For three years we spent walking around the fall leaves talking about our dreams
As if the leaves themselves were crumpled up notes with our dreams scratched on them
You'll never know how hard it's been
Constantly wishing for a 'tomorrow button'
To restart and restitch ourselves at the seams
We have the same holes in our hearts
But maybe I'll finally be able to wash your blood off my hands and keep them clean
And keep ourselves from falling apart
I spent this past summer transferring from trains
Collecting nickels from city sidewalks to keep whatever left of sane I have in me
And for every dollar I should've saved
I could've bought a newfound love
Not for us
But for myself
I spent this past winter learning what "cold" really meant
That no blanket, no heater, no love could ever warm
I insisted on falling in love with glaciers almost my whole life
But eventually I made friends with the sun
And remained enemies with no one but myself
Because I allowed you to feed me lit matches
As you watched my paper insides go up in flames
and now all that's left are the ashes of my memories you claim you no longer know
being swept between the living room rug and couch
where our lips used to perfectly align together
But we both know we can't make homes out of abandoned places
So that's why our love continues to collect dust with our furniture
Somedays it's still summer and the window's open and im falling asleep to the sound of the cars outside your window
But I wake up every morning hoping that you'd call so I can finally ask "in what year does our spring never come?"

I can tell you all about betrayal
And heartbreak
Just ask about the time I spent alone on your birthday at your headstone
Let's talk about our car rides
And the way you ripped up the map
Then set your destination to the insides of my chest cavity
And how you expected it to be perfectly paved to your veins
Or when you thought
my soul was the key to your north node
I wanna talk about how every time I watch a star die out
It's just a reminder that memories don't last forever
At least ours didn't
Or maybe this is me trying to forget you like you forgot me
Id give anything just to speak with you one last time
And ask you to teach me how easily it was for you to leave someone you once called home

I am constantly stuck in a place between awake and sleep
And it makes me wonder
How I ended up here
And when I arrived
I am constantly interrogated by the sound and motion of my thoughts
Mainly where I am questioning why the change of heart
Or lack thereof
And why I was sentenced to confinement when proved innocent
These continuous motions have left me seasick
Ever since you took the map and made me walk the plank
And watched along with your pioneers
As their waves crashed into your brain
When you saw it as a cleansing
And welcomed it
Like you assured with my trust
Between your silence and your actions
The only difference is the volumes
Within your actions
They could crack sidewalks
Keeping afloat on my back
Something not so uncommon
I am straying away from your vessel
Slowly but surely
Where I can be found between your constant state of awake and sleep.

Because I love you
I'll take interest in the things you're fond of.
Because I love you
I'll cancel my scheduled Tuesday night plans just to see you for an hour.
Because I love you
I'll purchase all the ingredients to make one perfect intoxicated night because you asked me to.
Because I love you
I don't tell you about the things you do that bother me.
Because I love you
I'll strain all my other relationships.
Because I love you
You threw down eggshells and glass and told me to walk, so I did.
Because I love you
I stood still while you raised your hands because you told me you loved me afterwards.
Because I love you
I asked you once, twice, three times, "who is she and why?"
Because I love you
I stayed.
I stayed for the glimpse of hope you gave for every other half sorry you told me.
"You can't leave me, you're not allowed.
Because I love you."
I sunk deep within my thoughts.
"You'll never find anyone better than me.
Because I love you."
Because I love you
I sought for every reason why my denial was justified and stayed within the fine lines of my ignorance because it was bliss.
547 days later it hit me harder than a ton of bricks, that I found comfort in knowing that every seven years all the cells in our body are destroyed, and that one day I will have a body that you will never have touched.

Every morning I'll wake up shaking from the things I lack in life.
So I'll add ***** to my coffee to help forget.
I'll mix my anxiety with more stimulants to help preoccupy my mind.
A million thoughts racing but you make it a million and one.
I don't think about him the way I think about you.
I still remember the way your hands would shake whenever they were placed on my hips and the way you kissed my neck never felt short of feeling unsure.
When the tips of our fingers graze each other, I still remember how hesitant you were to touch a square inch of my flesh.
Your absence left me nervous and that's become my new identity, but even though we've been acquainted before, we became close friends.
Afraid of letting go so we grew together instead.
My hands shake just like yours do and I still add anxiety to my liquid courage and pray that I wake up the next morning hoping to drink my coffee alone and maybe then I can tell you the reason why I am intertwined within his sheets and not yours is because he made me feel like someone wanted me, and that's something you could never do.

I took the road most familiar to get back home.
The sky was silent and black and cold but I looked up and saw my reflection staring back at me in the brightest star.
"Who are you?" I tried to get acquainted.
"Well I am the one most forgotten.
You see, everyone knows the moon, Jupiter, and Venus.
But I am only remembered upon request.
I am the light that guides you home when you are lost."
But I found comfort in calling my suitcase home years ago when my paper well burned in flames like red devils dancing  and mama no longer found use in me for her steady high.
I am familiar with the backseat of my car during the coldest of winter nights in between screaming voices and frequent tears of frustration.
I can no longer decipher reality from dreams or nightmares because I am constantly ******* screaming,
Screaming and nothing is coming out except dry heaves between every other gasp for fresh air.
But I can tell you they are loud and they are deafening but only at night when traveling the familiar road because only the brightest star hears it.

It hasn't stopped raining since the day you left.
Pouring.
I've been waiting for you to walk through that front door.
Home.
And I'd be lying if I said I've compared and mapped your every freckle to the stars in the constellations.
But there just wouldn't be enough time in the world to intake something as so beautiful.
Especially when you sailed away so long ago and left me to buoy with the tiger lilies
Until I finally sank to the bottom.
Drowned.