It’s not that we are from different worlds
Or live to far
Or can’t make it work
If we tried

But I have trouble trusting your words
And what you say
I’m worth more than lies
Or fake forced smiles

I need someone constant, honest
Not just a fancy fling
Here’s the thing
Sweet boy
I’m smarter than you think
I read white lies.
And though you try
To smooth talk you way through me
I’m beautifully grounded
As strong as I can be

I’m better than this
And smart to know
You’re no good for me
It’s time I let go.

I know where this will lead
And I have to believe
I’ll find someone good
Who will love me the way
I wish you could

I’ve settled for less
And felt emptiness
But my head tells the story
You’re the one for me

I love you, Go away
I hate you, Please stay

My head is confused
My heart has been bruised
By the times I pretended
I needed you

Pluck my petals darling
Love me or love me not
Prune the dead stems
And watch me blossom

This potential person I want you to be
Is not the man you are to me
I’m a purposeful girl
With plenty of strength
To move myself forward
And push through the pain
Eyes stay front
And feet be steady
I’ve let you go
Whether or not I am ready.

I own an ugly sweater
It has tatters and tears
Misshapen patterns
And holes everywhere

From the missing tag
That’s been savagely clawed and cut out
Why companies make them so scratchy
I have yet to find out.

Cheese grader sized holes
From where hungry moths attacked
For their personal enjoyment
Or a midnight snack.

A perfectly good sweater
And being prone to sharp corners
Don’t pair well together
Just ask my unraveling thread
That’s been caught onto edges
And hideously snagged.

It’s humorously sad
Go ahead, you can laugh
Your sweater is next
The moths are coming
I promise you that.

The bottom frays like a hippy
I would say it looks cool
But that style died in the seventies
Just wait, that that trend will recycle
I’m not in denial.

The fabric and material
What’s left of it
Is a delicate cashmere…

Alright fine, it’s a scratchy wool
Ancient, archaic, and feels like Velcro.

Sometimes leaves cling
So I look like a tree
The optimistic side of me
Just says nature loves me.

But I could do without the bees
Ohh so many stings…

The insides are bumpy
From being cleaned on high heat
Now my sweater suffers from dwarfism
It’s challenged vertically.

The wrists are stretched out
From being rolled up and down
Permanently smells like dirt or meat
Depending on my activity
Or what I had to eat.

Blackened mascara speckles the sleeve
From dramatic tears
Or being too lazy to grab a tissue
As if my sweater doesn’t have enough issues
I drag in my problems
My pendulum swinging emotions
If my sweater were human
I swear, it would leave me.

It’s been thrown on the floor
Tossed in the back of my car
Tied around my waist
And forgotten in stores
I always say sorry
I hope it forgives me.

From the sleeves that cradles sneezes
Hugs are completed
Sharing germs or sharing love
All becomes one experience.
You’re welcome.

The front like a canvas
A Jackson ******* painting
Ubiquitous splatters of coffee stains.

Missing sips that dripped off my lips
From being scolding hot
Or scarce concentration
But nine times out of ten
It’s my deficient attention.

Looking like it’s been through hell
And no denying it has.
Sure, I could donate this human sized rag
But they wouldn’t know the story behind
Each stain and frayed thread.

They would see the sweater as just ugly
Dismiss there was even a journey
They wouldn’t ask
The why’s or how’s it came to be.

This sweater is not just fabric
It’s a memory
An extension of me.
…
..
.
But seriously,
I should get this dry-cleaned
It’s disgusting.

But I love it.

I feel the tears coming on
I push them away
Shake my head
Lift my chin
I refuse break
Not again.

I am stronger than to let myself
Be bullied around
By my own thoughts
Fingers pointed
In no specific direction
No fault to blame
No one to call out
Just my intense feelings
Overtaking me.

I push
And push
It’s no wonder I am exhausted
Always fighting to keep my head above water
Either drowning
Or falling under.

My well being getting smaller
Words of others get louder and larger
People don’t hesitate to walk all over
The weak or struggling.

Times have changed
Can’t trust my neighbor
If I need to be saved
Risk doing it alone
Or being disappointed
Options aren’t very desirable
Like choosing between
Bad or worse
Each comes with their own surprises
Hurt or be hurt.

Unsure of the girl in the mirror
Her reflection becoming unclear
I stopped checking glances
Because I only see
Things I want to change
It’s not physical pain
It’s the emotional damage
That keeps me ******.

I feel trapped or lost
So I run
But flight always leads back to fighting
Can’t ever fully escape
It needs to be faced.

I am brave
But not a hero
I have courage
But still afraid
I am powerful
But dart my shadow
I am complex
Simple would be nice for change
But I am overtaken.

Simply overtaken.

Logically, I know sugar on the occasion
Is healthy in moderation
Same with pleasure
I am viewing life in extremes
The pendulum swinging
Side to side
Never finding
Middle ground.

I am ***** for fooling around
And a ***** for only holding hands
I am fat for having something sweet
And rigid for measuring
Fear is what keeps me stuck
Rules I created are what
Keep me leashed
No better than an animal tied to a post
Waiting to be unhooked
To take a decent **** in privacy.

Is that my life?
Tightly leashed to my insecurities
How else will I grow
Unless I loosen the reigns?
Out of control!
The voice shouts

Just a little looser please
I feel suffocated
And I am bored of the same old scenery
I need a change
And these chains
Are beginning
To dig into neck
Peirce my skin and flesh.

When did the collar get so tight?
There once was a time
I acted on intuition
Suddenly I am in this submissive position
By my own disposition
What a sticky situation
To be in.

I am no *******
But I’ve created and casted
This rule ridden life
That has forbidden anything good
This pain has lasted long enough
Almost three years
I didn’t think my fears
Could have such stamina
And it seems that things are getting worse
Lack any improvement.

I am waiting for it to die out
But it might **** me first
Unless I stick a knife
Into this demon of mine
It will continue breeding
Infiltrating
The sanity of my mind
Stealing away a chance for a better life.

Roses have thorns for a reason.
If they were all beauty with out defense
Those hard, sharp edges
Extending from their stems
They would be easily plucked and clipped
Taken advantage of.

They would be used
For some hideous centerpiece
That would be adored for a few hours
Than ignored for weeks

Until the water turned black
Leaves rotted and decayed
The petals dry out and fall
Leaving bare stem remains.

Leave me in my garden
Where I am surrounded by friends
The daffodils, lilies, white chrysanthemums.

The hard working bees
Could make delicious honey
From my sweet nectar
That would be taken to the hive
And served to the Queen.

The words I speak
Are my thorns
Verbal warnings
That I am not to be reckoned with.

Release your the sheers
Remove your greedy hands
Grab me like that again
My thorns will make you bleed
You will be sorry.

Truthfully speaking,
You will never be a rose.
Even if you tried
You would result as a ****
A blight, a disease
Pulled from the ground immediately.

You are a hideous creature.
A monster.
Without you
I am stronger.

I am not a dandelion anymore
Easily destroyed
From a meager blow.

Let me alone
I am a Rose.

You said, “Ask me what I am thinking”
Obediently I did
Swiftly you kissed me
Tongue, lips, all of it.
And suddenly,
I felt
E v e r y t h i n g.

Chills up my spine
Arm hair raised
Stiff and straight
Senses heightened
Heart beating
Stampeding
Like a band of thoroughbreds racing.
Intense sensations
Swarms of tingling and tickling
Like someone softly blowing
On the back of my naked neck.

A shock wave of pleasure
Feelings immeasurable
To anything I’ve experienced.
This was no ordinary kiss
Warm, gentle, firm
Just enough wetness
To keep motion fluid.

Lasting only 10 seconds
But feeling endless
Like falling into an abyss
A bottomless pit
Deeper and deeper
Rapidly dropping
Picking up speed

Until your hands released my cheeks
And all the warmth left me.
Overtaken by an icy breeze
Compared to the heat I was just feeling.
Like pulling covers abruptly off a body
While in the middle of a slumber.

I never liked the feelings of being stripped
Unwillingly, unexpectedly
Especially
When the everything was so inviting.

You kissed me without permission
Then the position I was put in
Decisions I had to make quickly after
Because what I say now
Outlines our future
Defines our label
Of each other.

You put that pressure
Onto me
I wanted nothing of that responsibly
At least not to that degree
Don’t ask that to me
To state what I think we should be.

10 seconds ago
I only asked what you were thinking
I was unaware,
Completely unprepared
To know I would be deciding
The fate of our relationship
This now sinking ship.

I can swim
But I feel like I'm sinking
Having to live with the dreadful feeling
I’ve hurt another person again.

I got to be the lead
As I’d always dreamed
I never expected my role to be
Heart Breaker.

I want to go along with it,
Put up with the charades
Be the good actress
And pretend things didn't change
Say for your sake
I feel the same way.

But for this show to go on
For my role to be authentic
I must be honest.

I guess some friendships expire…

Even the best shows don't last forever
Enjoy the run for what it was
And say goodbye
Because it’s for the better.

I let you into a very exposing and vulnerable side of my life.
I am very fragile and sensitive.
The more you claim I am perfect, the less real I feel.
The less human I feel.

Perfect is not real.
Perfection is a perception.
I don’t want to be labeled as anything that is not me.

I don’t like it.
I will not allow it.
I’d rather choke than swallow
Those thick sticky words.
For once I’m happy to be
A picky eater.

I am not a body.
I am a soul.
Words I have said before,
But now found myself shouting
Loud enough to have you back away
Far enough to collect some space.

Your thoughts about me
Are not reality, just a fabricated fantasy
Created in your head.
I am not a made up character
Or this fleeting entity, like a fairy;
I don’t need claps to exist in this world.
I don’t need your beliefs for me live.

My skin has been hurt again and again.
Through my experiences,
My layers have thickened
Now calloused, and stiff
Which is why I’m self-conscious
Of holding hands.
And you’re not the man
Whose fingers I want to be laced with
Or tracing the tracks of my spine.

I am a hand written letter.
Never delivered
With an unlisted address
And words still unfinished.
Save your kiss, lips, and spit
For a different envelope
Don’t spend your pennies
Or waste your postage
On the mail that will come back to you.

I am free.
I am air.
Limitless, boundless, and ubiquitous.
Toxic if overdosed.

I change, never staying the same.
I circulate the room, and cannot be contained.
And **** the day you dare even try.

Watch me overflow, and spill all over the floor
Creating a sloppy mopless mess
Oozing through the edges
Seeping between the cracks.

I will not be held down
Wings clipped
And cage nailed to the ground.
I will not be suffocated.

I am air.
Yet, I cannot breathe.