i’m so sorry. i’m sorry i didn’t fight for you.i’m sorry i didn’t love you the way you deserved to be loved, i’m sorry i didn’t care for you the way i should’ve, i’m sorry i was probably the worst thing that’s ever happened to you. i’m sorry things happened this way, i’m sorry i still love you. i’m sorry i got your girlfriend upset. i’m sorry you had to hide our two day friendship from her. i’m sorry i wasn’t good enough to keep. i’m sorry i wasn’t worth fighting for. i’m sorry i live too far away. i’m sorry i wasn’t pretty enough. i’m sorry i wasn’t smart enough. i’m sorry i wasn’t funny, sweet, adventurous enough. i’m sorry i wasn’t good enough to keep. i’m sorry i wasn’t worth fighting for. i’m sorry i’m not her. i’m sorry i stopped kissing you that day. i’m sorry i freaked out. i’m sorry i didn’t kiss you 3 years ago. i’m sorry i wasn’t a better girlfriend. i’m sorry i wasn’t a better friend. i’m sorry i wasn’t good enough to keep. i’m sorry i wasn’t worth fighting for.
i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry

and just like that  
we’re back where we started
you have this uncontrollable power over me
and you manage to tear me apart without even trying
you cause the kind of scars band aids can’t fix
you cause the kind of pain aspirin can’t numb

and just like that
we’re back where we started
i’m left here hurting like hell
i’m left here with an ache in my chest
because of something you said

and just like that
we’re back where we started
you’re probably not even thinking of me
because you didn’t even think twice
when you spoke those words to me

and just like that
we’re back where we started
you put me out like i was
your five minute cigarette break
you lit me up for the slightest instant

and just like that
we’re back where we started
you have this uncontrollable power over me

if i ever get so incredibly lucky
as to have another chance with you
i would never let you go
and i’d constantly remind you of how much i love you
and i’d kiss you till my lips burn
and i’d leave red lipstick stains all over your body to remind you that
you’re mine,
you always have been,
always will be.
if i ever get so incredibly lucky
as to have another chance with you
i’d photograph you because that’s what i do
and you’ll become my art
even though you already are
a masterpiece all on your own.
if i ever get so incredibly lucky
as to have another chance with you
i’d show you everything ive ever written about you,
starting with my first diary entry about you from june 2011
to what i’m writing right now,
i’d show you all i’ve written about you so that you know that any given moment
in the past 4 years you were a part of me.

sometimes i think of him for a while
then i become consumed with the thought of him
the thought of his hands around my waist
his lips crashing into mine
overwhelms my mind
and i become consumed with the thought of everything
we’ve been through
and i ache.
i ache at the voids in my body he used to fill,
i ache at the pain in me he used to numb,
i ache at the missing parts of me
that will forever belong to him.

i don’t want to live without you.
it sounds pathetic
but i really don’t
i don’t want to live with
the emptiness of my world without you
i don’t want to live with
this hollow space in my ribcage
where your hands used to hold me
and your love used to fill me.

i’m happier now
but some nights are harder

at the last party
we all took a shot
we danced and had fun
but as i felt the tequila burn my throat
i wished i could always feel my pain
like this
because i’d rather it burn
than rip me to shreds
because i’d rather it burn
than tear me apart

and if you think tequila burns you should try living in the dark
if you think tequila burns you should try wanting someone

if you think
tequila burns
you should think
of the last time someone held you

if you think tequila burns
try thinking of every beautiful moment you’ve ever had
relive it in your head
go through the motions
and go take another shot

i mean
we can talk about
the weather or
summer plans
we can talk about
our families and
our schools
but
i would much rather talk about
life and death
and everything in between
i want to
spill out all my secrets to you
and i want to
know my way around your mind
i want to
tell you how i feel about things
and i want to
hear what you have to say about the world
i want to
hear you rant about your friends
and i want to
tell you what i do at 3am
i want to
reach the deepest parts of you
and i want you to
break down every wall i’ve ever built around my heart
i want to find intimacy
without it putting me
in a constant state of anxiety and discomfort
and i want to
find it with you