those emotions came rushing back
Would you believe that
And when we met to hang out
You looked beautiful in that baseball hat
Through the summer, I got to know you
See how you've grown
Witness who you've become
You aspire to challenge the world
Take in all that you can
Stay firm in what you stand for
Believing that one person can see change
In a corrupted universe

At some point
I can’t recall when
Sometime between you handing me your number
And me calling you later on
Sometime—whether sailing or hiking
Or a late night at the movies
I fell in love with you
You constantly invaded my thoughts
Made me feel like I could fly
When your hand just brushed against mine
Made me feel alive in a way
I can’t even contemplate
When I asked you that question
And you replied I’ll get back to you
Those hours of waiting
Were the longest of my life
I did receive my answer
When you called
And you told me you didn't feel the same
Part of me seemed to wither away
But I tried to bounce back
As you were explaining
In a desperate, apologetic voice how sorry you were
Tried not to let my voice crack
As disappointment settled in
So I asked if we could still be friends
You sounded so relieved

But after that—
I wish you knew
How difficult it was to not grab your hand
Hold it tight in mine
Wrap you in a loving embrace
Hold you close to my heart
I wish you knew how hard it was to love you
When I looked at you, I saw a future
I saw kids running around
I saw us—me and you
Yet even though our friendship is all we have
It’s enough for now
It’s sufficient
If I still have you
In some way to hold onto
And I know one day
You’ll find someone
And you’ll come and tell me with bright eyes
How wonderful he is
You’ll look at him the way I look at you
And I’ll close my eyes at your wedding
Knowing you’re gone
Hear you exchange vows
Through rimmed eyes
Watch the tears come down
Hear you choke up a bit
From the flooding emotions in your system
And I’ll dance with you
There’ll be this moment
A small moment where I’ll pretend your mine
I’ll close my eyes
Go back in time
Figure out some way to change things
But he’ll come back and take you in his arms again
I’ll look on for a moment
Before leaving
Walking out alone
And letting you go
Because loving you is so difficult
Even to the very end

People want a good story
One that makes them restless
They want the happy ending
That wraps up all loose ends
Ties them in a perfect knot
People seem to crave the exploitation of others
See someone else’s life fall apart
And watch as they pick up the pieces
They want to see their story break and revive
But no one desires to see their own life shatter before their eyes
To see what once was so nice
Break and fall apart
Because then there are loose ends
Hanging above and below
Not connecting
There is glass that breaks and shatters
And the worst part is
They don’t know if they get the happy ending
It’s not a book or movie where the world is controlled
Created from someone else’s head
And then bestowed to the waiting audience
It’s a cruel and harsh reality
The story isn't imaginary or pretend
It’s a raw event
That shakes them to the very core
And each chapter seems to write itself
As blank pages turn
The story told over and over
Events fill chapters, words fill lines
And letters fill every aspect of life
Building and molding to make sense of all that occurs
The story of life
People strive to fill in the blanks
Know what lies ahead
Question why this occurred
But sometimes people leave their story alone
Allow it to flourish and grow on its own
Living life to the best way they can
And granted, life will turn their story upside down
Twist and turn it all around
Make some chapters unbearable to see and read
Make them regret and cry to an end
But some chapters will provide unstoppable laughter
Beautiful memories that capture the heart
Monumental moments
That leaves them breathless
People want a good story
One that will make them restless
They want the happy ending
Maybe that’s what makes the story so interesting
Not knowing the ending
Just living

There’s so much that doesn't make sense
Words, actions, places, events
All the meanings behind them
Lost in some sea
Where the water is murky and unclear
Witnessing the hurt and pain
Especially on your face
Where tears stream
My eyes become unfocused
And my heart clenches and breaks
At the sight
Ruining the beautiful night
Where the lights dance across the sky
The red glow of embers burn
The soft breeze that cools the skin
The warm glow I used to see within
Looking up at all the lights
All the shining sparks, electric to the dark veil
From a thousand miles away
They reach down
Touch your face
Light up your eyes
They give you life
What a sight
Beautiful to the night
All the words in the world couldn't describe
All the actions that take place
Could never accumulate
All the places in the world
Could never be right, could never fit this moment
Where the world seems perfect
As the lights take away your pain
All the hurt diminishes from your face
The anguish gone and the aw sets in
Showing you there is something
Out there…. reaching down
There is someone who knows
What you’re going through
And telling you, you aren't alone
Because one day, one day you’re going to be home

When they said you were sick
I might have been a little surprised
But I wasn't shocked
Because I had a feeling
That there might have been something wrong with you
Convincing myself it wasn't true
Yet that didn't stop the tears that kept rolling down
The ache I felt knowing now
Everything would turn completely around
Because when they told us
You denied it, claimed they made a mistake
That it was impossible
Almost in the aspect— you hadn't calculated that
Out of all the equations you had
Nothing prepared you for that
I held your hand, hoping you could tell
That it was going to be okay
That at some point, you’d know we were going to make it through
As we pulled in the driveway
She came running down those steps
And even though we had just received—it seemed—the worst news
You still picked her up and swung her around
Carrying her in the house before setting her down
I think it was better
When you were around her
Because your eyes always shined when you were with her
For that reason, I knew, we’d make it through
Granted it was tough
Because we pushed
We’d fight, yell, and scream
Then remember where we were and just stare at the other
We could have whole conversations like that
But I think what surprised me the most about the diagnose
Was neither of our reactions but it was after
There’s a moment when the world stands still
And the information gets digested
There’s a clarity of disbelief, a gnawing acceptance
With the biting and pinching reality of denial
That moment where all those emotions creep in
There’s my hand in yours
Letting you know you’re not alone
That someone is there…and with that thought
The world doesn't seem so hard
Because it’s like that place you escape to
It’s not the place that gives you peace
It’s the person you’re with when you do
You were always mine
Even when we were kids
So a night….years after
As the stars were out
The moon had spread the light around
Warmth began to settle in
Your hazel enriched eyes stared into mine
I thought there was a time when we were kids
And the world was innocent
As we grew, we changed
The world became difficult
It was hard to see through
Yet we had come so far
We had created another
A beautiful little girl—who looked a lot like you
There was a night in the full moon
When you looked at me and told me you loved me….always
And then the world seemed pretty manageable from my end
Even after you were gone and she was grown
She always knew what a great father you were
And I will love you….infinitely
I never really looked in that notebook
But I was going through some of your things
And it slipped out
I couldn't help myself
I had to know what was inside
So I started from the beginning
It went back all the way to when we were kids
But as dates changed
I saw little notes apart from the equations
My name was written a couple of times
There were these quotes you kept saying
And then I came to this one page
Where you sketched me out
Looking off into the distance
I looked at the date
It was the summer before college
Way before I visited you
And we were at that place, where we escaped
Below the picture
In your messy handwriting
Were the words, *I love you

When I came to visit you
You were still writing in that notebook
And when you looked up
A hopeful gaze, a trusting embrace
I sat down beside you
It almost hurt to do so
We hadn't talked in so long
But you were always busy with your new theories
Always figuring something out
You continued to scribble on
As if I wasn't there
But then stopped abruptly
You twisted the pen this way and that
Before you pointed at my hand over and over again
I looked down at the band that encircled my finger
You should have known I would've moved on
I could see the questions swirling in that mind of yours
So I told you the story
We met my first year of college
He was Mr. Nice
The kind of guy who still had manners
Who opened the door for a woman
He was smart and sweet and there
He focused on what was important
It was our junior year when he asked me to marry him
I told him yes
I would marry him
I noticed at this point you went back to writing
You had tuned me out
I came all this way to visit you
And you couldn't stop writing for a minute
So I grabbed your pen and threw it somewhere far away
I grasped your arm and told you to listen to what I had to say
Your blues eyes stared wide-eyed into mine
I sighed, knowing you were upset
I would probably regret that
But I wanted you to listen
Because you never do
I told him yes
Do you not get that
I told him yes
Yes, yes, do you not understand
What that means?
You turned and looked at me with such anger
And for a moment I was glad
You felt something inside come alive
Something you couldn't quite explain
A formula that didn't exist in that pen and pad
Yeah, I understand perfectly
You said
No, you don’t
You looked away
And threw your pad to the side
As you drew your hands together, clenched and tight
I don’t know what you want me to get
To understand
You whispered
Trying to calm down
I said yes
—I get that
You said "yes" I understand
—No you don’t
I said yes, which means I gave up you
I gave up the opportunity to be with you
Because I loved you
And you never saw that
You never looked past that stupid pen and pad
So I said yes to someone who would
Who would love me in all aspects
Treat with me respect
I said yes to that
You reached over and grabbed my hand
I closed my eyes
Warmth flooded in
Tears were flowing down
And I didn't have the strength
To pull away
To leave
Because you still made me feel
Something I never can feel with him
So I open my eyes and whisper in the dawning light
Tell me you love me
Say you love me too
Because I know you do
You can’t explain it
And that kills you
Because you want so badly to
You don’t understand what's happening
How you’re feeling
There’s no formula
No equation, just your heart
Not your mind, so say it
I need to hear it
Please, tell me
*Say you love me too

Do you remember when we were young?
And the world didn't seem so hard
There were these moments that felt free
Exhilarating
When the world was simple and innocent
But as we grew, I saw changes in you
That mind of yours filled with endless aspects
You believed you could fix anything
Even when we were kids—under the blistering sun
Or in the evening breeze
You had these dreams
Wrapped tight in your mind
Held close to your heart
I watched the way you gazed out
At all the landscape
The way your eyes caught the smallest movement
The littlest change
It amazed me to see you take in everything
Then you would write it all down
Figure out some way
To explain all the things that captured your mind and heart
Make known of the unknown
I was the one who wanted to play
At the end of the day
You were the one who wanted to stay in
Watch the leaves fly away
Hear the birds chirp and sing
See what made the world turn
What made you and me breathe
But there were a few times I stole you away
Took you to a place
That was real
Beyond your pen and pad
Beyond the mind engrossed with equations
Because you might have had all the answers
All the solutions to the problems
But I—I had a piece of freedom
You were always trying to figure something out
Explain how the world went round
Come up with new things, new theories to the lead the way
But I took you somewhere
Where thinking was living and breathing
Those moments under the stars
Wrapped in a cocoon of warmth
Your mind cleared
And I would see your eyes change colors
From this piercing blue
To a dull, enriched hazel
Watch your shoulders relax
And your hand would unclench
You might have tried to convince me
A thousand or million times
That work was your life
Where you felt most alive
Where the earth moved beneath you
But I knew
I knew when you felt most alive
When you were under those stars
Looking up and not figuring out all the ‘whys’
That this world here
Was the known
And the one we gazed at
The much bigger one
Was the nameless one you could not identify
An infinite world
Light years apart
But I remember being kids
When the world was simple and innocent
And we were young and careless
As the world then didn't seem so hard
And I remember when you and me felt free
When we belonged to the known
To the exhilarating