Not sure what it is
I'm not sure when or how it happened
But I know I can't get you of my mind
Is it the first time I saw those eyes, with those gorgeous thick eyebrows
Or the first time I saw that beautiful smile
Heard that beautiful laugh
Or it how I got intimidated by you and your beauty, that I started babbling just to hide it

Is it how you laughed at my stupid "I'm loving it" McD joke, lol
Or how you carried the conversion so well it felt like we knew each other all our lives
Maybe it's how you shared your taste of music with me, or your favorite book
Or it's how you let a stranger you just met, watch your peacefully sleep on the couch
Ncooh, you were so cute

Or is it how you told me your life story of how you almost died in a car crash, and how glad I was you didn't
Or how attentively you listened to mine and how scared you were when I told you about my near death experience

Probably was the way you were so appreciative of my little gifts, like that cute pillow, or your favorite lily's
Felt like sending you everyday just to get that reaction
Haven't forgotten the promise to send you flowers at least once or twice a year, or tell you how beautiful you're every so often, even though I didn't keep it
You even probably forgot about it

Or is it how you admired my little spare time lockdown paintings,
How you constantly reminded me how good I am, even though I didn't feel the same
Or is it how it made me feel when I saw it hanging on your mom's wall
It meant everything

Maybe it is those random long calls at all hours of the day
Those giving me advice type of calls
By the way, thanks for helping with my little sister's self esteem, it meant the world to me, hope to repay it some day.

Or maybe it was those late night video calls
Those "watching you fall asleep" video calls
I definitely think it was those times you prayed with me
Never felt like that with anyone else before
Not sure what it is, but one thing I know for sure,

Either way, I think I fell in love with you
And I'm not loving It

It’s me, Your 29 year old self. Listen;
Life is a wonderful journey. You meet a lot of people, experience a lot of things and learn a lot.
I kinda like the person you grow up to be. But there are some choices I think you could make a little different.

You were born in the house of prayer. Your grandfather was a bishop. So the first thing is, always make God your first priority. Involve prayer in everything you do and you will succeed.
Don't seek wealth, but seek Wisdom and Understanding. Remember "Ukuqala kobulumko, kukoyika uYEHOVA." The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom.

Growing up have a lot of challenges, one of which is brought by the company you keep. It’s normal to meet a lot of people and become friends. But one thing you don't have to do is to try and change who you are just to impress them. "...Do not be deceived: Bad company corrupts good morals... 1Corinthians 15:33"
So beware of the people you call your companions. If you wanna be successful, walk in the company of successful people.

You have one of the greatest characteristics. You are kind, too sweet I might add, You Trust easily, and too honest for your own good. People will realize this and try to use them against you, or take advantage of you. Don't let them. But look, these characteristics are what makes you, you. Don't ever change them for no one. Not even a woman you love. Only real people in your life will accept and acknowledge them without trying to change you. Rather be hated by the world, than God. Remember, who is loved by the world, is despised by the Heavens.

You will grow up to be a good looking fella. You are gonna love and get heart broken. But don't close yourself up on love because of a few heart breaks, it’s just a lesson we all have go through. "Let Love and Faithfulness never leave you; bind them on your neck, write them on the tablet of your Heart...Proverbs 3:3"
Never forget these words.

Money isn’t everything. It sure gets you all the finer things in life. It gets you a few fake friends as well as a lot of girls. But anything that can be bought by money can easily be replaced and well, people are all not real.

If you are 8 years old now, guess u must be in Grade 3. Remember in my life. I had a bad car accident before November exams, and due to that I couldn't write. But you know what; I had already passed due to the year mark. Now that's how smart you are.
You have the potential and ability to be whoever and whatever you want. You are going to dream of big things. I know in your age you dream of becoming an Astronaut or Pilot. You will grow up and realize you have love for numbers, and you'd want to do something extraordinary like becoming an Analytical Scientist or Professor in Mathematics. Don't give up on that dream. Follow it no matter how impossible it seems.
I chose the easy way out, the safe way.

You have to get out of your comfort zone. Do things that you wouldn't normally consider doing. Take the risks, take the dive. Remember, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love and a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7"

From the day you were born your mother knew you would grow up to be something great. You have a potential to do anything. Your mom is great. She'll be your rock, your pillar, your source of strength, your shelter from any storm. She got your back.
Now, make her proud.

This is probably the last letter umma wite to you
But as I'm drafting this letter, I'm left with a lof of thoughts
And somehow, I feel like everyone is judging me
Everyone thinks I'm pretending
I don't know why, because

No one could understand the pain I feel
The tears I've held back
No one could understand the heartache
The confusion
The questions with no answers
The dissapointment in myself
In everyone else

No one understands the hate I feel
The rage burning inside my heart

I blame everyone
I blame the world
I blame myself

Busy thinking about my mom's prayer
She asked God why didn't He take us instead
Her biological children
Because maybe people wouldn't judge her so much
Maybe she would've felt like she was a better mother
Because to her it seemed like only the children she adopted were being taken away
Maybe I don't know
You know how much that broke my heart?
You know how much it hurt to hear that?
How much tears I had to hold back
It hurt worse because I understood

Your death got my extended family members branding my mother a bad mom
A witch, some a murderer
It on the upside showed me how much you were loved
How many people came to see you off
It showed me how much an angel you were to other people,
To your school mates, to your friends
It also showed me blood ain't ****
Showed me all the wolves in the family who were in sheep clothing
It devastated me more, revealing the person I trusted and loved the most, wasn't who I thought it was

But most of all it hurt my mom dearly
And hurt me dearly
I didn't expect the hurt would be gone in a week, but I didn't expect it would hurt even more each day

I know these are just words on a piece of paper, or a smartphone notepad
You probably won't see a thing
But I think this is my healing process
This is me trying to let you go
I might not know the right way to,
But believe me I'm trying

This somehow still feels like a dream
And I'm hoping I will wake up soon

But anyway
I'm letting you go now, but not letting you leave
For a part of me, you'll forever remain

Yours truly
Big Bro.

I'm sitting here, alone in my thoughts
Drowning myself in alcohol trying to forget.
Trying to make sense of it all, why?
Busy re-learning the 3 W's from my Life Orientation teacher, mma Vaaltyn;
What?
When?
Why?
To be honest I don't think I need to know How, because it makes me hurt even more thinking about it

I can still see your smile.
You looked full of life,
You looked happy,
You looked...
I don't know, I'm running of words to explain how you looked because I realize now it was just a mask
You kept it on to let the world not bother you
Kept it on for your protection
I did always know that looks lie but I didn't know it meant this
I will lie to myself and pretend this doesn't hurt, but little sis it really does

What about your matric farewell?
I was supposed to drive you, remember?
What about your 21st birthday?
What about your college graduation?
What about the days at the park?
Days at Naval hill, playing, enjoying?
Last great day I had with you was at the park, Shell ultra.
We were having so much fun till my lil nephew ruined it by falling from the see saw.
I can still remeber your laugh
The poses you made while I was busy taking pictures
The conversations, the memories  

We'll, I'm on my 3rd bottle now,
I cannot even see clearly as I type this,
And I still cannot understand little sis,
Why?
What do I tell your dad when I see him in the afterlife?
What do I tell your mom too?
Did you miss them too much?
Is that it?
It that why you took your life?
You just couldn't wait to see them?
Or were you tired of this life you just had to go?

What do I tell your big sister?
She left you in the best hands she knew
How do I make her understand?
And what about your little brother?
How do I even begin to make him understand why?
What do I say it's the reason why?
Is it school?
Is it friends?
Is it the family?
Or is it me little sis?

Answer me! Can't you hear I'm talking to you?
Busy looking for an answer at the bottom of this Chivas bottle
Doubt I'm gonna get it
But where else would I get it?
Because you're not here to answer me little sis, are you?
You know you could've talked to me right?
Please wake up, I'm sorry.
Forgive me little sis,
Forgive me uncle,
Forgive me auntie.

I'm sorry I didn't spend enough time with you
Sorry I didn't call you enough
I should've seen the signs
The last Whatsapp post you posted last night was a friend who passed
Is it why?
You looked sad
I should've asked you if you're okay
Why didn't I ask you?
Why did I just read and ignore?
Maybe I could've talked you out of this
Maybe..
Just maybe
I'm really sorry.
Maybe it's my fault too...

I'm gonna miss you little sis
Death has no shame, has no fear

I guess we might never know why
Whatever it is that drove you to this point, I know you it was a valid reason for you

Sleep well lil sis
Say hi to uncle Kelos for me.
I love you
We love you
And truly miss you...

A new day has come
Yesterday left, left you all alone in your sleep
What a snake! He didn't even say goodbye, but yet
Today came with a whole lot new meaning
He wishes to put a smile on your face
Wipe all your tears away
Make all of your dreams come true
Forget about yesterday, today is here, God is here
All rooting for you to make it.
And It's a brand new day...

The day is 7th of June 2021
I'm sitting in house, going thru my phone, and a Whatsapp notification pops up,
It's my daughter in a white beautiful gown, in the arms of another man.
The message attached read,
"It was my wedding yesterday and..."
Wait what? I hit Pause.

How come I wasn't invited?
I'm her father, how could she?
These are all the thoughts crossing my mind
I'm heart broken, shattered, ******
My daughter married without me?

Rewind 27 years ago..
The day is the 6th of Jan 94
We laying in bed giggling
Then I suddenly hear the words, "we need to talk"
I start sweating, thinking about everything I might've done wrong
I'm shaking, I'm worried, I'm frozen
"I'm from the doctor today. We are expecting, and it's a girl", she says
My heart start pumping, emotions overwhelm me
I'm happy, worried, mad
"Wow! I'm gonna be dad.
How am I gonna support her?
Why didn't she use morning after pills?"
Oh boy, so what now?

For the man I am, I start making promises
"Babe, I will always be here for you and her.
Every birthdays, the first steps, and the first falls.
The first laughs and the first tears. I will be there.
I will be there for the graduations, the first time she falls in love, and the first heart brake.
I will be there when she gets her first job, and I will be there when she buys her new house.
I'll be there when she decides to get married, and I will be there to walk her down the isle."

I will protect her, protect you.
I will love you always.
I will never leave you
All this promises and I start to sound like Mariah Carrey singing 'I'll Be There'
But the truth is, when it mattered the most, I was Never There.

Fast forward 27 later, and not a single promise I kept
Well, at least not all of them
Because I was always there, only not for them, but for my new family I left them for
I was there everytime my new wife chased me out because I lost my job, and like good hearted people my ex family and daughter were, they welcomed me to stay.
After that, I still left everytime I got a new job.
I was there for all the birthdays, only not my daughter's.
I was there for her first heartbreak, I was the cause
I was the first man ever to break her heart, and I'm afraid she never recoverd
I was there when she got her new job,
Actually to be precise, when she got her first paycheck
I was there everytime I wanted something
And I was nowhere when she needed anything
When she needed a dad,
When she needed a protector,
When she needed advice,
When she needed to be held,
And I was nowhere when she decided to get married

I don't know what I was expecting
Maybe I thought she'll call me
I thought she'd invite me
But how could she, when all I did was to make her lose trust in any man

The message continued..
"I wanted you to know,
I finally found a man now dad
A man who loves me like you should have
A man who protects me
A man who is always there for me
A man who showed me what it is to be everything you never were
He is not perfect, but he never left me either
A man I'm happy to call my husband "

"And you know what? I forgive you. I forgive me.
Even though you're the first man to ever break my heart, I still love you dad.
I hope you enjoy your life with your new family.
So long."

Message ended.

Isn't it funny how the world has changed?
They used cover their bodies in proper clothing and confidently display their natural hair and skin.
Now they burry their face in makeup and hide their natural hair with weaves but wear close to nothing, and call it "being confident in your skin."