I've been asked why
I don't fight for you
Flirt! they say
Assert your womanly powers! Enchant him! You'll get him one day!
But I don't want to fight
Because you are not an object I long for
And "us" is not a goal towards which I strive
You are a person
And I want only what is good for you
And crazy as it sounds,
I don't want to be with you
Unless I know it's what you want
I am demure and unprovocative
I am quiet and not talkative
I will not try to trap you in a net of seduction
Because love is patient
And resides in truth
I give you pens and paper and food
Try to make you laugh when you're in a bad mood
Give you advice and support
I will be your indestructible fort
And ask for nothing in return
No excessive generosity or false concern
Because love is kind, and keeps no records
I do not tell people all that there is and has been between us
I let them speculate and guess
Because love does not boast
It is not arrogant or rude
I do not weep over you and brood
I don’t hate the girls you flirt with
Because jealousy isn’t love, nor is it evidence of love
And I don't care when your buddies laugh at us
When we fool around, push and shove
Because love is not irritable or resentful
I do not find joy in finding you vulnerable and weakened
Because love does not rejoice at wrongdoing
I don't care when you joke around and lack tact and gentility
Instead I stay calm, and bask in tranquility
Because love is not easily angered
I will keep you safe and speak to you
Words of comfort and reassurance
Because love always protects
When you don't want to speak, I will hold you
Because love always respects
I will wait for you
Because love always trusts, always hopes
I will be your friend no matter what the cost
Because love knows what is precious, and always preserves
I bear it all with blind devotion
Navigating through every tumultuous ocean
Because love accepts all things, believes all things, endures all things
I endure the pain of what is unrequited
But being with you makes me happy
Because love doesn’t always hurt
If it always hurts it’s something else
Fear, attachment, addiction or possessiveness;
That is not love
I do not want to be your girlfriend
I don’t want us to be together
I want you to be happy
Because love is all selflessness
It’s the opposite of need and attachment
It’s allowing, rather than seeking
Letting go, rather than grasping
If it happens, it’ll happen
But if we ever end up together
Let it be as light and extrinsic as a falling feather
Let it be a sweet collision of hearts
A lucky foregathering of souls
And not the victory of a hard-fought battle
And I know that your kiss will be sweetest
If our lips stumble into each other in the darkness
Without desperate searching
I will not try to "get over you"
I will not flounder, I will not fret
I will not try to forget
Because love never ends
It transcends
And that is why
I will not fight
And I will not mention the letters I have written you- and had not sent, and now will never send.
And there will be regret
Bittersweet memories and wasted lips
It'll ache a little sometimes
I know, I know,
That I am perhaps renouncing a thousand kisses
A hundred long, thrilling dances in your arms
A hundred evenings not to be recaptured
But I'll live with it
I will not fight


*(But get me
I will not fight to obtain you
But I would fight to the death
Blood and sweat
To save you)

You are weary, I think

Of endless puzzles and games

And short romantic flames



You have grown disenchanted

With everything

Every stupid girl and foolish fling



You are bored

Of things built upon passing waves

Of all these conformists, these slaves



You have grown spiteful

Against people whining and nagging

And keeping secrets and bragging



And you are exasperated, maybe,

With all your toys breaking

As soon as you take them out of their boxes



It may be you are sick

Of instability and castles of crumbling sand

Of things reeling and getting out of hand



You have grown impatient

With cheaters and capricious ******

Who claim they are forever yours



You are tired, perhaps

Of feeling alone

And things aching through no fault of your own



I may not be

The sturdiest thing you've ever laid eyes on

I am little, and frail

And weak and pale

And I stumble when it's windy out

But I know, without a doubt

That for you I will be strong

That I will never do you wrong

I'll keep you from going off the brink

Because you are weary, I think

Your gentle breath
Stirs autumn leaves in the streets of my mind
Your eyes are so promising,
Rolling like newsreel camera,
Your pupils shifting like lenses
Their tender glint
Swears there is something better
Something bigger than this
Somewhere, perhaps soon
Somewhere the sparrows sing
Without cages
And the summers are blue
And the satin is black
Your hands on my back
Rub and comfort for what I will remember
Was an eternity
Someday maybe you'll sway with me
Sing, sing willow tree
We'll pretend
We've always swayed together
Maybe one day you'll engulf me
When I, fed to the tongues of fire,
Will turn my face to the flames
To the burning, divine kiss
But it would scorch my heart
With a single ember
Of a charred willow tree

I'm at my desk paying bills

Utility papers, debts and pills

I'm tired, and I feel the old feelings reside

There's a primitive darkness stirring outside

Stars electric, sky like ink

I look up at the window and think,



I no longer know where you are

Somewhere in the world, strumming your guitar?

I put down the papers, the wine and the pen

I open the door

And shove myself into the night



I'm past the house now

Dark air fluttering all around me

I can almost smell your musk

I'm walking on cold pavement, and surrounded by dusk

I can't see where I'm headed, I can't see where I am

It was always that way

I walk on and remember

Us dissolving and dying like a brazen ember

Our platonic parting,

College, we lost touch

You didn't really care much

The texts became sparse and faded away

We got our own lives, and wandered astray

We walk alone now, separate worlds, separate streets

I've got a husband now, snoring in white sheets

And children, and beige furniture

Sleeping in the dark house behind me

and the hard

words


I never said

can now be 

said:



I love


you.



Looming shadows of trees

A cold, biting breeze

So much darkness, and nothing to distract me from

All the memories

I shove my hands in my pockets

And remember

I remember the feel of you, Old Spice,

The jokes and stupid advice

Art, your smile and the glow

All those years, watching us grow

The light in the window, your guitars,

Movies, parents, and Bear Valley stars

Bad lip readings, our noons, simply living

Taking, borrowing, lending and giving

Fighting, yelling, grins and forgiving

Always talking, drawing, writing, both stupid and clever

Skiing, flying together, immortal forever

And french class- j'aime, j'aimais, j'ai aimé, j'aimerai

Your hand, my hand, your notebooks and mine,

All these memories and our slow decline.



The wind blows hard tonight


And it's a cold wind

I was young

And naive, and all of it stung

Love, it hurt like a knife

inside,

Washed over my heart like a brutal tide

And now...now I wander in the cool darkness

Weeping a bit, ashamed of my sentimentality



The wind is so viciously howling

I remember

I gave in, I let love enfold me

And the tender little

words
I was too scared to

voice

can now

be

said:


I love

 you.



I have a family now, a job, the years run thin

I didn't lose, I didn't win

Nothing changed

This feeling,

it was locked in place

I weep as I feel the night's embrace

In the darkness, something broke

Something 
remained, and something awoke



I loved you when it would have taken less courage
 not to

You were the only one who understood

I look up at the stars and think,

I no longer know where you are

I no longer know who we are

The saltwater flows in tiny streams

Here I am, a bundle of past recollections and dreams



I'm still walking in the twilight's midst

I look down at my little wrist

I'm still as frail as I was in high school

And maybe still as fragile

I haven't really grown

I'm still skin and slim bone

I'm not made of much

I'm made of the ones I have loved

The ones who have loved me

And the ones I've yet to love

That's all

And the simple

words


I never wrote

can now

be

etched out into the darkness with my hands:

I love

 you.



Love is fragile

But somehow remains engraved

The pieces are saved,

The things that hovered on lips,

That might have been said

And love stays in the head

The memories don't fade

They stay sharp as a blade

All the things past, that happened

Or that might have occurred.



There is only one love in life,

That's the heart's strife

Or there are all kinds of love in the world,

But never the same love twice

So many feelings once should suffice

You will never be lost to me

As long as I remember you

Oh anyways the darkness is ebbing

And I must stop to roam

I need to go home

I can hear my husband from the family of elites

Stirring in the sheets

Awaiting breakfast

My entire life

No matter where I go, who I'm with, what I'm doing, how drunk I am

I have always felt on the outside - out of the picture

From childhood's hour

I have not been like others are

I've always been

Out of the conversation, at a distance

As though I am alone in existence

Everywhere I go, there is an impenetrable barrier

At home I'm a foreigner in my own land

I've always felt like a different breed

Slowing down when others pick up speed

As if I was the only one picking up the sounds or words that others don't hear

Deaf to the words that they do hear

I do not hear what others hear, I do not see what others see

Doing, saying, thinking things that others don't

When I try to explain what my world is like,

I baffle and stutter and can't find the words

And they look at me

From the other side of the barricade

With condescending, puzzled smiles

I've never really been a part of a group, a piece of a whole

Even in my own house, with my own friends,
I've always been an intruder

Everything I say, everything I do seems offbeat

I feel like everyone is dancing some sort of elaborate choreography

And I haven't learned the steps

Or they're all playing a game

And no one taught me the rules, or let me roll the dice

I've always felt out of it,

As if I was alone on the opposite side of an enormous, invisible window

Pressing my hands against the glass, tracing worlds in the fog

A stranger looking in

I've always felt it

Struggling to break the sturdy facade

In crowded parties, sleepovers,

Lunch breaks, with my family, with best friends



But with him

I'm not an outsider

Even though we argue, or call each other names,

Or slap each other, or steal each other's pens

We understand each other

Simply

Easy

With him

There is no window, no barrier, no wall

When we talk, there is only us

Encased in a small, invisible circle

A circle I'm not excluded from

Which enclosed us, and protects us from the world

All the others fade,

And only remains this sort of forcefield

There's no plausible explanation

For this halo

Nothing logical about it

Nothing like "we just get along",

Because we don't, not always

But the circle is there

Undeniable and hopefully eternal



One day I'll trace that circle

Around us, and he'll see it

too

One day
When my hair is graying, face is creasing
My husband will be at work
His apathy slowly increasing
And making him a rude ****.
My kids will be at school being fed empty knowledge
Preparing for college
And the TV set will be blaring
I won't be caring
About the static noise filling the beige room,
The news guy speaking of terror and gloom
A blue glare will reflect on the brown stained couch
On which I will be sitting, with a woebegone and wistful slouch
And my brain will drift, slowly searching memory files
Going back for years and endless miles
And I will remember you,
The boy I once knew,
As the boy I never kissed
My eyes will mist
And maybe I'll cry
And give a shaky sigh
For so many reasons, and that lost kiss will merely be one

Your eyes are capable of arson
Your lips d-dr-drip kerosene
And I too easily combust
I fear you and I would be wildfire
When all I can handle is sparks
But perhaps we can find ourselves capable
Of making beautiful cinders

Forelsket

Hurts like a *****

It's la Douleur Exquise

Wishing I'd never known

Koi No Yokan

Far from me
Untouchable, unattainable
As the stars, the sky
My unrequited moon
My gorgeous mirage
My tender, distant pain
Far from me, my perpetual dream
Always there, always haunting
My present, present torment
My sweet little endless affliction
My persistent, substantial image
Far away from me
My delicious hell
My stubborn fantasy
But I don't mind
No, hope has not weakened me
(Yet)
I'm stronger now
Proud to walk ahead
Head held high
With the image of you in my mind
I will conquer the world
With the kiss you have not given me

If we were ever to end up together

I would take you up to hawk hill

And say "look

Baby,

This is the bench I always dreamed of you on.

See, this is where all the love poems come from

This is where I laid  down and pretended the back of the bench was your stomach and the wind was your hand

And the sun was you, all of you

But now you're here, and the bench can go back to just being a bench, and the wind can be wind again and the sun is the sun, whole and true and nothing but that

And while all these things are back to being themselves

You can be you and I can me

But we belong together, just 2 individuals

Isn't that beautiful?"



I would take you to my room

And say "look

This is where I always stayed up all night thinking of you.

This is where I wrote you all those letters,

And they're still there, under the mattress

You can look if you want"



If we were ever to end up together

I would hold your hand and smile

And say "it was all

A worthwhile wait

To be brought together

By the tender hand of fate"

We didn't even dance last night

The tables were wet, I sat in a trance

The night was crunchy with a million stars

The roads sparkling with a hundred cars

I sought the moon's solace, but she wasn't there

I didn't bother seeking yours, you didn't care

Interested only in those filled with liqueur

You called me once, whispered my name

And we sat together, both too separate to understand

Too quick the morning came

But failed to sweep the night away

I fear I'll never find a way
To be with you..

Sometimes I look at you

And see a young, healthy blond boy

An innocent doll, a toy

With vacant little eyes-

An object in disguise



Sometimes I look at you

And see a wild thing-

A fervid, regal king

Blazing, strong, insane

Impossible to restrain