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Lee Dec 2020
I like to lift in the morning. No one hears me. No one listens to the clanking of weights. Reality doesn’t exist. My bones don’t hurt. I push, heaving 50, 70, 90 pounds. Past the heaviness and the soreness. My mind is quick and crowded.

A ghost hovers over my shoulder. I can almost hear him breathe. He terrifies me; one day he’ll win. Well, I’m pretty sure he’ll win. Chances are good.

On the outside, I am self-assured Onalee. The Football Girl, isn’t she so fearless? She helps so many be confident like her, so sad about her grandmother, so tough too. She’s got strength written all over her, listens really well, she’s so good with her friends, why can’t all teenagers be like her?

On the inside, I am insecure Onalee, questions everyone, thinks she can save herself, never lets anyone in. Miss Attention, Miss Reassure, annoying, ugly. Appearances can be quite deceptive. She’s going crazy, I’ve seen it before.

Lift more.

Pain drifts along with the muscles of my core and grips my arms. Raising, holding, evaporating… I’m distilling myself in the evening. The ghost is whispering in my ear. Push faster. Push beyond the walls, push beyond my limits. My chest is flayed open; no lungs to breathe with, no heart to pound. My skin is rough. I take it off when I’m unstable.
I had to write this for my English class and I was kinda proud of it. Thanks for taking a minute to read it if you got to this point!
Lee Dec 2020
If, for some reason, I don't make it any longer, just know I am not in pain. I spent my last few months questioning and discovering myself. I was born a female. 'A beautiful baby girl.' Onalee was her name. Isn't it adorable?
   I spent 15 years thinking, believing I was a girl. That I would grow into a perfect woman.
   No. I'm not a girl, my name is not Onalee. Not anymore at least.
:) I don't know why I'm posting this but I wrote it in my little black notebook last night and whatever is written in the black book, moves here sooner or later.
Lee Dec 2020
There is a shadow
under this red rock
(Come in under the shadow
of this red rock)
And I will show you
something different from either
Your shadow at morning
striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening
rising to meet you
I will show you fear
in a handful of dust
Lee Dec 2020
They tell me to pray
Like god is the way
Like there's something to save me from
Like my heart isn't a drum

And with every beat
Is another defeat
Knowing how they think
Makes my thoughts turn to ink

Pray
Everyday
Like its the only way
I'll be saved
I don't need to be saved
I just need to be accepted by you
But you'll never look away from your god
Lee Dec 2020
I write in rhymes
That fool you to believe
I've live for a long time
But really I'm naive

I don't know anything
I haven't been through
Anything that warrants
Such sad behavior

I'm depressed without a reason
I'm hurt by old memories I can't change
I'm heartbroken by someone who never loved me
I'm sensitive, without a clue as to why
Does any get what I mean? Or is it all in my head?
Lee Dec 2020
'its been a minute
look at you
you seem so well'

you look at me
'are you okay?'
you're concerned

'of course! why?'
'You don't look the same..'
I stare at you

'I'm fine'
You turn
And leave
love how you still pretend to care
Lee Dec 2020
During the day
I feel okay
'I'm fine'
Is not a lie

I'm happy
Almost sappy
I'm so sad
It makes me mad

During the night
I'm still alright
But 'I'm fine'
It's only a line

I'm empty
My feelings need an entry
But they won't arrive tonight
Not while my chest feels tight
:) :( >:( >:) :') :'(
Lee Dec 2020
No one would care
Not even me

And I should care
The absolute most

But I don't, I can't
Why should I try?

It's not even worth it
It never really has been
sorry
Lee Oct 2020
I don't know what to do
To get me back to you
I've got nothing left to lose
I'm sadness, I'm tears, I'm blues

All bridges have been crossed
Our love has simply been lost
Lee Dec 2020
My existence relies on making people happy.
Not by sacrificing my own but through this.
Poetry.
And maybe I'll never make you, reading this in particular,
Feel anything at all, but someone
Somewhere has to understand, right?
I know it does. It has to.
I write with all my emotions.
And emotion sparks emotion
That logic just makes sense.
Please tell me I make anyone feel anything
Lee Dec 2020
I'll stay as long as I have you
In my corner
Because I'll always be
In yours
Lee Dec 2020
I can do so many things in this life.
Good things and bad things.

But those things hold no meaning.
      Nothing does.

All that matters is me.
My body and its form in this world

And you. Your presence.
Your thoughts, Your actions, and Your meaning.
Me and You.

And all the others.
The others. The millions of people that live each day while dying.
Trying so hard to find themselves with so much out there.

But none of it holds true meaning.

Me and You and The Others.

When so many things are distorted,
We are the only real things out there.
i'm here
Lee Dec 2020
I still remember
That god awful day
I said I liked you
And you took it the wrong way

I remember how I cried
Pleaded
Begged
And you said it's what I needed

'Stop'
'Please no'
'No more'
'One more go'
I still remember you
Lee Dec 2020
It's like a hole. Where my feelings are supposed to be.
It's not like I don't feel, I do feel certain things.
But it's a brief passing of an emotion.
When I'm happy, it's only for a moment.
Yet when I'm sad, it hits hard and heavy
It's like a hole.
But I feel that hole
All the time
here's me talking about it
Lee Oct 2020
"Had he and I but met
By some old ancient inn,
We should have sat us down to wet
Right many a nipper kin!

"But ranged as infantry
And staring face to face
I shot him as he at me,
And killed him in his place."
Lee Oct 2020
Tonight I am sad

Tonight I am lonely

My demons are screaming

and I need you to hold me
to no one in particular
Lee Dec 2020
I hear them there every day.
Why won't they go away?
They tell me that I'll be betrayed.
Will it really be that way?

They fill my brain with thoughts and doubts.
Will I ever make it out
Of the hell that I am in?
I don't think I'll ever win.

I'm sure they've taken over me.
The voices make me want to flee.
They make me want to cry inside,
but I know that I can't hide.
I'm tired of listening to it.
Lee Oct 2020
Shall one stare for long
They should catch a glimpse
Of what once was

Far below the waves
Beneath the tide
Yet within the current

There was an overwhelming quiet
A feeling small and deafening
A certain calmness in the flux

Shall one stare for long
They should catch a glimpse
Of what once was

— The End —