I feel
(worse)
with every passing day


Maybe in another lifetime
Another phase

The smell of your chest both
Comforts and sickens
Me.

And though lately it's becoming harder
(There's too many ifs and whats and too many)
Hurt expressions cut and pasted in between words
And I imagine they say more than tongues ever could-
(They don't)
But in between the pasted bits
There's me going off to uni
(You going off to nowhere)
Me bound to academics
(You scraping 50s)
Sinking stomachs
Punctuated with small moments
(The first time we made out and meant it in over a year)
(When we go a day without fighting)

And I stand in the shower
Scared I'm bound to you
(I'm 17 and you want marriage)
(I'm 17 and I don't want to miss out on anything)
(I'm 17 and I've only ever kissed 2 boys)

(What if there's nothing to miss.)

And I stand in the shower and wish we'd break up
Even though I still love you
It's not right for now.

We can never work out.

We'll never make it.

But I love you all the same.
(I can't leave you.)

In her dream there is nothing but light


Spilling onto her body
Her face illuminated
Caressing her eyelids
Warming her back
There is nothing but light
Everything white-yellow
Warm
Welcoming
Quiet
And she knows it's wrong
So she gets up,
Trying to move a finger
A toe
Twitching her nose
And then she stands up


And she can hear cicadas
And she can hear the faint tinkling of a wind-chime
She lifts her arms and twirls
But her arms aren't there


And she's okay with it
And she opens her eyes,
But she doesn't see
And she can't smell
And she can't breath


And she can't breath
And she can't smell
But she doesn't see.
And she opens her eyes,
And she's okay with it.


But her arms aren't there.
She lifts her arms and twirls
And she can hear the faint tinkling of a wind-chime
And she can hear cicadas


And then she stands up.
Twitching her nose
A toe
Trying to move a finger
So she gets up,
And she knows it's wrong.
Quiet
Welcoming
Warm.
Everything white-yellow
There is nothing but light
Warming her back
Caressing her eyelids
Her face illuminated
Spilling onto her body



In her dream there is nothing but light

There's something about a smooth
Belly isn't gone yet and
That aching feeling of
Hunger, reverberating through my bones
My shallow breath
My dizzy head
Titillating, tentative pleasure, pressure
Lanky legs decked in red tights
What I want vs what I am

You tell me I'm stupid, you don't have to starve yourself to (you personally, I say.)
Feel good and
How hard is it to eat?
How stupid am I?

Just you wait
Just you wait

I'm starting today.
(I'm ashamed.)

It's the knife of not getting what I want it's
Smelling your chest, inhaling your scent
Your sweat drives me wild, I'm jealous I'm not the same for you and

Feeling you on me, your palms tracing down my skin,
Christening shivers with your fingerprints,
My body melding into yours
Frustratingly unfair, and you don't feel the same, and why-

In the library, when I disconnected myself from your chest
Even though every smell of you was ****** and
Every heartbeat was a syringe,
I lean up and whisper I want you,
And you tell me to be quiet.

You slay romance.

And in over a year of us, and no one else
(And I wonder, what would elses be like?)
Under a thousand days but more than 500
In an imperfect symmetry of silent games and angry longing

I want to make love to you quietly,
I want you to instigate it
I want to lie and feel wanted, not be reprimanded for every stray moan
I want you to want to hear me
With such a burning anger,
The unfairness that I want it all for me, and all for you

I want us to be seamless.

So fluid and streamlined that it's impossible to tell where

You begin and I end.

She said she doesn't feel them
So there would be a hard time getting someone to biopsy them
And they're multiple some are hard some are big and theres NOTHING I can do
(Nothing)

Your anxiety was worthless so STOP IT
(Please, stop.)

And even though I'm supposed to feel good-
Like I'm healthy and OK and
Not going to die any second-

I still feel as though they're going to find cancer.
Someday.

And they'll be sorry,
But I'll be sorrier.

I'm just in bed
And you're asleep on the screen
In front of me your lips a cupids bow
(I don't remember them like that Are you new?)
Your eyelashes long on your cheeks your cheekbones smooth
The line from your sleeping mind to the parenthesis around your lips subtle,
Uninterrupted.


It's 6:03 AM, sure
I'm going to the doctors in 3 hours.
I haven't slept yet.
(You're beautiful when you sleep)
I haven't slept yet.
(The sky is dark blue outside)
I haven't slept yet.
(Are you threatening me?)
I'm imagining I'm in your arms.

This is how it would be, listen now:
Puffs of hot air into my flossy long hair
And I'll sigh because you're making it greasy
(But not move because I know you like the smell of my shampoo)

Your arm will be underneath me
Threaded under my left shoulder
(I'll wonder if it's uncomfortable)
(I won't move because I like this neverending hug)

My legs will be over yours, like I'm sitting in your lap.
(You'll grind me in your sleep like you usually do)
(I'll wake up sleepy-***** with your ******* pressed against me)
(I'll swat your hands away when you 'unconsciously' try to take my pants off)

I haven't slept yet you know
Because I'm saving up for that
(When you come back)
And our sleep then
(And all the extras)

I haven't slept yet, okay,
I'm waiting for you.