It hits me suddenly
I remember being a kid close to bedtime
nervous scared dread
for no reason

i forgot why
i thought it dumb but now
I remember being a kid close to bedtime
nervous scared dread
for no reason

Everything is worse in the dark But now
I don't have anyone to tell
"I can't sleep."

In my room
24/7 24 hours 7 days now
A week since you left it feels
Longer than it is some weeks are days some
Weeks are hours some
Weeks are milliseconds but this
This week is forever

I never saw the transition from workaholic into depression like
A literal depression, an indent I
Cave in myself I
Cave in on myself I
Go to counseling, admit it happened it should feel like lancing a boil but
It doesn't it feels like rearranging a sweater around a rock in my chest so
It rubs against the splintery undersides of my ribs irritating inevitable

Months spent in my bed i don't go to class i don't do work i sleep
Sleep everything away sleep everything away
My uncle asks me if i've been eating i'm paler than usual and no
No I haven't been eating how can you eat when there's a
Boulder shoving your lungs into your spine, and your intestines into your pelvis
I try and feel like throwing up I
Lose weight but don't feel any more worthwhile I've been
Caving in on myself, caving in on myself, caving in on myself
In the ruins
Furious
I still live

against everything it
ends it ends it ends it ends the
Stillness is worse maybe the pain in my
Eye(socket)  the tightness of my eye(lids) stiff
stiff with salt stiff with weariness
against everything it
ends it ends it ends it ends the
blankness in my mind and the
lackluster shudder of fear
weary
weary
too tired to breathe I'm
too tired for endings

I always forget that anxiety attacks are like black holes inside of you
And you breath and breath and breath and breath but its not enough
and you hold it in and the pressure in your chest makes your eyeballs bulge
And the hours spent on your back breathing and bulging and stifling sobs are timeless you are in stasis
I breathe and breathe and breathe but it isn't enough I bite the inside of my arm and cry until there's no tears left I grimace grimace grimace and
stand outside in the apartment building hallway and lean against the doorframe and stick
my face in the crack of a window and everything feels empty and ******* and terrifying and I breath
and breathe and breathe but there's
not enough air there's
not enough lung there's
not enough space
it never ends
itneverendsitneverendsitneverends

It starts with a thought
My body tense familiar that
feeling of anxiety in my belly again I
Eat half a bowl of rice at 9pm my meal of the day and
You're gone again for the summer my life is starting i am ready

It starts with a thought
I clean the scissors off they are sticky i
check the mirror for evidence of fat loss i
Try to go jogging up the hill but i am too tired too starved
My faulty heart thuds and my lungs shrink i can't do it
i'm not healthy enough

It starts with a thought
I count up my days calories one coke half bowl of rice
I am disappointed with the number i
can do better i can
really starve and then i'll happy

It starts with a thought
I think of HPV hypochondria lymph nodes pregnancy I
grab the scissors tie the band around my hair

It starts with a thought
the blades close around my hair long blond natural soft shiny crowning glory
10 inches down my back I hear
one last snip and the ponytail is free
I shake my head the hair is short
so short and happiness wells up in me i
feel so light i
feel invincible

It starts with thought and
I'm not ******* you
I did it
I did it.

If I was not me
I would not believe all the things that have happened to me
Happened.

I would call myself a liar.

I'm floundering
Like a fish
Headed to the ***