comes out when you're
quiet, when you least
want her - fingers. claws.
the blood drips down
your thighs. the
rumbling of your
mind become shouts,
become cries. she feels
like drowning, she feels
like trying to pull yourself
out of a cement mixer.
feels like the rain and
hail and blocks
and blocks of locked
doors and blinds
pulled tight.

I said
goodbye
and you said
goodnight
thinking we
meant the
same thing.

I dream about magic.
about bending time
and undoing the strings
of mistakes that land
me here every night,
the ocean of regret
and longing.

I dream about the
drifting, the days
I spent pushing you
away and the night
I spent falling into
the wrong arms.

my favorite dream is the
one where we go to bed
together, where
we should have been
all along.

that's the dream. the
longing is the nightmare.

felt it in my bones,
the day I met you.
felt the air around us
vibrate a little bit,
like the universe
whispering in my ear,
welcome home.
swept me off my
feet, swept me out of
my mind. took me too
many silent screams,
too many apologies,
too many scars to realize
the universe wasn't
welcoming me, but
warning me. run, babe.
get out of there while
there's still some of
you left. took me
years to realize I wasn't
swept off my feet but
pulled down by the
undertow.

burned the
house down,
started with our bed.
shredded the pictures,
used our bones as
kindling. watched
the kerosene of
everything we
could have been
feed the flame.

I watch my life
turn to ash, watch
you desperately
cling to any little
piece that still
remains.

guilt inches across
my skin like thousands
of little spider legs -
pour cement
down my throat
and let me choke.
it's all I deserve.

burned down
my own castle
obliterated my
own empire
slaughtered
all my own
people and
they still tell
me the princess
can save herself?

the princess
destroyed
herself.