lauren

lauren Sep 2021

you are simply
the beginning and the end.
i am not morbidly mourning my own self destruction,
but i had forgotten my priorities when i first had laid eyes on you.
simply, the innocence of my being had been lost because every pore had been filled with the presence of yourself. it is incredibly challenging to explain the exasperating and overwhelming draft you add to the room.
like a casting call
for your own role - identity.
god i could play it over and over again.
like a torn up passion
sprinkling its own grace over the particular stereotype.
like those films and stories of love and deep movement.
you are simply the blindness that i feel
to all of my surroundings
that inevitably keeps me from recognizing
the beginning and the end
of myself.

lauren Aug 2021

fresh eyes

i had been blind before
but never like this
i knew you had engulfed my soul
the moment i felt my heart shatter
and my lungs collapse
at your absence
how lucky am i
to have something
that drowns my
chest into a sullen
nostalgia when you are away
your touch ignites my senses
and i would
climb mountains
and dare
to touch the moon
just so i could extend your hand
out to mine in this very moment

the very sound of your name
makes my heart flutter
and i crave you when you are gone
more importantly
i long to stop time
when you are near because
i simply cannot bear
saying goodbye to you
countless times over

i thought i had been in love before
but he has taught me
that i have never witnessed love
not a love like his
not a love
that makes me speak to soon
and shatters the walls i have built up
around me

this is the fairytale little girls
dream about
and how lucky am i
to be so painfully broken
in the midst of pondering
losing him

keep me blind, i am happy here
if i see again
without these fresh eyes
i fear all colors will be lost

without you

i met my soulmate a year ago

lauren Aug 2021

last talk

“you’re so beautiful”
he said through his teeth
with his head cocked to the side
like a child after a scolding
nothing he said resonated as true
because he couldn’t choose
he couldn’t choose me

“i don’t feel like it”
i said stone cold sober
with a guarded heart
like an ancient wall about to crumble
but preserved through time
remembering i never deserved to be
someone’s second option
especially after years of always being
the first

“come back to me and you’ll feel like it
everyday”
he cockily pleaded
as if he knew it would be
the last words he said to me
in a long while
or maybe even the last time he said it
at all

i sneered and he threw me over his shoulder
and i laughed and screamed
like an innocent
like the past five years were not just a
memory of us
but
we were always meant for hurt

then he walked out the door for the last time
and i went to sleep
and dreamt of new beginnings
and caressed closure

and i felt beautiful
because i wasn’t chosen

lauren May 2021

what you have given me

i dig my nails into my palms
and allow them to caress and sculpt
an indentation into my skin
as if the sting will mask some kind of vendetta
that my subconscious holds over me
as a result my unprecedented thoughts
lead me through a dark tunnel
with no silver lining at the end because
i feel like i dont deserve you
because i feel as if
you are simply
the beginning and the end
i am not morbidly mourning
my own self destruction,
but i had forgotten my priorities
when i first laid eyes on you
the innocence of my being had been lost
because every pore had been filled
with the presence of yourself
it is incredibly challenging to explain
the exasperating and overwhelming draft
you add to the room
like a casting call for your own role - identity
i could play it over and over again
like a torn up passion
sprinkling its own grace over
the particular stereotype
like those films and stories
of love and deep movement
you are simply the blindness that i feel
to all of my surroundings
that inevitably keeps me from recognizing
the beginning and the end
of myself

lauren May 2021

i cant tell if the feeling

of hurt that i feel alone in the middle of the night
is mine anymore
i know it's not yours
or yours that you inflicted on me
nothing that belongs to me belongs to you anymore
this kind of hurt runs deeper than this
a hurt that is permanently encrypted
into the cracks in my soul
i want to scream because it is
one that i know i
cannot fix
one that i cannot
even put into words

and i can put
anything
into words

lauren Nov 2020

twenty one

this morning i looked at myself in the mirror
i still had makeup on from the night before
my hands were cold
my feet were grounded
its funny, ive never been able to see through other people
but as i stood, alone, in silence
i heard the buzz of the bathroom light
and i saw right through myself
--- the only one who really knows me
--- the only one in the whole entire world
that i can see through completely
and i didn't know if that was terrifying of beautiful

lauren Nov 2020

year two

they say you die twice
once when your heart stops
and twice the last time you are remembered
by someone

its most like
hearing something you weren't supposed to
and nobody knows you heard

but you still think you'll die once then
and maybe thats for the best
because for you
other peoples memories are just
ghosts
and you didn't really want to be remembered anyway
at least, not in the way they did