Heart beat- rhythmic,
Sleeping- poor.
Not even for a second did I think
we'd be less
than more.
Crack me wide open,
scream to my lungs,
bite at my muscles,
cut out my tongue.
Burn all the ropes down
keeping me up.
Not once in my own thoughts
have I been enough.
I've slept in far too many beds,
too many hands have touched me.
I've tasted far too many boys,
made love just once under the sea.
You're beautiful but I am not,
I am three-fourths used up.
I know I've lost a lot.

Dancing without music
means more to me than ***.
Avoided it completely
when there appeared a next.
Although the universe would never
have the ability to make
another you
or I
if it tried billions and billions of times.
I will save dancing for you,
                  black coffee, too,
                  everything that I once knew
          keep the songs we listened to
together sacred.
But let the other inside my body.
Never my mind,
never my mind.
If it were opened he would find
****** ****** suicide
always low and never high,
smoke has choked my lungs, they're dry.
Every breath becomes a sigh.
Every word I speak- a lie.
Nothing lives above the sky,
there is no white-bearded guy,
light is in-creas-ing-ly shy.
These thoughts belong to me, they're mine.
You were too, and then we quit.
Gave up, went deaf and mute and this
is you, at the tops of buildings now.
Your gun aimed at my head and, wow,
I wouldn't blame a single cell
inside your body
for pulling the trigger.

Did you laugh?
I want to know, when you read what I wrote.
Did your teeth show?
Did your nose blow
out more air than usual?
Did you smile real big and think
of how much I think of
you?
How badly I want you to be proud,
even if it wasn't about me in your words,
I'd believe you if you told me so.
Did you laugh, did your teeth show?
Did your body dream of falling
without your head in the same thought?
Be happy for no reason.
                       every reason.
I like the summer but I like the spring,
          orange leaves and aspirin
                                         showers
holding your hand. Fried chicken,
balloons, a football field
and you.

Cracks in glasses
             on a screen
             on a gravestone
Drops of sweat
                          on me.
And you
               are the salt in the water of the ocean,
               can change the tides of the sea
                                                             ­      in a single wrist motion
I could never
                      comprehend why I was pushed away
                      stop from being pulled back in by the waves
                      avoid being smoothed down like sea glass
                                                           ­                   empty clam shells
What I know
                      I cannot tell you
                        will not admit
You are
              the fire
              the knot in the pit
of my stomach.

Don't make me explain it because
I won't, I can't, I won't.
There is cooled down lava jumping from my throat,
leaping to your face,
climbing up your nose.
Feeding on your insides,
hotter, hotter now, it glows.
From fingertips to fire
from whimpering to words here
I've written down my sorrows
in much less than a year,
never mind three months or four or six
I'm done with being second pick.
I'm tired of sleeping next to him,
I'm shot and burnt, been stabbed with pins.
Been opened up by knives and cutting
words they're just as sharp. I'll play
classical music, hear the symphony, the harp.
I've loved you once, twice, three times too
and I'll love you more to'morrow.
If what ever happens in my head
you, yourself, have not caused me sorrow.

Stuck to my computer screen like
dry ice
complaining about plane rides
bus seats warmed
by the people there before.
I mean to wonder why they went where they went to
but I don't mind much anymore.
Ask questions constantly and plan our escape
but it will never happen
your mindsets always flake
off and away we go just for the night
through poorly written paragraphs and
promises of flight.
Surrounded by "love love love"
it's all words though, that's not enough
to keep me going, stay on my feet,
gain the energy to take a running leap
Let me leave here and never return.
Every
everything I knew turned out to be unsure.

Is that what you're into,
saving girls from themselves?
So you could watch the bubbled flesh
show up less and less
often?
Well I have a roar now,
my whimper has ceased.
No need for working to try and save me.
I've been through worse bleeding
through other peoples' wounds,
my lover's wounds,
like an addiction.
Yours is to use a girl at her weakest
teach her to be strong, all the while
tearing her up due to friction
in your words.
I've learned some thing new:
You are not the sky. Not the earth, nor the sea,
you are not a canyon or anything grand to me.
You are not a drawing on a napkin made at lunch,
you are not a beetle, not the feeling in my gut.
You will not be the one she or I are searching for.
You're a user, an abuser, and you can never be much more.
I am not sorry, cannot be
if you want truth, please ask me.
I'd leave the bear on your doorstep
if I had gasoline
and with fingers crossed I'd wish so hard
it'd burn your heart down.