i think he comes back, everything will be perfect

i think when he comes back, things are going to go downhill very fast

i love you

but i hate me

i want

a healthy body

There is no quiet for me, there is no
Peace, there is no Not Anxiety-Ridden.

Sometimes I think I'm done the lymph
Node is bigger but what the
HELL, cancer or no cancer I'll be
Fine

But then I look to the ceiling
It's 10:30 and I'm already
Tired (I'm tired of this)
I realize that this is
Me
****, ******* god,
Son of a ******* **** *****, THIS IS ME.

This is me mouth-breathing snakes
In my intestines, feeling where my skin
Depresses (d) at the end of my sternum THIS IS ME.
Pressing my lips prodding my beloved skin I'm comfortable in (I EXIST IN IT IT'S MINE)
THIS IS ME my knee hurts I'm scared for school and my life and
THIS IS ME and I don't want to die.

I don't want to die before I'm physically old, old enough to be abandoned in a retirement home

I'm only seventeen, please.
I don't want to die.

Please don't let them be cancer.

Everytime I think there's nothing left it's
Only because there is so much left there's mountains of
Me left and
That thought scares me
I don't want to spend any more time like this

I wish you could read minds.
Not so that you could find out how much I
Wonder if this relationship is worth it but so
You could do more things right you could
Not ruin the moments before *** you could
Know when no means yes
(know that I am pig-headed and proud as I cry)
You could know when to hold me and not say anything
When to just be there and not scold or argue bad opinions
(know that I am pig-headed and proud as you cry)
(Don't tell me that my feminist is showing)
(I am not ashamed of that)

Something that warrants shame is me in bed
No strength to sit up
Crying because you didn't think it was a good idea to Skype me
(you;re upset maybe you should just rest)
And I'm so alone
And I'm scared of dying of cancer as I fantasize about
Offing myself with sleeping pills
(my suicide note would be like a coming-out-of-the-closet note)
(with less determination and more apologies)

I am so tired
My bones are fragile
My tears are delicious
My feet are cold.

(It comes)
(In a flush of red)
(I'm still worrying)

Up and down and
Up and down and
Up and down and
Down.
Revolving moods and
Take a chance
Take two shots
And hope you'll hit one.
Five steps up and
Six steps down and
You're wrong
Always,
You're wrong
Try to sleep and
My former mind
She makes things whirl around in my head
As the pounds melted off and
Eyeliner appeared
Was it all just game,
Have I won
?