This too shall pass

Or will it…

For years when I would become overwhelmed with feelings and emotions I would cut myself or drink myself into a dissociative state. There were times I would wake up in a pool of blood and not know how it happened. Friday nights were the worst night of the week for me because more than twenty years later I would still play out the same scenario of abuse over and over again. I couldn't get through a Friday night without hurting myself – most of the time I didn't realize it was even happening.

I never learned how to sit with my feelings or even “feel” them – or allow them – and know that they would eventually pass – no matter what they were. When I would fall into the pit of despair it felt like I would never climb out…all that has changed now. I don’t know why so I can’t explain it. I still have the same emotions, the same thoughts – there are times I’m still depressed, and I still want to hurt myself – but I haven’t.

looks happy and healthy from the outside.
on the inside though you can tell she's dying.
she's dying a slow and painful death.
everybody is resuscitating her against her will.
all she wants is to let go.
a chance to be free.
why keep her alive in this misery?
don't they see how bad she wants to let go?
don't they see that they are only hurting her more?
there's nothing they can do.
she is past that point.
help should have come a long time ago.
when she was asking for it.
when she told you how she felt.
when she was screaming for help and all you did was look away.
tell her it would all get better.
she was to young.
her favorite was that we'll deal with it later.
she's tired of waiting.
tired of acting.
she's gonna keep going back to that dark place.
why not just let her go?
it's not like you would care?

lips that pour lies like wine
yet bittersweet, truly divine
hearts that cage love like birds
in nothingness where they lurk
fingers reaching cold as ice
playing life by rolling dice
and promises uttered like a truth
of tiny fairies collecting a tooth

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