a year and a half ago you demolished the home we built together and you ran a tornado across the flowers we grew but somehow the floorboards managed to stay intact and the seeds were untouched so I somehow managed to begin building our house again and I regrew the flowers in hope that you would one day return and realize that I was the love of your life but as time went on I began to grow weak and I had to start lying to everyone I knew saying that I was okay without you because I couldn't deal with the torment anymore and then you decided a week ago that you thought it was be a marvelous idea to tell me you wanted to see me and when I saw you at the coffee shop my knees got shaky and I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest but I couldn't handle lying anymore so I somehow was able to say how I felt and that you're still all I've ever wanted and the only thing you were able to say was that you thought that this was us working it out but my god we weren't ever going to be able to talk it out because you refused to tell me you were still in love with me and no matter what you say now it doesn't matter because in that moment you couldn't even speak so last night I ripped up the floorboards and I pulled out the flowers and seeds because I'll be ****** if I let you ruin my life any longer and while I wish I was still it for you I'm also starting to realize that I never really was it to begin with so I thank the lord because I think I'm finally clean and I think that I'll be able to go on without your voice wrapped around my throat.

in two weeks it'll be thanksgiving and then it'll be the Sunday you broke up with me and I thought that by now I'd be okay but I still remember the bathroom stall I was sitting in the Monday after crying my eyes out because my mother insisted that I get out of bed and go do something so I could feel better and I remember being with my entire family and crying for an hour straight and my cousin coming outside and carrying me in because I couldn't even stand on my own two feet anf I couldn't stop vomiting your lies and your promises so he needed to get me to the bathroom and I remember when i finally was able to get out of bed and go to school and my grades plummeted and my teachers thought that I was just another lazy student that shakes a little too much and who leaves for the bathroom a little too often and who always comes back with bloodshot eyes and mascara on my neck because I was sitting there crying and I thought I had gotten every black speck off but I never did and I thought that I hid everything so well but then I remember when you called me in January drunk and told me you missed me and I rememberchoking back the tears and sayingthat I don't love you anymore but I think you could tell that you completely ripped up the floorboards in my heart and that I'm not going to get better for awhile and now I'm terrified because you were right and I'm still stubbing my toes on the nails sticking out the ground and I'm still getting splitters in my feet from the rotting wood and I'm still not okay.

today I reconnected with my best friend from freshmen year and she couldn't stop talking about how much she missed her friends from the simpler time and she didn't even mention a word about the boy who broke her heart in January, which led her into a rapid downfall that included drugs and alcohol and self manipulation. when I brought him up, she chuckled a little and said, "oh yeah, I haven't thought about him in a long time" and I swear to god, it felt like a stab in my heart because I remember being heartbroken with her in late January when you spit on my heart and threw salt in my wounds and we promised each other that in a few years they wouldn't matter anymore, but I'm still here two years later and the tables are turned and I'm drowning in alcohol and drugs and self manipulation and she is recovered and beautiful, and I swear it's like *everyone is able to heal and recover from an catastrophe except me.

I just don't understand why you can't get it through your thick skull that's filled with facts about history that most teachers don't even know and your intense incredible love for drawing, it's always been you. it's been you since the summer before my eighth grade year and the summer before my junior year and all the summers inbetween and it didn't matter if it was four am or four pm or whether I was writing or swimming, it was always you. even when I was drunk and kissing another boy, it was you. when a new boy is kissing my neck, I wish it's you, and when a new boy tells me that he's falling in love with me, it's still always you and I can't even begin to imagine loving anyone else with blue eyes and a dorky smile besides you. and I'm really trying here to explain to you that even through you've repeatedly broken my heart and have repeatedly made me cry, you were still always the one that kept me from getting really bad again. so I know that you're off at college falling in love with a new girl every night but you need to know that it's still you for me, and I think it always will be.

you promised that you'd never leave me until I was stitched all together and was able to walk by myself but just as I was starting to stand on my own two feet you ripped the stitches out of me and left me bleeding for days so maybe I promised never to get this bad again but at least I didn't promise to stay until the end and then reck someone's world like you did.

I overheard someone muttering about how naive I am to trust someone like you and maybe they're right but when you're kissing my neck and my fingers are running through your hair every single rumor buckles beneath me and the only thing I can make out is you whispering in my ear about how you've never wanted anything or anyone so much in your life

a month ago I confessed to my best friend that I tripped over the shattered pieces of my previously broken heart, and smacked face first into a boy that could never ever be infatuated with me like he is with Jack but that for some reason I'm still gaining feelings for him quicker than a shooting star can grant a drunken wish.
she told me that I need to stay as far away from him that I possibly can because he's going to kiss me and leave a permanent stain on my lips and then will tell me that he's in love with another girl and no matter how much I scrub my lips and brush my teeth the stain will always be there haunting me about how I gave myself up to a boy who was always in love with someone else. she said that all my bruises from the old boy just faded away and that I shouldn't put myself into a situation where I would only come out with new bruises and cuts on my ankles from when I had to run through the woods to get away from the feeling of my heart sinking to the bottom of my stomach and then shattering into a million pieces with jagged edges that rip apart my insides.  
I told her that everything would be okay and that he's different. I said that he would put me on his back and that we'd fly through the galaxy and build our own world, leaving behind every single person that has hurt us and made us bleed. I told her that he picked me off of the ground, dusted me off, and opened me up like an old book to see my insides and what my demons look like. and I promised her that he would keep my stitches together until I healed.

but oh boy was I wrong and now I'm bleeding more than ever.