to know and to be certain that you exist
in someone else's world
minutes or hours away
is incredible - yet completely illogical.

to know and to be certain that someone thinks of you
when you're not there is an absurdity - and yet entirely wondrous
even then, still, your fingers ache to grasp the intangible reality
of revelation as to when and where your two worlds will collide again when you are apart.

and upon that collision
will there be time to stand and watch the seasons change?
or will it move like lightning - in seconds it is gone
and you have missed it.

will days be weary from verbal abscission or will hours be shortened
by love's implicitly?
furthermore, will night's be stormy from words left unsaid
or will minutes be lengthened by confluence of two souls?

those moments
when souls are bonded
when their eyes find yours
when your breath catches
when your voice falters in your throat
those moments
when their lips press against your skin
when your eyes close
when your hands clasp
and your heart hammers
those moments when

you cant tell whose heart is is synching with who's -
those are the moments you crave.

there is nothing more innocent than someone who can stop you in your tracks with a wave - and take your breath away with a smile, jumpstart your heart with a word, and ignite a fire in your stomach with a kiss.

the absurdity of those moments is incredible - yet completely illogical.
so tell me, what does it really mean to be certain?

I loved the way you held out your arms
when we hadn’t seen each other in awhile.
waiting for me to jump into them
embracing you, drowning me in your presence.

I’ll miss that you
innocent, wide eyed, happy.
You’d whisper in my ear.
you’d make me laugh.

I don’t recognize you anymore.
I can’t remember your voice.
but if you ever need me, I’m here
waiting for you to jump into my arms.

I’ll always embrace you
I’ll always drown you in my presence.
and God, I’ll always be happy.

your words flow thick
off of your tongue
sweet molasses and all of
what nature had to bring you

like a dew fall dripping down
your “not so humble”
pure persona that was once
whispering ghostly phrases
of happenstance and
good fortune
in my ready ear
as you
attained what you pleased with
no shame in your
dirt worthy hands

black like charcoal; your soul

you walking away from what you know
only now with a more guilty conscience
I’m sorry I was naive enough
to take dew fall as
the end rather than
the beginning
my mistake to feel right?
because why beg for sincerity
when chivalry is far more an
act than a much deserved victory
for mankind

you tear me apart you know?
the kind that satisfies you
and makes my bones chill
and yours feel like
muscle as you puff out your chest
in some half gracious attempt to feel
“strong” like a ReAl MaN!¡

to me, you were the beginning again
and all I needed was
the dew fall

cloud vs. a silver lining
important not only in daily life
but through sickness and health

my mother sat down on our living room couch and looked me dead in the eyes after her chemotherapeutic shot. she told me she sat down in the oncology patient room, waiting for her round for the month. she said it depressed her. she said the nurses were anything but compassionate when they loaded her up with medicine. a painful sting coasting through her veins. she never unlocked her eyes with mine, until she told me that the nurse smiled at her and said, “at least now you can get a new set of *******”! I can tell she was hurt. she couldn’t do this, her health wouldn’t allow for it. she told me she was crushed, that it was a cloud. I thought about this for a long time. I thought about the clouds that others added into her life. “at least they caught it early”, “at least you’re alive now”.

I looked for a silver lining. something to let her know that clouds pass. that winds blow away the grey. that the weather is never unchanging. that she was strong. I looked her in the eyes once more and told her I loved her. not that I was happy that she was still here. not that one day she may be able to watch me walk down the aisle, or hold my child. not that I was sorry or felt for her. just that I loved her. and she smiled at me, a genuine smile. not beaming with happiness, but a little spark showed through all kinds of pain.

love, that’s her silver lining. so that’s mine too.

its funny, i sit here most of the time with metaphorical phrases churning in my head as i write. everytime i sit down to create i feel thousands of gears turning in my head.

sure, i’m real when i write. my passion lies here, my heart the same. but to me, maybe writing in metaphors is a way to mask a little bit of the hurt, a little less real then telling the truth.

it takes a lot of bravery to go back in time and reflect, to create poetry. writing takes you to a place, not always light. not always beaming with happiness. and i appreciate that. i appreciate the pain that poets go through everytime they relive, rewrite. because it should be. i know that.

i think that’s why i sit here, hurting most of the time. i think, wow, the one thing i love to do hurts. and that’s why i’ve been wanting to write about you and so many others. those who have escaped me. those who have stood by my side. maybe through my own selfish mistakes. maybe by their own demise.

every person that enters or exits my life has been written about. be that in my soul, on paper, or displayed on a computer screen. you’re there. and that’s pretty ******* special because its nice to be seen. i can’t tell them in person how much they meant to me, because i’m simply not good enough at doing that, i mean cant you see? i crave acceptance in all aspects of my life, and i am too fragile emotionally to let them know what i really mean.

for me to sit here, to dig, to romanticize, demonize, glorify. willingly be vulnerable with myself and others, it’s a lot. i’m nobody to be pitied, not by a long shot. no poet is and that’s not what we look for. just harmony, balance and not too much more. it is something that writing gives us. because the pain of retelling the latter and the late is almost worth the harmony that the release brings to create.

maybe aspects of myself have been lost throughout the years, but one thing remains. my writing. my poetry, my endless drafts, and journal entries stained with fallen tears that could be around for centuries. they tell my story. of you and everyone else who has left a mark on me. i am who i have been given and THAT is what i mean. what i have been given will forever be apart of my writing, therefore, a part of me.

this is a tribute to poets everywhere, as they caress their soul. as they mourn themselves in even the brightest of times even as they grow old. when they reminisce on the nostalgia of greater moments through rhymes. but most of all, this is a tribute to me as i strive to make myself feel. even if it’s anything less than alive.

the crook in my mothers arm, the shadow of my fathers figure, the rhythmic cadence of breathing.
it was stitched together with strings of comfort to create a creature of unusual habits.
the shadow was never once afraid of the turning pages and the crook was transitioning to a state of playful wincing.
black teeth and ink stains run along attire from chewed words and twisting metaphors.
dry definitions of glued together meanings of the less lonely.
remember, give vivd contrast to stained windows and dusted fleshly faces within each page turn, but let shadows overrule the light and rooms fill with silence.  
why gorge the darkness on a substance less likely to harm the living?
minds deteriorate quicker than flesh after all, and bodies were not built for fear,
so build the strength while you have it.
folding words like origami and stretching beyond the sick feeling of failure, you lived.
you cannot write about what you don't feel and heavy weather cannot stop a driver from reaching a destination.
vitamins were only long stings rolling down internal skin,
after all, you were always sick anyway.
coming to this realization,
suddenly,
my eyes were playfully wincing and the black teeth and ink stains that remained on my body,
while i gave vivid contrast to the rejuvenated definition of the less lonely.
and i liked the silence.