Am I the drowned woman
Keeping the shore
At bay
As I float towards
Expanding seas
Wider than any land
I could set foot on
The sky is wider still
But then,
I’ve never
Been one to fly
And each point
of each sun
Burns into
My Skin
So I stay here
Underwater
If I am still
Enough
I could believe
I am floating
In the black
Vacuum of
A sky I will
Never really
Know.

It’s like plucking the wings off of angels
And you can’t help but wonder
Who’s really in control here
Are those tears or are they blood
Is there really a difference now?

Dream of a home that no longer exists
You were right, you can’t go back there
Not now, not ever
But still, the gates are closing
And you are being pulled back in.

How can you help anyone
When you don’t even know
That you are the one that needs saving
How can you ask for the help
You don’t know you need.

And they’ve got your wings twisted
Clipped and torn, tagged and tracked
Giving a whole new meaning to
“Angels are watching over you”.

I realize now
That the twisting of time
Is not something I can stop
Resetting the clock
Changes nothing
Not really
And I can’t help
But be a little thankful
At this loss of control
If I could change time
Would I want to?
Would I change
Any decision I’ve ever made?
Would I want to know
Really, truly know
Where I’d be
If I wasn’t the sum
Of the consequences
I cannot change?

There is tragedy written in every line of your body
Like your skin is too fragile to hold all your scars
You breathe like you won’t get another chance to
Maybe you won’t, what do I know about it?

I can see you have a story for each and every wound
But you aren’t looking to tell the world
You know no one would believe you anyway
No one listens when you tell the truth
No one cares if you lie

You take one more breath, one more step
And hope it doesn’t all fade away
You were meant to go out brightly
The flames of a dying sun
It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

There is still dust under your nails
From acts of creation, of redemption
There will always be blood
Staining the lines of your hands
There is not enough water in the world
To erase those stains, even if you did want them gone.

Your sins sit heavy on your shoulders
And you don’t think you can bear them anymore
You are stumbling, trying so hard, too hard
To be who you should have been all along.

You are a messenger in a bulletproof vest
Holding your palms out in surrender

You are flinch, twitch, and jump
At voices you can’t stand to hear

You are nails chewed ******
Nervous habits and red face

You are grit your teeth and bear it
When all you want is to be alone.

You are clawing fear under skin
And trying not to show it.

You never believed in happy endings
A life lived clean
Was never in the cards for you
Your hands smear stains of blood and dirt
Into clothing layered with so much of it
You wonder if that’s all it is anymore
You wonder at how your heart holds together
With all of the pieces torn out of it
But it’s mended with alcohol, sewing kit sutures
And sheer force of will.
You are so tired of blood
You are so tired of being weighed down
By the force of your past
But it’s all you’ve ever known
And sometimes you wonder what it’s like
To look to the future
And hope.

You are the amplified heartbeat
Pounding through my head
Like hoofbeats, predicting a stampede
A wild thing, just tamed
Baring teeth at the hand that feeds
and slowly forgetting
That the blood singing in your veins
Was meant for more than cages.